NFL Week 7 Picks

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Man, what a great Thursday night game between two exciting, innovative teams who are surely to be right in the mix at the end of the season. Can’t believe what a privilege it is to watch two of the greatest offensive minds in the game go head-to-head in a high-stakes chess match. I’ll remember this one for a long time.

Hah! You thought I would devote precious hours of my life to watching Broncos vs. the Arizona Professional Football Team?

On to the real games.

Tennessee Titans vs Los Angeles Chargers (-7)

You know what I hate? “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon. Might be the worst song ever recorded. At the very least the most annoying. Song’s a piece of shit. I’m glad Kid Rock co-opted it for “All Summer Long.” You know what else I hate? Duran Duran. Can’t explain why, but if Van Halen didn’t exist they’d be my least favorite band of all time. Other than that, love England. Got yelled at by a Stonehenge staffer when I went. I was sitting on one of the stones and the guy told me to get off to preserve the ancient monument or something. I know it was just because he didn’t want me absorbing any of the mystic power that courses through the entire area. Too bad for him enough energy had already entered my bloodstream to fundamentally change me and give me supernatural abilities, which I use to correctly pick NFL games, like this one. This game’s in London, if you couldn’t tell, and it’s the first 9:30am game of the year. Couldn’t think of anything else I’d rather wake up to than Marcus Mariota going 9/15 for 108 yards and a pick. Gonna be electric. Still, Chargers stink going East (in my mind, at least), and Wembley is the Easternmost NFL stadium.

Pick: Titans

Buffalo Bills at Indianapolis Colts (-7.5)

Colts shouldn’t be favored by most high school teams by more than 4 points, so I have no idea what the hell this line is. I know it’s the Derek Anderson effect, but still. Bills D is somehow good enough to keep them from getting blown out by fellow bad teams. No game had a high range of watchability: if Peterman was starting, it would have been must watch. Since it’s Anderson? No thanks.

Pick: Bills

New England Patriots (-3) at Chicago Bears

I will pay Khalil Mack a substantial amount of money to sit this game out. Not that I’m worried he’ll ruin the Pats chances of winning, or anything. I just don’t want him anywhere near my 41-year-old QB. Pats by a million either way since the Bears D is highly overrated.

Pick: Pats

Carolina Panthers at Philadelphia Eagles (-5)

LOVE the Panthers. Love ’em. Eagles are coming off a big Thursday win and have a big game against the Jags in London next week. I know they’ve overlooked the Panthers because they’ve convinced themselves they’re back. Unfortunately for them, the rest of the league is not the NFC East. Panthers just shove the ball down your throat and grind out wins. When facing this same strategy earlier in the year, the Titans beat them in OT. The Panthers are better than the Titans.

Pick: Panthers

Detroit Lions (-3) at Miami Dolphins

I don’t like the Lions being favored in Miami. Just doesn’t sit right with me. Detroit and South Beach are as polar as polar opposites can get. Either team is a major fish out of water (pun NOT intended) in the other team’s house. The Lions are used to cold, snow, thick, square pizza, hot dogs with chili and mustard, and automobile factories. You put them in the middle of the 305 and expect them to win by more than 3? The culture shock alone will keep them under 21 points. The second Matt Stafford hears a note of Latin music and his hips start involuntarily moving he won’t know what to do. This has Dolphins blowout written all over it.

Pick: Dolphins

Minnesota Vikings (-3.5) at New York Jets

I’m officially on record saying the Vikings are Back. They just needed to get used to a new QB, sometimes it takes a few weeks. The defense is starting to play like we thought they would, but their run defense has been there all year. The Jets are only good when they can run the ball at will. Not that hard to figure out.

Pick: Vikings

Cleveland Browns at Tampa Bay Bucs (-3.5)

All I know about this game is that there’s going to be 10,000 turnovers, most of them very funny. Because Jameis throws the funniest picks this side of Buffalo and Baker sneaky just throws the ball straight to the other team a lot. Still, the Bucs play defense the same way I go to the gym: we just don’t. The Browns of the past would roll over and die after getting dominated last week. But these are the New Browns, who keep fighting no matter what. These Browns have the ball in the red zone with 30 seconds left, down 27-23. They still lose, though.

Pick: Bucs

Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars (-5)

I grow tired of the Jags. They only play well when they feel the other team is worthy of their effort, and, apparently, the Pats are they only team they’ve given that distinction. Now, they’re not the first team to be completely obsessed with beating the Pats (they may be the last, though. Sigh), but they way they just dismiss every other team in the league and don’t bother showing up 90% of the time annoys me. I can do that. I’ve been there for five titles. I’ve won. The Jags have made two AFC championship games in their history, winning neither, and are acting like million time champs. Don’t become the Wizards of the NFL, guys. I can already tell the team hates each other. Calais Campbell seemingly spends half of every game trying to assuage the various personalities who are upset that someone else on the team isn’t as perfect as they are. Meanwhile, the Texans are kinda, sorta good, now. If they had a competent coach, they might even be actually good. I think the Texans win this handily as the Jags predictable spiral continues.

Pick: Texans

New Orleans Saints at Baltimore Ravens (-2.5)

I think this is the first Ravens game I’m legitimately excited for since the last time they played the Pats in the playoffs. Kind of crazy stat: this is the 23rd season in Ravens history. They’ve finished outside the top ten in total defense seven times, and three of those times were the team’s first three seasons. Thus far, they rank first in total defense and first in points allowed. This would also be the highest they’ve ranked in total yards since Vinny Testaverde was under center. What I’m saying is that the Ravens are the only AFC team I’m scared of in the playoffs and that I wouldn’t be very surprised if they won the Super Bowl. That being said, they can’t enter the playoffs with too many wins. Coming off a shutout victory, this is exactly the kind of game where Flacco looks like the worst person to ever attempt a forward pass and everything goes wrong. Got to throw people off the scent, a little.

Pick: Saints

Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins (-2)

I bet you’re thinking I’m gonna have another snarky comment about the NFL forcing boring-ass NFC East matchups down our throats in national 4:25/prime time spots. I’m offended you would think so low of me. Everyone knows how much I love watching Dak Prescott and Alex Smith!

(The NFL has my family. They’ve threatened to kill them if I say how much I hate NFC East games one more time. I know this is going to be the worst game of all time, but, please, think of my family! You have to say how much you love NFC East division games being shown on national TV!)

Pick: Cowboys

Los Angeles Rams (-10) at San Francisco 49ers

Pick: Rams

Cincinnati Bengals at Kansas City Chiefs (-6)

The formula is pretty simple, here: Bengals at night vs. the best offense in the league looking to come back with a vengeance after their first loss. Chiefs might have 42 at the half.

Pick: Chiefs

New York Giants at Atlanta Falcons (-5)

I’ve got a feeling this is the week Jason Witten and Booger McFarland finally have a fist fight in the post-game meeting. The animosity is too intense not to boil over at some point. Also, I usually hate “this-announcer-sucks” guy because almost every announcer is perfectly fine and getting upset at the announcer is just a defense mechanism used to deny the fact that the team you root for is actually terrible and you’re a moron for choosing them, but Jason Witten STINKS. Everything he says is the most obvious, rote cliche in history, and he has the camera presence of an empty chair. Jason Witten grade: D-. Giants in prime time grade: D-. Falcons in prime time grade: C-. Falcons would have a higher grade, but I just keep thinking of when they were on prime time and blew a 25 point third quarter lead against the Patriots. I think it was in the Super Bowl, too.

Pick: Falcons

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First Man Review

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Damn, didn’t realize Neil Armstrong was that handsome.

Rating: 👨‍🚀👨‍🚀👨‍🚀👨‍🚀👨‍🚀👨‍🚀👨‍🚀👨‍🚀👨‍🚀

73 Thoughts About the 2018-19 NBA Season

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Folks, tonight is opening night of the 2018-19 NBA season. I’m not in the basketball mindset whatsoever. This might hamper some people’s ability to create comprehensive, insightful, entertaining pieces about the upcoming season, but, luckily for you, I’m not most people. I’ll shake off the rust and give the quality roundball takes you’ve been jonesing for since the draft. So, here’s 73 thoughts, predictions, takes, and various observations about this season. Why 73? Unless my math is incorrect this is the 73rd season of professional basketball in these United States of America. Easy enough, right?

  1. The Golden State Warriors will win the championship.
  2. This doesn’t mean the league is ruined or that this season won’t be a ton of fun.
  3. The Boston Celtics will win two NBA Finals games this year.
  4. The Celtics will have four All-Stars- Kyrie Irving, Al Horford, Gordon Hayward, Jayson Tatum.
  5. The snub will cause Jaylen Brown to go on a second-half tear and compete for All-NBA Third team.
  6. The Celtics will win 61 games and finish second in the East to the Raptors.
  7. The Raptors got Kawhi. Don’t know if you heard.
  8. I’m actually interested to watch the Raptors. Every year the narrative was “they’re finally playing team ball and taking less mid-range jumpers” only to play the exact same iso, mid-range heavy style they always do. Now that they no longer have a member of the Mid-Range Holy Trinity on the roster maybe they’ll switch things up. And maybe they’ll stop thinking Kyle Lowry will do well in the playoffs.
  9. The Lakers got LeBron. Don’t know if you heard.
  10. Lakers will obviously be a sideshow all season with the preposterous roster they’ve put together, but I actually think people are underestimating them. I’ve seen some takes floating around that they won’t make the playoffs. Huh? Since when does a LeBron team win less than 50 games? It’s not like this team is any worse than the Cavs last year.
  11. Love the updated Lakers yellow jerseys. Hate the updated purple ones with the black paneling:
  12. Lonzo Ball- apparently a tattoo sleeve guy, now:Kind of doesn’t fit, honestly. Should have consulted me beforehand.
  13. Speaking of new ink, what kind of things did Jordan Clarkson get into during the offseason?When your older brother forces you to join his biker gang against your will.
  14. Marcus Smart and J.R. Smith WILL exchange punches at some point this season.
  15. I’m glad I was on the right side of history when it comes to Jimmy Butler. I hope people remember there were some Celtics fans who wanted to trade Jaylen Brown and what became Jayson Tatum AND other things for him.
  16. It’s not that he’s not good. He clearly is. But no one is every good enough to be his teammate and no one is good enough to earn his respect and nothing can ever make him happy. At some point it’s you, man.
  17. His mentality works when you’re Kobe and have a million rings. It doesn’t work when you can’t get out of the first or second round.
  18. Also no one makes scoring look harder. He’s the anti-Kevin Durant.
  19. That being said, he is the legal owner of the Timberwolves, now.
  20. I cannot wait to watch them play. Andrew Wiggins cowering at Jimmy’s feet and KAT glaring at him but never confronting him in any way will be fascinating. 23-59.
  21. Speaking of fun to watch, aside from the obvious (Warriors, Celtics, Sixers, Lakers), the most fun team to watch will be….. the Sacramento Kings.
  22. Don’t get me wrong, they’re going to stink. But I’m just so curious to watch them. They have 10,000 guys who need minutes, most of them are centers, and almost none of them complement each other.
  23. I’m all in on Harry Giles. I love him, De’Aaron Fox, and Marvin Bagley together. So much speed and explosiveness and odd passing chemistry. They’re electric.
  24. Anti-chemistry team was going to be clearly the Wizards before the Jimmy drama. Beal and Wall already hated each other before adding in noted locker room guy Dwight Howard. They’re going to be trash.
  25. I’m excited for Dwight’s former team the Brooklyn Nets. They are my hometown team, after all.
  26. I also own the Barclays Center.
  27. I do legitimately like the Nets roster, though. They’re athletic, fast, take a billion threes, and try hard. That’s a good formula for when you start getting better players. They finally have their own draft picks, now!
  28. Bucks have a new arena this year called the Fiserv Forum. I have yet to decide if I like the camera angle, lighting, and various arena sounds yet. Stay tuned.
  29. Bucks also have a new coach in Mike Budenholzer, who actually knows what he’s doing. If the offense is now more advanced than “hey, Giannis, just go to the hoop and do something,” the Bucks could be trouble.
  30. Giannis will win MVP and Khris Middleton will be an All-Star.
  31. New jerseys this year for the Grizzlies and Nuggets:
  32. I love the Nuggets’ new white jerseys but the other two are just okay. Big fan of the Grizzlies’ entire look.
  33. The Thunder’s City edition jersey is apparently Native American influenced and, for the first time since they moved, I can say with confidence: the Thunder have an awesome looking jersey.
  34. The Jazz, Hawks, Magic, TWolves, Pacers, Warriors, and Hornets all have some sweet throwbacks this year, too.
  35. Legit can’t wait for all the City edition uniforms and Earned edition uniforms to be unveiled. If I could see all of them today but had to take five years off my life I’d do it without thinking twice.
  36. This site is awesome if you’re like me and are obsessed with jerseys, warmup gear, and court designs.
  37. A trend I like: alternate court designs. The Bucks introduced it a few years ago when they had a different court design to go along with their black alternates, but now almost every alternate jersey comes with its own court design, too. This Hornets one is awesome:The Nuggets have a special Mile High court, the Sixers have multiple courts, the Jazz have multiple courts. Keep being creative when designing courts! They shouldn’t all look the same.
  38. I’ve decided I kind of like the jersey ads and I hate the five remaining teams who have decided they’re too good for them.
  39. I think I love this rookie class too much.
  40. DeAndre Ayton has been a freak in the preseason. The major concern going in was his effort level. If he tries every night? I don’t want to say Dwight Howard is his floor but Dwight Howard might be his floor.
  41. Luka Doncic is my new god. Please respect my decision.
  42. This might be Dirk’s final season. Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
  43. I will be at the Mavs-Nets game in Brooklyn on March 4th no matter what. Never seen Dirk play so better get it in now.
  44. I commend the Spurs for assembling the complete Mid-Range Holy Trinity. The Father (LaMarcus Aldridge), the Son (DeMar DeRozan), and the Holy Spirit (Rudy Gay) will guide them to 43 wins.
  45. Many people will say the Sixers will win the East. This is obviously false.
  46. Maybe Ben Simmons will take a non-half-court three this year.
  47. If he ever gets to like, Blake Griffin-level shooting he’ll be a top five player in the league. But he hasn’t even considered using his correct hand to shoot, yet, so don’t hold your breath.
  48. Joel Embiid will dominate some random center (not Aron Baynes, obviously) and trash them on Instagram. My boldest prediction.
  49. I try to keep the takes away from the scalding territory, but I need to throw this out there: Anthony Davis is good.
  50. Kind of like the Pelicans this year. I expect them to finish 3 or 4 in the West. I love their crazy-fast, balls-to-the-wall, just have AD get 45-15 style.
  51. I see no reason why Russell Westbrook won’t average a triple double again this year and it’s crazy that no one cares.
  52. Sometime around the trade deadline Kevin Love will start putting up 20-20 games left and right. Purely by coincidence, though.
  53. It pains me, but the Hornets are going to be the most boring team in the league. Someone rescue Kemba Walker and Jeremy Lamb.
  54. Don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but my freshman year at the University of Connecticut was the year Kemba Walker dragged the Huskies to the national title. Saw him and Shabazz Napier at an Applebee’s one time.
  55. I think the all-UConn team might be able to win 37 games this year. Kemba, Shabazz, Lamb, Rudy Gay, Andre Drummond, Daniel Hamilton. Stacked lineup.
  56. Top Five Brian’s Den League Pass Rankings: Celtics, Kings, Nuggets, Warriors, Lakers
  57. Bottom Five Brian’s Den League Pass Rankings: Hornets, Pistons, Magic, Cavs, Grizzlies
  58. Scoring leader: Anthony Davis. Darkhorse: Devin Booker
  59. Assist leader: Russell Westbrook. Darkhorse: LeBron
  60. Rebound leader: Andre Drummon. Darkhorse: DeAndre Ayton
  61. Steals leader: Paul George. Darkhorse: De’Aaron Fox
  62. Blocks leader: Anthony Davis. Darkhorse: Mo Bamba
  63. Someone will join Steph Curry in the 300 made 3s in a season club.
  64. New York Knicks, Miami Heat, L.A. Clippers, Chicago Bulls, Portland Trail Blazers. There, mentioned every team at least once.
  65. MVP: Giannis
  66. DPOY: AD
  67. ROY: Luka
  68. Coach of the Year: Brad Stevens
  69. Sixth Man: Tyreke Evans
  70. Most Improved: Jaylen Brown
  71. Finals Prediction: Warriors over Celtics
  72. Scale of 1-100, how much fun will this season be: 1,000,000

Monday Thoughts Week 6

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The sixth Sunday of the NFL season is in the books, and, I don’t know about you, but this one played with my emotions a little too much for my taste. I mean, to go from an electrifying Witching Hour on Red Zone directly into the three most boring late games in NFL history was just brutal. But that’s just the price you have to pay to get a million exciting finishes. The bill always comes, and I’ll gladly pay the piper when it comes to the NFL. Because I’m a sucker. This is Monday Thoughts™.

  • Can I start declining the free football the NFL is offering? Because I absolutely did not need more Bears-Dolphins.
  • Let’s check in on the Bears Twitter graphics:
  • Pretty messed up looking Dolphin.
  • Tarik Cohen is like if Darren Sproles was 5’8″
  • I guess I somehow missed that Ryan Tannehill was hurt and Brocktober was making a surprise cameo. That’s on me for not keeping up on my Dolphins news.
  • Nice D, fellas!
  • Felt like the Bears were up like 40 all game but then they lost. That’s football, Suzyn.
  • Live look at Sunday night in the Brian’s Den:
  • Memes, amirite?
  • Josh Allen gets knocked out, which means it’s Peterman time!
  • Wait, what?
  • That’s more like it.
  • R.I.P. people of Houston, pt. 100
  • I like how the Bucs are just the 2010-2016 Saints now. Explosive yet flawed offense with the worst defense ever put on an NFL field. It’s nice having teams like that in the league.
  • There goes Julio Jones, scoring at will again.
  • What’s that? That wasn’t Julio and Julio doesn’t have a touchdown this year? Yeah, okay.
  • This is every single Jameis Winston pick
  • “Alright gang, we’ve got Mike Evans and two good tight ends, one of whom went to Harvard, and we need a TD. Anyone got any ideas?” “I got it, coach”
  • Think I’m just gonna pull a pretentious sportswriter move and just start referring to them as the Arizona professional football team because everything about them offends me. I used to draw bullshit formations and plays in high school that I know were better than what Steve Wilks calls on a weekly basis. Josh Rosen’s career is already wasted.
  • That being said, I think the Vikings are back.
  • Antoine Bethea is somehow still in the league but probably won’t be for much longer after this:
  • Maximum scrappiness
  • When the young kids say you’re not cool but you know you have “swagger” and “drip”kxtcfkh
  • Folks, the Browns are officially BACK.
  • Melvin Gordon lives in the end zone.
  • Decent game from Ty Williams
  • Colts-Jets turning into a shootout was unexpected, especially when the Jets came out wearing gray facemasks to honor the Super Bowl III team or something:I hated them at first, but it kind of grew on me. Still not as good as the green.
  • I hate on Andrew Luck a lot (and honestly, even if every interception he’s ever thrown gets deflected ten times there’s a reason they keep getting deflected), but tough to succeed when this happens:
  • I know there were 78 combined points in this game but nothing happened. I just don’t care about the Jets or Colts. Sorry.
  • Not really, though.
  • Sick TD, but the Panthers need to burn this jersey combination
  • One of the most impressive runs of his career because doing anything with only one shoe on is impossible
  • Redskins are so boring. I just don’t care about them, either. Sorry.
  • Not really, though.
  • Let’s check in on how the Raiders’ season is going:
  • Not great
  • Hmmmm
  • Yikes!
  • I’ve been sitting on this for most of my football-watching life, but I have to get it off my chest: I hate safeties. Hate them passionately. One decapitated Amari Cooper for no reason, one cheap-shotted Jameis for no reason, and Darian Stewart could have ended Cooper Kupp’s season with the most egregious horsecollar tackle since the one that broke T.O.’s leg then acted like a martyr when it was flagged. Like, why? What do you gain from being a dirty piece of shit? What pleasure do you get from drawing a 15-yard penalty every play? Is it fun injuring people? If I was a ref I’d preemptively eject every safety before the game started. I mean some of these guys make Vontaze Burfict look like Ned Flanders. If the NFL actually cared about player safety they’d start kicking guys out of the league. End of rant.
  • Lifelong Raiders fan Sami Khedira has to be sick to his stomach over this one
  • Wonder if Russell Wilson’s concussion water sells well in England.
  • Can’t believe the Bengals blew an opportunity to seize control of the AFC North by losing to Steelers. First time it’s ever happened.
  • Man, the Steelers have arguably the best receiver in the league and they love giving him the ball
  • Exclusive look at Antonio Brown every time JuJu does anything
  • Antonio Brown has actually released a statement regarding the fact that someone on the Steelers not named Antonio Brown was given multiple targets in a single game:
  • Yeah, he caught the game-winning TD (offensive pass interference notwithstanding) but it’s more fun to think of him as an angry child who throws a tantrum every time someone else on his team gets to be the star. A real stretch, I know.
  • Broncos have to jump to the front of the climate change committee, because a legit snow game was their only chance of beating those pansy-ass surfer bros from L.A.
  • Broncos stink but at least Bradley Chubb is good
  • Definitely didn’t need a QB with that fifth pick! Especially with that Swag Kelly cameo before halftime.
  • R.I.P. people of Los Angeles
  • The Rams being sponsored by Jack in the Box and not In-n-Out is a massive red flag. I thought they were supposed to be the cool L.A. team? The high powered, high octane, flashy squad that lights up the record books but doesn’t really even care about it, brah, they’re just trying to catch some waves. Need that In-n-Out partnership to complete the look. Zero chance they make the Super Bowl, now.
  • I’d imagine this is the standard reaction when Aaron Donald is sprinting at you:
  • Todd Gurley is ridiculous good. Just had to say that.
  • Recap of Jags-Cowboys and Ravens-Titans:giphy
  • So apparently McDonald’s is now using Bad Luck Brian in a new ad for Monopoly their Trick. Treat. Win! campaign
  • As an actual Brian, this upsets me. My culture is not your prom dress meme, dammit! The early 2010s were brutal for Brians everywhere because of this meme (not really, but just go with it). I don’t want to be reminded of this dumb Internet fad by my favorite fast food establishment. It’s insulting. Give me Scumbag Steve, instead. At least that one was funny.
  • It’s crazy to think about the difference in meme longevity between now and the early days of meme culture. Bad Luck Brian was relevant for years. Years! Nowadays the latest Spongebob meme lasts three days before it’s completely killed off. I miss the old days.
  • The only thing that surprised me about Chiefs-Pats is that the Pats didn’t cover. It got a little hairy, but the Chiefs were never, at any point, going to win.
  • Gronk is just a dog, part 109412305364
  • Crazy highlight dump
  • Good news: Big Macs for sacks is BACK
  • Why I love the Internet: while looking for Devin/Jason McCourty highlights stumbling on this video
  • Rutgers-UConn 2009 full game. Just what I needed. Reminds me of the one time UConn football wasn’t a complete joke (I started at UConn in 2010, and the basketball team won the National Championship the following spring, then they won again in 2014. Don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before). Good times.
  • This week was awesome. Can’t wait to cap it off with a great Monday night game! CJ Beathard in prime time, baby! Let’s goooooo!

NFL Week 6 Picks

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Jean-Paul Satre famously wrote in his 1944 play No Exit (or Huis Clos for cultured readers) “Hell is other people.” For me, Hell is NFC East division games. They’re always forced down our throats and they’re always boring as shit. The Giants have Odell Beckham and Saquon Barkley and somehow aren’t fun to watch. Think about that for a second. How is it possible to have two of the most explosive players in the league and not be exciting? For starters, if Eli Manning were a steak he’d be approaching shoe leather-levels of doneness. He’s awful. If it weren’t for his brother’s final go, this might be the worst season ever turned in by a future Hall of Famer. Obviously the dreadful o-line doesn’t help. Nor does the porous defense. I guess what I’m saying is that the Giants stink. I bet they wouldn’t stink if they stuck to their Color Rush/throwback jersey template. They look so much better with the white facemask/white pants/Giants on the helmet instead of NY combo. Enough of boring old gray. You’re the New York Giants! Stop looking like a high school team! People will say this means the Eagles are back (and they probably are), but I think the G-Men are just that bad.

We’re starting to reach that part of the season where every game looks terrible on paper, which is always a good time. Just lowers expectations, really. We’ve even got our first London game of the year! This one features two bad teams no one wants to watch! It’s all about growing the game.

Seattle Seahawks (-3) vs Oakland Raiders (London)

Me mate Jon Gruden’s been cheesed off about ‘is side’s lack of pressure, but facin’ the worst offensive line since the Spanish Inquisition should ‘elp remedy the problem. Seattle are tryin’ their ‘ardest to cock up Russell Wilson’s prime by surroundin’ ‘im wif utter crap. Methinks Pete Carroll lost the plot this past September 11th anniversary, and ‘e’s been researchin’ dodgy store-brand jet fuel burn temperatures instead of buildin’ a quality group of lads around ‘is talisman. If only this game was earlier to give it some novelty, because this is goin’ to be total bollocks. First one to 21 wins.

Pick: Raiders

Buffalo Bills at Houston Texans (-10)

I was about to say this game might be sneaky entertaining, but then I sadly realized I wasn’t living in the fantasy world I created as a lonely youth. Bills stink, Texans are….hot? Two straight wins immediately puts you among the contenders in the AFC, regardless of how bad you’ve been the rest of the year. It seems preposterous that the Texans could be favored by 10 against anyone, but they’re only favored by 10 because they’re going to win by 24.

Pick: Texans

Chicago Bears (-3.5) at Miami Dolphins

Khalil Mack may score five touchdowns this game. At the very least, he’ll have Ryan Tannehill begging for mercy and waving the white flag. But, hey, this is the Dolphins’ year to win the division.

Pick: Bears

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals (-2)

This is a new scenario I’m going to lay out for you: the Bengals, the Cincinnati Bengals, mind you, look good. They’re 4-1. They’re about to take the leap into the league’s truly elite. They’re ready to finally make some noise in the postseason. All they have to do is beat the Steelers! It’s easy!

Pick: Steelers

Indianapolis Colts at New York Jets (-2.5)

I’m worried about the fact that I think the Jets are going to dominate. It’s like thinking the sun isn’t going to rise in the morning. It’s just not where you want to be.

Pick: Colts

Carolina Panthers at Washington Redskins (-1)

Your weekly “it’ll never be shown on RedZone so did it even happen?” game. This thing’s gonna stink. I always find myself giving the Panthers the benefit of the doubt, though.

Pick: Panthers

Arizona Ca******s at Minnesota Vikings (-10.5)

Went and got some new jeans yesterday. Think they make my butt look nice. I expect to get a lot of sultry looks when I wear them out on the town. It’ll be a good boost to the ol’ self-confidence. Things are looking up!

Pick: Vikings

Los Angeles Chargers (-1.5) at Cleveland Browns

This is like a battle between gods, only instead of controlling elements or cosmic forces, their domain is finding weird ways to lose football games. A missed extra point? A last second turnover? Terrible coaching? All of these and more? What absurd event will completely cripple the losing team? Will there be a losing team? Browns D is legitimately good, but Baker is still in that “wacky rookie gunslinging QB” phase where literally anything can happen, so I know neither team runs away with it. Let’s get another tie!

Pick: Browns

Tampa Bay Bucs at Atlanta Falcons (-3)

I don’t know about the Falcons, man. They’re too good to totally suck, but they totally suck. Jameis is godawful and I’m not totally sure why he’s still included in the Bucs’ longterm plans, but the Falcons have the second worst defense of all time, behind only the Bucs. Falcons might score 70 points, but they might give up 71. The only thing I know about the Falcons is that they were up by 25 points in the third quarter against the Patriots in the Super Bowl and still lost and still haven’t recovered.

Pick: Falcons

Los Angeles Rams (-7) at Denver Broncos

Broncos are bad. Rams are good. Don’t overthink it.

Pick: Rams

Jacksonville Jaguars (-3) at Dallas Cowboys

Wait, the Cowboys are in the national 4:25 game, forcing everyone to watch them and talk about them, thus perpetuating the myth that they’re relevant??????? Huh?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Say it ain’t so.

Pick: Jags

Baltimore Ravens (-3) at Tennessee Titans

I’ve bragged about my ability to correctly predict this Ravens season. This is going to be put to the test against the Titans, the team I can’t figure out for the life of me. Actually, scratch that. I do know the Titans. They stink they’re just ridiculously lucky. Well guess what? No one is luckier than the Joe Flacco Ravens in the history of the NFL. Tough to win when the other team has your greatest strength beat.

Pick: Ravens

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots (-3)

Folks, get ready to roll you eyes- I see no scenario in which the Pats lose this game. This is all about haves and have-nots. The Chiefs start red hot every year. Every season someone comes along threatening to reinvent the game and shake the very foundation of the NFL. And every year, some hotshot team thinks they’ve got the Super Bowl wrapped up when they come to Gillette Stadium for a Sunday night game. Every year, things don’t go the way they think it will. Welcome to the Chiefs’ Letterman Jacket game. The Mahomes run is dead. Long live Mahomes.

Pick: Pats

San Francisco 49ers at Green Bay Packers (-9.5)

Dear God, why?

Pick: Packers

An Open Letter to Yankee Fans

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Last night, the Boston Red Sox finally put the Yankees out of their misery. Eliminated them in four games (in Yankee Stadium, no less) to advance to the ALCS. This, of course, means that the Yankees will no, in fact, win the World Series this year. And that makes me sad for Yankee fans everywhere. I know I’ve been hard on this unlikable group of chain wearing, jersey unbuttoning, roided up, greasy, fake-Italian mouth-breathers who can only count to 27 and have an average IQ lower than Mariano Rivera’s postseason ERA, but I’d like to take a moment and give them a message of hope and inspiration:

Good luck in 2019.

Monday Thoughts, Week 5

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When people ask me why I love the NFL so much (literally never happened, but go with me), I tell them about Sundays like this. On paper, it was the worst collection of professional football games in history. Only one game I had any interest in watching. The Cowboys in primetime again. Long, boring Sunday incoming. Or so I thought. What resulted was a crazy, wacky, unpredictable slate of games that gave us some truly, truly funny moments. The Cowboys still put me to sleep, though. This is Monday Thoughts™ week 5.

  • Folks, I’ve got some bad news for the rest of the league: the Super Bowl Champion Jets are Back
  • Guy can go 10/22 and get a three and a half minute best throw montage. Only the Jets!
  • Arguably the most Jets play of all time. Honestly would have been more disappointing if he went all the way
  • Think it might be time to break out this old favorite in the Mile High City
  • Need to address this gif of everyone’s favorite receiver Courtland Sutton:
  • You can’t be a non-white professional athlete and be this bad of a dancer. I could do this motion more fluidly. Clean it up.
  • I love the Dolphins so much. Everything’s going so great for them until they play the Patriots, and now they fold at the slightest hint of adversity. Blowing a 17-0 lead to the Bengals??? Yikes. Couldn’t be my AFC East leader.
  • Long live Ryan Tannehill
  • I’ll say it: I’m sick of James Conner’s hair. It was a funny oddity in week 1. It’s a nuisance in week 5.
  • This might be my favorite throw of all time. Big Ben doesn’t know the meaning of the words “throw it away”
  • Someone alert the authorities. Juju is appropriating mom culture:
  • I know for a FACT Antonio Brown would be sick to his stomach if the young, talented hotshot receiver who’s putting up better numbers than him got in trouble with the Internet police. He’d lose sleep for weeks if the man who he’s certainly taken under his wing was distracted and had to issue countless apologies and missed a game or two.
  • Falcons are as toast as toast can get. Remember when they were up 28-3 in the third quarter of the Super Bowl a few years ago and lost? Crazy.
  • Giants-Panthers somehow became the craziest game of the day, and it’s still not as crazy as this deal from Bojangles
  • Mmmmmm
  • Just gonna dump all these TDs here, but assume all of them are preceded by a sarcastic “Nice defense, fellas!”
  • 63 yard field goal to win at the buzzer. 63 yard field goal made in 2018! I couldn’t believe it.
  • I need this overcoat/robe
  • Wait…you’re allowed to intercept Pat Mahomes passes?
  • The fact that He is fallible makes Him that much easier to worship and give praise.
  • This was a shit-pumping of the highest order. Can’t win when you’re dealing with the Bad Bortles Games. Makes me wonder how the Pats couldn’t exploit the same weaknesses the Chiefs “defense” did.
  • Whoops! Wrong Chris Jones clip
  • That’s more like it.
  • Not ideal
  • There’s something really funny to me about making your injury update graphic really loud and vibrant
  • Chiefs winning against the best defense in the league when Mahomes has zero TD passes and two picks should make 14 of the other 15 AFC teams very nervous. The other team will beat them next Sunday night.
  • Mason Crosby out here putting on for everyone that’s ever had one of the worst days in the history of their chosen profession. Five missed kicks! And they kept throwing him out there!
  • How about your boy Chris Bahr? Talk about job security.
  • Equanimeous St. Brown supposedly had three catches for 89 yards for the Packers. I say supposedly because I refuse to believe this is a real person.
  • Definition of a “Retire Bitch” stiffarm
  • This game was kind of boring but I’m glad the Packers lost because every Packers loss gets Aaron Rodgers increasingly angry with Mike McCarthy who then has to bend over backwards to appease him.
  • Alright, as exciting as it is that the Browns won a game on a Sunday, forgive me if I don’t dwell on a 12-9 overtime game for too long.
  • Still, this was the only way the Browns streak could end:
  • Browns Color Rush jerseys are truly elite.
  • Anyone who can explain this Titans season to me please step forward. No one?
  • Listen, I’ve obviously been skeptical of Josh Allen since day one and am on the record saying I think he’s gonna stink. But I didn’t think it’d be so boring. Aside from some electric runs there’s been nothing. The bad has just been bad, not funny or anything. It’s a real bummer.
  • My favorite part of Twitter is when the official accounts of the worst teams in the league tries to dunk on everyone who picked them to lose as if there was any reason to expect them to win another game any time within the next three seasons.
  • The Bills might be the worst 2-3 team of all time and the Titans might be the worst 3-2 team of all time and you could tell me any number of combined wins they’ll finish with and I’d believe it.
  • If I didn’t get an involuntary erection every time the Chargers went Powder Blue I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you Raiders-Chargers even happened.
  • Phil Rivers has never posed for a picture in his life
  • I don’t think Austin Ekeler has ever touched the ball and not scored a TD
  • Derek Carr with the worst pick these eyes have ever seen
  • Marshawn was predictably upset he didn’t get the ball at the one. I hope the Raiders give him the ball the next 50 times they’re in the red zone and I hope he never scores just to put this stupid trope to bed.
  • Despite only getting 220 yards of offense, the team from Arizona scored 28 points. In response to this, I have decided to un-censor one letter of their name. They are now the Ca******s. Congratulations.
  • Considering Dunkin gets worse the farther away from New England you get, I have to imagine no one in Arizona even wanted this to happen
  • Enough Arizona talk. Feel like I need a shower.
  • You know how I know the Rams are good? In one of their ugly, grind it out, war of attrition games everyone goes through they still scored 33 points.
  • Imagine hanging out with these two?
  • You’d smell like sausage for a week afterwards. Not that that’s a bad thing.
  • Somewhat lost in the Mahomes hype is the fact that Jared Goff leads the league in passing yards and passer rating and is second in completion percentage. If he had a better last name we’d realize he’s probably going to win MVP.
  • I know they’re getting a full redesign next year, but the Rams being stuck with these boring blue and white jerseys is a real bummer. This is the high-flying team from Hollywood! They can’t be looking drab! As usual, NFL uniform rule nuance is to blame. You can only wear throwbacks twice a year for some unknown reason. Really doing God’s work, Roger.
  • Marcus Peters might stink
  • Gotta fake an injury or something, dude.
  • So are the Eagles bad now? They shouldn’t be bad but they might be bad. Time for a quarterback change?
  • I think the Vikings are back but I’m not ready to commit either way yet.
  • Adam Thielen: gritty
  • Sneaky athletic
  • Coach’s son
  • So the thing that got me all fired up in this game was when the Eagles went for 2 when they scored a touchdown to narrow the deficit to 20-12. Yes, they converted, but why? What’s the point? Doug Pederson is clearly addicted to being called the most aggressive coach. I get it. It can be a rush to have people talk about you in such glowing terms. But use your brain, man. You don’t have to go for it in every single situation ever. You can still be considered aggressive if you punt on 4th & 12.
  • GIVE ME MORE DEFENSIVE TACKLE TOUCHDOWNS
  • Did you know they liked football in Texas? I didn’t until last night’s broadcast informed me a hundred times.
  • ATTN: All executives that still think putting the Cowboys on National TV is good-
  • This game was the ultimate “fake drama Cowboys primetime game” that gets everyone thinking the Cowboys play entertaining games. Just because a game has a close finish doesn’t make it good. That game was awful.
  • When you know you produce the best NFL content on Earth but you had to watch Cowboys-Texans go to overtime to do itnspb7vnzqijibyg7ebnn