We’re back with another reader email. Always an honor to hear from fans, especially when they have Burning Questions they need answered. We’ve got a juicy one today, coming from our old friend WhiteKong, who is just full of Burning Questions. He asks (with slight paraphrasing):
“With all these marches and protests going on, is there really any point in just being a guy anymore? It’s like no one cares how hard we have it. Like when a little pee leaks out even after you shake, or any of the other countless hardships I have to deal with on a daily basis. Bleak times for those with Y chromosomes.”
First of all, I’d like to give my condolences to WhiteKong’s pants. I’ve been there myself, and I know the inconvenience it causes. Now, to the question at hand. I can tell WhiteKong is in need of a friend. A shoulder to cry on. The first light of dawn during the long night that is 2017. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can give him the answers he’s looking for. After carefully considering all sides, I can say that, as of today, it’s no longer worth it being a guy.
The world just doesn’t care about us anymore. It’s a painful conclusion to make, but sadly, a true one. There’s Women’s Marches every other day. Social media treats guys as constant punching bags. Women are now allowed to be popular, successful comedians. Every movie these days is just an all-female remake of an older movie. (I’m currently working on an all-male adaptation of Death Becomes Her. Look for me at the Oscars.) We’ve been pushed to the side. And as a newly marginalized citizen, quite frankly, I’m sick of it.
Everyone has conveniently forgotten how hard it is being a guy. The rigidity of what we’re supposed to like is overbearing. Women can literally admit to liking absolutely anything in the world and it’s met with applause. I say I love flowers and fruity drinks and daytime TV host Harry Connick, Jr. and I get harshly judged by everyone from here to Timbuktu. It makes me wonder how the world can be so unjust. And how about the expectations for what our bodies are supposed to be? Take me, for example. Due to my distinguished amateur eating competition career in high school, I’m always expected to eat a ton at parties, whether I want to or not, lest I risk being made fun of for not being able to eat as much as I could when I was 18. Guess what? I almost never feel like stuffing my face anymore, but I don’t want to become an outcast without a party trick. Where’s the march for me? And don’t even get me started on dealing with people accusing you of mansplaining. It’s become such a common phrase that a red line didn’t even appear underneath a made-up word. And while it’s certainly infuriating having a mansplaining accusation thrown at you for literally saying anything, mansplaining is really a catch-all for any of the thousands of phrases that replace the first syllable with man. They’re all so stupid and contrived and every single one of them makes me want to dive in front of an incoming 18 wheeler. I’d like to see a woman deal with a stupid phrase that starts with woman. Like womanplaining, which is when women complain online about things guys do by using a phrase that stars with man. But I’m getting too caught up in my emotions. The way to fight back against discrimination isn’t by lashing out in anger, it’s by peaceful and thoughtful protest. But we’re fighting a battle against impossible odds. Every action guys take is met with scorn and ridicule, no matter the intent. There are no right moves to make. No ways to win. It’s like being the husband of 20 years to the entire Internet. All that remains from a once loving relationship is contempt.
So there you have it, WhiteKong. There’s almost no point in being a guy anymore. How you continue on is a decision that each individual guy is going to have to make. I’m going to hold steady against the tide, trying to be the last beacon for those fellow guy lost in this new wilderness. When I’m the last guy remaining, who knows. I can only predict the future of football games. But I wish you luck, and I hope you know that at least one person out there still cares.
What do you think? Am I right? Wrong? Should I just kill myself for being a guy? Let me know your thoughts. The Brian’s Den is stronger when a whole pride is living inside. And always remember, if you have a Burning Question that needs answering, you know where to find me.