War for the Planet of the Apes Review

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Caesar stands tall amidst the monkey business surrounding him.

Rating: 🐡🐡🐡🐡🐡🐡🐡🐡

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I’m so hyped for this Captain Underpants Movie

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Maybe I’m just not watching the right channels, but somehow this isn’t the biggest news in the entire world. The Captain Underpants movie comes out today. This is the biggest movie since John Wick 2 and I haven’t been beaten over the head with a relentless add campaign. Classic media, only showing you what they want you to see. Whatever, more room in the theater for me.

I think it’s safe to say I wouldn’t be who I am today without Captain Underpants. I loved everything about the stories. I still do, really. I just identified with George and Harold (mostly Harold, since he’s white). Growing up, I read the Harry Potter books an infinite amount of times. Well, I read the Captain Underpants books more than that. Captain Underpants is more than just a brilliant character and book series. It represents a way of life. To be who you really are deep down inside. To live without shame. To fight for truth, justice, and all that is pre-shrunk and cottony. The books and illustrations were so good I didn’t even think there needed to be a movie. But now that there is one? I’m jacked up. I’m ready to run through a brick wall. I’m gonna be hootin’ and hollerin’ in the theater like it’s the Comedy Night at the Apollo. I’m ready for Action. I’m ready for Thrills. And I’m ready for Laffs. I’m almost hesitant to give a review on it since I’m so biased, but I lack any journalistic integrity, so it’s all good. And let’s be honest. The source material is so good, it’s impossible for this movie to be bad. Hopefully this introduces a new generation to the wonderful exploits of Mr. Krupp, the bravest man who ever lived. I feel like the Patriots just won the Super Bowl again.

TRA LA LAAAAAAA!!!!!

Hugh Jackman says he didn’t know Wolverines were Real

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source–Β Jackman didn’t know wolverines were real things. He thought it was a play on β€œwolf.” According to Page Six, Jackman said at a panel, β€œI literally, embarrassingly did about two weeks of research on wolves. I was rehearsing for three weeks and I was shooting, so I was kind of on my own.”

While on the set of 2000’s X-Men, director Bryan Singer noticed something was not right: β€œHe said, β€˜Are you sort of walking funny, what’s going on?’ And I said, β€˜I’ve been doing this thing with wolves,’ and he goes, β€˜You know you’re not a wolf, right?β€˜β€

β€œI said, β€˜Well, there’s no such thing as a wolverine,β€˜β€ Jackman said, erroneously. He was instructed to β€œgo to the zoo, dude.”

Alright, as anΒ amateur expert zoologist, I’m sure everyone’s expecting to tear my guy Hugh to shreds for such ignorance. How can someone not know that the source of inspiration for the character he’s spent half his life playing was a real creature? He’s a superstar actor, surely he has enough spare time to do a second of research. I mean, he’s spent enough time in America to have heard plenty about wolverines, after all. Did he think Michigan named it’s teams after nonsense? No, I’m not going to criticize him for that kind of ignorance. Everyone gets one moment of stupidity every now and then. What I’m really upset with him about is the fact that he doubted the existence of any animal as an Australian.

He’s seen the kind of things in his backyard, right? There’s an entire clade of animals that only exists there. You literally can’t find marsupials anywhere else in the world because they’re too weird. Koalas are like the most normal looking. Kangaroos are pretty much people with tails and a worse attitude. And the egg laying mammals are complete freaks. I mean, echidnas? Look at these things:

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And platypuses?

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He lives with these things and he thinks wolverines are fake? What? Are Australians’ views of the world so skewed by the monsters that live next door that they can’t even fathom what normal animals are like? Are they so used to crazy reptiles that spit poison out of every part of their body that a regular old wolverine seems fake? How can you run around with giant snakes and alligators and dingos and emus and the like and have the nerve to think any animal can be fake? That’s what everyone should be questioning here. I refuse to believe Hugh actually thought that there were animals that didn’t exist. If I were Australian I’d believe in pretty much any legend you told me, because odds are I’ve already seen worse. That’s why I think this is fake. Just a story Hugh made up to seem more relatable. Sorry, Hugh, I’m not buying it. You’re not like me. I can’t be Wolverine. Telling me a made up tale about not knowing wolverines exist doesn’t make me like me like you more.

The GOAT of educational videos: