Apple has Designed the Perfect Pizza Box

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source– Apple is credited with reinventing the mobile phone, the computer and the music industry. Now it has redefined the pizza box.

The technology giant has invented a space-age pizza box specially for employees at its new headquarters in California. The circular design – naturally finished in white – features carefully-placed holes that allow heat and moisture to escape, preventing the pizza from getting soggy.

The box, whose design has been patented by Apple, was made to allow staff to take pizzas from the 4,000-seater staff canteen back to their desk.

The patent, which was first published in 2012, describes how the box can be easily stacked and features a “plurality of ridges”, “allowing moisture expelled from the food item to be transported away from the food item”.

While the box has been in use for some time at Apple’s “Caffe Mac” canteens, but will come in especially handy at the new “Apple Park” headquarters in Cupertino, where staff have started to move in.

Staff are meant to eat in the enormous main café together in order to encourage employees from different departments to collaborate, meaning a lengthy walk to lunch for some workers around the new headquarters’ spaceship-like “ring” design.

A report on the new headquarters from Wired said that the pizza box was partially designed by Francesco Longoni, Apple’s head of food services.

Unfortunately for takeaway fans around the world, Apple does not appear to have any plans to distribute its invention more widely, leaving the rest of us grappling with low-tech containers and soggy pizza.

 

True aficionados will be able to experience the box, however. Apple plans to open a café to the public when the headquarters are fully operational.

I have a few thoughts on this whole thing. First of all, I’m actually glad Apple is taking it upon themselves to fully maximize everyone’s living experience and spend hundreds of hours and most likely millions of dollars to research something like the Perfect Pizza Box. I think they should improve more things. I’ve long called for a more sensitive and precise toaster. And how about an iToilet? Make everything I own a carefully designed marvel of modern technology. It just means we’re one step closer to having a complete monopoly on all consumer goods, which will make life a lot easier if you only have to go one place to get anything. People may mourn the death of the small business, but I’ll rejoice at the chance to get all of my shopping done in one convenient place. How many times do you have to go to one place for some tech services, then another place for clothes, then another place to get food? Bouncing around all over town like that takes up the whole day. But if everything is in one spot? Then I’ve got all my shopping done in an hour and I’m feeling good about the rest of the day. The fact that this box was partially designed by the head of their food services is also a great sign, since it means Apple is so committed to progress, even their lunch ladies cafeteria staff are brilliant engineers. It makes me feel like my future is in good hands.

But, and this is a big but here, folks, the cardboard pizza box is a sacred item. A symbol of American Identity. A pure aphrodisiac. Seeing a cardboard pizza box releases every positive endorphin our bodies produce. It not only signals it’s time to eat, but that it’s time to eat pizza. That’s one of the greatest sensations mankind can have. Sure, after being in a box for 30 Minutes or Less™ and bouncing around in a car it’s not a crisp as it would be if you got it straight out of a brick oven in New Haven, but unless you’re actually getting New Haven style pizza, why does crispness matter? A poorly ventilated cardboard box keeps all those wonderful vapors trapped within, only magnifying the flavor of the pizza itself. The cardboard infuses some of its own flavor into the pizza, as well, which can’t be overstated. Pizza in a cardboard box just smells different. It feels different. It tastes different. Replace that with a new age plastic disc perfectly engineered to eliminate moisture and funnel the steam away from the pie? I don’t know if I want to live in a world where that’s the norm. It’s like a new cast-iron skillet vs. a twenty year old one. Sure, the new one is cleaner, more consistent, and in much better shape, but the old one has so many great flavors built in that the new one can’t hope to match. The pizza itself may be purer in the Apple Box, but that’s not what pizza is supposed to be. It’s not supposed to be clean and always fresh and designed by MIT grads. It’s an everyman food. Imperfect. Messy. Not always the most sanitary. But delicious nonetheless. And, speaking from experience, cardboard boxes have an important role in film, television, and real life, as a wake up call. It’s going to be a lot different waking up to a neat stack of plastic discs that you can reuse than it is for a big, bulky, greasy stack of cardboard pizza boxes. If you’ve ever had more than two cardboard pizza boxes lying around at one time and you haven’t had a party or anything, it can cause you to re-evauate your life a little bit. At the very least it forces you to clean up a bit before ordering the next round of ‘za. But these reusable plastic things? Just wash them off and you can put anything in there. It’s so convenient you’ll wind up just ordering more and more pizza with no shame or sense of the moment. You’ll ruin the allure of pizza night because it’ll become your default meal. Pizza will become monotonous. That’s a worst-case-scenario for humankind. Cardboard boxes keep pizza consumption in check. It keeps the supply healthy and the air of exclusivity alive. I keep coming back to this, but the worst business decision of the last 10,000 years was McDonald’s making breakfast all day. Why would anyone want it anymore if they can always get it? If you can always get the perfect pizza experience, it’ll just become passé. Just another thing to put into your stomach. Pizza doesn’t deserve that. Not now, not ever.

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Random Thoughts, Round 2

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I’m back with the second edition of random thoughts. If you’ve forgotten how this works, I’d like to congratulate you on your NFL career. Not everyone gets to the mountaintop. Anything I want to talk about but isn’t enough for a full post gets dumped here. Let’s jump right in.

They Still Make Rock Band?

I saw recently that they’re coming out with some DLC for Rock Band 4. Huh? Who still plays Rock Band? That era was before I was in high school, and they’re still coming out with new stuff? That’s some truly startling news. I never got the whole fad, anyway. Guitar Hero sucked. Rock Band was only fun because you could play it as a group. I was pretty bad at the game, but hand me the mic and I’ll burn the place to the ground. Not even Through the Fire and Flames could stop me. I was the George Michael of Rock Band. But to play it in 2017? No thanks.

#Nomorenoonmeals has Changed My Life for the Better

Even since I gave my two cents about lunch and introduced the world to the #nomorenoonmeals movement, I’ve found myself subconsciously eating lunch later and later. It’s been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I eat when I want to. I eat when I’m hungry. I’m happier when I eat, which makes me happier for the rest of the day. It deepened my resolve that society’s rules on eating are antiquated, counterproductive, and, overall, completely pointless.

NFL Denies Josh Gordon Reinstatement

Seriously? Listen, I’m not a weed guy. I’m not a “pothead” as the kids say. But this is going on like three years now. It’s the easy comparison to make, but Ray Rice was originally suspended two (2) games for beating the shit out of his wife. Terrell Suggs poured bleach all over his kid, beat up his wife at least twice, and was caught having a minor armory’s worth of guns in his house and didn’t get suspended once. Michael Floyd had a DUI and was back on the field the next week. But Josh Gordon gets three years because he can’t stop smoking weed? Makes sense.

Why do You Have to Buy So Much Celery?

I really should save this for the next installment of Burning Questions (coming soon-ish), but it’s too fresh in my mind right now. How come every time I need to get celery I need to buy about a metric ton of it? Why can’t I get like two or three stalks? If there’s a celery shortage in the world, I’m probably responsible, since I throw away 90% of the celery I buy. I need it about once every two months, and I need to buy farmer Brown’s entire harvest every time. I’m not about to start eating the extra celery or anything, either. Seriously, have you seen the bags of celery grocery stores sell? It’s absurd. Just let me get what I need.

For Real This Time, Get This Bum-Ass Wizards Team Out of My Face

I’m going to be seriously upset if they have to play a game 7. If the Celtics played my old high school team they wouldn’t have beaten them down as badly as what happened last night. You might be able to consider that kind of massacre a hate crime. Wizards are, and have always been bad. Please just end it Saturday night.

Apparently, Floral Prints are IN this Spring and Summer

Well, would you look at that? Looks like I’ve been fashion forward my whole life without realizing. As a proud Flower Guy and a definite Hawaiian Shirt Guy, I wear floral prints year round. Pretty much since I’ve been old enough to actually afford my own clothes floral has dominated my closet. Like most trendsetters, though, my impact is never felt in the moment. It takes years for a movement like this to take place, and I’m glad I could be at the front.

Fossil of Oldest Known Baleen-Whale Relative Unearthed in Peru

Funny. I thought the oldest known baleen-whale relative was your mom.

Speaking of Your Mom, Don’t Forget to get her something for Mother’s Day

Despite the fact that I’ve spent the majority of my life disappointing my parents, I’ve never forgotten Mother’s Day (I think). So make sure you do something for your Mom this Sunday, whether it be getting her flowers, taking her to dinner, forgetting to call until 9 p.m., sending a card in the mail first thing Monday morning, or going another year without giving her any grandchildren. Now, I don’t have a podcast (yet), so I don’t have any promo codes to get you a special offer from 1800flowers.com, but that doesn’t get you off the hook. Don’t be the guy that forgets about Mother’s Day.

Unpopular Opinion: I Hate Lunch

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So today I was scouring the deepest parts of the Internet looking for new and exciting stories to bring my dozen(s?) of readers/putting in hours in MLB The Show and Persona 5 (probably the nerdiest thing I’ve ever purchased but damn if it isn’t the most fun I’ve had in a while) when I looked at the clock and saw that it was after 1:30. Out of habit, I stopped to eat lunch. And as I was eating, I realized how much of an annoyance it was to drop everything I was doing to eat, when I wasn’t even all that hungry to begin with. And so, a new franchise was born: Unpopular Opinions. And my first one is that I hate lunch.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “This guy’s always talking about food and how much he eats and how much he loves fast food and how fat he is. Surely he loves lunch.” Well, dear reader, you’d be wrong. While it’s true that I do love food, and many of the traditional lunch staples rank highly on my internal power rankings, it’s the process I could do without. Whenever I’m at home during the day, lunch just seems like such a chore. It’s too much work for not enough payoff. At the basest level, there’s only really three or four things you can have. A lot of settling going on when it comes to eating lunch if you don’t feel like buying something every day. And you have to actually make it, too, which takes longer than you want it to. Sure, you can throw a sandwich together in ten seconds, but I actually care about the quality of my food. A haphazardly made sandwich is among the worst things you can eat. And it’s right in the middle of the day when you could be doing other things. God forbid you don’t eat when society tells you to. I have to halt everything I’m doing just so I can make a sandwich or heat up soup or leftovers, all because I’d become a social outcast akin to an untouchable in India if I choose to eat outside the noon-1 o’clock window. I just want to know why.

Who decided we need three meals a day? Clearly not any kind of medical professional, since every year they come out with a new way you’re Supposed to Eat. Sometimes it’s eat a million tiny meals. Sometimes it’s eat one gigantic meal. Sometimes it’s don’t eat anything at all. More importantly, who decided on the times you have to eat? And who decided on the rigid menu you have to choose from? Again, I must reiterate that I love most traditional lunch foods. Sandwiches, chips, soup, all great. But I shouldn’t have to eat them when I don’t want to. I’m a big proponent of eating whatever you want whenever you want. Pizza for breakfast? Delicious. Pancakes for dinner? Yes please. If I want a filet mignon at 2 in the afternoon, I should be able to do it without facing backlash. Sure, going out to get lunch is a far superior experience than making it yourself, but almost every “lunch special” is just a smaller version of their regular meal. If I like the food, why would I want less of it just because it’s 12:43? This might not surprise anyone, but I prefer to have big meals over small ones. As much as I like eating and food, meals are just a hindrance to my free time. So I want to load up on food I like so I don’t have to eat as much. Maybe I’ll eat at 10 and 6. Maybe I’ll do 11:30 and 5. If I’m free all day, maybe I won’t eat until like 2 o’clock in the afternoon and have dinner at *gasp* 8 at night. I refuse to be contained by the parameters society has given me. I understand the lunch break is a sacred part of any work day. It’s probably saved billions of lives. But I’ll take it whenever the hell I want to, thank you very much. The later you take your break, the less time you have until you go home. Just a little trick I’ve picked up over the years. Lunch at noon is the most pointless thing going. It’s your body. Eat when you want.

So I’m calling for change. No longer will I be silent. No longer will I let The Man tell me to eat at a time that inconvenient for me. No longer will I be content eating a turkey sandwich at 1 in the afternoon because “I’ll ruin my appetite for dinner” if I eat something bigger. Well maybe I want dinner to be right now, how about that? No more set times for meals. No more exclusive menus. No more meal-shaming. Use #nomorenoonmeals to join the movement. Let’s come together in solidarity as people who don’t feel like eating just because it’s “lunchtime.” Take control of your diet. We can topple the meal structure together and create a brighter tomorrow.

Which Fast Food Place has the Worst Dressed Customers?

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So last night, I found my cupboards bare and my stomach rumbling. I decided to take the easy way out and get some fast food. While at this establishment (to be revealed later), something struck me as I looked around the room- everyone was dressed horribly. Like, social-life-killing horribly. And no one cared. It got me wondering- which fast food place has the worst dressed customers? I knew it needed a full investigation. To put together these rankings I took everything into effect, but the most important factors are average level of dress during busy times, price and quality of the food (it matters, as we’ll find out), and any intangibles that are specific to one restaurant only. Going in ascending (or maybe it’s descending?) order, saving the best for last. If you disagree with any of this, odds are you’ve never been to a fast food place before. I’m not including any of the weird Southern-only chains like Bojangles or Cook-Out or Whataburger or Zaxby’s because I don’t support anything that clings to the vestiges of a divided United States (/I’ve never been but would really like to). Sorry not sorry. Besides, they probably wouldn’t do too great on these rankings, anyway.

(Side rant before we get going: they’ve been doing nonstop road work on one of the streets near me that leads to a lot of different fast food places, and it’s getting really annoying. Mostly because they’ve exposed a million manhole covers. Literally every two feet there’s another thick manhole surrounded by a deep gully. They’re in the middle of the street and almost impossible to avoid when there’s traffic going the other way. It’s turned my suspension into spaghetti. I know the city’s not going to pay for it when the Grim Reaper finally comes for my tires. They’ve been there for over a year! Clearly they aren’t doing any work on them anymore. How long does is take to just dump some asphalt on it? This isn’t rocket surgery, just fix it already! End of rant.)

1200px-innout-svgIn-N-Out Buger

I know I said I didn’t want to include regional chains, but In-N-Out is too big to ignore. It’s pretty much it’s own religion. People make sacred pilgrimages from all across the globe. People get married there. I’ve never had it. It’s my white whale, my raison d’être, if you will. When I go for the first time, you better believe I’ll be in my Sunday Best. Add in the Cali Bros and Valley Girls that go there regularly and In-N-Out doesn’t even register on the scale.

Filth Rating: 0

582px-chick-fil-a_logo-svgChick-fil-A

I heard somewhere that young people spend more money at Chick-fil-A than any other chain restaurant. Young People would rather be dead than go anywhere looking like a slob. Me going in gym shorts a few times can’t counteract that. Nothing can subtract too much from the power of Young People, but actually loses points for not being open on Sunday, since you know people wouldn’t hesitate going straight from church and getting some of that luscious Chick-fil-A sauce all over their best coat.

Filt Rating: 🐷
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Panera Bread

I went back and forth on whether or not to include some of the “fast-casual” places like Panera, Chipotle, Shake Shack, etc. In the end, I decided against it. But, and this is a big ol’ but, Paneras have drive-thrus. My hands are tied- if you have a drive-thru, you’re in the rankings. Panera should consider itself lucky, too. Probably the most consistently well-dressed place out there. Only knock is that I always see people coming there after a workout in their sweaty gym clothes.

Filth Rating: 🐷

220px-mcdonalds-90s-logo-svgMcDonald’s

Despite my best efforts, McDonald’s is just too corporate. People go on their lunch breaks from real jobs. People go after school. According to their commercials, you go there to be seen. And, most importantly, it’s the place to go when you’ve had too many beverages, so half the time you’re dressed up when you go. It’s also the go-to place the morning after when you look horrible, and there’s still some other brave souls out there going to Mickey D’s in sweats, so they don’t get the perfect rating they crave so much.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷

full-colorSonic

I came close to making two different Sonics, but I decided on one. My experiences in Sonic’s dining room have actually been very pleasant. It looks a lot like Chick-fil-A: plenty of people wearing hip clothes. I’ve even worn real clothes (jeans) there before. But Sonic is more than just a dining room. In fact, the dining room is secondary to the drive-in. And the drive-in are too much of a mystery to accurately gauge. I don’t know what people are wearing in their cars. I don’t know if they’re even wearing clothes at all. But I know they aren’t particularly well-dressed, because otherwise they’d be inside.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷

375px-subway_2016_logo-svgSubway

I don’t usually consider Subway to have a particularly well-dressed following, but there’s just so many locations they’re bound to draw the occasional professional-looking customer. Subways are everywhere- in malls, on college campuses, in nice neighborhoods, in bad neighborhoods. If you turn your head, you’ll see a Subway close by. Considering the diverse range of people, they would serve as a bit of a baseline, but I’ve never seen the type of critter that frequent the lower ranking places in a Subway

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷

carls_jr_logo3d-versionCarl’s Jr./Hardee’s/Jack-in-the-Box

I’ll be totally honest: I’ve never been to these places. My impression of them is shaped only by commercials, not by personal experience. So, I’ll make them the baseline. Maybe the average Carl’s Jr. looks like a GQ photoshoot. Maybe Jack-in-the-Box is the second worst (nothing can dethrone number one). Out of respect for the game, I can’t give them any other rating.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

800px-taco_bell_2016-svgTaco Bell

I know what you’re thinking: “I’ve been in a Taco Bell before, and half the time it’s a pretty ugly scene.” That’s true. Very true, in fact. Half the time, Taco Bell is pretty bad. But what about the other half? TB is a mall staple, and unless you write for the internet’s hottest website (www.briansden69.com), you don’t go to the mall looking like crap. Taco Bell is also the crown prince of the dunk food throne, meaning they get plenty of late night business from people who chose their clothes with the intent of looking nice, not being comfortable. Strange concept, but works in the Bell’s favor.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

191px-arby27s_logo-svgArby’s

I don’t particularly like Arby’s food, but I won’t let that stop me from being objective. I haven’t seen too many stand-alone Arby’s, and I’ve only been inside of one, and it wasn’t a particularly pretty scene. But it wasn’t a disaster. Their biggest advantage is that they’re often in malls or airports and things of that nature, and, as previously discussed, those places don’t usually have the true slobs.

Filt Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

popeyeslouisianakitchenPopeye’s

The best thing Popeye’s has going for it is that it’s not the lower ranking places. You’ll find all of the telltale signs: sweatpants, unseasonal jackets, dirty shoes, but there’s a certain civility still present. It’s bad, but it’s not that bad. It’s close enough to the edge to stare down into the abyss, but something keeps it from diving in. It mostly has these next few to thank for that.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

300px-burger_king_logo-svgBurger King

As hard as it is these days, I still consider myself a Burger King guy. I have such fond memories of it that I refuse to acknowledge it’s sharp decline. I even still enjoy some of their menu items. But Burger King is trash, and the average BK dining room reflects that. Here’s where you start to see people that don’t have the best personal hygiene. There’s plenty of Kmart-chique. Might be some holes in the clothing. Definitely the type to make a scene and ask to speak to a manager. I guess that’s what charging $1 for 20 chicken nuggets will attract.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

224px-little_caesars_logo-svgLittle Caesars

The first time I went inside a Little Caesars was my true loss of innocence. I had obviously been exposed to fast food outfits before, but seeing what lay inside Little Caesars truly shocked me. The stained sweatpants. The body odor. The dental issues. Little Caesars has everything you’d expect from a place with $5 pizzas. It’s a true hell-hole, but it’s somehow not the worst. Bring children at your own risk.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

Wendy’s800px-wendy27s_logo_2012-svg

In a vacuum, the outfits you’ll find at Wendy’s are virtually indistinguishable from the ones you’ll find at Burger King. It’s the same Wal-Mart 2 for $10 graphic t-shirts, the baggy jeans, the Avia shoes. But the fact that Wendy’s is the undisputed king of the Big 3 (McD, BK, Wendy’s) brings their rating way down. The customers are an insult to the food. Not to be an elitist snob, but coming to Wendy’s dressed like a homeless person should get you kicked out. You shouldn’t be served. You should have to submit some kind of proof that you’ve showered in the last 48 hours if you want Wendy’s. All these dirty scoundrels just bring down what should be an enjoyable dining experience. I turn my nose up the Wendy’s patrons, whether that makes me a bad person or not.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

1024px-kfc_logo-svgKFC

The mystery restaurant that inspired this blog. If you didn’t see KFC coming as number one, I don’t know what to tell you. If this starts even a bit of controversy I guess there’s a lot of people out there who have never entered a Kentucky Fried Chicken. The people at KFC are a different breed. And that includes myself. If my friends saw some of the things I’ve worn to KFC they’d never look at me again. Some of my worst, oldest, most stain-filled clothes can’t even make me the worst dressed, though, because the creatures that crawl out of the barrels of grease in KFC are truly something else. Imagine the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone wear, rip a million holes in it, add some prominent stains, some of the greasiest, most matted hair in human history, some very cheap and very worn out shoes, then make everything a size or two too big. Once you add the confrontational attitudes and indecipherable white-trash accent and you’ve got a special species of “human” that can only be found here. I hardly ever go to KFC, but when I do, I usually sit in the car for a few seconds considering whether or not I truly want to go in and face the crowd that awaits me. If I ever went to a KFC in a high end neighborhood (if they even exist), I think even the millionaires would be wearing some cheap $50 sweats. It’s just something about KFC that draws the worst out of people’s wardrobes. And I don’t think anything could ever change that.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

These Organic Doritos are the Biggest Affront to Creation I’ve Ever Seen

So I just got home from doing a little grocery shopping. Got to keep the Brian’s Den well stocked, after all. I was just walking along, minding my own business, perusing the holy temple chip aisle when something caught my attention. It was so jarring I had to take a picture:

Organic Doritos. Needless to say I was shocked and appalled. I used to think the combination jar of peanut butter/jelly was the most offensive thing at the grocery store, but no longer. I’ve eaten a lot of disgusting concoctions in my life, most of the time on purpose, and I wouldn’t even consider letting one of these enter my body. First of all, I don’t know what they put in these things, but the words “organic” and “Doritos” should never be in the same sentence. They’re polar opposites. They scientifically can’t exist simultaneously. It’d be like if a team from Atlanta suddenly started ripping off championship after championship. It’s just not what God intended (trashing Atlanta sports is my new favorite hobby if you couldn’t tell, mostly because now that the Falcons are dead and buried, there are no more Atlanta fans left to get mad at me). Second, I just hate what they represent. If you made a Venn Diagram of people who love Doritos and people who love organic food, I’m guessing the two circles wouldn’t intersect much. Just let Doritos be Doritos. Not everything needs to be healthy, GMO free, no preservatives (I don’t care if I’m the only one left, but I love preservatives. I don’t want to put any pressure on myself to eat stuff right away before they go bad. Bread especially), organic, blah, blah, blah. I don’t go to Whole Foods for my snacks. I blame all the hipster parents who are convinced their kids have special dietary needs even though they haven’t gotten any kind of medical diagnosis. They’ve started a war on delicious and unhealthy food and I’ve had enough. First, they came for peanut butter and I said nothing. Next, they made vegetable chips, and I said nothing (mostly because they’re secretly pretty good). Then they came for sugary cereal, and I said nothing. Now, they’re coming for Doritos, and I must say something before there’s no one left to do so. Just left us keep Doritos, okay? Just let us keep one thing. Your little bundles of joy Aiden, Mason, and Jaxxson will be fine if they eat one thing with artificial flavoring. Not everything needs to become super clean and PC. They’re Doritos, for crying out loud! Don’t turn them into McDonald’s by making them bend over backwards to become “healthy.” You’ve already ruined enough things I love.

While we’re talking grocery stores, I just needed to throw out some basic grocery store etiquette, because for some reason people don’t know how to act like human beings when they shop:

  • Use the correct carrying device. If you’re only getting a few small things, take a basket not a full cart.
  • If your total items is more than or equal to the allotted number for the express line, don’t use it.
  • Don’t sample something if it’s not a free sample. I see (usually older) people open a bag of grapes and eat one or two then put it back all the time, and it’s the closest I come to committing murder.
  • Take a number at the deli and wait your turn. You’d be surprised how many people don’t understand this concept.
  • If you have to return something (whether it’s expired and you were too blind to realize it or whatever other reason you make up), don’t eat half of it first.
  • Don’t stop you cart in the middle of an aisle. Go to one side. Also have some kind of awareness for where the best place to park is. Directly in front of all the chicken blocking everyone isn’t it.
  • If you aren’t elderly or impaired in some way, don’t walk really slow when you know people are behind you.
  • Don’t hold the refrigerator/freezer doors open for longer than you need to.
  • Don’t open something before you buy it. This might just be my own pet peeve, but still.
  • At least attempt to control your unruly children.
  • For the love of God, don’t ask one of the employees (who probably want to kill themselves because they work at a grocery store) if there’s more of something in the back. What, do you think there’s an entire other store in the back full of stuff they don’t want you to buy? Use your brain.

If you don’t understand these basic tenants of society, odds are you’re too oblivious to function in a civilized culture in the first place.

P.S.

Easily the most underrated thing at any grocery store are the TastyKakes. No one knows about them and they’re so much better than Hostess, Little Debbie, Drake’s, etc. Being a TastyKake guy is like being in a secret club. One time I grabbed a box while another guy was reaching for some and we just gave each other a nod because we both knew the other was a man of taste (get it?). Top five TastyKakes:

  1. Chocolate Juniors- undisputed GOAT snack cake
  2. Butterscotch Krimpets- changed my opinion on butterscotch permanently
  3. Coconut Juniors- a bit of a controversial pick, but you don’t come here for soft takes
  4. Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes- like a Peanut Butter Patty, but a snack cake
  5. Cream Filled Koffee Kake Cupcakes- take one of the all time great snack cakes, then add some delicious cream to the middle