We Need to Bring Back Last Name Only Movie Posters

After watching Triple Frontier the other day I went through my typical review prep, which primarily consists of Googling “X Movie Poster,” and this image came across my field of vision:

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I cannot tell you how happy it made me. No, not because everyone is lined up with their name. Not because of the nice use of negative space. Not because it’s just five actors that I like and that all look like combinations of the other actors on the poster. It’s because they went Last Name Only.

Last Name Only movie posters are a lost art; a relic of the mid-90s when every movie had at least two action stars headlining. A reminder of a time when 48% of a movie’s budget was spent on explosions. Take a look at this and tell me it doesn’t make you 100% more pumped up to see Double Team:

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I just love this whole aesthetic, man. Every single Last Name Only poster is for a movie about someone who was the best at what he did and now just wants to be left alone, getting the crew back together for one last job, two opposites teaming up to fight a common enemy, or, most likely, some combination of the three (Triple Frontier had elements of the first two throughout). It’s funny, it’s badass, it’s absurdly self-serious and over-the-top but also self-aware, it’s my favorite movie poster trope.

Not everyone can pull it off, however. You wouldn’t see a movie if the poster said, like, CERA and EISENBERG. There’s gotta be some oomph to it. Wesley Snipes went through a nice little LNO run-

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Al Pacino got in the mix with the rare Non-Action Movie LNO:

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Alpha move going LNO but having Sean Penn’s full name on the bottom.

But, of course, it’s all about the Big Three. JCVD, Arnold, and Sly. Sly invented it and quickly passed it on to his friends. Just look at some of these beauties:

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JCVD flat-out refused to put his full name on his posters and I respect it so much.

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Arnold going LNO ten thousand times and never going with the easier to spell Arnold is the ultimate power move.

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The original LNO

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No idea how Tango & Cash wasn’t LNO. Massive missed opportunity.

As you can see, LNO movie posters are the pinnacle of movie poster design. It’s not a coincidence that the LNO era was also the Golden Age of tag lines. I suppose we don’t see much LNO anymore because it reached its natural conclusion with Expendables and Expendables 2:

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But the first era of LNO posters ending just means it’s time for the second era to begin. I think Affleck is the best candidate to take over and drag us into the new age. He’s got the perfect combination of distinctive name, distinctive look, and no real aspirations for higher art (at least not anymore). Oscar Isaac flirts too much with Oscar movies to fully commit to LNO life, and the other three just aren’t big enough. Gotta be Affleck. Triple Frontier was the first step. Now he just needs to build on it. Team up with Matt Damon again and go LNO. Make a couple action movies over the next five or six years and go LNO. Soon enough, it’ll be back in style. Just have to keep it away from Dylan O’Brien.

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How is there a Torii Hunter, Jr. in Spring Training Already?

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I was perusing my MLB At Bat™ mobile application this weekend just getting ready for the upcoming baseball season and catching up on Spring Training storylines when I was slapped directly in the face by what has to be a false flag headline. I’m paraphrasing here, but it said something along the lines of “Torii Hunter, Jr. Powers Angels.” I immediately knew this to be incorrect, since there is no possible way that Torri Hunter, former All-Star centerfielder who retired in 2015 already has progeny in the professional baseball ranks. But, sadly, I then remembered that I already knew about THJ because he played football at Notre Dame. Following a minor breakdown where I was questioning my own transience, I began to accept this preposterous fact that Torii Hunter, who had his first MLB at-bat in 1998, had a son that was fighting for a major league spot (he’s only three and a half years younger than me, though, so maybe I’ve still got some time to make the show).

Anyway, all of this got me thinking about athlete’s sons (and daughters, too. It’s 2019, after all) and what leads to them being good or not. This isn’t an original thought, but the quality of the offspring is almost always inversely related to the parent’s ability, and Torii Hunter might have been a little too good to produce a quality major league baseball player. MJ’s kids? Stunk at basketball. LeBron’s kids have yet to make the NBA. Roger Clemens’s kids are all coaches now. They can’t be too bad, though. The sweet spot is role player to quality player. Dell Curry’s kid is good. Bobby Bonds and Ken Griffey, Sr. both had sons make the major leagues. Pat Mahomes, Sr. has a professional athlete son. The lone exception seems Vlad Guerrero, Jr., but they always say the exception proves the rule, which is a concept that makes no sense whatsoever because if a rule is something that is always true, how could the existence of something that proves the rule isn’t always true actually prove that the rule is always true? But yeah, thinking about which athletes would make the best kid. Here are my top nominees:

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Robert Swift– I’ve said it before, but the time Robert Swift showed up one day with two full tattoo sleeves was one of the most shocking moments in NBA history. He sucked but had prototypical NBA size. If he can pass down that size and his son learns the 2019 big man skill set, we could be looking at the ginger Porzingis. The biggest hurdle may be finding a willing partner.

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Matt Stafford– If you can’t imagine Matt Stafford, Jr. having a 6,000 yard season at Oklahoma State in 2042 then we just aren’t watching the same sport.

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Jim Furyk– Couldn’t tell you why, but I imagine Furyk’s son as a real mean outside linebacker.

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Malcolm Brogdon– I’m gonna go a different direction, here. Malcolm Brogdon’s daughter is going to be a five- or six-time WNBA All-Star (yeah, I saw Captain Marvel on International Women’s Day, nbd).

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Juan Pierre– Juan Pierre’s kids are going to be absolutely nasty at baseball. Just disgustingly filthy. A 50-50 season might be on the table.

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Tom Brady– Come on, you think Tom’s seed isn’t magic?

Blayze on the Beach 2019

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After weeks of embedded reporting, our documentary team is finally ready to publish their explosive investigation into Blayze on the Beach 2019, the Greatest Party the Never Was. The levels of delusion, neglect, and incompetence shown by everyone involved in this disaster are enough to shake your belief in the human race forever. Though we want to encourage worldly knowledge and freedom of information, we must warn you: the following footage is not suited for everyone. Viewer discretion is advised.

Crullers Are So Underrated

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This is kind of random but I was thinking about this all weekend and I needed to post it here. We, as a society, don’t give crullers enough respect. There are a million different varieties, but I’m not talking about the fancy French twists or the ones that are just sticks. I’m talking about the twisted ones that are essentially just long donuts. Nice and doughy and covered in cinnamon sugar. I think they’re more of a New England thing than anything else, but, as with most things, New England is at the top of the mountain when it comes to breakfast foods. It’s time they go more mainstream.

Honestly, they’re more practical than traditional donuts. If you’re a donut dunker, the rod is much easier to dip than the circle. The stick fits any cup opening, the wheel leaves you to the whims of fate. What if the cup isn’t big enough to accommodate a fresh, unbitten donut? If you’re a dunker (I’m not because, as always, I’m mentally strong enough to eat foods without dipping them in anything), this has to be an issue. You’ve already committed to eating the donut slathered in coffee au jus, but the first bite, the most important bite, might wind up either dry or inadequately covered. That’s devastating. Crullers eliminate this. They have yet to develop a non-novelty cup that a cruller can’t fit into. Crullers were made for dipping. That’s why they’re on this planet. To be dipped in your morning coffee (or, in my case, to be eaten in under ten seconds sans joe).

They’re also easier to eat. You know what’s an annoying micro-decision? After you take the first bite of donut you have to pick which direction you’re going to eat in. Crullers you take the first bite and then the second bite is in the exact same place as the first one. Life is hard enough without your food making you think twice about where to bite next. Because there is a wrong answer, and you usually can tell right away. It differs from donut to donut, but if you go left when the universe intended for you to go right, it’s gonna ruin your eating experience. The only choice you need to make with crullers is how many to eat.

Crullers also taste better. When you get those bits of twist where the cinnamon sugar penetrated real deep, it’s like seeing the Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter has multiple baskets of crullers under his desk at all times, they’re the only things that keep him going. Regular cinnamon sugar donuts are obviously Hall of Fame level, but Tom Brady and Eli Manning are both Hall of Famers, too. Doesn’t mean they’re in the same class. Crullers take everything that make donuts good and improves on it. Better with coffee, better on the go, better period. It’s time for the cruller boom.

I swear this isn’t just an ad for McDonald’s new Donut Sticks.