Brininho’s Den World Cup Thoughts: Final Edition

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Can’t believe it’s already been a month since the World Cup kicked off. We’ve come a long way since Russia decimated Saudi Arabia on opening night, and I think we’re all better people for it. My beloved France (as I said in my All-Hair Team, I took French from 4th grade to my senior year of high school, so if anyone’s allowed to jump on the bandwagon, it’s me) lifted the famous old trophy as World Cup Champions Champions du Monde. Thrilling final for a thrilling World Cup, and it’s only gotten me more hyped up for the 2022 World Cup, which will inevitably boil down to a USA vs. Ireland final. But before we look too far ahead, let’s take one last look back at the World Cup that was.

  • I feel very vindicated as a longtime Paul Pogba stan. I realize I haven’t discussed a ton of footy on here (will try to get more up as the Premier League season approaches), but Pogba is one of my favorite players to watch. He’s so goddamn cool and smooth and talented, and managers simply cannot figure out how to use him right. Jose Mourinho tries to fit a singular talent into his no-frills, no-fun strategy, Didier Deschamps tells him he’ll be spending most of the game as a glorified David Luiz. Just put him out there and let him do whatever he wants. He’s someone who can completely dominate games if you let him, and I just hope someone does soon.
  • If I could be anywhere in the world at any point in history, I think I’d choose to be at whatever fast food joint Harry Maguire and Harry Kane went to after losing to Croatia. I’d partake as well, sure, but I’d just want to observe. I know for a fact they each spent at least $25, which is at least $60 in regular, non-fast food money.
  • People forget Harry Kane is a huge Pats fan, which means not only is he smarter than he looks, but I am proud to call him my Golden Boot winner. His one open play goal came on a bizarre deflection off his heel, a perfect representation of not only the Harry Kane experience as a whole, but this World Cup in general.
  • Congrats on the Golden Generation on achieving what no Golden Generation has done before- winning the World Cup third place game. I can’t imagine how good it feels to prove all the pundits right when they called Belgium the future of the sport.
  • Congrats on the other Golden Generation at this World Cup for achieving what no Golden Generation has done before- getting blown out in the final. People forget Croatia had a Golden Generation, too, and their’s actually has some mental toughness. Just ran out of gas against better competition.
  • Have to address it: the Putin umbrella picture-Listen, Putin’s a scumbag but if you don’t at least respect this then you’ve never been caught in a rainstorm. If you rule your country with an iron fist, you’d better have an umbrella guy if you want to be taken seriously on the world stage.
  • That being said, and not to get too political here, but I’m starting to doubt Putin’s toughness a little bit. You let Pussy Riot dunk on you in public again? Dude, just have them all killed, what are you doing? Unless you want to tell me Pussy Riot is actually run by the state to try and convince the world there’s some political resistance to Putin’s reign, I can’t think of a reason why they’re still alive. If you’re the president of Russia there are literally no laws. You can do whatever you want. Pussy Riot’s been making you look like an idiot for like six years now and they’re still alive? Couldn’t be my dictator, I’ll tell you that much.
  • Luka Modric wins Golden Ball as the best player, which I have no issue with, but Eden Hazard and Antoine Griezmann winning Silver and Bronze Ball, respectively, is incorrect. It should have been Modric Gold, N’Golo Kanté Silver, and either Paul Pogba or Kevin De Bruyne Bronze.
  • The haters will say Kanté had a bad final, and he did. But (putting on my snarky internet guy hat) if you actually watched France play you know he was their best player all tournament. They pretty much built their entire strategy around him and his unique skills. If Les Bleus was a sports car, he’s the engine and the driver.
  • Big tournament for dads everywhere, as defense claims their first major championship in many, many years.
  • Getting your silver medal in the pouring rain seems like the worst thing of all time.
  • R.I.P. to one of my favorite things to do- reminding all the n00bs that wonder how much Mbappé will be sold for that he’s already the second most expensive player of all time and PSG would be idiotic (i.e., forced by UEFA) to sell him now.
  • The Official Brininho’s Den Team of the Tournament- GK- Thibaut Courtois, Belgium, Defense- Thomas Meunier, Belgium, Raphael Varane, France, Domagoj Vida, Croatia, Benjamin Pavard, France, Midfield- Luka Modric, Croatia, N’Golo Kanté, France, Paul Pogba, France, Forwards- Kylian Mbappé, France, Harry Kane, England, Neymar, Jr., Brazil
  • Remember when Robbie Williams performed at the opening ceremony? So weird thinking back on that.
  • Best goal of the tournament:
  • I hope all the journalists who had been detained for suspicion of possibly complaining about the Russian conditions are released safely, but i wouldn’t count on it. Safer to just keep in the the gulag where they can’t squeal.
  • Once more, for old time’s sake
  • I didn’t think I would ever see a beatdown quite like the national anthem battle between France and Belgium, but I guess I underestimated the badness of Croatia’s national anthem. Listen to this:
  • Now listen to this:
  • Honestly amazed they even played the game after that bloodbath.
  • While it was nice being able to just enjoy what was easily the most entertaining World Cup since 2014 without having to worry about America’s shortcomings, I’m just itching to see the boys get back out there and start disappointing again. 2022’s gonna be amazing, particularly since they’re going to 48 teams. It’ll be impossible to miss it, now!

That’ll do it for the 2018 World Cup. It was a wild ride, and I won’t be forgetting it for a long, long time. For anyone who was neutral that got hooked on soccer, congratulations. For anyone who was a hater but is warming up to the beautiful game, we’ll be here waiting for you to see the light. And for those of you who might actually care about soccer for more than a month at a time now, welcome to the good side. Club seasons start in less than a month, with Champions League not far behind. Need a team? Fret not, fair reader, for I’ll have you covered in due time. For now, just enjoy the afterglow of a wonderful international tournament as you prepare for the club experience, where’s there’s more goals and better fútbol. It’s great, trust me. Go Crystal Palace.

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2018 World Cup All-Hair Team

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The World Cup 2018 Final is set. France vs. Croatia. No, I’m not crying out of sadness that the World Cup is ending. I’m crying out of joy that my beloved France is going to hoist the old trophy once again. I took four years of French in high school (got a 2 on the AP exam, what’s up?) and may or may not have some French ancestry, so I’m practically a native Frenchman. In fact, you could call me a Nice Guy. Get it? Because Nice is a city in France. I actually do love this France team, though, even though I’ve been fairly lukewarm on them until now. Watching Paul Pogba play for his international side reminds me of why I fell in love with him (and soccer after a lengthy period of being a dumb hater) in the first place: when unbound by the oppressive shackles of Jose Mourinho, he’s just really really cool and fun to watch (#analysis). Mbappé is obviously awesome and, in a just world, N’Golo Kanté would be named Player of the Tournament (I’ve decided that this is the soccer equivalent of saying J.J. Watt should have won MVP during his dominant seasons). Plus, the next time they don’t have great jerseys will be the first. And yet, despite all that, we live in a world where it isn’t really that crazy to think Croatia will win the World Cup. 2018 is wild, man.

But we’re not here to talk about boring things like on-field results and post-tournament awards. We’re here to talk about the real honor: the 2018 World Cup All-Hair Team. The eleven players who displayed the highest hair acumen and execution. Now, we’re unfortunately no longer in the era of experimentation. For the most part, there’s three styles you’ll see: buzz, undercut, and bun/ponytail. Gone are the days of Zidane and Ronaldo (original). As such, players who took risks are rewarded, here. The All-Hair Team isn’t just a magazine of cool styles you can show your barber. It’s a tribute to risk-takers and those confident enough to stand out. So, yes, quality is always rewarded. But if a player’s hair isn’t the first thing you notice about him, how can he really be part of the All-Hair Team? The answer is he can’t. So, without further ado, the All-Hair Team. We’re going with a 4-5-1 because that fits our players best.

Manager- Hervé Renard, Morocco

There’s a lot of personalities on this team. A lot of divas. A lot of guys who think their hair gives them free reign to do whatever they please. I need a manager who can bring everyone together. A manager who doesn’t take any guff and has the full respect of the locker room. A manager with hair that can go toe-to-toe with any of his players’. That can only be one man- Hervé Renard. One look at him tells you everything you need to know. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say he has the best manager hair of all time.

Goalkeeper- Kasper Schmeichel, Denmark (captain)

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The captain of the All-Hair Team couldn’t rely on tricks and gimmicks for his look. He needed some of the best hair the world has ever seen. I was wondering if we would see someone like that at this year’s tournament, but, like a ray of light sent from above, Kasper Schmeichel’s glorious locks shone down upon us. A truly stunning head of hair. Fair, soft, perfectly coiffed. It somehow got better the sweatier he got, which, needless to say, is high degree of difficulty stuff. He was already a legend from Leicester City (and his father), but this hair performance is the kind of thing that leads to a big money transfer. I’m proud to call him my captain.

Defense- Domagoj Vida, Croatia

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I’ll be honest, when you combine the hairline with the overall quality of hair, this is one of the worst looks of all time. But I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s been stuck in my mind since the group stage and only tightened its grip on my brain as they’ve advanced to the final. Isn’t that the true spirit of the All-Hair Team, in the end? To say this wasn’t one of the eleven most memorable haircut of the World Cup would be disingenuous. Plus, I’m not going to be the one who tells a guy named Domagoj he didn’t make the cut.

Defense- Román Torres, Panama

In an era where everyone is constantly changing their hair and no one has a signature style, this is a signature style. The Brian Grant of world football, Román Torres’s dreads add a different flavor to what can seem a very one-note group of ‘dos. Is he a powerful center back or a beach bum permanently on island time? Who knows? That hair isn’t giving any clues, that’s for sure.

Defense- Harry Maguire, England

They say pets resemble their owners, and I think the same can be said for hair. Just like the body it belongs to, this hair is thicc as hell, and is the perfect combination of goofy and suave. I’ll be honest, I love Harry Maguire (I don’t even want to know how much Taco Bell he crushed after losing to Croatia) and kind of just wanted an excuse to put him on this team. He brings a much-needed carefree attitude to this group of primadonnas, and will undoubtedly be the glue that holds the locker room together. Probably takes him ten seconds to get his hair ready, which will diversify the styling approaches on the team.

Defense- Toby Alderweireld, Belgium

As textbook “soccer haircut” as it gets. Short fade on the side, slicked back up top. About ten million of these to choose from, so the fact that Toby stood out (and I needed another defender) says a lot. Can teach the other players a lot about precision and what to tell your barber to get what you want. Also definitely uses some questionable hair products that he gets from “his guy” that may or may not be the result of illegal animal testing. He’ll hook you up if you want, though.

Winger- Willian, Brazil

Don’t care if it’s 1818, 1918, or 2018. Good afros always play. Willian has a good afro. Apologies to Axel Witsel, but only one afro per team.

Midfield- Valon Behrami, Switzerland

I respect anyone who clings to vestiges of the past, and my man Valon’s trying his hardest to keep the bleach blonde look alive. Unfortunately, I was still unable to make my own decisions when this craze was still widespread, otherwise I undoubtedly would have joined in. If I were but a few years older, I would be able to insert a picture of my younger self with platinum blonde hair for your enjoyment. Alas.

Midfield- Diego Laxalt, Uruguay

Speaking of keeping old fads alive. I don’t mean to insult the good people of Uruguay, but if their players are still rocking cornrows in 2018 I doubt they’ll see this post for another decade or so. They’re going to love Lost, I can feel it. I’m worried what will happen to Diego’s psyche when he finds out that Luis Suarez bit some people a few years back. Might kill Uruguayan team chemistry, but luckily there’s only man from Uruguay on this roster.

Midfield- Rúrik Gíslason, Iceland

You may know him as Iceland’s resident male model, I know him as a man with an all time head of hair. He was in strong contention for the captainship, but I need someone’s who’s actually good wearing the armband. I think he technically played, but Rúrik Gíslason didn’t make the All-Hair Team for his futbol prowess. Like Loki, he stole the goddess Sif’s golden locks, but instead of using her hair for nefarious gains, he decided to start wearing it himself. If Chris Hemsworth ever feels like stepping away from the moviestar life, I know someone who can take his place.

Winger- Neymar, Brazil

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The ultimate chameleon, Neymar had new hair every game, each one of them money. Took a lot of heat for flopping and rolling around on the ground too much, but he should have been getting praise for his willingness to try new hairstyles. It takes a brave man to go with some of the looks he did, and that courageousness is what gets him a spot on the All-Hair Team. He brings flair and an inimitable style, and, barring a complete loss of hair, he’ll be headlining the 2022 All-Hair Team, as well.

Striker, Always and Forever- Olivier Giroud, France (co-captain)

The true G.O.A.T. Giroud has a permanent place on the All-Hair Team, the All-Style Team, the All-Beard Team, the All-Handsome Team, every possible team that isn’t related to scoring goals. He’s the only one on the roster who made it before his team played a game. He is, quite possibly, the most French person to ever live and I mean that as a positive. I don’t think he owns a winery but at the same time why wouldn’t he? He was born into a finely tailored silk swaddling cloth and was suckled on a bottle of cologne. He is the face of the All-Hair Team, and I couldn’t feel better about having him up top.

I would like to remind any potential haters who might disagree with this team that the All-Hair Team is chosen by a committee of some of the finest styling minds in the world. I am just their herald, revealing their divine choices to the uncultured masses. So don’t direct your qualms at me, maybe direct them inward and wonder why you have such bad taste. As for the water-boy on the All-Hair Team, well, I think yours truly has it locked up.

MLB Needs to Abolish the “Every Team Needs an All-Star” Rule

MLB: Tampa Bay Rays at New York Mets

The MLB All-Star rosters were announced over the weekend, and, naturally, people are mad online. Every All-Star roster announcement in any sport is always met with scorn and the opening day of #SnubSZN, and it’s usually pretty stupid considering, and this might blow your mind, there are a ton of great players and not all of them can make it. But baseball typically has the most snubs, and that’s because they’re still clinging to the archaic rule that every team, no matter how bad or how irrelevant, needs at least one representative in the Midsummer Classic. As such, more deserving players are left off the rosters far more frequently than in other sports, many of whom are merely being punished for having good teammates (wait, did bitter NBA fans make this rule in the early 1900s?). Frankly, I’m sick of it, and you should be too.

I can’t track down the origins of the rule (that’s called Journalism, folks), but, putting on my thinking cap for a second, I’m going to guess it was created in the early stages of the All Star game as a way to expose fans to different teams and players, try and fight the inherent regionalism that has always (and always will) existed in baseball, sell tickets, and generally grow the game. Well it’s 2018. We have the internet. If you care enough about baseball to actually watch the All-Star game, you already know the Tigers stink and are way too boring to have a representative. But there’s everyone’s favorite middle reliever Joe Jimenez taking up a roster spot. Awesome. Gotta get J.A. Happ and his 4.44 ERA on the squad, you never know when you might need someone to soak up innings in an exhibition game meant to show how exciting baseball can be. Jose Berrios at least has some name recognition as a former top prospect, but he’s still not that good. I only bring these guys up because they made the team over Blake Snell, the current AMERICAN LEAGUE LEADER IN ERA. Can’t let those diehard Twins fans feel left out! Not on MLB’s watch. I actually really have no issues with the National League team besides the fact that Jesus Aguilar should be on the team, but let’s just say the Pirates don’t need an All-Star, and they definitely don’t need an All-Star if I had to google him.

This is an easy fix. Construct the rosters the same way but without feeling the need to include every team. I guarantee it’ll make everyone except the random relief pitcher who gets a nice bonus happier. I mean MLB’s marketing department is completely incompetent so maybe they feel like they need this burst of fake controversy to stay relevant, but I promise that having players fans recognize and care about play in the All-Star game is more worthwhile than having people debate snubs for a bit. Not to mention it’s just a stupid and patronizing rule. Like do they just call up a middle reliever with a 3.58 ERA on the Pirates and say “Hey, buddy, I know your team’s not doing so hot, and we feel really really bad, so how about you come down to the All-Star game pizza party? It’ll be fun! Huh, what’s that? Exciting players from the Red Sox and Yankees? The National League co-leader in home runs? The absurd story that is Max Muncy? You think they’re more worthy? Don’t worry about them, little guy, if the fans really want them in they’ll nominate them in the final vote! Now why don’t you come down to the ballpark for some hot dogs and Gatorade?” Get out of my face with that crap. The best players should go. Period. I don’t care if the entire roster comes from three teams if they’re deserving. J.A. Happ isn’t a deserving All-Star. Joe Jimenez isn’t a deserving All-Star. Felipe Vazquez isn’t a deserving All-Star. I know it’s asking a lot, but maybe one day MLB will enter this millennium and do the right thing.

Cristiano Ronaldo to Join Juventus

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Welcome to the Summer of GOATs changing teams. First LeBron, now Ronaldo (co-GOAT). If Celine Dion takes her act to the Venetian in the next couple months we’ll really be seeing something special.

This has been kind of a weird saga since, if you’ve been paying attention, this move to Juventus was first reported about a week ago, no one on either side came close to denying it, and the final fee (€100 million) was the exact number that was first reported. So why the delay? Who knows. Maybe to give him time to write his Player’s Tribune article open letter to the fans. Or to try and upstage as much of the World Cup as possible. Or, more likely, to iron out the contractual kinks. Whatever the case, a new species of goat in coming to Torino (if you opt to say the Americanized Turin I hate you. Torino is so much better to say. Literally every single Italian city name is better in Italian and for some reason we felt the need to make worse versions of them because most Americans are too stupid to pronounce things correctly).

So why did CR7 want out? I’m guessing he was just kind of burnt out at Madrid. It’s not like he needs to move to win, or anything. Real literally can’t stop winning trophies. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery. Sometimes you just need to go somewhere with laxer tax laws. I won’t lie and tell you I’m an expert on Serie A, but something tells me they’ll have no problem letting Ronaldo skate by without paying his taxes if he’s still Ronaldo.

As for what this means for Serie A and the world at large, I don’t imagine much changing. Juventus won the league last year (and pretty much does every year), and something tells me adding Ronaldo won’t hurt their chances at adding another title to their cabinet. They’ll probably be a really fun team to watch, but I’ll be honest, you’ve gotta be a real diehard to regularly watch Italian league soccer. I don’t even know what network it’s on, but I’m guessing every time Ronaldo and Gonzalo Higuain start up front together they’ll play this:

Champions League will be the best time to watch them, and that’s where this move will have the biggest impact, anyway. Juventus was always kind of a secondary contender, a team that was always deep in the tournament but never a serious threat to win, but now they have to be taken seriously. For me, there are now six teams who could legitimately win the 2018-19 Champions League: Juventus, Real Madrid, Barcelona, PSG, Bayern Munich, and Manchester City. It’ll probably just be Real again because, you’ll never believe this, they’re still super stacked and will probably just go out and buy Harry Kane or something. But the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to like Juventus’ chances. They could very well be the highest scoring team in Europe this season, and, even without Gigi Buffon, they still have one of the strongest defenses in the world. It’s a strong take, but I think the team with Cristiano Ronaldo has a chance to go really far in the Champions League.

The most fascinating part of this for me is the transfer fee of €100 million. I realize that every transfer market is different, Ronaldo is 33, and PSG felt like they had to extravagantly overpay, but it’s crazy to me that Neymar is viewed as twice as valuable as Ronaldo. Soccer is a young man’s game, but there’s been no drop-off from Ronaldo whatsoever to this point. In many ways he’s getting better, just like Tom Brady or LeBron. I think he’ll stave off a drastic decline through sheer force of will and remain, at the very least, a world class striker for another three or four years. Does anyone have any doubt who’s going to lead Serie A in goals this season? Hint: it’s going to be Ronaldo. All things considered, €100 million for Cristi might turn out to be a massive bargain. I love this for Juventus, and if I’m a Real Madrid fan I don’t think I could ever forgive the Spanish government. Some things are bigger than civic duty, and keeping GOATs happy is one of them.

Brininho’s Den World Cup Thoughts, Business End Edition

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We’re officially in the nitty-gritty of the 2018 World Cup. The cheese is getting a little more binding with each passing moment, and the mere contenders are being separated from the potential champions. You’ll never believe this, but Brazil is looking like the team to beat. When are we going to get the takes that Brazil ruined fútbol by having too many good players? Or is that strictly an NBA complaint? Probably just NBA. Anyway, one team has already secured its place in the semis, and the other three spots will be filled by the end of the day tomorrow. Only a few more games of Cup action left, so make sure to cherish them. World Cup 2022 might never even happen.

  • I think it’s finally time I weigh in on the take that was sweeping the web during the group stage- if you legitimately think watching games on Telemundo is the superior viewing experience I hate you. It’s such a try-hard, “Look at me I just started watching soccer yesterday so I think it’s cool when people go crazy in other languages” move. It’d be like writing a series of blogs about the World Cup despite having inconsistent (at best) soccer coverage during the rest of the year. Saying Telemundo is better is the biggest soccer-noob move out there. Be better.
  • Such a bummer we didn’t get the GOAT-off. Especially after Uruguay pooped themselves against France. If David Stern is really bored in retirement, I’ve got an idea for his next project.
  • After much deliberation, I have decided that, if I ever pull the trigger, the one jersey I’ll buy from this World Cup will be the France white:It’s just so clean, plus the red and blue heather-effect? And the rooster logo? I put that on and I’ll be looking like Oliver Giroud in no time.
  • Japan with one of the worst losses of all time. Just brutal, but at the same time the most predictable outcome of all time. Tough to be the first team Belgium doesn’t fold against when they’re faced with the slightest hint of adversity. Japan is always a sentimental favorite of mine (I think I’ve spoken enough about the various Japanese things I love for that to be apparent), so that was a tough final 30 minutes to watch. I refuse to make the lazy seppuku joke, but you can if you want to.
  • Speaking of Japan, they went semi-viral for leaving the locker room spotless after their loss. Everyone raced to pat them on the back for being classy and respectful, and while I’m sure that’s true, I think they were cleaning out of shock. Sometimes something so crazy happens to you that your brain shuts off and you just start acting out of instinct. I think this loss was so bad every Japanese player decided to clean the locker room because it would give them an escape from the harsh reality that they choked big time.
  • When Xherdan Shaqiri can’t lead you to the quarterfinals against the surprise team of the tournament (R.I.P Xherdan Shaqiri hobbit jokes):
  • England vs. Colombia was amazing because it literally felt like every single player was trying to get ejected. It’s rare to see that type of mutual hatred these days. My favorite part was when it was clear American referee Mark Geiger had no control of the game so a Colombian player would kick the shit out of an England player and act like he was on the Kings during the 2002 Western Conference Finals when he got called for a foul. Love a good ref feud.
  • If Brazil vs. Belgium isn’t the greatest game of all time I might retire from the Internet (not really).
  • If France vs. Brazil/Belgium isn’t the greatest game of all time I might retire from the Internet (not really).
  • If Russia vs. Croatia isn’t the greatest- actually, yeah, never mind on that one.
  • No one’s that surprised that Russia’s benefiting from some favorable whistles, right? Like what ref has the balls to call a penalty against Russia in Russia with five minutes left in extra time? I know I wouldn’t. Russia is also clearly doping/bribing/cheating in some way but I think I love it. Soccer needs a villain and Russia winning the World Cup would be high comedy.
  • Over/under on Neymar rolls for the rest of the tournament has been set at 42.5.
  • Talk about a rollercoaster ride for goalkeepers. For every Kasper Schmeichel miracle save there’s a David de Gea or Fernando Muslera brain fart. Don’t know why anyone would choose to be a goalie.
  • Massive moment- the All Hair Team has officially named its captain:Stunning. Majestic. Pure beauty. Kasper.
  • The Milkshake Duck effect has ruined World Cup superfans. No longer do we get to find a random person the cameras picked up in the group stage, learn all their quirks and charming devotion, and slowly fall in and out of love with them as we discover their terrible Soundcloud and old pictures of them at Nazi rallies. I want my broadcast producers to be less woke.
  • Gabriel Jesus is allergic to scoring goals. He flat out refuses to do it. An interesting strategy for striker, to be sure.
  • Where does Kevin De Bruyne rank among all-time ginger athletes? He has to be above Andy Dalton.
  • Don’t get why anyone would choose to have a short goalkeeper. I get the quickness aspect, but I feel like height and length is such an inherent advantage at that position.
  • Romelu Lukaku not being the best player in the Premier League makes absolutely no sense to be. Guy’s literally got everything.
  • If you still dislike soccer after this World Cup (not saying a die hard fan, just able to say soccer can be fun), you’re just a blind h8r, and hate looks ugly on everyone.

Happy 4th of July

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We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator certain unalienable rights, that among those are the ability to eat ten billion hot dogs at a barbecue without judgment, taking off work because of the events of almost 250 years ago, and the pursuit of the perfect amateur fireworks display.

July 4th is, and always will be, a special day in America. It’s the day we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence (it always struck me as odd that just the signing got the holiday when England actually receiving word of the Declaration would be the more meaningful event, but alas. Also shout out to my boy Richard Henry Lee, who put forth the motion to declare independence, which was approved on July 2nd, 1776, only to be completely Independence-cucked by Thomas Jefferson and completely forgotten) by doing what our Founding Fathers would have done: drink a ton of beer, eat a ton of dogs and burgers, and generally do absolutely nothing until watching (or creating) a fireworks display. It’s a great time. It’s such a great time, in fact, that I’m not going to waste your time with an overly long piece about the merits or supposed faults of July 4th. Instead, here’s a bunch of inspiring videos.

Happy 4th of July, everybody.