MLB Announced It’s Hosting a Food Festival and I’ve Never Been More Excited for Anything in My Life


source–  We’ve built an all-star roster for the first MLB FoodFest, with a menu that boasts tastings from ALL 30 ballparks – from the Dodgers’ lauded Cheeto-Lote to the Mariners’ toasted grasshoppers.

On top of the eats, we’ll also be keeping your IG feed fed with a hot dog art gallery, massive popcorn pit, and more.

One weekend only, tickets are limited.

 This came across my feed the other day. A food festival showcasing signature dishes from all 30 Major League stadiums. Purely out of instinct I purchased tickets immediately. I didn’t even think twice. Don’t think I thought once, to be honest. What better way to usher in the new era of the Brian’s Den then to attend a massive cultural event in my first month in New York City? I actually don’t think this is a coincidence. MLB saw I was moving and immediately put this event together to welcome me to the city. Can’t say I blame them. So, yes, I will be there, and yes, I will try all 30 foods, and yes, there will be a video. If you want to join me get a ticket for Saturday April 22nd at 1-3 pm. I’m sure they’ll go fast now that everyone knows I’m coming.

Let’s take a look at the menu:

Some rapid fire thoughts-

  • Rockies sending a regular old cheeseburger when they have Rocky Mountain oysters is a head-scratcher.
  • Chicago dogs are the worst way to eat hot dogs don’t @ me.
  • A lot of crab here. Don’t hate it.
  • I already know the Cheeto-lote is going to be the worst thing I ever put in my mouth.
  • When I think Detroit, the first thing I think of is shawarma.
  • Things I’m looking forward to for content purposes: toasted grasshoppers, Monte Khrush Davis Cristo, Cheeto-lote, churro dog, Pig Pickin’, chicken and donut slider.
  • Things I actually want to eat: South Side Horseshoe, Brisket-acho, bacon wrapped plantain, Tri-tip nachos, Reuben Cuban sandwich, chicken waffle cone, lobster roll.
  • Calories clearly don’t count here.
  • Toasted grasshoppers is the most Seattle thing imaginable.
  • Wonder if eating everything will get me a non-roster invite to a team’s spring training next year.
  • This is going to be the greatest day of my life followed by perhaps the worst trip(s) to the bathroom in human history.

The Only Guide You’ll Need for March Madness 2018

773b17629f714a1b80f19b999bd9faa4-220px-2018_ncaa_mens_final_four_logoHere we are at the end of another college basketball season. Or the start, depending on your level of commitment. I won’t judge. Not too hard, at least. Either way, the NCAA Tournament is starting tonight. Yes, the play-in games count. What better way to warm up? Diving in to the deep end of basketball heaven on Thursday without whetting your appetite first is dangerous to your health. Without prior exposure, getting hit with the same four commercials all day can bury you. You can get used to tuning in to TruTV, even though Tournament games have been on TruTV for at least six years now, so you’re really a giant idiot if you have to ask what TruTV is in 2018 (instances like this make me wonder if I’m the weirdo for retaining information and knowing every channel I’ve ever tuned into). You can slowly expose your body to the terrible food and drinks you’ll endlessly consume over the long weekend. The First Four are a necessary step in the March Madness process, regardless of how bad the games wind up being.

Last year, I gave you a rundown of all 68 teams in the field. Everything you needed to know in one sentence. Why change anything now? Unlike the selection show executives, I see no point in messing with a winning formula. I’m here to guide you in your bracket creation. Need a refresher on who’s in the field? Forget who’s good? Stuck on a pick and need some inspiration? Look no further. With UConn sitting at home for a second straight year, my thoughts on this year’s field are unclouded by bias. It’s time to attack the bracket with a zeal unknown to mankind in pursuit of perfection. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

East Region

  1. Villanova– If Big East games weren’t stuck on FS1 I bet more people would respect Nova.
  2. Purdue– Imagine thinking Purdue was going to do anything in the tournament?
  3. Texas Tech– They’re my annual “All-In on a random team” team, which means they’re out in the first round.
  4. Wichita State– In 2018 PC culture, the fact that Wichita State is able to remain the Shockers is absolutely astounding.
  5. West Virginia– Huggins is making the Final Four this year, I can feel it in my bones.
  6. Florida– Honestly don’t think I watched one second of Florida hoops this season.
  7. Arkansas– Honestly don’t think I watched one second of Arkansas hoops this season.
  8. Virginia Tech– It’s divine March Madness law that Virginia Tech play in the 8-9 game every year.
  9. Alabama– This bracket is a little too SEC heavy for my taste.
  10. Butler– People forget Gordon Hayward almost hit that half-court shot that one time.
  11. St. Bonaventure/UCLA– Not enough colleges have brown jerseys.
  12. Murray State– I still remember being in a random Applebee’s in New York City that time they won on a buzzer beater in the first round.
  13. Marshall– If McConaughey’s there, look out.
  14. Stephen F. Austin– Hey, kind of like Stone Cold Steve Austin, right? Get it?
  15. Cal State Fullerton– How many state universities does California have, 10,000?
  16. LIU Brooklyn/Radford– There are four play-in games. Two of them are in this bracket. This annoys me.

Midwest Bracket (I don’t care if you have it in the same podunk midwest arena, for the love of God call it the North region)

  1. Kansas– Think I could suit up for Kansas and they’d still win the Big 12.
  2. Duke– *sigh* Duke’s probably winning the title this year.
  3. Michigan State– Might have two future NBA All Stars and might lose first round.
  4. Auburn– Auburn stiiiiiiiinks.
  5. Clemson– Trying to figure out the reasoning behind Clemson and Kentucky being the same seed.
  6. TCU– Such a nondescript team.
  7. Rhode Island– Everyone saying Dan Hurley is the next UConn head coach so I’m rooting for whatever result will prevent that from happening.
  8. Seton Hall– Love me some pirate mascots and also Sam Dalembert.
  9. N.C. State– They won the title in ’83, so you know they’ve got the mental makeup to go deep.
  10. Oklahoma– Quite possibly the most fixed selection of all time.
  11. Arizona State/Syracuse– I already know Syracuse will somehow win a couple games purely because they have absolutely no business being in the field whatsoever.
  12. New Mexico State– A popular upset pick, which means they’ll lose by 25.
  13. Charleston– I’m just gonna come out and say it- there’s too much maroon in the bottom of this bracket.
  14. Bucknell– Bison are one of the great American animals, they need more mascot representation.
  15. Iona– I don’t know why, but I always picture Iona’s campus as a big cathedral but they worship Satan instead of God.
  16. Penn– I’m just glad Harvard didn’t make it.

South Region

  1. Virginia– So, so, so boring, but also good.
  2. Cincinnati– If you win the American Conference tournament but no one watches, did it really happen?
  3. Tennessee– I can’t be the only one surprised that they were randomly good this year.
  4. Arizona– Haven’t seen anything this under-seeded since the first time I tried playing Farming Simulator. Bada-bing!
  5. Kentucky– “I know I only recruit highly touted one-and-done guys so we’re young by design, but you can’t blame me, we’re a young team!”- John Calipari after they lose.
  6. Miami– If The Rock has eligibility left, they might make a run.
  7. Nevada– As Greg Gumbel would say, you gotta watch out for all the Wolfpacks out there.
  8. Creighton– Just assume they have a white senior with 2,000 career points.
  9. Kansas State– Starting to feel like I didn’t watch enough college basketball this year because I have literally no opinion on so many teams.
  10. Texas– If they make a run, is Texas Officially Back?
  11. Loyola-Chicago– My sources tell me they play stifling D, which is the first step towards a Cinderella run.
  12. Davidson– Wish college Steph was still around.
  13. Buffalo– Western New York needs something good to happen, just once.
  14. Wright State– Hey, uhh, more like Wrong State, amirite?
  15. Georgia State– Ludacris went to Georgia State.
  16. UMBC– I’m salty they beat UVM, but they also have a fellow Curran on the roster, so I think I’m on-board.

West Region

  1. Xavier– The least-confident one seed in recent memory, which means they’ll win the title.
  2. North Carolina– Kind of forgot they won last year.
  3. Michigan– B1G playing in NYC a week early is the worst thing to ever happen to college basketball.
  4. Gonzaga– The Official Brian’s Den 2018 Champion Pick.
  5. Ohio State– It’d be funny if they played Michigan in the Elite 8. Because they’re rivals, you see.
  6. Houston– Is Houston Street (the New York street, not the closer) being pronounced differently than the city of Houston the most needlessly New York thing of all time?
  7. Texas A&M– Ampersands need to make a comeback.
  8. Missouri– If Mike Porter, Jr. is really all that, Xavier’s getting screwed 2nd round.
  9. Florida State– Always underwhelming in the tournament.
  10. Providence– SMH, the FBI’s investigating the NCAA and aren’t indicting the headquarters of the- BRIAN’S LAWYER HAS ADVISED HIS CLIENT TO REFRAIN FROM MAKING ANY INFLAMMATORY REMARKS FOR HIS OWN SAFETY.
  11. San Diego State– Is San Diego State guilty of appropriating Aztec culture?
  12. South Dakota State– I, for one, am tired of the stranglehold the Dakotas have over American athletics.
  13. UNC-Greensboro– They’ve got a pretty cool logo.
  14. Montana– Have to imagine Montana is a fertile basketball recruiting ground.
  15. Lipscomb– Apparently Lipscomb is in Nashville? Who knew?
  16. NC Central/Texas Southern– Calling it right now- Texas Southern’s making the Final Four.

Are Salacious Combine Questions Just a Way to Weed Out Snitches?


source– Former LSU running back Derrius Guice said in an interview Wednesday that one NFL team asked about his sexuality and another inquired if his mother was a prostitute at the NFL Scouting Combine that concluded earlier this week. 

‘’It was pretty crazy,” Guice said in an interview on the SiriusXM NFL show Late Hits. “Some people are really trying to get in your head and test your reaction. … I go in one room, and a team will ask me do I like men, just to see my reaction. I go in another room, they’ll try to bring up one of my family members or something and tell me, ‘Hey, I heard your mom sells herself. How do you feel about that?’ “

So this is the big story in the NFL right now. Happens every year. Some prospect gets asked an outlandish, very inappropriate question by an anonymous scout. This time, it’s LSU running back Derrius Guice being asked if he’s gay and if his mom’s a prostitute. In years past, there was Dez being asked if his mom was a hooker, various people being asked when they lost their virginity, what type of underwear they prefer, whether they’d want to play for the Browns, and other intrusive, personal questions no one should have to answer in a job interview. These questions are so uncalled for, in fact, that it makes me think that the coaches and scouts have agreed to ask these questions as a way to find who’s more likely to run to the press whenever something goes wrong.

Think about it: do you want Dez Bryant or Derrius Guice on your team? I don’t. He’s got distraction written all over him. What happens in the locker room/combine interview room stays in the locker room, man. I guarantee whatever team drafts him is gonna have some “anonymous player” leak issues. If he runs to the media every time someone insinuates his mom is a prostitute, what’s gonna happen when he gets called out in a players’ only meeting? A piece in the Players’ Tribune? No thanks. I’ll take the guy who internalizes the weird questions and swallows his feelings like a real man. Think it’s a coincidence scouts didn’t ask Jason Witten if he thinks his mother is attractive?

Listen, the NFL is a brotherhood. We all know this. Everyone gone through this process: you work out in your underwear while older men eye you up and down, then you get asked weird questions to see if you’re mentally tough enough to keep your mouth shut. It’s not that hard. Guice is a talented player, but why should anyone draft someone so fragile? What do you think Mike Singletary would think about players who leak their combine questions?

Enough said. Respect the combine process, dammit.

I’m Moving to New York City


Folks, it’s official: the Brian’s Den is on the move. The new permanent location (until I run out of money)? New York, New York. The City that Never Sleeps. The Big Apple. Everyone who’s anyone lives in either New York or Los Angeles, and I can’t afford to move across the country, so here we are. The Brian’s Den is about to be in the media hub of the world, which can only lead to one thing: global takeover.

So why now? Well, my lease is up April 1st. After living in Vermont and Connecticut for the first 26 years of my life, I’ve had my fill of quiet, sleepy towns and I’m ready for a change. It’s probably not too hard to figure out if you read my posts, but I don’t live a particularly “happy” or “fulfilled” life. Will moving to New York help me change that? Yes and no. Yes because there are so many more opportunities to spread my wings and actually do something I want to do for a living, no because New York is a terrible place to live. But I’ll take the good with the bad, for now.

What do I actually plan to do? I’m glad you asked. Not many people know this, but I had a whole scheme planned out in college. I would write a book, the book would become a best seller, I’d write the movie adaptation, convince the studio to let an untrained nobody to star in said movie, and I’d become a star. I actually believed this would happen. So I wrote the book, only it never got published. Dream shattered. Next thing I know, it’s four years later and I’m a miserable slacker who’s got nothing to point at and say, “yeah, that’s something I accomplished.” So, when my roommates and I decided not to renew our lease, I decided I was through wallowing in self pity. Writing and story telling are literally my only skills in life, so I got to work on a script. Then another script. Then another. After four years of being away from the creative writing process I had forgotten that, even though it sucks thinking of stuff and actually typing it all out and having writer’s block and getting up the nerve to ask people to read it, I actually enjoyed it. I realized doing it for a living would be the only way I would ever be happy. So I’m gonna go for it. I’ve put most of my time into a show I’d like to get made. Will it happen? Probably not. But I’m counting on the fact that the strength of that script and some other ones in my portfolio will be enough to get me a job on some established show, or some production company, or literally any job at all. It also might blow up in my face and I’ll end up panhandling on the street within two months. But, much like Papa Roach, at least I could say I tried. Plus, being in New York would give me tons of good #content, and, hopefully, give me some chances to start make videos again.

Listen, I’m 26. That’s ancient to be breaking into the entertainment industry. I look younger than I really am so I can lie about my age, but the fact remains that time was running out for me to even think about trying this. I’ve lived with various regrets all my life, and I don’t think I can last another 50 years with the thought that I wasted my true calling because I was too lazy to do anything about it hanging over me. Is it a risk? Sure. But it’s a calculated one. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think I could be successful. I mean, I see some of the crap the put on TV these days like Young Sheldon, or a Roseanne remake no one wanted, or the new CBS show about a magician solving crimes and I know for a fact I can do better than that. It’s just a matter of getting lucky at the right time. Is the acting itch still there? Of course it is. I’d like to meet the person that’s never wanted to be a movie star just so I can call them a liar. But that won’t be what I focus on. Maybe I’ll try and get an audition here and there, but I’ve been beaten down by the world the last few years. I’ve got an unhealthy amount of self awareness. I know I’ve got at least a small amount of talent but no training or experience besides when I was dicking around in college, so if two or three different people tell me I’m terrible I can walk out with my head held high because I actually put myself out there, which is more than most people can say. But, again, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think I could succeed. Will it happen instantly? I hope so but probably not. Will money be tight and life be miserable at first? Yep. But that’s a small price to pay if I can actually wake up in the morning with some kind of purpose. Besides delivering powerful takes, of course.

For anyone concerned with where I’ll live and if it’ll be a safe neighborhood, don’t worry. I’ve got that covered.

2018 Oscar Predictions


Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Brian’s Den, it’s the second annual Academy Awards Predictions! Here’s your host- Brian!

Thank you! Thank you! Wonderful to be here tonight. So many stars in the audience. I know everyone’s looking for him, so I might as well just come out and say it: you won’t see Daniel Day-Lewis in the crowd tonight. That’s because I’m actually Daniel Day-Lewis! I’ve been watching every awards show opening monologue for the last 20 years to prepare for this, and I think I’ve got it down pat. I think this is where I roast the audience, so bear with me as I scan the crowd.

Looks like Timothée Chalamet is here. Timothée Chalamet, ladies and gentlemen. That’s such a pretentious name that the first time I heard it I thought he was a character in a Terrence Malick movie! Oh! Haha, we have fun here. Oh, oh, Meryl Streep’s here! You heard that right, Meryl Streep is actually at the Oscars! It’s about time she got some recognition. Hate to see it when talented performers go entire careers without being thrust into the spotlight, so I’m thrilled to see her get her due. I think I speak for everyone here when I say we love having you here and are definitely not sick of you whatsoever. Willem Dafoe’s here! Hey, Willem, I hear you’ve got a huge dick. Boom, roasted. Christopher Nolan’s here! Dunkirk was based on a real event, and it’s ending still wasn’t as predictable as Dark Knight Rises! Is that Greta Gerwig is see? Folks, Greta here is nominated for Best Director tonight. Can you believe it? A woman getting Best Director? I haven’t heard a joke that good since I found out why the chicken crossed the road! Haha. No? Uhh, well this is awkward. Let’s just move on, then. Without further ado, the official Brian’s Den Oscar Predictions 2018!

Best Supporting Actor

Christopher Plummer, All the Money in the World

Richard Jenkins, Shape of Water

Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (Winner) Three Billboards is the annual “Oscar contender that I haven’t seen yet,” but he’s won every other award, despite being apparently problematic. In 2018, that’s all the proof I need.

Willem Dafoe, Florida Project

Woody Harrelson, Three Billboards

Best Supporting Actress

Allison Janey, I, Tonya (Winner) I’m honestly not sure why everyone just decided Allison Janey needed to win, but I’m not in the business of giving incorrect opinions.

Laurie Metcalf, Lady Bird

Lesley Manville, Phantom Thread

Mary J. Blige, Mudbound

Octavia Spencer, Shape of Water

Best Original Screenplay

Jordan Peele, Get Out

Greta Gerwig, Lady Bird

Kumail Nanjiani, Emily V. Gordon, The Big Sick

Guillermo del Toro, Vanessa Taylor, Shape of Water

Martin McDonagh, Three Billboards (Winner) Don’t know how something can win Best Picture but not win Best Screenplay. Whoops, forgot to throw a spoiler alert in there.

Best Adapted Screenplay

James Ivory, Call Me by Your Name

Scott Frank, James Mangold, Michael Green, Logan (Winner) Yeah, I’m still addicted to X-Men.

Aaron Sorkin, Molly’s Game

Dee Rees, Virgil Williams, Mudbound

Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Webber, The Disaster Artist

Best Cinematography

Blade Runner 2049 (Winner) Call me small brained, but the bright colors and effects mesmerized me.

Darkest Hour



Shape of Water

Best Costume Design

Darkest Hour

Phantom Thread

Beauty and the Beast (Winner) If I say B+B will win, Emma Watson will surely go on a date with me!

Shape of Water

Victoria & Abdul (what the hell is this movie???)

Best Sound Mixing

Baby Driver

Blade Runner 2049 (Winner) Some quality Sci-Fi sound bursts in there.


Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Shape of Water

Best Sound Editing

Baby Driver

Blade Runner 2049

Dunkirk (Winner) Why not?

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Shape of Water

Best Film Editing

Baby Driver

I, Tonya

Three Billboards

Dunkirk (Winner) I mean, I was able to follow the story, so maybe everyone else is just an uneducated philistine.

Three Billboards

Best Visual Effects

Blade Runner 2049 (Winner) Stacked category but this was the best movie so I’ll assume they’ll just get it.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Kong: Skull Island

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

War for the Planet of the Apes

Best Makeup

Victoria & Abdul


Darkest Hour (Winner) No brainer.

Best Original Song

Mystery of Love, Call Me by Your Name

Remember Me, Coco (Winner) Biggest cakewalk of all time.

Stand Up for Something, Marshall

Mighty River, Mudbound

This is Me, The Greatest Showman

Best Original Score


Phantom Thread

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Shape of Water (Winner) Don’t remember any of these scores so I just picked one.

Three Billboards

Best Animated Short

Dear Basketball

Garden Party

Lou (Winner) As long as it’s not the Kobe one.

Negative Space

Revolting Rhymes Part Ones

Best Live Action Short

DeKalb Elementary (Winner) Flip a coin between this and Watu Wote.

My Nephew Emmett

The Eleven O’Clock

The Silent Child

Watu Wote: All of Us

Best Short Documentary


Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405


Knife Skills (Winner) Talk about a sweet title.

Traffic Stop

Best Documentary Feature

Abacus: Small Enough to Jail

Faces Places (Winner) Just trying to figure out which one is about the Holocaust/ oppression in third world countries.


Last Men in Aleppo

Strong Island

Best Foreign Language Film

A Fantastic Woman


On Body and Soul

The Insult (Winner) This movie is from Lebanon. Enough said.

The Square

Best Animated Film

Coco (Winner) Sorry, Boss Baby


Loving Vincent

The Boss Baby

The Breadwinner

Best Production Design

Beauty and the Beast (Winner) If I pick it to win two awards, she’ll definitely go out with me!

Blade Runner 2049

Darkest Hour


Shape of Water

Best Actor in a Leading Role

Myself, Phantom Thread

Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out

Denzel Washington, Roman J. Israel, Esq.

Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour (Winner) Still think he got robbed for Air Force One.

Timothée Chalamet, Call Me by Your Name

Best Actress in a Leading Role

Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird

Sally Hawkins, Shape of Water

Meryl Streep, The Post

Margot Robbie, I, Tonya

Frances McDormand, Three Billboards (Winner) Please not Meryl, please not Meryl, please not Meryl, please not Meryl, please not Meryl, please not Meryl.

Best Director

Christopher Nolan, Dunkirk

Greta Gerwig, Lady Bird

Guillermo del Toro, Shape of Water (Winner) Deserves it for the sex scenes alone.

Jordan Peele, Get Out

Paul Thomas Anderson, Phantom Thread

Best Picture

Call Me by Your Name

Darkest Hour


Get Out

Lady Bird

Phantom Thread

The Post

Shape of Water

Three Billboards (Winner) It’s gonna win. Write it in stone.

I’m Way Too Into X-Men Right Now


Before I get started, I’d like to let it be known that, even though I’ve dipped my toes into some pretty nerdy waters before, this post might take the cake. But before you make fun of me and try to stuff me into a locker, remember that I’m built like a Greek God and I’m the one with the internationally popular website, not you.

I saw Black Panther last week. Saw it twice, actually (yes, that makes me more woke than you). It was awesome. Got me wicked hyped for Avengers. Like, 8-year-old-kid-when-he-realizes-Christmas-is-a-month-away hyped. And, like what usually happens whenever a new superhero movie comes out, it got me back into comic books. And when I say I get into comics, I mean I get into them.

Unlike in my youth, when I would constantly read comics and watch all the superhero TV shows I could, I take more of a binge approach these days. Usually about once a year, I’ll just get an uncontrollable urge to start reading comics again. Luckily, I’ve built a fairly robust collection over the years, so I can always read what I already, but sometimes that isn’t enough. And, being a slave to my impulses, that typically means buying a lot more. Now, I could easily go on a rant about how comics (and books in general) are waaaaayyyyyy too expensive, but that’s for another time. Besides, when you’re deep in the throes of passion in a spending spree, cost becomes nothing. There’s a comic book store within walking distance of my house (which, much like the McDonald’s within walking distance of my house, I’m proud of how few times I’ve gone), so, naturally, I paid it a visit. Bought some Wolverine, bought some X-Men, bought some Batman, it was nice (I know you’re wondering, so my take on the great Marvel vs. DC debate: Even though I’ve always loved Batman (yes, I know it’s become cool to drag Batman online, but I don’t care. I’ll be a Batman stan until the day I die) (I’m also not stupid and know anyone with powers would beat him in a fight), I just like Marvel better. Their respective cinematic universes haven’t done much to sway that opinion. #sorrynotsorry). It felt good to be back in the comics world, at least momentarily. But when I read the X-Men, something awakened in me that I somehow wasn’t expecting: my inner X-Men fanboy.

I’ve always loved X-Men. They’re the number one Marvel property, IMO. I love the comics. I loved the original cartoon. I loved X-Men Evolution and think it’s the most underrated superhero show of the early 2000s. I’m a sucker for all the movies, even though some of them are pretty bad. There’s been a ton of cartoon series since Evolution that I haven’t watched that I’m pretty sure I’d love. X-Men just speak to me. Maybe it’s because I think it’s the easiest to imagine myself in that universe: everyone is just born with their powers. Not everyone’s a brilliant scientist, not everyone’s a multi-billionaire, no special event gave them fantastic abilities. They were just born that way (yes, I’ve created multiple versions of myself with various overpowered mutant abilities. I think anyone who hasn’t is weird) (it’s easy to say that I really only want to be able to fly in a world without powers, but if mutants were real and flight was my only ability and there were people out there who could read minds and destroy the planet with a thought and create their own pocket universe I’d be seriously pissed). When I entered that universe again for the first time in at least a year, I knew I needed more. So I downloaded the Marvel app on my phone, and let me tell you, this thing’s dangerous. It’s got pretty much every issue and every collection of every Marvel story ever published available at the touch of a finger. I just kind of blacked out. When I came to, I saw I owned the entire first volume of All-New X-Men from 2013, among other things. I’ve almost finished all of it already. I can’t satiate this hunger. Every second of free time I have not spent reading X-Men comics feels like a waste (that might be the nerdiest sentence I have ever written). On Saturday night my friends went out, had a good time, and probably talked with some respectable ladies while I stayed in my room reading (I can feel your envy, but please. Jealousy is the ugliest trait). I’m trying to figure out how much more money I can actually spend before I can’t afford to live anymore. I’ve even done some research into becoming a writer for X-Men, but when I found out you had to do things like “grind,” and “pay your dues,” and “have a resume,” and a bunch of other things that said you can’t just walk into Marvel HQ and say you want a job, I gave that up. Honestly, I’m kind of scared. I don’t know when I’m going to get my life back. Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying this phase, but I’m worried this obsession is going to consume me perpetually. I’ve got things I need to do, takes I need to form. How can I give responsible sports takes if I’m too distracted to even know what’s happening? I almost missed McDonald’s dropping the Szechuan Sauce (again) because I was too distracted. The world is leaving me behind and I don’t know how to escape the X-Men. I don’t even know if I want to, honestly. If you told me I could get every X-Men issue ever made and die when I was finished reading them, I’d probably do it. When it was time for me to die it would seem like a bad idea, sure, but right now it sounds pretty appealing. Dammit, I’m addicted to X-Men, and I don’t know how to get clean (in reality, I just need to not spend a completely irresponsible amount of money for the next, like, week and I’ll move on to something else).

While we’re here, might as well do some X-Men Power Rankings:

Top Five Mutants

  1. Iceman– I don’t know why, but I just really love ice powers. He’s vastly underrated.
  2. Beast– Beast is awesome and the team would fall apart if he wasn’t there.
  3. Jean Grey– She can essentially cause Armageddon singlehandedly, so, yeah, I’ll take her on my team. I also like redheads, so sue me.
  4. Wolverine– I’d be trying too hard if I made a top five mutant list and didn’t include Wolverine.
  5. Magneto– For what it’s worth, I feel like I would kind of agree with Magneto if I were a mutant.

Top Five Powers

  1. Reality Warping– Easily the most unfair power and if you have a decent secondary power you’re pretty much God.
  2. Flying– I just want to soar with the eagles and set my spirit free.
  3. Healing– Would take the anxiety out of virtually everything, but could also lead to nihilism.
  4. Energy Projection– You’d just be a Dragon Ball Z character in real life.
  5. Any kind of physical mutation– I’d rather be blue with a weak power than be normal with a decent power. Got to be memorable.

Bottom Five Powers

  1. Telepathy– I don’t want to know my own thoughts, why would I want to know anyone else’s?
  2. Technopathy– Having your power be the ability to control machines would be so lame.
  3. Healing other people– If my power doesn’t benefit me, I don’t want it.
  4. Fire manipulation– Could get out of hand quickly.
  5. Immortality– Only a sucker would want to be immortal. Saps the meaning out of absolutely everything.

Top Five X-Men Storylines

  1. Age of Apocalypse– So much better than the movie made it out to be.
  2. Dark Phoenix Saga– There’s a reason it’s been adapted a million times.
  3. Days of Future Past– If you don’t like excessive time travel, you should probably stay away from X-Men.
  4. God Loves, Man Kills– If you aren’t on Magneto’s side here you’re probably a bad person.
  5. Messiah Complex– I read it like, two days ago so I’ll just put it here even if it doesn’t deserve it.

Ranking the Movies

  1. Logan
  2. X2
  3. Days of Future Past
  4. Deadpool
  5. First Class
  6. The Wolverine
  7. X-Men
  8. Apocalypse
  9. Last Stand
  10. X-Men Origins: Wolverine