Marvel’s Spider-Man Review

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Hard to believe I wasn’t inserted as an NPC, but there’s always the DLC.

Rating: 🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷

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Patriots Acquire Josh Gordon

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It’s really too bad the Patriots’ dynasty ended yesterday. Otherwise I’d be pretty excited about this. Oh, well.

A fifth round pick!!!! The NFL is so stupid! The Patriots will never die! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! The haters are absolutely FURIOUS right now. Pats confirmed 15-1 Super Bowl winners.

Monday Thoughts, Week 2

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Welcome to week 2 of Monday Thoughts™, the most creatively named segment on the Internet. If, for some reason, you missed last week, then this is where I’ll dump everything I found noteworthy about the Sunday that was in the NFL. It is, as they say, very unique. On to the games.

    • Bills are bad. I just want to be the first one to say it.
    • When you lose by a million but Josh Allen throws a 60-yard bomb
    • Tim Horton’s laughing all the way to the bank with this promotion
  • Why does anyone play football?
  • With this catch, Mike Williams became the 1,000th receiver named Mike Williams to catch a touchdown in the NFL. Congratulations on this monumental achievement.

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  • Need a tie every week now. It’s such a weird rush.
  • No idea how this wasn’t a pick six
  • This was the ultimate Kirk Cousins game: should have had three or four picks, made a couple of absurd throws, did just enough to put the team in position to win but couldn’t actually do it.
  • Any kicking fans should probably take this week off.
  • Seriously, if you think the kicking game adds a layer of strategy and finesse to the game you should hide your beliefs for a few weeks.
  • I warned you
  • Even though I’m #proBrowns, I laughed out loud at that extra point miss. You can’t run away from the DNA.
  • You can’t tell me the white jersey-brown pant-orange sock look isn’t flaming hot. You just can’t. Every week the Browns are proving how underused brown is as a jersey color.
  • I’m addicted to Michael Thomas catch stats. He legit might approach 200 and I love every single one.
  • Did Colts-Redskins even happen? The jury is still out.
  • ryan-fitzpatrick-conor-mcgregor
    “Yeah, I like apples. What are you gonna do about it, bitch?”
  • “BuT iT’s ThE sTeElErS’ yEaR. i’M tElLiNg YoU tHeY’vE gOt ThE sUpEr BoWl WrApPeD uP”
  • Steelers STINK. STINK STINK STINK STINK STINK. But they’ve got all those weapons, though, right?
  • As someone who watched Pat Mahomes play BEFORE he had like, 800 yards in one game at Texas Tech, I feel comfortable calling myself a leader of the #MahomesHive and could probably pass for an extended family member. You can send the check whenever, Pat! No rush!
  • People forget Pat’s dad was a Major League pitcher and Pat could have played baseball and that he can throw the ball 500 miles per hour.
  • Imagine trying to catch that. Reminds me of my time at Illinois as an All American slot receiver catching bullets from Jeff George. That was before I blew my knee out, though.
  • People thought this guy was a system qb:
    • I realize I’m overreacting and caught up in the hype, but when I get sent to the next racial draft as the White representative, I’m strongly considering Pat with our number one pick.
    • Kansas City McDonald’s update:
  • Hold on, I’m getting some breaking news. What’s that? Previous reports that the New York Jets had won the Super Bowl in week 1 were false? Can you confirm? They’re still the same old Jets? Stunning report, to say the least.
  • R.I.P. Houstonians
  • This is the greatest play in football history
  • Even though I used to have a poster of him in my room and I know he’d never hurt me I’m so intimidated by Mike Vrabel
  • Should have started Dane Cruikshank in fantasy, amirite? People still talk about fantasy, right? I base my entire self worth on my fantasy team, please give me some positive reenforcement, here.
  • The Panthers’ offense is so weird. Every play seems like it gains three yards at most and yet they finish with okay stats. That being said I kind of like Cam’s MVP odds, whatever they are. Just a gut feeling (this will NOT come back to bite me later, especially if I never address it again).
  • Falcons are still zombies after what happened to them in Super Bowl 51 (they were up 28-3 on the New England Patriots and lost, if you forgot), so I’ll always find it odd when they win important games. Good for them for finding a small reserve of mental toughness, though.
  • Why do defensive players think they need to do this?
  • If a QB starts sliding, he’s immediately down. What’s the point of launching yourself at him? This isn’t the 70’s anymore. Even before the NFL finally started kicking people out for this, it was still a 15 yard penalty. It’s just so stupid and dirty. If I was a coach, any defensive player of mine that did this is immediately CUT (literally the easiest thing to say ever).
  • Can’t believe they cancelled the Pats-Jaguars game, but that’s what happens during Hurricane season. It’s all about player safety.
  • I’m pretty sure 85% of the Broncos roster is wide receivers. They have so many random guys. They have Thomas and Sanders and three entirely new guys every game. The Broncos may single-handedly lower unemployment numbers nationwide because they let absolutely anyone take the field for them at wideout. When Courtland Sutton almost caught a TD I would have bet my life he’s been on the team for three years only to learn he was a rookie. I don’t even know why I was so confident, either. Just has one of those “Broncos receiver” names.
  • Like who the hell is Tim Patrick?
  • This may be late next week, I’ll be a little busy being the Broncos third receiver. I’ll be number 87, look for me on the field!!!
  • Raiders are gonna settle in that nice “competitive but always lose” zone this year, also known as the Hue Jackson Neighborhood.
  • Out of respect for my readers, I will not post anything from the C*******s-Rams game. Some of you may have just eaten and I don’t want to upset you.
  • Lions-49ers was a randomly fun game. That’s my take.
  • LeGarrette Blount is BACK
  • 200 yard, 3 td game coming next week.
  • If the Niners get their hands on Josh Gordon, watch out. Jimmy G might start cooking again.
  • That is applicable to every team in the league. Josh Gordon is very good. The Browns are very stupid.
  • Damn, I can’t believe Giants-Cowboys was a really boring Sunday night game. Could have never seen it coming. At all.

 

NFL Week 2 Picks

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I hope everyone’s sitting down, because I’ve got some startling news. The Bengals, the Cincinnati Bengals, mind you, just won a game against a divisional opponent who looked good the previous week….at night. More than anything that’s happened over the past however many months (Capitals winning the Cup, Eagles winning the Super Bowl, the Warriors somehow winning the title), this is the biggest sign that the end times are looming. Rejoice, for we may not have to spend much longer in these husks we call bodies on this spinning rock we’ve worked so hard to destroy. The hour of the beast is nigh, and its emissary has fiery red hair. If the Bengals win a playoff game, you should probably take that trip you’ve been wanting to, because there’ll be like a week left until Armageddon. About time, if you ask me.

Anyway, lots of crazy stuff happened in week 1, leading to the unfortunate cancelation of this NFL season. A panel of experts decided that the New York Jets had already won the Super Bowl, thus rendering the remainder of this season completely pointless. It’s sad and a little unprecedented, but it’s the NFL’s decision. Who am I to argue with such proclamations made on high? But, even though there aren’t any more games this season, I’m still going to make my picks as if the NFL was still going strong. Why? I’ve got to keep my skills sharp for next season. Who knows if the league will institute the “Week 1 Super Bowl” rule again next year, so I need to totally nail week 1. Can’t do that without practice. All lines from Bovada except the first one.

Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (-1.5 via BetOnline)

Aaron Rodgers, he of the miraculous comeback last week, theoretically might not play in this game. And, even if he does play, will surely be hobbled against what might be the best defense in the league. The Packers are favored. Please explain. This is such a reactionary line that I can’t wrap my mind around it. The Packers needed a signature performance to beat the Bears, and the Vikings are better at literally every phase of the game than the Bears. Rodgers could barely move at the end of the game. You’re telling me he’s avoiding Danielle Hunter and Sheldon Richardson and everyone else the Vikings have on one leg and what might be a shaky offensive line? Someone’s gonna have to explain to me how the Packers are favored.

Pick: Vikings

Indianapolis Colts at Washington Redskins (-5.5)

Pretty random game. Can’t really think of the last time these two teams played, but something tells me it was four years ago and I’ve chosen not to remember it. I’m all the way out on the Colts so I think the Redskins will win by default. Have a feeling that’s gonna happen a lot this year for Washington. A. Smith has that ability to inspire confidence.

Pick: Redskins

Kansas City Chiefs at Pittsburgh Steelers (-4.5)

This is easy to overthink, so I did. Chiefs looked great in week 1 as usual, but take (essentially) a rookie QB on the road to one of the toughest places to play. Steelers looked awful in week 1 but are now at home where they never lose and have something to prove. So that points to the Steelers. But then you remember that the Chiefs looked great and the Steelers looked like poop and not much could have possibly changed over the course of one week. I’ve decided to flip the Cosmic Coin of Football Knowledge and it came up Chiefs.

Pick: Chiefs

Cleveland Browns at New Orleans Saints (-9)

For the first time since 2004 the Browns aren’t 0-1. Progress, baby! As much as I want to dislike anyone so embraced by the Internet, and as much as I hate Cleveland, I’ll always have a soft spot for the Browns. I want them to be good, I really do. But if Tyrod “The Messiah” Taylor can’t complete more than 38% of his passes against a defense that was just shredded by Ryan Fitzpatrick? Baker time might be on the horizon. As for the Saints, I’ll admit I didn’t see last week coming. Their defense was pretty good last year, even though it’s hard to remember now. Until they give up 40+ to another middling opponent, I’m going to consider last week a fluke. Besides, it’s still the Browns coming off a quasi-emotional high point. It’ll take more than one tie to shake years of getting blown out by more than 10 on the road.

Pick: Saints

Philadelphia Eagles (-3.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs

Little fun fact for all of you out there- Ryan Fitzpatrick, Tampa Bay Buccaneers starting quarterback, actually went to Harvard. Just something for the ol’ trivia file. Can he repeat last week’s absurd performance against a defense that we actually know is good? Gonna go out on a limb and say no. Nick Foles starting again, not that it’s really hurt them much so far. Tampa’s D is stinky and the Eagles should be able to move the ball well enough to cover.

Pick: Eagles

Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons (-5.5)

Am I missing something here? Why the hell are the Falcons favored by so much? I realize they probably have more talent on paper, but they’ve been stuck in a serious funk for the past year plus. Wonder if something traumatic happened to them. Can’t really think of any franchise-killing losses, or anything. Must be all on the loss of Kyle Shanahan. But I feel like the Panthers never lose by more than four points to anyone, much less a divisional opponent. Panthers are just mentally tougher and I see them battering the Falcons into submission. Falcons were a hot Super Bowl pick, but I see them starting 0-2. Also, stay safe Carolina.

Pick: Panthers

Miami Dolphins at New York Jets (-3)

Wait, are the Dolphins the second best team in the league, or something? How can someone be less than a 100 point underdog against the Jets? Didn’t Vegas get the memo that the Jets are the greatest team in pro sports history? Apparently not. Jet fans have long been my mortal enemy, but now that I live in New York and they might be halfway decent? It might be a brutal fall. Every time I see Fireman Ed’s stupid face I want to jump off a bridge. Hey, Ed, remember when you quit because the Pats beat you so badly? I remember. What happened? It’s okay to come back now that the Jets have hope? Get out of here with that. Dolphins are trash but I’m picking them out of spite.

Pick: Dolphins

Houston Texans (-2.5) at Tennessee Titans

Good news for the Texans: they can’t play much worse than they did last week. Bad news for the Titans: Marcus Mariota is hurt and I’m finally willing to admit he might not be that good. Texans by a million.

Pick: Texans

Los Angeles Chargers (-7.5) at Buffalo Bills

R.I.P. Nathan Peterman. Gone, but not forgotten. I’ve come to realize that being pro-Pat Mahomes while being anti-Josh Allen is a little hypocritical, so I’m going to try and be a little nicer to the Bills’ new starting QB. The best thing the Bills have going for them is that the Chargers are a West Coast team coming east to play a 1 o’clock game. Other than that, I don’t know. Unless something changes, there might not be a number big enough for me to pick the Bills this season.

Pick: Chargers

Detroit Lions at San Francisco 49ers (-6)

49ers, I think, are going to wind up being much better than what they showed last week. They just had a rough game against a superior opponent. They’ll be fine. Lions, meanwhile? Yikes. Really bad look for my guy Matt Patricia who, somehow, may already be on his way out. I mean they quit against the Jets. Can’t have that in week 1. Maybe they’ll bounce back, but this could be another long afternoon for the boys in Honolulu blue.

Pick: 49ers

Arizona Cardinals at Los Angeles Rams (-13)

Just thinking about the Cardinals offense makes me want to puke. That’s really all I got on this. Blowout city.

Pick: Rams

New England Patriots (-1) at Jacksonville Jaguars

Stop me if you’ve heard this scenario before. An up-and-coming team has circled the Patriots on the calendar as their end-all, be-all game. They’re hyping it up and saying it’s the “most important game of (their lives).” They’re going to come out firing, get an early lead, then make one mental mistake and everything will fall apart. Anyone who thinks the Jags are winning this game please raise your hand. If you raised your hand you’re an idiot.

Pick: Pats

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos (-6)

This game is why RedZone was invented. Imagine not having RedZone and living in an area where this is the only late game you have? I can’t think of a worse fate. This game STINKS. Broncos may win by 40.

Pick: Broncos

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (-3)

When I first saw this week’s schedule and I saw this game, I had a moment of panic when I thought that it wasn’t going to be the Sunday night game. Thankfully, I was mistaken. The NFL knows what America wants, and we want the same boring NFC East matchup for the 10,000,000th year in a row. Seriously, this is the same game every year. It’s gonna finish 23-17, it’s gonna end with some fake controversy or overly analyzed coaching decision, or something stupid that going to be talked about ad nauseam by all the talk show hosts because the NFL wants to fool everyone into thinking that the Giants and Cowboys are relevant in 2018. This game is going to be terrible. Again.

Pick: Giants

Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears (-3.5)

I hate being week 1 overreaction guy as much as the next person, but the Bears’ season is already over. You just can’t come back from a loss like that. Defense looked good, and once Khalil Mack is in game shape they’ll be a problem. But Mitch is kind of…..ehhhhh? Young QBs are very impressionable. Lose a game like that in your first or second season and it can derail your career. I don’t want to say the Bears are going 0-16, but I’m not not saying that, either. Seahawks aren’t even that good, but Russell Wilson can win this singlehandedly.

Pick: Seahawks

Pluto is Officially Back

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source– The reason Pluto lost its planet status is not valid, according to new research from the University of Central Florida in Orlando.

In 2006, the International Astronomical Union, a global group of astronomy experts, established a definition of a planet that required it to “clear” its orbit, or in other words, be the largest gravitational force in its orbit.

Since Neptune’s gravity influences its neighboring planet Pluto, and Pluto shares its orbit with frozen gases and objects in the Kuiper belt, that meant Pluto was out of planet status. However, in a new study published online Wednesday in the journal Icarus, UCF planetary scientist Philip Metzger, who is with the university’s Florida Space Institute, reported that this standard for classifying planets is not supported in the research literature.

Metzger, who is lead author on the study, reviewed scientific literature from the past 200 years and found only one publication—from 1802—that used the clearing-orbit requirement to classify planets, and it was based on since-disproven reasoning.

He said moons such as Saturn’s Titan and Jupiter’s Europa have been routinely called planets by planetary scientists since the time of Galileo.

“The IAU definition would say that the fundamental object of planetary science, the planet, is supposed to be a defined on the basis of a concept that nobody uses in their research,” Metzger said. “And it would leave out the second-most complex, interesting planet in our solar system.””We now have a list of well over 100 recent examples of planetary scientists using the word planet in a way that violates the IAU definition, but they are doing it because it’s functionally useful,” he said.”It’s a sloppy definition,” Metzger said of the IAU’s definition. “They didn’t say what they meant by clearing their orbit. If you take that literally, then there are no planets, because no planet clears its orbit.”

The planetary scientist said that the literature review showed that the real division between planets and other celestial bodies, such as asteroids, occurred in the early 1950s when Gerard Kuiper published a paper that made the distinction based on how they were formed

Study co-author Kirby Runyon, with Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory in Laurel, Maryland, said the IAU’s definition was erroneous since the literature review showed that clearing orbit is not a standard that is used for distinguishing asteroids from planets, as the IAU claimed when crafting the 2006 definition of planets.

“We showed that this is a false historical claim,” Runyon said. “It is therefore fallacious to apply the same reasoning to Pluto,” he said.Metzger said that the definition of a planet should be based on its intrinsic properties, rather than ones that can change, such as the dynamics of a planet’s orbit.”Dynamics are not constant, they are constantly changing,” Metzger said. “So, they are not the fundamental description of a body, they are just the occupation of a body at a current era.”

Instead, Metzger recommends classifying a planet based on if it is large enough that its gravity allows it to become spherical in shape.

As much as it pains me to do so, I’ve got to make a pretty big admission: the Patriots’ win in Super Bowl LI is no longer the greatest comeback of all time. Pluto clawing its way back from the depths of irrelevancy to reclaim its rightful place among the Milky Way planets is as inspirational of a tale as these ears have ever heard. I still remember hearing Pluto was no longer a planet for the first time, and I can confidently say it scarred me for life. Everything I thought I knew until then was just a lie. I became more cynical. Jaded, even. How could I trust the information I was given ever again? I mean, hell, assuming Pluto becomes a canon planet again, there’s gonna be an entire generation of kids asking the same thing. They’re all so sheltered and self-absorbed they probably don’t even know what Pluto is, and now it’s going to be a planet again? That is, if they even still teach the planets anymore. Learning about space might damage their belief that they’re the center of the universe (sorry, I’m trying to improve my readership among 50-80 year olds, and I figure bashing the youth is a good way to do it).

This just tells me we still don’t know anything about space and we never really will. I’m fine with it, honestly. Ignorance usually makes me want to jump into oncoming traffic, but every time I think about space it feels like my brain’s going to explode. Space gets compared to the ocean a lot, but humans don’t die within a millisecond of being exposed to salt water, so I’m cool not having a real deep pool of space intel. But this study people used to discredit Pluto is over 200 years old and everyone’s still cool with it being used for major scientific purposes. Not only that, it took them 200 years to realize it might apply to Pluto! Then it took this random UCF scientist over a decade to realize that it actually didn’t apply to Pluto and that THE ORIGINAL STUDY WAS OVER 200 YEARS OLD SO MAYBE DON’T USE IT ANYMORE! I swear there’s an annual conference where all the NASA guys get together and come up with what they’re going to make Neil deGrasse Tyson say about space that year. Because if you ask any scientist besides NDT about nebulas or dark matter or singularities they just shrug their shoulders and say “I don’t know, man. You tell me.” NASA’s got the easiest job, ever. Release one statement a year saying you found literally anything and everyone will say how much more funding you need. Sign me up for that! This just in, Brian has recently discovered that Uranus is actually made of an edible material called salada. $100 billion, please. That’s how easy being a space researcher is, because no one knows anything and no one can possibly fact check you.

But anyway, welcome back, Pluto. Feels good to have nine planets again.

What’s the Best Fast Casual Tex-Mex Chain?

For far too long, I considered it one of the biggest black marks on my “Restaurant Chain Expert” resume that I had yet to try the popular Tex-Mex fast casual chain Qdoba. As luck would have it, a Qdoba location opened in my neighborhood recently, and, naturally, I took that as a sign to finally try it for the first time. This, also naturally, caused an internal debate to flare up in my mind: what’s the best of the fast casual Tex-Mex big three (Qdoba, Chipotle, and Moe’s)? It was clearly too important to keep to myself, so I knew I had to take it to the blog. Much like I did with pizza chains waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the day, I’ll break it down by categories and determine a winner. Also, spare me your Baja Fresh or Rubio’s Coastal Grill or any of the million chains that are only in Texas, thus making it impossible for someone who doesn’t live in Texas to actually try them and you only threw the name out there to make yourself seem smart and cultured, because I don’t care about them. I’m only talking nationwide (again: NATIONWIDE) chains that actually matter. That leaves only the holy triumvirate of MCQ (it’s like the MCU, but for fast casual Tex-Mex chains).

Taste

Let’s get the most boring one out of the way first- how good is the core food? Really, what I’m asking is how good is the meat? I think it’s a two horse race between Chipotle and Moe’s, because let me tell you, Qdoba is lagging behind. It wasn’t bad, per se. Just a little bland. Moe’s is solid, but if you gave me some Moe’s and told me it was from some random place I don’t think I’d be able to tell you it was actually Moe’s. I know when I’m eating Chipotle. That chicken’s got a certain addictive flavor to it. It’s like the perfect amount of char combined with the perfect amount of E. coli and norovirus. Round one goes to Chipotle.

Winner: Chipotle

Variety

As good as Chipotle’s food is, they’re far behind in the topping variety category. And while part of me respects them saying “we’ve only got a few things, but they’re all good,” this isn’t a Michelin star restaurant. I want my fast casual chains to overwhelm me with options. Qdoba has, by far, the widest spread. A ton of toppings, a million sauces, two types of lettuce, fajita veggies? Qdoba understands the the fast casual game better than the other two.

Pick: Qdoba

Chips

In my opinion, this is the most important category. The chips are the foundation to any enjoyable Mexican/Tex-Mex eating experience. Anyone can put some chicken, rice, beans, and cheese in a tortilla and I’ll eat it. But the chips? You notice when they’re bad and it ruins the meal. Like the meat, Qdoba is bringing up the rear, here. The chips are alright, but they’re seriously propped up by their salsa (more on that in a bit). Chipotle and Moe’s are miles better. The best part of Chipotle’s chips are that some bites are saltier than others and the salty ones really hit the spot. But, and this is huge, Moe’s chips are also great but free. $0.00. That’s enough for me. A delicious side at no extra cost? Yes, please.

Winner: Moe’s

Salsa/Queso/Guacamole

I must confess, I don’t like guacamole and I think queso can be way too heavy and gross sometimes, but this is still an important category. Take guac out of the equation since I haven’t eaten any of them. Qdoba wins for queso since they’ve got multiple varieties and pretty much forced Chipotle to add a half-assed queso to their menu. Salsa is where it gets heated. Chipotle only has a few varieties, but they’re all good. Moe’s has multiple varieties, and some are good. Qdoba has even more varieties, and, though I only tried a couple, they were pretty solid. I think it’s either Chipotle or Qdoba, and with their win in queso, Qdoba gets another win. Unexpected, to be honest.

Winner: Qdoba

Branding

The fact that the only time anyone talks about Chipotle is when there’s another disease outbreak and they have by far the best branding is a bad sign for the other two. The best logo by a mile (and, by default, the best signs) and they’re firmly intrenched as the more normie option. Qdoba scrapping the cactus logo is such a spectacularly terrible move I can’t wrap my mind around it. What is their identity now? Marigold lettering? Sweet. Moe’s giving FULLY CUSTOMIZABLE AND NON-REPEATABLE MENU ITEMS stupid names makes me absolutely furious every single time. Don’t make me call my burrito a homewrecker. I refuse to do it.

Winner: Chipotle

Dining Experience

Qdoba is a pretty standard fast casual experience. You go in, you get your food, you leave. Chipotle is much the same, but the added threat of possibly catching some kind of disease added a thrill that Qdoba can’t help to match. But having the entire staff yell “Welcome to Moe’s!” when you walk in AND add in a salsa bar instead of having it all behind the counter? Dumb names aside, it’s Moe’s in a landslide.

Winner: Moe’s

Aftermath

They final category represents the final stage in the fast casual Tex-Mex experience. We know how it is going in, but what about going out? Chipotle’s aftermath is so legendary, South Park lampooned it in an episode. I’ve spent many an hour on the toilet after eating some delicious Chipotle. We had a Moe’s on campus in college, and, as such, I’ve spent many an hour on the toilet after eating some delicious Moe’s. Let me tell you: the Moe’s is much, much easier to deal with. I was waiting on the Qdoba I ate last night to complete it’s course before writing this, and I can confirm it was unpleasant. Moe’s takes a much lighter toll on the body (and toilet) than the other two.

Winner: Moe’s

There you have it. Not exactly what I was expecting, but, when taking everything into account, it’s clear that Moe’s comes out on top. Chipotle has the best food, but the rest of it just doesn’t add up. Qdoba made a valiant effort, but to no avail. There’s a new king in town, and his name is Moe.

Overall Winner: Moe’s

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Monday Thoughts, Week 1

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If you’re anything like Garfield, you hate Mondays. I’m talking deep, primal hatred that could only be cured through years of therapy and not waking up at 6 to go to a job you dread (man, gotta love the corporate life, am I right guys?) Well, much like Seether featuring Amy Lee, I’m here to hold you high and steal your pain. Introducing the incredibly innovative new segment here at the Brian’s Den- Monday Thoughts (working title). I’ll give my take on the Sunday that was in the NFL, and I promise you won’t find another piece like it anywhere on the Internet. Absolutely no one does a round up of random observations and videos and what

have you from NFL games. No one. Anyway, onto the Monday Thoughts™.

  • Most unbiased folks would likely start with Aaron Rodgers’s crazy comeback. But I am not unbiased. Far from it, actually. So I’ll take this opportunity to remind everyone that the Patriots beat the Texans yesterday. Ho-hum. Remember the last time the Texans won in New England? Oh, that’s right. It’s literally never happened. The Texans, the permanently up-and-coming contender, has never won a game in Foxborough. And I’m supposed to be worried about them?
  • Speaking of teams I, a veteran of the Patriot H8rz War, am supposed to be frightened of, the Steelers looked so bad. Like, only the Bills played worse. I’m dumbfounded anyone still takes them seriously. They’re going to put up huge numbers this year, they’re going to win 11 or 12 games, they’re going to come into Gillette Stadium in the playoffs and everyone’s going to pick them because they have so much talent and they’re sick of the Pats, and they’re going to lose 105-0. Stop me if you’ve heard this scenario before.
  • Anyway, yeah, Aaron Rodgers. Not bad. This was a pretty decent throw off one leg:
  • People of course took last night’s absurd-yet-predictable comeback as a clear sign to start pushing the “Rodgers is the LeBron to Brady’s MJ” agenda, saying, in essence, that no one has ever been more skilled at playing quarterback than Aaron Rodgers. People obviously know where I stand here, but I’ve got no problem admitting Rodgers can do things Brady can’t. But, luckily, there’s more to quarterbacking than week one wins against division rivals you traditionally own.
  • Damn, can’t get over that comeback, though. Could any quarterback in history lead a comeback like that? I doubt it.
  • People forget Luke Bryan sang the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.
  • RIP to Jimmy G’s winning streak. Gone but not forgotten.
  • Handsome even in defeat
  • Count me among the many shocked observers around the country who learned that Shawn Williams, the Bengals safety who lead the NFL in personal fouls last season, was the first player ejected under the new helmet safety rules. A Bengals player ejected. What is this world coming to?
  • ATTN: Don’t play the Chiefs in week 1 of an NFL season:
  •  Also, Kansas City McDonald’s give out BOGO Big Macs if the team gets a sack? Excuse me? Seriously regretting moving to New York City now.
  • Is that… is that Ryan Fitzpatrick’s music?ryan-fitzpatrick-1260x800
  • The cycle is real, folks. It’s very real.
  • But seriously, these are some dimes
  • Saints defense, actually very bad again.
  • Saints offense, actually still very good. Mike Thomas had 16 catches. 16! Hope you had him in fantasy, amirite? We all play fantasy here and love talking about it with other people. Man, can you believe I had to go against Drew Brees and Alvin Kamara yesterday? I can’t bear the thought of facing my opponent in real life because he might talk some trash about an outcome neither one of us had any control over whatsoever. But that’s just the fantasy life, brah.
  • For every “don’t draft a running back high in the first round” guy, please avert your eyes:
  • Jags O’s looking rough. Love my guy Blake, but, yeah. Not good. Maybe the Giants’ D decided to be good again this year after taking last season off. Still, that D’s mighty fearsome. They need a nickname. I’ll let someone less white think of one.
  • Hey, Jalen Ramsey…….boo:
  • Titans-Dolphins being the longest game in NFL history is cruel and unusual punishment for everyone involved. Can’t think of a less interesting think to do with 8 hours of my life.
  • When you start Nathan Peterman in an NFL game again and are surprised he’s terrible and you have to “upgrade” to Josh Allen
  • Bills might be the worst team of all time this year. Like, worse than either 0-16 team. They might go 0-16 themselves, honestly.
  • This next segment is for Bears fans ONLY. Everyone else please move on.
  • What a season. What a team. We’ll remember them for a long, long time.
  • Von Miller: Good
  • Seahawks offensive line: Bad
  • Seahawks defense: Kind of Bad now, too
  • I think the Seahawks are just bad, in general now. Hate to see such a likable bunch fall apart and fade into obscurity.
  • I know there are many, many haters, but I’m addicted to the Browns’ jerseys. Tell me this doesn’t look good on the field. You can’t.
  • To avoid totally piling on the Bears, I will also say that their white jerseys are top five in the league.
  • The late afternoon games are usually pretty boring (mostly because the Cardinals are involved), but Panthers-Cowboys achieved a level of Ambien as of yet unseen in the NFL. If anyone thinks there was one, single worthwhile highlight or event from this game, please alert me so I can avoid you at all costs.
  • Adrian Peterson back???
  • Probably not, but a good game in week 1 buys you four weeks before people start to realize you’ve been averaging 3 yards a carry since.
  • People only think Andrew Luck is good because they want to push their own manufactured narrative that he was the next Elway coming out of college. He STINKS.
  • Forgot how good the Vikings were, which is kind of the perfect way to describe them. They’re really, really good. But there’s just something missing there that will prevent them from going all the way. They’re also the Vikings and are physically incapable of winning big games.
  • When the NFL is back and there’s another 16 weeks of this: