It’s Time to End the Stigma Against Shorts

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It’s summer. One could even say it’s the Dog Days of Summer. That means it’s hot. Real hot. Sweltering, in fact. Just the thought of leaving the comfort of my home and facing the unbearable city streets makes me want to puke. I’m already sweating. I’m sure glad I can wear shorts to make it all a little easier to deal with. Wait, what’s that? “Grown men can’t wear shorts?” Oh, right. I forgot.

What a load of horseshit. I’m not a big genocide guy, but if you sincerely believe men should not be allowed to wear shorts I hope you die. Painfully. It’s so stupid that we still have a stigma against comfort in the year 2018. If you Google “men shorts” you’ll get countless thinkpieces with titles like “Why Some Men Won’t Wear Shorts,” or “Is It Okay for Men to Wear Shorts?” or “Why the 50s Were Great for Absolutely Everyone in America, All Because Men Wore PANTS LIKE MEN!!!!” and I’m sick of it. Like, who cares???????? I’m legitimately asking because I want to know the type of person who gets triggered by seeing *gasp* a man’s calves. Imagine body shaming someone in 2018? And body shaming calves, in general? Talk about an inoffensive body part. You’re going to get bent out of shape because you saw some dude’s calves when it’s 98° with 80% humidity? Please tell me more. Not to be this guy, but women can wear whatever they want, whenever they want. Let’s bring men’s fashion standards into the 21st century, please.

If your gripe with shorts is that pants look better, I won’t really fight you on that. I run very hot and need shorts to survive, but I’m willing to concede the wrong pair of shorts with the wrong outfit can look rough. But if it’s some philosophical thing? You can go to hell. “It makes you look like a little kid!” So? You know who enjoys their lives more than 99.99999% of adults? Little kids. Maybe emulating them isn’t the worst thing ever? Just throwing it out there. “It isn’t professional.” This really triggers me. Doesn’t look professional according to who, exactly? The tastemakers who set men’s fashion trends 200 years ago that, for some reason, have never been updated? Really applicable today. People think suits look professional because society has told them suits look professional. Suits aren’t inherently better for business, or anything. Really, they’re quite impractical. It shouldn’t take more than a minute to put clothes on, and jackets in this heat have to take 20 years off your life. If some aristocrat in Edwardian England said shorts are the best thing to wear to your noon HR meeting, guess what you’d be wearing to work everyday? Shorts! I don’t understand why more people don’t realize how fake and arbitrary the majority of our societal norms really are (as a side note, and I realize I’m probably outing myself as a non-successful poor person, but who cares about looking professional. Like, do you really think you’re so important that you have to wear a suit and tie 100% of the time or else someone might think you don’t mean business? Make your own reputation, don’t let your clothes make it for you. Whoa, just got pretty deep, there). Why can’t you wear shorts in the club (talk about taking yourself too seriously)? Why can’t you wear shorts to work? Why can’t you wear shorts to GO GOLFING?!?!?!? I’m so tired of it. It’s 2018, wear what you want (as long as it’s not a knit hat).

Listen, I know people that never wear shorts. Jean/pants in summer guys. And I just can’t wrap my mind around it. Why would you willingly make yourself more uncomfortable? Are you that self-conscious about your legs (I hate the anti-men’s legs crowd. They’re just legs, bro. Everyone’s got ’em)? In that case I’d say grow up and that no one cares about your legs. Or are you afraid of what society will think of you because of the stigma currently surrounding shorts? Because then I blame all of you people. So intent on keeping all the men of the world down that you make them think having sweaty-ass legs is the manly thing to do. SMH. It’s time to end the discrimination. #FreetheCalf2018. Spread the word. Big changes start with the smallest thoughts.

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So You Got Hooked on Soccer and Need a Premier League Team…

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Welcome, friends, to the 2018-19 English Premier League season. If you’re thinking last season just ended, it did– soccer offseasons last about three weeks, particularly in World Cup years. Oh, yeah, the World Cup happened this year, didn’t it? I bet you watched it, didn’t you? Yes, you, the one reading this right now. You got so hooked on futbol that you’re looking to latch on to a Premier League team, aren’t you? After all, not only is the Premier League the richest and deepest league in the world, it’s also the most easily consumable for American audiences. Thus, following the Premier League is fun. Waking up Saturdays and Sundays and having sports before the sports you already watched is a true joy. I’m glad you’re on board. No offense to all those other rinky-dink leagues like the Bundesliga or La Liga or Serie A or Ligue 1, but you’ll find no Messi or Ronaldo talk in this space. This is all about helping you, the neophyte, find your new club to support every time they take the pitch (learn the lingo, plz. That’s step one). This is an important decision in a person’s life, and one that shouldn’t be made willy-nilly. Watch a few games. Find out which players or playing styles you like or dislike. Look inside yourself and determine how much you care about other people’s opinions and how much you hate yourself (spoiler alert: I rank highly on both scales). And, most importantly, read this guide again and again. These are all the reasons you should root (or not root) for all twenty Premier League teams. Choose wisely.

180px-arsenal_fc-svgArsenal– 2017/18 finish: 6th

Why Pick Arsenal? Do you like theoretical greatness? Do you like teams that play aesthetically pleasing, attacking styles that always seem to fall apart at the worst times? Do you prefer your players small and injury prone? Do you like funny fan reaction videos? Then Arsenal is the team for you! Arsenal can be low-hanging fruit in recent years, but this is still a stacked roster and there’s only so bad they can be. There’s also no telling how good they can be if everyone has their heads on straight (far from a guarantee).

Best Player: Kind of a hard choice on this team but I’ll say Mesut Özil, who is mercurial as they come, or so the press would have you believe. He’s also one of the most talented playmakers in the world and can make passes few players can. Even with all the attacking talent on this team, Arsenal goes as he goes.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you wanted to pick a Big Six team but wanted to do it ironically. Also, you’ll be called a bandwagon jumper if you don’t have at least fifteen “Wenger out” tweets in your history.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? A lot. Arsenal is in the unenviable position of facing huge expectations every year despite a lack of recent results. Call it Cowboys Syndrome. It’s a no-win situation barring a league title, and, spoiler alert, they’re not winning the league this year.

How Good Will They Be? If everyone was just sick of erstwhile manager Arsène Wenger and his old school approach and will play harder and be more focused now, they’ve got the quality to land a Champions League spot. But what if Wenger was the only stabilizing force keeping the whole thing from falling completely apart?

170px-afc_bournemouth_28201329-svgBournemouth– 2017/18 finish: 12th

Why Pick Bournemouth? If cherry is your favorite flavor, have I got some news for you! Also always wind up playing a bunch of randomly exciting games and usually give the big boys a hard time.

Best Player: Don’t necessarily have one guy so let’s say Simon Francis since he’s the captain and their most important defender.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you picked the most random team you could find.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Not much. Bournemouth has settled nicely into a nice mid-table niche, free from any and all pressure. As long as you’re okay with not winning.

How Good Will They Be? Probably exactly the same as last year.

200px-brighton_26_hove_albion_logo-svgBrighton & Hove Albion– 2017/18 finish: 15th

Why Brighton? Because Lewis Dunk tied the record for most own goals in a season, which is a perfect metaphor for willingly choosing a team like Brighton.

Best Player: Lewis Dunk for the aforementioned record.

What Will Other People Think of You? That irony is a large part of your personality.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? As much as someone who supports the whimsically named Seagulls can.

How Good Will They Be? Not particularly.

180px-burnley_f-c-_logo-svg Burnley– 2017/18 finish: 7th

Why Pick Burnley? You know how every year there’s an NFL team that uses a weak schedule to build a falsely-impressive record, and then everyone picks them the next year as a dark-horse contender, only now they have a tougher schedule and the weight of expectations so they struggle? This is Burnley.

Best Player: James Tarkowski. Picking a defender as a team’s best player isn’t quite as abstract as saying an offensive lineman is an NFL team’s best player, but still, I dare you to tell me Tarkowski isn’t good. What do you know about good defending? You’re just a n00b. Probably think it’s called soccer, or something.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you’re preposterously self-conscious. You clearly wanted a winner but didn’t want the stigma of picking a Big Six team. It’s okay to admit you like watching the best teams, man. Just pick United.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Probably a lot. Jumping on board in the post-surprise season is always risky, especially now that they have to play Europa League games, too.

How Good Will They Be? Won’t get relegated or anything, but to expect another top-7 performance is lunacy.

200px-cardiff_city_crest-svgCardiff City– 2017/18 finish: 2nd (in Championship)

Why Pick Cardiff City? Why indeed.

Best Player: I could literally say any name here and you’d believe me. I could make up a name and you wouldn’t know. If I said Cardiff City’s best player was Junior Hoilett, you’d just accept it as fact.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you were literally born and raised in Cardiff.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Clearly not much if you can afford to invest so little in sports that you’re picking Cardiff City as your EPL team.

How Good Will They Be? Next year we’ll look back in surprise and ask “Cardiff City was in the Premier League?!?”

200px-chelsea_fc-svgChelsea– 2017/18 finish: 5th

Why Pick Chelsea? You love emotional roller coasters, you love seeing young players succeed on other teams after you give up on them, you like shady Russian businessmen, you think defense wins championships and stats are for losers, blue is your favorite color, you’re only happy when the players on your team are unhappy and in open rebellion against the coach.

Best Player: N’Golo Kanté. Imagine Lionel Messi, but instead of scoring goals he took the ball from the other team.

Other Best Player: 

What Will Other People Think of You? That you think you’re smarter than everyone because you picked the least aesthetically pleasing Big Six team, or that you think you’re smarter than everyone because you watched Napoli when they were flying high (their new manager comes from Napoli, where they scored at will), when in reality you just remember Didier Drogba was good in FIFA.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Even with all the drama, they’ve still won two of the last four titles, so clearly not that much.

How Good Will They Be? Legit don’t know where the scoring comes from if/when Eden Hazard leaves, so a spot in the Champions League might be in jeopardy this year.

Crystal Palace– 2017/18 finish: 11th

Why Pick Crystal Palace? Because you consider http://www.briansden69.com your favorite website! Join me in supporting Crystal Palace if you dare (just kidding, don’t. I like it better when I’m the only one that likes something). Why did I pick Palace? Because when I got back into soccer I needed a team, and I thought Crystal Palace was the coolest team name I’d ever heard. Since all my American teams were among the best teams in their respective leagues (and still are), I knew I couldn’t pick a Big Six team, lest I be accused of front-running, a deep fear of mine. As such, I committed to Crystal Palace. As an added bonus, they’re in London and have a good amount of money, so they won’t ever really be that bad!

Best Player: Wilfred Zaha. Walmart Neymar is the end-all, be-all for the Palace attack. If he gets hurt/regresses in any way, they’re gonna have some ugly, ugly games.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you’re smart, funny, handsome, strong, have good taste, is really fun to be around, have a ton of friends, have a ton of confidence, have a rich and fulfilling personal life, definitely aren’t kind of a loser who plays too many video games and feels like they’ve wasted large portions of their life, and that you kind of picked a team at random.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? A lot. Think of Crystal Palace as an NBA team that’s always the 7th seed. They should be better than the teams that are treading water and staying in the league, aren’t even in the same zip code as the Big Six, and have no real way to get better. But we have the GOAT studio host Rebecca Lowe, though.

How Good Will They Be? Anything above 9th is a great season, so expect a nice 12th place finish.

220px-everton_fc_logo-svgEverton– 2017/18 finish: 8th

Why Pick Everton? You’re addicted to rooting for teams who are on the verge of taking “the leap” every year but never really do.

Best Player: They’d better hope it’s new addition Richarlison because they spent a lotttttttt of money on him. They spent a lot of money, in general, actually.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you have a closet full of Landon Donovan and Tim Howard jerseys.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? You are a danger to yourself. Everton has disappointed on expectations roughly 1,000,000,000 seasons in a row and is usually depressing when they do it. Last season was particularly bleak, so much so that I was stunned they still finished 8th. Don’t bother learning the names of the managers, they tend not to last long. They’re also sponsored by Umbro, which is a bad sign.

How Good Will They Be? They’re likely to be the best non-Big Six team, and made a few legitimately interesting moves during the summer. A Europa League spot should be attainable, barring a typical Everton malaise.

150px-fulham_fc_28shield29-svgFulham-2017/18 finish: 3rd (in Championship)

Why Pick Fulham? You’re a big Jags fan, you remember Clint Dempsey (USA had a soccer team, once), you want to root in a team from a posh area, you like boring jerseys.

Best Player: Young winger Ryan Sessegnon. He’s the apple of many huge teams’ eye, but he’s still in West London (for now).

What Will Other People Think of You? That you’re either a Jags fan or remember Clint Dempsey.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Choosing a newly promoted team likely to stay up shows a healthy level of self-love, because it shows you’re easy to please and don’t care too much.

How Good Will They Be? Okay.

150px-huddersfield_town_a-f-c-_logo-svgHuddersfield Town– 2017/18 finish: 16th

Why Pick Huddersfield? I honestly don’t know why you would.

Best Player: Aaron Mooy, who answers the age old question, “what if Jonjo Shelvey wasn’t raised by meth dealers?” (soccer guys will get that)

What Will Other People Think of You? That you only brought up the fact that you like Huddersfield to trigger a “oh, I’m sorry,” response.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Willingly attaching yourself to a dead-team walking is an interesting strategy, to be sure. I guess you just want to feel any emotion at all, even if it’s the stinging loss of a relegation season.

How Will They Be? How do I put this? Umm, well son, Huddersfield isn’t dead, they just went to live in a farm upstate with the rest of his family.

220px-leicester_city_crest-svgLeicester City– 2017/18 finish: 9th

Why Pick Leicester? I’ll be honest, I couldn’t pick Leicester. I don’t have nearly enough self-confidence to constantly deal with accusations of frontrunning. It’s been three years, now, but the high of the most unexpected title in sports history is still there. It completely defines the team, as it should. Actual Leicester fans are good for life, now. Literally nothing can take away the fact that they, a random, non-Big Six team, won a title in a sport designed to keep the little guys down. Jumping on now just seems counter-intuitive. They also might not be very good this year.

Best Player: Jamie Vardy. Dominated in their title season and was quietly fourth in the league in goals last year, guy just knows how to score goals and start bar fights.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you still listen to “Took a Pill in Ibiza.”

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? I don’t know. Probably not that much if you’re so comfortable with your own ignorance that you don’t understand that they will never ever ever ever ever ever have a season like 15/16 again.

How Good Will They Be? They won’t get relegated, or anything, but they keep losing players, including Riyad Mahrez, their former best player. This season won’t be anything to write home about.

170px-liverpool_fc-svgLiverpool– 2017/18 finish: 4th

Why Pick Liverpool? They’d be the team I’d pick, were I not already committed to #PalaceLife. They’re exciting, have a distinct playing style (Jurgen Klopp is one of the Managers You Need to Know), have one of the best players in the world, have a fun song, and have a ton of history. They’re also owned by the same people that own the Red Sox, if that changes your opinion (I despite Tom Werner and John Henry with a passion, and always will no matter how many World Series the Sox win under them).

Best Player: Mo Salah, who just set the record for goals scored in a 38-game Premier League season. He’s good.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you like Big 12 football, that you’re trying to get on the train early, that you might be a hooligan in training, that you’re probably easily triggered online, that you like to say “27 ringzzz,” that you think Steven Gerrard was better than Xavi.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Not much, because Liverpool is probably the most entertaining team in the Premiership and could make a title run this season.

How Good Will They Be? Could suffer a post-hype decline, but in a world where Manchester City didn’t exist, they might be title favorites.

200px-manchester_city_fc_badge-svgManchester City– 2017/18 finish: 1st

Why Pick City? They just had the best season ever, so that could be a deciding factor. They’ve turned the art of goalscoring into a coldly efficient science that could, if viewed through a cynical lens, sap the joy out of the game.

Best Player: Kevin De Bruyne, who is rapidly rising the All-Time Ginger Athletes list. Another exceptional season could see him challenge Brian Scalabrine.

What Will Other People Think of You? Whoo, boy. Picking United is one thing. Picking City means you will get literally no respect from anyone. It might be the worst team you can pick from an intelligentsia point of view. They’re the definition of nouveau-riche, have no history (no good history, at least), and are the perfect bandwagon team. If you can’t prove you were there when they weren’t even in the top flight, don’t bother.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? I envy your self-confidence. A new money team coming off the best season in league history that spends more money than any non-Manchester team in Europe? Couldn’t be me picking them, that’s for sure.

How Good Will They Be? They’ll win the title.

220px-manchester_united_fc_crest-svgManchester United– 2017/18 finish: 2nd

Why Pick United? Alright, I know that even you know Manchester United. It’s the most popular team in the world, and for good reason. Just not lately. Because Jose Mourinho (another Manager You Need to Know) sucks the life out of teams then blames everyone else when things don’t go his way. But, hey, they still finished 2nd last year. Also probably the coolest roster top-to-bottom.

Best Player: Paul Pogba, who you surely remember from the World Cup. He was on France! And they won! He’s one of the most talented players in the world, and, when given literally any freedom at all, can totally dominate games. The only problem is Jose never gives him freedom and randomly benches him. Such is life.

What Will People Think of You? That you’re probably also a Yankees-Cowboys-Lakers fan.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? It’s not so much how much you hate yourself, it’s how much everyone else hates you. When you, Manchester United fan, complain about not winning a title in five years next to Huddersfield Town guy you look pretty bad.

How Good Will They Be? They’ll finish 2nd or 3rd.

200px-newcastle_united_logo-svgNewcastle United– 2017/18 finish: 10th

Why Pick Newcastle? If you love owners who inject themselves into every story, both because of their stubbornness in doing things Their Way and their general ineptitude, have I got a team for you! If you pick Newcastle, you’d better learn everything there is to know about Mike Ashley, because you are going to hate him.

Best Player: Jonjo Shelvey, who answers the age old question, “what if Aaron Mooy was raised by meth dealers?”

What Will Other People Think of You? Probably just that you like Newcastle beer.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? You are crying for help. No team is a bigger roller coaster than Newcastle, and Ashley will never let it not be so.

How Good Will They Be? Pretty decent, if I had to guess.

180px-fc_southampton-svgSouthampton– 2017/18 finish: 17th

Why Pick Southampton? Don’t. They had a great run earlier this decade by virtue of one of the best youth programs in England. That program has dried up and all the good players they produced are gone. They’re not long for this world.

Best Player: I guess James Ward-Prowse because he’s good at free kicks and free kicks are cool.

What Will Other People Think of You? Probably that you’re a weirdo for picking Southampton.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Very much. Only a glutton for punishment would take a team like this at this stage in their history.

How Good Will They Be? Bad. Very, very bad.

100px-tottenham_hotspur-svgTottenham Hotspur– 2017/18 finish: 3rd

Why Pick Tottenham? Tottenham is like the Falcons: high flying, fun to watch, capable of moments of utter brilliance, one of the best all-around teams in the league, and will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever win anything. It’s just not in their DNA. No Community Shields. No Carabao Cups. No FA Cups. Certainly no European titles. And, of course, no league titles. If you want that constant tease of being the best team not to win, be my guest.

Best Player: Harry Kane. The World Cup’s Golden Boot winner was pissed he was denied a third straight Premier League Golden Boot last season. He’ll come back with a vengeance.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you drink yourself to sleep every night.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? In a weird way, not really. Much like the Cubs and Red Sox, at a certain point not winning becomes your identity and you don’t want to win the title. After all, if you lost the losing, what’s left to live for?

How Good Will They Be? For much of the season they’ll be within striking distance of the top, only to lose one or two key games that cost them a Champions League spot.

185px-watford-svgWatford– 2017/18 finish: 14th

Why Pick Watford? You like Elton John, right? Of course you do. Everyone likes Elton John. “Rocket Man,” “Tiny Dancer,” “Daniel?” Can’t beat it. Elton John likes Watford, you know. Used to own them.

Best Player: Elton John. The famous songsmith had a good season in front of goal last season, racking up 15 goals. He’s looking to build on that and is reportedly in the best shape of his life.

What Will Other People Think of You? That Saturday Night is your favorite time of the week.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? You get so mad watching your team you’ve created an alter-ego named “The Bitch.”

How Good Will They Be? I fear the Sun will go down on Watford this season.

185px-west_ham_united_fc_logo-svgWest Ham United– 2017/18 finish: 13th

Why Pick West Ham? Tertiary Harry Potter character Dean Thomas is a West Ham fan, so there’s that. No, I didn’t look that up. It’s been in my brain for like, fifteen years. I retain information well, deal with it.

Best Player: Call me crazy, but I kind of like this roster, particularly newly acquired midfielder Felipe Anderson. They badly needed a new midfield presence this year, and he should provide a bit of a creative spark.

What Will People Think of You? That you have good taste in jersey colors.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Much like Manchester United, it’s more of how much people will hate you, only this time, it’s the West Ham fans themselves. They don’t like change very much and won’t readily accept a new member to their ranks.

How Good Will They Be? Going for that upper-mid table finish, boiii.

200px-wolverhampton_wanderers-svgWolverhampton Wanderers– 2017/18 finish: 1st (in Championship)

Why Pick Wolverhampton? If you’re Portuguese, they literally acquired every non-Ronaldo Portuguese player to ever play this offseason. They’re also in the nice position of being a newly promoted team that could actually be pretty good, which means more money, which means better players, which means more money, and on and on it goes until they max out at a 6th place finish.

Best Player: I don’t know if he’s their best player or not, but Adama Traoré is awesome. Watch this highlight video:

What Will Other People Think of You? That you live in Brooklyn Seattle and love wearing knit hats 24/7.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? A lot, only because you care about seeming smart to other people so badly that you picked the up-and-coming hipster team.

How Good Will They Be? They do reek of “too much, too fast,” but they could be a good team. Competitive, at the very least. They won’t be relegated for a while.

There you have it. All twenty teams. Do you have a better idea of who you like, now? You better, because I certainly don’t feel like doing this much work again. For the first few weekends, don’t be afraid to experiment. Watch a bunch of games, figure out what you like. Inevitably come back to the Big Six because who in their right mind would pick anyone else? The only thing that matters is that you’re joining an exclusive club. A group of people who wake up early on weekends, pick up a few breakfast sandwiches, turn on the tube and watch some EPL all morning before watching football all afternoon. Maybe only I do that, but you’ll like it, I promise. The Premier League is the most popular sports league in the world for a reason, and I’m glad you’ll be there to find out why.

It is with a Heavy Heart that I Announce the New York Yankees have Passes Away

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BOSTON- At approximately 12:50 this morning, the New York Yankees, baseball’s most historic team (owner of 27 ringzzz, if you hadn’t had the pleasure of interacting with a member of the Yankees’ faithful before), were murdered in cold blood by the Boston Red Sox in front of over 37,000 witnesses. The trial is expected to be swift and efficient, as there is little doubt over the perpetrator or method. The Red Sox used a blunt object (believed to be a baseball bat) to cave the fragile skulls of the Bronx Bombers and left them to bleed out on the field. A gruesome sight, to be sure. Many fans are despondent over the loss of their team and have begged God for another chance, but the Almighty has responded, saying “those overdramatic idiots already used up their prayers on a three-week Aaron Judge DL stint, they’re not getting shit.” The Yankees leave behind superstar Aaron Judge and Joba Chamberlain 2.0 Gary Sanchez, who were spared the massacre by virtue of being on the disabled list, an odd bit of mercy displayed by the assailant. Not all is lost, however. Though the Yankees on the whole demonstrated an alarming amount of cowardice over the course of the murder, one player, Shane Robinson, had a fine final hour. According to Brian, of tiny independent website http://www.briansden69.com, Shane Robinson is now his most hated Major League Baseball player and that he “hopes that ugly-ass bald gnome has a good time trying his little heart out while rotting in hell,” and that “I thought the Little League World Series didn’t start until the end of the month.”

For their part, the culprits can now be considered serial killers, as they have murdered numerous baseball teams before turning their sights to their oldest rivals. They appear to be an unstoppable beast with an insatiable lust for blood. With the best lineup in the league and one of the best pitching staffs, they will continue to pile up victims if left unchecked. Chris Sale, Mookie Betts, and J.D. Martinez have amassed horrifying body counts and deserve to spend the rest of their lives in prison.

When reached out to for comment, Yankee manager Aaron Boone was surprised to hear of his team’s death, and “didn’t think anything was going wrong.”

Applebee’s has All You Can Eat Chicken Tenders so I Guess I’m Going to Applebee’s

They say millennials are killing Applebee’s and other casual dining chains. That we don’t go out to eat as much and our tastes are evolving. Well, Applebee’s just fired up the Bat-signal and I’m answering the call. Like a white knight riding into battle in the eleventh hour, this millennial is going to save Applebee’s.

How, you ask? Simple. In a desperate move to attract business, Applebee’s is offering all you can eat riblets and tenders for $12.99. They’re giving it away. They’re practically begging someone to come in and film a video of themselves testing the limits of the “all you can eat” policy. I’m not too proud to oblige them. So, to prove millennials still eat at Applebee’s, I’m going to Eat Good in my Neighborhood, and I’m going to eat a lot. Haven’t been to an Applebee’s since I left home (Applebee’s is a Rutland, Vermont delicacy), but next week I’m heading into Coach Taylor’s favorite dining establishment to see how many tenders I can eat (riblets are too hard to eat to truly binge). It will be captured on film, naturally. So start placing your bets before it’s too late. The early over/under has been set at 21.5, but it could change depending on the action. Get hyped, because I’m officially bringing Applebee’s Back.

The Burning Questions Mailbag, pt. 3

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Welcome back to the Burning Questions Mailbag. Everyone’s favorite recurring segment has returned with a vengeance, and this is the biggest one yet. The people didn’t disappoint and submitted more Burning Questions than ever before, and I’m more than happy to answer all some of them. Let’s dive right in.

Jerry S. asks: What’s the deal with math?

I’ll be honest, this was my question, not Jerry’s. This is what prompted me to revive the BQMB. What’s up with math? Why do all these complex equations and formulas exist? Every single one of them is an arbitrary human construct designed to solve a problem that humans created. It’s all fake. What real world application does calculus have? When’s the last time algebra helped anyone? What’s the point of any mathematical function outside of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division? Who decided what pi is and who decided it’s infinite? Sine and cosine are the fakest, most pointless things ever. Like who gives a shit what the area of an isosceles triangle is? Why do we still teach our children this crap? If you want to spend the rest of your life playing make believe with all the other mathematicians, you should have to declare yourself a math loser in like, fourth grade so everyone else doesn’t have to waste valuable education time on such a nonsensical and impractical discipline. Like the math problem from Good Will Hunting? Why does that even exist? Why are there unsolvable math problems if math itself is 100000000% man-made? Why did we create something we couldn’t solve? Just proves my point that advanced math is illegitimate and clearly something that should be kept in Neverland where it belongs.

pestooneverything asks: Why would Tory Lanez use a stage name when his real name is Daystar Peterson and what would your stage name be?

That’s a great question. As for the first part, you’d have to ask Tory Lanez himself. I tried contacting him, but he’s not returning my calls at the moment. It’s a long story. As for my stage name, I’m not quite sure. It’s have to be something catchy, and probably short. Maybe I’ll just be Brian. I don’t know, needs workshopping. One thing I know for certain, though, is that my nickname would be Mr. Mistoffelees. The nickname to the nickname is arguably more important, and I need to let people know what I’m all about. I think Mr. Mistoffelees gets the point across.

WhiteKong asks: What’s the worst city in America?

There are a lot, and I mean a LOT, of contenders for this. There’s my hometown of Rutland, Vermont. There’s good ol’ St. Louis. There’s my new home of New York City. There’s probably ten thousand terrible cities across this great country. But, in my mind, the big three of terrible American cities are Reno, Nevada, Detroit, Michigan, and Tampa, Florida. Detroit is obvious and kind of sad, but Reno and Tampa are living monuments to the most reviled sect of the American population: white trash. Nevada opened itself up to cities like Reno getting so bad by making the entire state a lawless commune. If you have the opportunity to trick people into thinking you’re just like Vegas, you’re gonna do it. It’s just when you don’t have any of the allure and panache you’re left with a hellhole of epic proportions. And Tampa is like if every stereotype you have of white people in Florida was a city.

ConfusedReader asks: Can someone focus on their career and have a family without compromising on either end?

Welcome to the Dear Abby portion of the program. Friend, I don’t know if you’ve ever read this website before, but I’m about as close to having a family or fulfilling career as I am to curing cancer, and I can assure you I’m not particularly close to curing cancer.

Out of goodwill, though, I must answer. I’d say yes, because people have been wondering this since the dawn of time and nothing about the way we structure professional lives has ever changed, so I’m guessing people figure it out? If you’re super dedicated to your work, a workaholic, or just plain old obsessed with your career, good luck finding someone that puts up with that longterm, but if you’ve got a regular 40-hour-a-week position, I don’t see why not. As long as you make it to little Jimmy’s baseball games so he doesn’t resent you for not being there, I think you can, at the very least, trick your family into thinking you care more about them than that nice promotion on the horizon.

movieman asks: I’m a little late, but I should totally get MoviePass, right?

Totally. Love MoviePass. It’s how I can afford to see all these movies and live in New York at the same time. Really, if you go like, ten times in a year it pays for itself. Wait, what’s that? MoviePass literally ran out of money and had to get a $5 million loan and is now raising prices and restricting access to blockbusters? Yiiiiiiikeessssss. R.I.P. MoviePass. It was a good run that seemed too good to be true every time I used it. Turns out it was. A free tip for every fledgling business owner out there: make sure you have a way to make money. Hard to stick around if you don’t.

Brian asks: Who was the first underwear manufacturer to account for erections?

Wonderful question, Brian. I’m not sure the answer to that, but I do know who has the most comfortable underwear. That’s right, it’s MeUndies! Right now, my readers can get 10% off their first purchase. Just go to meundies.com and enter the promo code: Brian.

DesperateLover asks: What’s the most polite way to ask for nudes?

“Excuse me, can I please have some nudes?”

BlacktopLebron asks: What’s your current All-White NBA Team?

Don’t know if you mean American white or Euros included, but I’m gonna include Euros just because.

Starters

G- Luka Doncic

G- Evan Fornier

F- Gordan Hayward

F- Kevin Love

C- Kristaps Porzingis

Bench

F- Dirk Nowitzki

F- Doug McDermott

G- Kyle Korver

C- Marc Gasol

C- Pau Gasol

G- Matthew Dellavedova

G- JJ Redick

We’re scoring a lot of points, buttttttt defense might be a bit of an issue.

X asks: Now that Dad Hats are back, what will be the next cool hat?

Cycling hats. Trust me, these things are gonna be huge.

AngryPerson asks: Why did you love Mamma Mia 2 so much? I hated it and loved the first one.

Well, you have my condolences. Being born with no taste must have been very hard for you. Mamma Mia 2 is better because it takes the best part about the first one (the music) and puts it front and center. Mamma Mia tried to have a real storyline, when, in reality, this is quite possibly the most far-fetched franchise plot-wise in history. Mamma Mia 2 embraces the absurdity and just gives the audience banger after banger, while Mamma Mia was caught trying to be both Les Mis and Grease, which didn’t work. 2 knows what it is, 1 didn’t. Both are still fire movies, though.

GuythatworksforXboxandisalegitimateInsiderwhothinksIhaveactualanswers asks: What’s going to be the next big technology that changes gaming? Better AI? 8K? Cloud computing?

Just going off my gut instinct, here, but the next big shift in gaming technology is going to be physical gaming. Imagine this- you have a representation of the game’s world in front of you (let’s call it a board), and a piece (or two, or three, etc.) that acts as a stand-in for the avatar, and, using things like random number generators and games of chance, you move your piece across the game board, fulfilling objectives, collecting loot, and competing against other players. I just think that’s where games are going.

Joseph asks: What’s the most annoying fan base?

I feel like I’ve touched on this before, but the five most annoying fan bases are 5. Patriots (I concede we can be very annoying and easily #triggered at times, but when the entire world makes it their mission to #trigger you, I’m sorry if I have a short fuse) 4. Star Wars (they hardcore fans that complain about everything and make me like the movies less) 3. St. Louis Cardinals (like Yankee fans but midwest) 2. Kobe (Kobe is not a top ten player of all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time) and, of course, 1. Yankees. I’m admittedly biased. But that stupid candle-light vigil for Aaron Judge (who hasn’t even Earned his Pinstripes, IMO) is why the entire country hates every single one of those mongoloid losers. There isn’t a more self-serious and self-aggrandizing group of people on the planet. Please @ me so I can tell you how stupid and detestable you all are.

DP asks: Why are you so soft on Kevin Durant?

Because everyone is so hard on him, and it makes me feel smart to go against public opinion, especially when the basis of most people’s argument is the imaginary concept of “loyalty.” Yes, it completely shattered the competitive balance of the league, but, I don’t know. I just don’t care.

FootballJunkie asks: Who’s your top ten skill position (non-QB) in the NFL?

God, just seeing the word football has me fiending something fierce. This is summer is last in my seasonal power rankings- training camp is the longest period of time ever. I just want some regular season action. Feed me Bengals-Colts on Thursday night. Anyway, top ten skill guys, non-QB.

  1. Healthy Rob Gronkowsi
  2. Antonio Brown
  3. Odell Beckham, Jr.
  4. Julio Jones
  5. Le’veon Bell
  6. A.J. Green
  7. Todd Gurley
  8. DeAndre Hopkins
  9. Travis Kelce
  10. David Johnson

Mr. Thoughtful asks: What’s a good first anniversary gift to give my girlfriend? She likes adventures and traveling but I have no money 😦

Ahh, the age old question. How to keep my significant other appeased despite the fact that I don’t have the necessary funds to shower them in lavish gifts? A true dilemma, if I’ve ever heard one. A love of adventures and traveling, you say? Hmmm. I think I know just the thing! How about a trip to lovely Reno, Nevada! It’s all some of the glitz and glamor of Las Vegas at half the price! It’s an adventure because you won’t know if you’ll get sick from the used needles on the side of the road or the extreme second-hand smoke inhalation, and it’s traveling because I’m assuming you’re a real person and don’t live in Nevada. It’s a win-win! Or, you could make a bunch of artistic renderings of the two of you in all the places you’d like to go and hide them throughout the house. She might appreciate the effort.

BlacktopGriffey asks: Who’s your top ten current MLB players?

A lot of lists this time, but I’m always game to give definitive player rankings that no one can possibly dispute. I’ll do top ten position players and top ten pitchers.

Position Players

  1. Mike Trout
  2. Mookie Betts
  3. Jose Ramirez
  4. Nolan Arenado
  5. J.D. Martinez
  6. Francisco Lindor
  7. Manny Machado
  8. Jose Altuve
  9. Aaron Judge
  10. Joey Votto

Pitchers

  1. Chris Sale
  2. Max Scherzer
  3. Clayton Kershaw
  4. Jacob deGrom
  5. Justin Verlander
  6. Aaron Nola
  7. Gerrit Cole
  8. Corey Kluber
  9. Luis Severino
  10. Zack Greinke

Briansden69 asks: Remember when you went to the Denver Airport and became indoctrinated by the Illuminati? Whatever happe-

Well, I think that’ll about do it for this edition of the Burning Questions Mailbag. Always good to hear from readers and ease their troubled minds. I’ll keep my brain churning to come up with some more Burning Questions as long as you all do, too. Remember, if you have a question, I have the answer.

 

It’s Back…

Legends have long spoken of an ancient ritual practiced deep in the catacombs of the world’s most powerful cities. An arcane and dangerous rite than cannot be comprehended by the uninitiated and can alter the very fabric of reality as we know it. It has long been forbidden by civilized societies for obvious reasons. But, recently, rumors have begun spreading of a new sect ready to revive the hedonistic act and once again terrorize the world. And, if these rumors are to be believed, sometime early next week they will emerge into the light and present the fruits of their pagan labors. They will present…..the Burning Questions Mailbag.

4-burning-major-gift-questions

It’s back. After over a year, it’s finally back. Why did it take so long to get part three of the Burning Questions Mailbag saga? I kind of forgot about it, if we’re being honest. But I just thought of my own Burning Question, and boy, is it a doozy. I knew then that I had failed the people. How many Burning Questions had gone unanswered and forgotten because of my laziness? I had to open up the mailbag once again. What is a Burning Question, you may ask? Well, if you’re new to the site, a Burning Question is exactly what it sounds like. A question that needs answering, ASAP. Doesn’t matter the topic, doesn’t matter how deep or complex. If it’s boring a hole in your brain, it’s a Burning Question. Yes, many Burning Questions could be misconstrued as “high thoughts” by those who lack vision, but, I assure you, at no point in the Burning Question process am I under the influence of any foreign substance. I just have a naturally inquisitive mind (my readers, on the other hand…). So, how do you submit a Burning Question? It’s easy. Just leave a comment, or send me an email (briancurran011@gmail.com), or shoot me a DM (@TheBrianCurran for Twitter or @briansden69 for Instagram), or, let’s be honest, just text me since the only people who actually care about this segment already have my number, anyway. Get those brains working.