Pokémon Football Draft, Round 4

Mike Greenberg: Welcome back to Radio City Music Hall, we’re just about to get this fourth annual Pokémon Football League draft underway, the first pick is just minutes away. Oh, hold on, I’m getting something in my ear. Yes, apparently it’s been seven years since the last one. I’m choosing to ignore this fact because it upsets me. Whatever, we’re here now, that’s all that matters. Before the first pick, let’s bring on our chief scout, Brian, to run down his top players.

Brian: Thanks, Mike, always loved you and Golic together, hopefully the blood feud isn’t too bad, these days. This is a really interesting draft class, before the year I thought it was weak, but a lot of guys got a lot better. This draft is absolutely loaded with offensive talent, and a lot of high risk, high reward players. Mike, I wouldn’t be surprised if multiple coaches and GMs got fired because of what happens tonight, but also if some cement their legacies.

Mike: Alright, before we get to the Big Board presented by Subway, let’s bring on Stephen A., Pat McAfee, and Kendrick Perkins for their thoughts.

Brian: Hey, Mike, is it cool if we don’t do that and I just give my picks? I think everyone would be happier this way.

Mike: Please, god, yes.

1. Ambipom (QB)

Jeff George wishes he had Ambipom’s arm talent. He can throw a ball through three brick walls lined up next to each other. Led the country in passing yards despite having a 4-8 record and his teammates all think he’s a huge bastard, but, unfortunately, the dweebs have taken over Pokémon football, too, so all that matters in player analysis is smugly defending your previously held beliefs nebulously found in “film study” and off platform throws. In my opinion, he is not a leader and will set whatever franchise takes him back ten years. But, the talent is so tantalizing, there’s no way he doesn’t go number one. Because if Ambipom grows up, if he has the right people around him, he will win MVPs and championships.

2. Infernape (QB)

Prototypical dual-threat QB. In most other classes, his rocket arm would stand out, but when the genetic lottery decides to give John Elway’s arm to a different monkey, it’s tough to stand out as much. Much more mobile than Ambipom, and his rushing ability should take over games at the next level. Lacks touch and control, but has enough talent where it doesn’t matter. Some say he’s a competitor, some say he’s a reckless hothead. Depends on your point of view. Very likely that five years from now, we’ll wonder why he wasn’t the consensus number one.

3. Arceus (TE/WR/RB/OLB/DE)

Tells you all you need to know about football when literal God is behind two QB prospects. Not much to say, here. Will walk in and dominate. It might be fair to ask if Arceus should even be eligible. You could certainly question why he waited until now to join the league. Maybe he’s benevolent enough to have waited until there’s enough talent to match him. Still, and I hope I don’t get struck down for questioning the divine, I think his technique needs work. In college, he’d lazily get off the ball and be in the backfield in a second. That won’t work when Blastoise fires off the line and drives him back ten yards before he even realizes the ball is snapped. That won’t work when Wailord sets his feet in pass pro. Similarly, his route running on offense needs sharpening. I trust him to figure it out, and I trust him to be All Pro every season.

4. Garchomp (OLB/DE)

The ideal 3-4 outside linebacker. Long arms, strong base, explosive get-off. Has a nose for the football, lives for strip sacks. Two-dimensional on defense, excels against the run and the pass. Easily the best non-deity defensive prospect, and, as the talent pool grows, the need for two way players lessens every year. Garchomp won’t need to flail around on offense pretending to be a tight end. A locker room and community leader. Slam dunk pick.

5. Lucario (WR/FS)

A fluid athlete, Lucario projects to be a top-line receiver at the next level. A route running technician, Lucario gets open with ease, and is a strong runner with the ball, often taking defenders by surprise with his powerful finishes. Good, not great vertical and speed, but football instincts make up for it. Better on the outside than in the slot, where his physicality produces some spectacular catches over defenders. Recently overcame a porn addiction by finding religion, and is now super anti-porn and in your face about it in a way that makes you really uncomfortable and not want to ever think about it again, which I guess is his main goal. He might just miss porn really badly. Either way, is a rigid locker room presence.

6. Bastiodon T/G/C

Dainty nerds need to stay away from this living embodiment of old school football. Bastiodon is so committed to protecting his backfield that a shield evolved onto his head, and he’s got a nasty disposition, to boot. Plug and play anywhere on the line. A road grating interior run blocker, an anchor on the outside, even cerebral enough to play center. A true can’t-miss pick, even if he lacks the top-tier athleticism that the best linemen in the league have. Not a sexy pick, but no team would say no.

7. Torterra T/DT

The highest upside lineman in the draft, conditioning is all that’s keeping Torterra from fulfilling his potential. Can’t sugarcoat it, he’s really slow. But, even with the extra weight, he can still be a menace on defense. Stonewalls the run, has an excellent knack for deflecting passes on the line. Has the tools to be just as good on the offensive side, just needs a patient coach and a disciplined personal chef. He was practically furniture at the Grass University McDonald’s, he was there so much. One of the only players outside the top five with true multiple-time-All-Pro potential.

8. Gabite CB/WR

The tallest man in Munchkinland. Gabite will greatly benefit from his draft class’s imbalance towards the offensive side of the ball. The only starting-caliber defensive back in the class. Still, he’s more than just competent. He’s a playmaker. While Dragon University’s old school cover one scheme left most of his teammates exposed and battered, Gabite stood strong. After the third week of the season, the man he was guarding saw less than one target per quarter, and he still managed to get six interceptions on the year. Unknown if he can hold up to more consistent action. Quick feet, fluid hips, great recovery speed, stubby arms. Should play a long time in the league, even if he never gets any accolades.

9. Heatran (DT)

Absolute bulldog. A menace on the interior, with lightning-quick hands and first step, with beastly strength to match. Poor conditioning and gap discipline his only weaknesses. Heatran gets overexcited when he sees the ball, and will always take the bait on play action. Bounced around the transfer portal and comes in older, potentially limiting his upside.

10. Weavile (RB/WR/SS)

The PFL is about four running back revolutions behind the NFL, and right now we like them (mostly because there still aren’t enough other good players). Quick-twitchy with explosive speed, Weavile creates big plays over and over again. If he gets to the second level you can’t touch him. Breaks ankles relentlessly. Good hands out of the backfield, and a great route runner for a running back, you can split him out wide to get him the ball on the outside. Useless in pass protection and injury prone.

11. Gallade (WR/FS/SS)

While some may see Gallade as a disappointment (he was the number one QB prospect in his high school class, but a bad shoulder injury and a deserved benching his freshman year killed his confidence), the fact that he ranks this high as such a raw prospect shows what kind of ability he has left in him. In his two years playing receiver, you could see his skills grow week to week, which, coupled with his still best-in-class athletic traits, is tantalizing. Even with the improvements, very unrefined. His routes improved greatly, but going from 0% to 60% still puts him at 60% of a pro’s ability. His mental health struggles were nurtured by the Psychic coaching staff, but the PFL locker rooms are a different beast. With his known confidence issues, a few bad games against superior competition could break him. Or he could power through and fulfil his unlimited potential.

12. Buizel (WR/RB)

Another explosive offensive weapon. Led college ball in receiving yards and added in 400 rushing yards for good measure. Isn’t a stretch to call him a genius with the ball in his hands. He sees angles that don’t exist, he finds space out of thin air, he seemingly telepathically manipulates his blockers into perfect position. Greatest athletic feature might be his ability to stop and start faster than you can blink. Small frame worries scouts, and tested surprisingly poorly at his pro day. Served a six-game suspension for gambling his sophomore year, but most people around the Water facility say he’s a great kid and has grown from the mistake. Will be the number one buzzy rookie in fantasy drafts.

13. Dialga (OLB/DE)

A versatile outside defender, Dialga’s size is a strength and a weakness. He can easily set the edge and overpower opponents, but all that extra weight slows him down, too. Not particularly explosive athletically, but his excellent technique masks it. A steady player who will maximize their talent. Has the ability to be a consistent double-digit sack guy.

14. Rampardos (DE)

Mike Greenberg: Sorry, Brian, I have to cut in here, we’re going to throw this segment over to the 2020 NFL Draft ABC Broadcast to hear from Chris Connelly about Rampardos’s amazing story. Chris?

Chris Connelly: Thanks, Mike. (Soft piano music starts) Not many people have had quite as hard a life as Rampardos has, and even fewer have come out the better for it. His mother died in childbirth and his father died of a drug overdose when he was just three years old. His grandparents were already dead, and he went to live his his aunt, but after two years a car accident left her a paraplegic. With no other living family, Rampardos went into foster care, where he bounced around from home to home, until finally landing with the Herskowitz family. While Mr. Herskowitz beat Rampardos daily and relentlessly, he was also the football coach, and knew he could ride his adopted son’s natural ability to a nice payday. Once he found football, Rampardos thrived. Replacing proper, professional therapy with violence, football helped Rampardos grow into the moody, standoffish, immature cretin we know today. It’s really a triumph of the human spirit, Mike.

Mike: Thanks, Chris, what an amazing story. Boy, this kid sure can hit hard, whether you’re a quarterback, his [REDACTED], or [REDACTED]. He’s got a great future in this league. Brian, back to you.

15. Empoleon (G/DT)

The growing tradition of Water University producing great line prospects continues. Empoleon is the best true guard in the draft. Ridiculously quick feet for a big man. Flawless technique. Better run blocker than pass blocker, but doesn’t struggle by any means. Will be an easy starter right away, and has the perfect mentality to be in the league for a long time. If he was big enough to play tackle, he’d be a top-ten pick.

16. Porygon-Z (QB)

The final member of the Porygon football family is the best of them, but you wouldn’t know it looking at the numbers. After all, he was buried behind Ambipom on the depth chart. Somewhere between a total project and a calculated risk, PZ (that’s what his teammates called him) has the tools, just no experience. While his brothers were system players who put up good stats in Normal U’s up-tempo, pass-happy scheme, PZ has real, translatable tools. Big arm, can move, but he thinks a lot and doesn’t make quick reads. He could just be a workout warrior with viral TikToks of him hitting bottle caps off with a football and a waste of a pick. But, he could also make someone look like a genius.

17. Palkia (TE/DT/DE)

Statuesque in every sense of the word. Has all the size in the world, but just can’t move. Will probably be the slowest player in the league who actually sees the field outside of the Pokémon literally made of rocks. If I can editorialize here, Palkia is going to be a bust. I’m positive. But the size is so tantalizing. You can’t teach it. He can maul people. If he somehow gets open long enough to catch the ball, he’s a bear to bring down. You’ve got to double-team him if you run the ball near him. But the solution is always just to run the play the other way. He can’t do anything about it. Can probably be a good red zone threat, and will catch enough TDs that fantasy players will start to think he’s good.

18. Monferno (WR/RB/CB)

This is where the draft gets fun. Once you get past the big names and high pedigrees, there is so much intriguing talent, Monferno the chief example. The best hands in the draft, sterling footwork, and tough as nails, Monferno led the country in catches last year as the only receiving threat for Infernape. He can feast as a slot receiver at the next level. If he’s matched up against safeties, or, god forbid, linebackers, he’ll make them look silly. Despite these glowing reviews, you really can’t be taking a tiny slot receiver too highly. Will outperform his draft slot.

19. Electivire (TE/DE)

A true project, Electivire has only been playing football for two years. A basketball star until he reached a level where being a 6’4″ center wouldn’t cut it, Electivire has freak athleticism. He’s just so raw. His blocking technique is non-existent, so in his case, tight end is just another word for big receiver. Since he’s so unrefined, has a tendency to completely rely on his physicality, which works in lower levels, but not the pros. You don’t take Electivire expecting a day one All Pro. You teach, you develop, you live with the mistakes and sloppy technique for the momentary flashes of brilliance and hope that those moments get longer and longer.

20. Yanmega (WR/S)

Most associate bug receivers with shifty quickness, but Yanmega is pure, straight line speed. The top 40 time at the combine. He’s a long, rangy athlete who will get behind defenses with ease and also cover a lot of grass as a safety. So, what’s the catch? His hands are pretty poor and he struggles with changing direction. Avoids contact as a ballcarrier and would much rather play coverage than come up and hit people. In other words, he’s a softy. Pretty hard to coach that out of someone. Still, he’ll make some spectacular plays. Just probably not in big moments.

21. Munchlax (DT/C)

Munchlax should be much higher on this list. Unfortunately, he’s just got no desire. He has freakish strength, quick feet, all the natural ability in the world, and yet, he’s down in the 20s and will probably drop even farther. The stories coming out of the Normal locker room are as unflattering as you can get. Forget taking a nap during film study, Munchlax was bingeing Family Guy on his iPad. And not even the old glory years when Seth MacFarlane was still writing, either. The new stuff. He knew all the dining hall staff by name and would set up shop there for hours at a time, sampling all the Sysco-distributed delicacies. Actively got worse as a player in four years. It’s a shame, really. I suppose there’s a chance he could turn it around, but looks like a classic case of wasted talent.

22. Rhyperior (G/C/DT)

Pretty standard B-tier interior line prospect. Great strength, solid technique, poor conditioning. Might not be a day one starter, but won’t take long to get up to speed. Is best suited to a power running scheme where he can start pulling and decleating unsuspecting defensive players. Not as quick as Rhydon but stronger and smarter. Won’t get fans excited but is a good addition to any team.

23. Dusknoir (TE/DE)

There’s a lot to like here if you need a playmaking tight end. Dusknoir has an absurd catch radius and massive hands. Throw it anywhere near him and he’ll get it. Great with the ball in his hands, a rarity for such a big guy. He’s just not an explosive athlete. He’s slow and not as strong as he looks, a deadly combination. Until his body gets up to speed, he might have trouble getting off the line and getting open in time. Also, slight off-the-field concerns: he’s older, having spent two years on a religious mission, and rumors are that it did not go well. You can find any amount of baseless speculation over what happened to Dusknoir in Cambodia, and, odds are, nothing will ever come of it. Just something to be aware of. You know, just in case. I mean, I have an airtight alibi for August 23rd, 2023, and I have no knowledge of magic circles, séances, or ritual blades. Do you? Better think twice before casting too many aspersions Dusknoir’s way.

24. Regigigas (T)

The haters will say this ranking is outrageous and that I only put Regigigas so low to drive engagement. While I won’t complain if that happens, the honest truth is I didn’t know what to do with him. It’s undeniable that he’s a dominant player. In a vacuum, he’s a franchise cornerstone, a staple on year-end All-Star teams. But the fact is he doesn’t play. The ultimate definition of “it’s always something.” Freshman year, torn shoulder, okay, sucks, but is what it is. Sophomore year, gout sidelines him for five games. Unexpected, but no one likes gout. Junior year, suspended two games for violating team rules then misses three games with trench foot then is out for the year when he breaks his forearm. Senior year, he starts the first two games, but leaves early in the second with a finger injury and then misses the rest of the season when he somehow contracts African sleeping sickness. He’s shown a remarkable ability to bounce back, but I don’t know how you can really rely on him. Hopefully, it’s just been a string of bad luck and he’ll have an injury-free career and walk into the Hall of Fame. Just use caution.

25. Luxray (RB/OLB)

A true power back. Old-school runner whose main goal is to run you over on his way to paydirt. Not particularly explosive, but not plodding, either. Could easily be the big half of a fun small guy-big guy backfield duo. Very good receiver out of the backfield and reliable third down safety valve. If his coaches decide to focus more on defense with him, actually has potential to be a pretty solid pass rusher. Has a reputation for being uncoachable and hard-headed. Very prickly personality and is way too in-your-face with religious stuff. Not a criminal, or anything, but not a fun guy to be around.

26. Carnivine (CB/S)

Mike: Alright, we’re gonna kick it back over to Chris Connelly and the guys at the 2020 ABC broadcast desk. Chris, what can you tell us about Carnivine?

Chris: Mike, Carnivine wasn’t supposed to be here. And I don’t mean that in a cliche way, like he was counted out. His birth parents left him on the side of the highway as a baby, and he was picked up by a passing trucker, none other than Sean Patrick Goble, the Interstate Killer. Before he could add the helpless baby Carnivine to his long list of victims, he fell asleep at the wheel and veered into traffic, almost hitting another car. The two drivers got out to talk, and when the other driver noticed baby Carnivine and asked about him, the serial killer decided to cut bait and hand it over, since they were a young couple who were unable to have children of their own. From that point, Carnivine was raised with love and lived a normal life. They supported his football playing career fully since his adoptive mother ran a successful skincare company.

Mike: That’s it? No string of tragic deaths? No disease, no accidents?

Chris: No, certainly no more than a normal person this age would experience. He grew up in a nice area, did well in school, has a good social circle. Odds are, when his playing career is over, he’ll find a positive way to contribute to society.

Mike: What the hell, Chris? You’re supposed to make the audience depressed, not give them thirty seconds of excitement and then nothing.

Chris: Mike, to be honest, I can’t do this sappy stuff anymore. Ever since I did that My Wish video with Todd Helton, my life has been going downhill. I’ll never be able to capture anything that pure and inspiring again. And this whole act we’re doing, treating every prospect like some heroic figure just because someone they knew had pneumonia, it’s insulting. To me and the audience. I can’t do it. I don’t know if this was just a missive sent out by the league to make people forget about the concussions, or the domestic violence, or the steroid use, or the logical fallacy of a professional sports league being in bed with gambling companies, or whatever Tyreek Hill did last week, or the epidemic of guys addicted to forcing masseuses to give happy endings, or the fact that the officiating gets worse every yea-

Mike: Oh, you hate to see that. Looks like Goodell’s snipers finally found Chris Connelly and put him out of his misery. Can’t disrespect the shield, Chris. Can’t do it. We’ll be back after this message from our sponsors. Don’t go anywhere, though, because after the break, Kendrick Perkins will tell you why Mewtwo actually didn’t deserve last year’s MVP award.

(Shoutout to the ten people who remember the 2020 ABC NFL Draft broadcast. Everyone else, thanks for being here.)

27. Magmortar (G/DT)

A decent enough player, but in between his junior and senior seasons, went vegan and lost a ton of weight, ignoring the fact that his weight is what helped him move people. Still serviceable. His family runs a rubber band factory, and there’s always a chance he’ll bail on football to join.

28. Probopass (MLB/FB)

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day
‘Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with

Oh, sorry. You’ve caught me wistfully remembering the days when middle linebackers used to be 280 lbs of immobile bricks that would lay waste to anyone who went over the middle but were completely incapable of going more than ten yards in any play. What a time. Probopass belongs in that time, not this current era where real athletes are playing the position. Still, he’s the only guy in the whole class who plays MLB, so he’ll get picked.

29. Abomasnow (DT/DE)

While it’s better than the reverse, Abomasnow simply cannot play in the heat. He will melt and die. In the playoffs, he’s great. But you can’t spend a lot of draft capital on a guy who you know won’t play for half the season.

30. Gliscor (WR/RB/CB)

Looks the part and has solid measurables, but no production whatsoever. Hard to take a prospect too seriously when their greatest accomplishment in life is beating the final boss in Shadow of the Erdtree before the patch that made it a lot easier. Oh, wait, sorry, that’s me. What’s that? You want to hear about it? I thought you’d never ask. I got PS5 late, so I was still in the middle of my first Elden Ring playthrough when the DLC came out, but I got to it shortly after launch. My character was a DEX-INT build, but really just dual-wielding katanas (Moonveil and the base one with an ice infusion. Yes, I used bleed, so sue me). First time through these games I can’t do magic, I need to just get in the mix with physical attacks. But, of course, your build doesn’t matter in the DLC because they start giving larval tears away like candy so you can change your build like fifty times, which I did when a lot of the areas completely dominated me. Eventually, I had a stable of three weapons/builds I liked, dual-wielding the sleep swords was the most fun but also the jankiest, Death Knight’s Twin Axes were sweet, dragonscale great katana for EZ dragon cheese, and the light greatswords were what I spent the most time with. I made it through the DLC, only hitting a few snags. Rellana stonewalled me for a day or two before I beat her, Midra kept owning me even though in my head I was thinking the whole time that he wasn’t that hard, I took a break doing other stuff then came back and broke his back so fast that I skipped the atom bomb attack he does halfway through (the haunted forest was my favorite area, btw), and, of course, the WOAT, Commander Gaius. I wish I could say I killed this bastard before they “nerfed” him, even though I contest that it wasn’t a true nerfing since all his attacks were still bogus, they just adjusted his starting position. The first time you enter his arena, he’s way at the other side and dramatically charges at you. In subsequent attempts, they made him start like five feet from the entrance and instantly go into his broken charge attack that you couldn’t dodge, so you were just starting the fight at 40% health. Once they moved him back, it only took me two tries. He was the only boss in the game, DLC or proper, that I actually didn’t think I’d ever beat. Also, yes, I immediately went through the region getting as many Scadutree fragments as possible and was technically over-leveled, but you can’t be over-leveled in the DLC since it just scales with you. Messmer was the coolest fight and it only took like a hundred tries to kill him. Then the big gank fight before the final boss was annoying, but I powered through. I got so good at the final boss’s (won’t spoil the identity even though I know no one cares) first phase, you would have thought I designed the game. I could recognize which attack was coming based on his feet, except the stupid quick cross slash, which annoyed me until I saw a YouTuber break down that it was physically impossible to consistently dodge it and I felt better about myself since I could just shift the blame away from my poor play. And I should come clean and confess I was using the Bloodfiend’s Arm version 1.0, a truly, truly busted weapon, but I’m not ashamed since the boss doesn’t fight fair, either. Second phase was just preposterous, the residual light damage after every swing was demoralizing. But, eventually, I did it. Or rather, my mimic tear did it, but he died right at the end and I got the last hit in, so I can say I got the kill. And it felt great. Anyway, yeah, Gliscor, don’t draft him unless you really need depth.

31. Giratina (DE/TE)

There are a lot of character concerns in this draft class, but even Rampardos looks like a saint compared to Giratina. He’s Satan. He has killed. He will kill again. But he’s really good at football. The ultimate Hail Mary for desperate, bad football teams, Giratina will destroy your locker room, perhaps literally. If he’s drafted, he’ll probably start his career suspended. I feel a little guilty wasting a slot like this since there is still talent left, but I can’t shake the feeling that someone is going to watch a highlight compilation and take the plunge. That person will wind up fired. Or dead.

32. Leafeon (RB)

Good value receiving back. Winning player who will accept a lesser role but can step up if needed.

Next Five:

Darkrai (WR/CB), Chimchar (RB/CB), Staraptor (SS), Cranidos (OLB/CB), Floatzel (TE)

Coaching Prospects:

Honchkrow, Magnezone, Vespiquen, Togekiss, Bidoof, really stacked coaching class. These are the minds that will take the game forward.

Cheerleader:

Roserade

I don’t want to think about Pokémon this way:

Lopunny

Also mass murderers but not good enough to make the league:

Drifloon, Driflim

Life Begins Again

On Wednesday, May 22nd, my father died. It still doesn’t feel right. Maybe by the time I’m finished with this it will.

My father had been living with a degenerative neurological condition for a few years, and it recently became full-blown dementia. So, it had been coming. That and “I’m glad he’s not suffering anymore” are the main things you tell yourself in the aftermath. It’s true, of course. He had deteriorated rapidly and the last time I saw him he was barely even a human being anymore. I am glad he’s not “living” like that. But it still just felt like going through the motions of grief, like that’s what I was supposed to say and think and not just wish I had some more time with my dad.

A few people have asked if I was, among other things, angry. And I’ve never felt angry about it; I’m not even sure who to be angry with. God, I guess. I’m sure there’s a lot of blame that gets thrown at God in these situations. My dad took good care of himself, he was active for his age and, at least before he got too bad, was active socially, at least as active socially as any older man really is. So, who else but God could be at fault? I don’t know. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault. It, sadly, just is a thing that happened.

The first thing that triggered all of this was a stroke a few years ago. He worked hard to get back to where he was, but he never quite made it. One of the first things that changed was he started talking about his father a lot. When I was growing up, there may as well have been an omerta around my grandfather. I don’t know when I could firmly say I even knew what his first name was, but it’s a lot more recent than should be acceptable. But, that’s what you get when you disappear. I heard more about him in the last five years than the previous twenty-seven combined. Maybe going back to his youth brought him some solace. Or maybe he knew the end was coming and he was simply reflecting on his life. Either way, I’m glad he learned something from his father, even if it was what not to do. Thank you for being better than that.

The first few days after he passed, it felt like I was put in the middle of a desert and told to find water. All of a sudden I forgot how to do anything, all the life lessons and experience and coping mechanisms were gone. I was a kid again who needed dad to tell me what to do. Only he wasn’t there and now there was a giant hole in the middle of my body. The days went by and slowly that hole started to fill back up and I pushed away the awful images of him in his last days with the lifetime of memories we had together. Sending him off in the funeral helped. No wonder people have been doing it since people existed.

My dad loved sports. While stating the obvious, this website, and, really, nearly every aspect of my personality, wouldn’t exist without him. Baseball was the first sport that really clicked with me, and I could tell he was so excited that I loved something he loved. I have vague memories of the first time we went to a Red Sox game. It was probably in the 1998-2000 range, because I was praying Pedro was going to be pitching. I don’t think he was. They played the Mariners, only Ken Griffey Jr. wasn’t playing, either hurt or on the Reds. Jay Buhner was still there, steadfast. I’m almost certain the Red Sox lost, but that didn’t matter. I had been to Fenway Park.

I had the good fortune of discovering the joys of football just as the NFL kicked off its 2001 season. I was allowed to stay up late to watch the Super Bowl that year. After the game, my dad called my uncles in disbelief. I didn’t understand why until he started telling me how lucky I was to be witnessing all this and not being stuck in the dark ages of Sullivan Stadium. For the Super Bowl the next year, we sat on the floor eating burgers he cooked on his new George Foreman grill. They weren’t good and the game sucked, but I remember it all the same. My biggest regret in life is going to my friend Kevin’s house for his Super Bowl party in February 2008. The Pats never lost a Super Bowl my dad and I watched together.

When I moved out, whenever one of our teams won a championship the first thing I would do would be to call Dad. The Celtics are on the verge of winning the NBA Finals, and I’ll have no one to call. My dad loved basketball. He played it growing up and he was thrilled when I started playing. His favorite story to tell was how he was a dishwasher in Bob Cousy’s basketball camp. As his mind deteriorated, he lost interest in most of the things he used to enjoy. He didn’t watch a lot of sports the last few years of his life, and most of the time didn’t even know who was in the Super Bowl. Mercifully, that meant he wasn’t subjected to the great Mac Jones vs. Bailey Zappe quarterback controversy of 2023. One of the last real conversations we had about sports was how impressed he was with Jayson Tatum. I’d like to think he’s been following along.

Like anyone who’s had to see someone suffer through dementia, I’m finding it too easy to only think about his later days: the forgetfulness, the meandering, the odd mood swings, eventually the loss of motor skills. But that would be an insult to everything he left behind. My dad was a kind, generous man who gave everything he had to his family, his friends, and his work. I’ll choose to remember going camping and him setting up the tent all by himself. Or him embarrassing me by being friendly with random strangers in elevators. Or him yelling at my sister to hurry up and get ready since we were running late. Or his poker nights with his friends when he’d let me sit on his lap and ask questions. Or him telling me he was proud of me despite the fact I haven’t done a whole lot to earn it. Those all sound a lot better than choosing to remember the shell that was left behind.

When something like this happens, you get kind of a bubble around you. You’re in a different dimension. The world keeps spinning without you. Everyone is nice to you, people reach out, you exist in this weird state of half-living where you breathe and move and think but not really. But then, before you’re ready, the bubble pops. Life starts again. The boss who was supportive and understanding is a bastard again. Your car breaks down or your train is late. You’ve been a zombie and now there’s a bunch of gross food in the fridge you have to clean out. You have to reenter the world without your first role model (yes, even before Tom Brady). What do you do? I guess just kind of keep going step by step. Put in enough boring, pointless, soul crushing days at work and it won’t hurt as much anymore, right? That sounds pretty bleak. Making grandiose proclamations about all the things I’ll do and places I’ll visit just seems like a way to disappoint yourself. Is it too cliche to say just try to live? Like, metaphorically live not just literally. Find a way to put a smile on your face. Anyone who knows me knows I can be reclusive and reticent. My dad was always asking me to make more of an effort to engage with people, maybe that’s how I can try to honor his memory. Trying. It sounds so minimal and yet so daunting. Trying to be better. Trying to keep everything he taught me alive. Trying to live up to him. Trying to make sure that whenever we meet again, he’s still proud of me.

On Wednesday, May 22nd, my father died. It still doesn’t feel right. Maybe one day it will.

Happy Father’s Day to my dad and all the dads of the world.

Rest in Peace Michael Francis Curran. I love you.

How I’d Defeat Napoleon

There’s a new movie about Napoleon out, so everyone’s favorite diminutive dictator is back in the spotlight. We’re fawning over his military strategy, we’re loving how he saved France from collapse, we’re pretending to like the dessert named after him. I’m using the royal “we,” here, because it’s only all of you that are saying those things. I hate this ugly bastard, always have, and I’m extremely confident that, if I (or Mark Wahlberg) were around, there’s no way Napoleon even makes it to Waterloo.

Napoleon is the biggest swinging dick in the strategy world, but that’s only because he was planning against plumbers and firefighters. I have the almighty power of hindsight and the natural genetic superiority that comes with being born 223 years later. Sure, Napoleon popularized the idea that defeating your opponent quickly was a good thing, but I’d love to see him go undefeated in a Madden 12 season with Phil Rivers at QB while playing on All-Madden. His primitive brain would melt the second I put the controller in his hands. We’re not even gonna mention the fact that I’ve never lost a game of Risk. Luckily, this isn’t all just bluster. My time machine just got out of the shop, with enough juice to go back to the late 1700s and come home. Using this technology, I can correct one of the least satisfying aspects of world history and remove the period of time where France was a military power and empire. I present my infallible five-step plan to defeat Napoleon and save Jaoquin Phoenix’s IMDB average score, and we’re going to start at the very beginning.

Step 1: Steer Young Napoleon’s Upbringing- You probably expected me to just go the “kill the baby” route, but I’m avoiding that for a few reasons. First, I don’t need that kind of low-hanging fruit. Second, his dad was a lawyer, and getting prosecuted for killing a baby was a lot harsher in the 18th century than it is today. I can’t risk a time machine malfunction and get stuck 1769 to get drawn and quartered or whatever they were doing back then. Third, and most importantly, Napoleon’s family is just as much Italian as it is French. I don’t think I need to explain further, but let’s just say Italian’s carry long grudges. I don’t want to come back to this time only to find myself face-to-face with the Buonaparte family’s equivalent of Paulie Walnuts. Instead, we’ll take the more sensible path and pose as long-lost cousin Emilio Buonaparte who’s looking for work as a tutor for the neonate. I confess I’ve never been to Corsica but I have to think 18th century Corsican society was full of pretty gullible people.

Napoleon was mean, ambitious, obsessive, and cold-hearted, which probably meant his mom was really strict, or something. He definitely strikes me as a guy who has “offbeat” opinions about mother-son relations. Those personality traits are obviously good for a dictator, but they’re also great for a basement dwelling internet addicted troll. He was bullied in school and had no friends; there’s rage bubbling barely below the surface that is dying to get unleashed on racist message boards. To cultivate this, I’ll protect him from his annoying mom, I’ll make sure his dad actually shows up to his Warhammer sessions, become his BFF, the whole deal. Once I’ve got my claws in him, I’ll introduce him to the wild west. Napoleon is about as European as it gets, and there’s nothing chronically online Europeans love more than spending all their time criticizing minute parts of American culture. Using the magic of 5G, I’ll be able to slowly introduce him to the various inconveniences that would never plague European life. I’ll show him a picture of every delayed train in New York. “Wow, such a thing would never happen in Austria. Would make sense to just have them all come on time, no?” Tell him that it’s annoying how much more expensive Taco Bell is these days and he’ll reflexively counter with how much better Spain’s portion sizes are and call me fat, and probably ugly. In this stage of the mission I won’t show him his reflection just yet, I’ll break his confidence later. Then I’ll bring up that I had to wait over 45 minutes after showing up on time to my last doctor’s appointment, and, of course, he’ll know to say, “Wow, in Lithuania we all make 15,000 euros a year, eat turnip soup for every meal, and the government takes 80% of our salary in taxes, but my trip to physio only took 30 minutes and it was free. America sounds like a third world country.” When he’s mastered these basic responses, I’ll open the Reddit app and let him dive deep into the world of grievances. Within a month, he’ll be more defensive of European life than a Justin Herbert defender when you imply winning games might actually be a positive trait for a quarterback getting paid $262.5 million. He’ll be transfixed, unable to focus on his studies, his online anger slowly building. Now he’s ready for the true internet. You know Napoleon would be a QAnon guy. His mind is such fertile soil for conspiracy theories that it might only take a week or two before he’s blindly raging (online) about anything and everything, and certainly he’ll be able to connect the dots and see that the inept French government is attempting to fully seize Corsica and assimilate it into French culture. In fact, he’s so angry he’s actually getting off his ass and joining the military to fight for his home. Wait, that’s not what I want. Hmm, it might be time for phase two.

Step 2: Meet on the Battlefield and Demoralize Him- Instead of dwelling on my failure to prevent him from ever joining the military, I’ll just move on to the next stage of my plan. Sadly, once the ball gets rolling on the whole French Revolution thing, I won’t have a good chance to strike for a few years. My best bet will be to go to Italy (I am Emilio Buonaparte, after all), and hang out (avoid dying), slowly building a squad big enough to tangle with an official regiment. Once I tell them that everyone standing in straight lines shooting muskets at each other will just get everyone killed and that things like “cover” and “terrain” are good, they’ll be so impressed they’d follow me anywhere.

Napoleon’s first big boy campaign is in Sardinia, where he thinks he’ll be meeting some Italian farmers and Habsburg inbreds, but instead he’ll see me and my team of paisans. But my crew won’t need to fight, we’re going old school. I assume the first battle here took place in an open field for maximum casualties, so as Napoleon’s army is marching, I’ll walk to the middle of the field and call the little guy forth for a good old meeting of the minds. I’ll start by playing nice. I’m bringing a copy of Guns & Ammo back with me. I’ll give it to the little freak on two conditions: one, he can’t jerk off to it until after I’m a safe distance away. Two, he has to leave and retire. I’d be surprised if that worked, so we’ll just go with the real plan, and you can probably figure out where I’ll go with this.

You can tell me all you want about how he was regular sized for the time and all that, but the fact of the matter is he was 5’6″ at most. He was bullied for being short in that same time where he was supposedly not that short. The guy had insecurities miles deep. The second I stand over him menacingly he’ll freak out. The biggest test will actually be my own mental fortitude. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to alpha a little kid, but it’s pretty easy to feel bad and relent. I need to keep in mind how haughty the average Frenchman is to maintain my discipline (upon further review, maybe the true strategy was to go back and put Max Robespierre in my back pocket. Guy was 5’3″. I’d say shame on all those people who got guillotined if it happened anywhere else, but, no offense to the good people of Paris, it doesn’t surprise me they got dominated by a rogue member of the Vienna Boys’ Choir). After a few minutes of bullying from his former mentor, he’d either be crying in a corner as the old memories from the schoolyard come flooding back or he’ll be so titled that he’ll start acting rashly and recklessly. Realistically, my work is done either way, but let’s just play it out and say it didn’t work, Napoleon advanced with his army, thrashed my ragtag group, and continued as normal. That way, all this planning won’t have been for nothing.

Step 3: Use his Beloved Artillery to Defeat him at the Battle of the Pyramids- We’ve really only got one chance left to stop Napoleon before he becomes emperor, so me and my surviving crew are heading to Egypt, where France was invading for some reason. He must have been feeling all pissy about his annoying mom again or something, because he took it all out on the proverbial drywall that was Mamluk people. Flexed on them with his fancy divisional square technique. Obviously, our goal will be to break said formation. Again I can hear you. “Just use cavalry to break the front of it and send it scattering.”

Laughable. We’re not dealing with some undisciplined children here. What we’re gonna do is break them the old fashioned way: by blasting them with cannons. And not just any cannons (I know the plural is just cannon, but I’ve always hated that. It doesn’t sound right, so I don’t acknowledge it). Napoleon’s very own batch. These pitched battles are days long, so one night we’ll sneak into the French camp, probably slip some of the soldiers a $20 or two, and snag a few of Napoleon’s finest. Though my curiosity would be killing me, I won’t bring a blacklight with me to see just how much Napoleon loved his toys. Anyway, we’ll just hit the square with a couple of cannonballs and things will probably just end. Scourge vanquished, hoisted by his own petard, defeated by his former mentor, the whole thing. But if this ironclad strategy doesn’t totally pan out, I’ve still got more tricks up my sleeve.

Step 4: Befriend the Local Teens- If it gets to this point, you’d be right in calling me a bit of a failure. After all, the target is now emperor and off gallivanting through Europe starting wars for fun. At this point, he’s probably getting remembered no matter what. Some history professor at the University of Texas probably released a book about him in the 80s. But there’s still one thing left we can do to nip this all in the bud, and that involves befriending the countless youths in Paris. No matter the era, teens can take down anyone they set their sights on, and, not to spoil a movie about one of the most famous people in the history of the world, but Napoleon wasn’t exactly an awesome guy. Any teen worth their salt would have a TikTok campaign that would have him begging for his creepy mom in about ten seconds, and these aren’t normal teens. In 19th century France, 15 is the equivalent of 28 anywhere else since there was a revolution every other week.

Listen, he declared himself emperor. Pretty much the exact opposite of what the French Revolution was supposed to be about. That’s gotta be enough to get him out of there, but he also engaged in nepotism, which modern teens would tell you is far worse. I don’t think it’d be presumptuous to say if you brought a camera to any of his countless battlefields, he probably did something bad. We could easily build a social media campaign around him killing someone who surrendered, and I don’t mean one of his own guys. I’ll even plant the seed by writing the first thinkpiece and passing it out like one of the pamphlets everyone was obsessed with back then. “You know, when you really think about it, having a warlord for an emperor when we just overthrew the monarchy like two seconds ago is actually bad.” The teens would distribute it, and pretty soon all the aristocrats would be feeling awkwardly guilty and would do just about anything to make the feeling go away, most notably oust the emperor. I’ll have my core group of teenagers, but, like a pyramid scheme, they’d spread their righteous fury among their little friends fast enough to get a real movement going. There’d be the annoying stick-in-the-mud conservative teen that tries to act like he’s 43, but we’ll ignore that group. Besides, half of them probably died in the last revolution, anyway. My force of naive, burning heart youngers will take on anyone. Sure, he’s got the entire military, but I’ll have enough youths frothing at the mouth to overcome that. Whether a forcible removal or a quiet exit due to overwhelming public shame, Napoleon’s Elba era would begin sooner than expected. I’d be spearheading the very first cancellation (almost puked writing that, but including the word cancel guarantees an extra 200 million rage clicks), and when I returned home there’d be a statue of me in front of the Washington Post, only people would finally be asking whether or not this random guy who didn’t really do anything is worthy of an expensive statue that could easily be melted down to create bespoke pocket watches that can be sold for $1500 each on Etsy. I know this part of the plan seems flimsy, and I admit it is, but it’s like the fourth option, and if it gets to this stage I’ll be in desperation mode. If, somehow, this Hail Mary doesn’t pay off and I’m left looking like a fool, I’ll have to resort to the final, break-glass-in-case-of-emergency option.

Step 5: Just Go Back and Kill him as a Baby

The Brian in (Early) Winter

Hello. Not sure if you remember me. My name is Brian, creator of briansden69.com. I’ll forgive you if it’s not ringing any bells. It’s been a while since I’ve been here.

The great thing about writing is that even though I’ve wanted to write this for ages and started and stopped and rewrote and deleted and walked away and came back about ten trillion times, when you read this none of that matters. All that sputtering never happened, and this is the first or (for whatever reason) second or third time you’ve seen it because it only started existing for anyone besides me the second I hit publish. And, since you’re reading this, it means I did hit publish, which makes me happy. Little victories count, too.

So, what did I miss? Anything? You’re demanding to know where I’ve been? Well, I wish the answer was more exciting. Truth is I got kinda tired of it. Not writing in general, maintaining the site just seemed like more work than it was worth. Or maybe I was a little discouraged and burnt out because, and not that I’m scoffing at my loyal readers, here, it hadn’t really led to anything after a few years. I had some growth, but not a ton. I was never discovered, I never had my movie moment where I got called up to the big leagues. But it’s not like I was curing cancer, or anything, so burnt out is probably the wrong phrase. I guess I was just kind of out of it creatively. Lost the fire to blog for the love of the game. But, about a month after my last post previewing the 49ers-Chiefs Super Bowl (feels like ten lifetimes ago), I had something planned that was going to launch me out of my comfort zone and kickstart a new era of Brian’s Den. A two-week trip to Japan, decades in the making. It was going to be one of the greatest experiences of my life and check off the number one item on my bucket list. Wait, why am I saying was? Oh, right. My flight was scheduled to depart March 24, 2020. The world stopped a few days earlier.

Outside the loss of my trip, the Quarantine Era was amazing for me. Feels a little scummy to say, but I got out of it with my health intact, and none of my friends or family got seriously sick. This scenario was out of a wet dream of mine, minus the terrifying threat to human life: you couldn’t go outside, I was getting paid not to work, endless free time, being alone was strongly encouraged. No one has ever been more in their element. It would have been a great opportunity to do something on the site. But, after a week or two of binging video games and doing nothing because this was only going to last a little while so might as well enjoy this weirdness, I forced myself to get to work on my books rather than the site. It’s just what felt right. I think it’s safe to say I had time for both, but, oh well. I apologize for depriving you.

I wrote a lot. Between the start of the pandemic until now, I finished a book, did a full revision of said book, wrote a short story, wrote another book, finished a revision of said other book, and am currently in the middle of a second revision of said other book. For someone not getting paid to do it and not getting all that close to publishing, I think that’s decent output. Even if it feels like I’m banging my head against the wall at times. Some days it’s easy to tell myself the success is coming. Some days it’s hard.

What else happened? I quit my job that I hated. Was unemployed for a while. My new job is only slightly better, but it pays a lot more. Could be worse. I could be Roger Maris, Jr.

Believe it or not, I have a girlfriend now. In fact, we’ve been together for two years and just moved in together. She’s made my life better in every way. I know all of you thought it was impossible, but I hope all of you still value my opinion on all loser-related matters. I showed the paragraph about how I treated the pandemic to the Loser Council and they say my bona fides hearing is still looking promising.

I traveled a bit. More than usual, anyway. Went to Austin twice. Went to L.A. for the first time as an adult. Went to Upstate New York a few times. All the hip places. I was tempted to make more videos, but it never really came together. The second time in Austin was for South by Southwest, and I got a badge that said Brian’s Den on it. I really should have made a video. Austin is great, and I could honestly see myself living there, or selling out and moving to Hollywood. People forget Harrison Ford didn’t break out until he was, like, 35.

Right. That happened, too. I turned 30.

Turning 30 is a weird event. You step out of the realms of the young, but are denied access to the realms of the old. Purgatory on Earth. And, like the metaphysical Purgatory, entering this fourth decade of life triggers a lot of reflection. Have I achieved what I wanted to? Am I on track to succeed in the future? Have I been a good person? Does anyone else in the entire world care that I’m grappling with my own aging? Probably not, because, hard as it is to believe, they’re all going through the exact same thing.

In the leadup to my birthday, I was staring into the void almost nightly. I still do every now and then. Probably will forever. Who doesn’t? On the bad days when I was practically living in the void, I would default to one of my favorite bad habits: comparing myself to others. I have the great pleasure of coming from a particularly accomplished and talented high school graduating class. There are engineers and medical professionals and tech wizards and people working overseas and podcasters and artists and parents and even my friend who made Forbes’ 30 Under 30 and countless other amazing journeys. A lot of great accomplishments. It was hard to measure up when I was looking at my life, because it really felt like I hadn’t really done much. That is, unless you count putting like 400 hours into Fire Emblem: Three Houses, 100%ing Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey, nearly singlehandedly funding both the Pokemon Company and Wizards of the Coast, eating roughly 1,000,000,000 hot dogs in my life, and creating some of the most legendary posts, videos, and Instagram food reviews in history as not much. But then the good days come and you realize none of that matters whatsoever. Jeff Bezos got a divorce. Doesn’t that tell you everything you need to know? There’s no escape from the trials and tribulations of human life. Whatever I’ve lacked professionally I more than make up for in every other aspect of life: I have a loving family, the best friends anyone’s ever had, a great relationship, multiple enriching hobbies, I like where I live, and the Yankees still haven’t won a World Series since 2009. What is there to complain about? Again, I could have Roger Maris, Jr.’s life. Listen, don’t ask me where this ray of sunshine came from, I’m not sure, either. But I’m glad it’s there. It’s helping me (somewhat) embrace this next chapter.

Of course, there’s a bit of a roadblock in my journey to Nirvana. Like most boys, my childhood hero was an athlete. Unlike most 30-year-olds, my childhood hero is still playing, and seems to be willing to sacrifice everything in order to do so. Tom Brady nearly brought me back. First when he left the Pats, then when he won the Super Bowl with the Bucs, then when he retired, then when he unretired two seconds later. I actually felt guilty not writing a tribute to him. But I think he’s doing alright without me. Or maybe he’s not. It’s been a trying stretch for our pal Tom. Stupid family trying to get in the way of football. We all know how that is. But lost in the endless waves of mockery and belittling and thinkpieces (Everyone takes Giselle’s side, I’m not here to debate the dissolution of a marriage that I have nothing to do with, and I get that a dangerous sport like football puts an entirely different spin on things, but, I don’t know, maybe he just wants to keep playing? Doesn’t what he want matter just as much as what his wife wants? I already feel like I’m wading into deep water, here. Keep it moving.) is some jarring cognitive dissonance: the GOAT, the ultimate Alpha, has lost his way. He’s got nothing left to gain or prove whatsoever, and yet he can’t walk away. I don’t think I’m going too armchair psychologist here to say he’s probably scared of the next step in his life. A lot of athletes do, there’s no roadmap for life after pro sports and society loses its interest quickly when you’re not lacing them up every week. But Brady seems even more extreme. He’s got his sniveling witch doctor Alex Guerrero whispering in his ear, convincing him he can fight off the sunset. He’s got….. whatever is happening with his face. He disappears for days at a time. Tom, if you’re reading this, and I know you are, you need someone in your corner. Like, actually in your corner. Not a hanger-on, not a sycophant, not Grima Wormtongue who interned at an Equinox and thinks he’s a fitness expert, a friend. Tom, I’ll be your friend. I’m not asking for anything, I don’t need anything. I just want to see you thrive. We need to rediscover what your goals are. You’ve made it to 45. You’ve won more titles than anyone ever will, unless you count the theoretical championships Aaron Rodgers would have won if he just played well when it mattered one single time. You, well, had a picturesque family that you forced to eat and act like maniacs. What are we after? What’s the point of playing when you have every record imaginable? Is it because you have something to prove to yourself? That’s fine, we just need to let people know that. Do you secretly need money? That’s also fine, we just need to not let people know that, unless Guerrero stole it, then we definitely go public. Are you so addicted to the process and following your dream that you’d rather die than give it up? Well, to a much less single-minded degree, I know exactly how you feel. Tom, getting older doesn’t mean giving up. I know you’re still playing better than like, 95% of NFL QBs. Football is a taxing, dangerous game. You’ve had one major knee surgery already, want another one? We know the concussion risks. Maybe we transition to a new phase. Or maybe we just keep playing forever. But it has to be what you want. Not Giselle, not any front office, not any teammates, not any snake oil salesmen. What does Tom want? I’ll help you find out, buddy. We can get old together.

The future can be exciting.

I’m planning on going to Japan next year.

Life is good.

Alright, enough of this overly serious and self-important reflection. It’s been a long two years and I’ve got some takes that were clogging up the chamber. Gotta purge them so new opinions can form:

  • Everyone’s talking football analytics incessantly, and I wish they wouldn’t. I used to be a huge numbers guy. Used to love ’em. And I still appreciate advanced stats and making more informed decisions in sports! But it’s so insufferable, now. Everything needs to be framed through the lens of analytics, and all analytics means in NFL discussions is being aggressive on fourth down and two-point conversions. And you HAVE to have an opinion, or else! The only problem is, no normal people like talking about it whatsoever. But we have to be bombarded with the endless debates starting on Monday morning, typically centered around a team that went for it on a fourth down that in previous years teams probably wouldn’t have. If you’re a pro-analytics guy, you have to smugly explain that the thought process was infallible, results-oriented thinking is stupid (even though, again, these discussions only happen when the result is negative, and it’s negative 70% of the time), and that if you disagree you’re a combination of a neanderthal and Hitler, while insulting everyone’s intelligence along the way. If you’re anti-analytics guy, you have to stuff the nerds in the locker, say the only true way to make decisions is with your gut, preparation is for cowards, and that if you disagree, you’re a pansy and a fool. And I hate being on the Old School side, but when the anaytics mafia is a legion of smarmy, insanely haughty media members like Bill Barnwell, Warren Sharp, and an infinite number of 5’8″, 140 lbs white guys who despise football even though they write about it and how horrible and stupid everyone involved with it is, I can’t help but want to see morons like Brandon Staley fail spectacularly. I don’t hate analytics. Smart teams and aggressive coaches are good for the game. I just hate the way it’s presented. Like, hey, generic PFF writer, nobody gives a shit about your models. Why do we need models? This is FOOTBALL! It’s 22 guys banging into each other for three hours! What about it screams that we need to think about it in a “smart” way? Why do I even have to know what a football model is? Why do I have to get talked down to buy someone who jerks off into a spreadsheet? I know I’m fighting against the rising tide, here, but, like, why couldn’t we have football? Why does everything need to be optimized and homogenized and killed by data? Why can’t anything stay fun?
  • Speaking of analytics, when Mac Jones (I’m lukewarm) went down a few weeks ago, I was dying for Bailey Zappe to get in. College gunslinger with a live arm sounds better than Hoyer for the thousandth time. And when he trotted onto the field for the first time, I was fired up. Until I realized it was pronounced zap-py and not zap. He went from Brady 2.0 to Matt Flynn 2.0 in the blink of an eye. A real shame.
  • Aaron Judge, blah blah, whatever. Good season. I was just pumped I finally had a Yankee figure to despise again. Don’t know if you picked up on it, but I hate Roger Maris, Jr. I’ve never seen a bigger loser, and that included the creatures that show up to Yankee Stadium with a replica jersey unbuttoned to the belly button, three gold chains, a horrible haircut, and an ill-fitting hat. I hadn’t been following him before people randomly decided to start caring about the American League home run record, but what an unbelievable dweeb. “Oh, the clean record!” “Oh, my dad is the real record holder!” “Oh, my dad could beat up your dad!” Hey, loser, let me throw some sabermetrics at you: 73 is more than 61. 73 is the home run record. Get out of here with that “clean record” nonsense. Have you seen your precious dad’s stats? Only one season ever going over 40 homers! How the hell do we know he wasn’t doing whatever atrocious drugs they were doing back then? And Aaron Judge looks like a Marvel character! How shocking would it be if he was mixing HGH into his milkshakes? What a goober. And he just kept showing up! He has no qualifications other than being born and we had to see him every single day because Judge got cold. I’d ask what he told his boss to get such amazing treatment, but I know his only occupation is fellating his dead father. Roger Maris, Jr., get off my screen forever!
  • A few weeks into the pandemic, I finally got past the first area of Bloodborne. I’ve played it two or three times since. Absolute Mt. Rushmore-level game.
  • I got really into baking, too. Not to brag, but I’ve got a real knack for it. If only I was British, then I’d be able to dominate the tent and rack up the Hollywood Handshakes at will. Alas. I’ll settle for eating whatever I make. Maybe I should start briansdenbaking69.com and sell some stuff. Stand mixers are highly seeded in the Best Inventions Ever bracket.
  • I’ve always been a pepperoni guy, everyone knows this, but I’ve become a bit of a snob: if it’s not EZZO pepperoni (or whatever cupped pepperoni brand you choose) and there’s not about three pounds of it per slice, I don’t want it. That’s not true. I do want it. But the whole time I’m eating it I’ll be thinking it could be better. Then reach for another slice.
  • Watched a ton of Survivor. It’s really addicting when you’re in the mood for it. My GOATs? Boston Rob, Coach, Tony, and Yul. Based on recent casting, I think it’s safe to say I’m not getting the call, but if I ever did go to the Island, I would make it my mission to not be the first person voted out. That’s it. Once I clear the first vote, everything will fall into place, and it’ll be way less embarrassing to get kicked off. Step one: don’t be the alpha at camp, telling everyone what to do and making people mad. Has never worked once. Step two: don’t be the worst at the first challenge. Might be a coin flip, but I just need someone to be worse than me to draw everyone’s ire if we’re at tribal. Step three: don’t mention my YouTube channel or Instagram page. No need to spur any jealousy. Step four: be at least somewhat in the loop. If I’m not, I’ll know I’m on the chopping block. After that, whatever happens, happens.
  • I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Ben Simmons isn’t a foxhole guy
  • I despise Brandon Staley. I haven’t hated a coach like this in any sport in a long time, and I don’t think I’ll be hating for too much longer. A monkey could do what he does. He’s the ultimate example of the snarky talking head’s fantasy: a coach who’s such a slave to the analytics he loses the ability to think for himself. “Oh, it’s fourth and 11 from out own 24? Let’s go deep!” And then the media proclaims him the greatest thing since sliced bread. But now, stop me if you’ve heard this before, the Chargers are failing to live up to expectations and his idiocy is being put on display every week. Hey, coach, maybe a balance? Maybe use the advanced numbers and, you know, actual coaching and game-managing ability together? I just hate how this analytic circle jerk has removed all consequences for coaches. If you want to be aggressive, be aggressive. Don’t do it out of cowardice because you think it’s what the dweebs in the media want you to do. Again, I ask, why did football have to become “smart?” Who enjoys this?
  • I know I try all of these things, but the new Papa Bowl from Papa John’s sounds absolutely awful. Someone should get fired.
  • This has just become “I’m old and hate the way football is talked about now,” but I can’t stand the new trend of referring to position groups as “the _ room” like we’re on the coaching staff or something. Saying “the Bengals have a really improved d-line room” doesn’t make you sound informed, it makes you sound lame. Same for like QB1 or WR2 or whatever. Bring back Sean Salisbury and Herm Edwards so we can laugh at the dumb things they used to say.
  • If you asked me last year about the NFL’s new jersey number rules, I probably would have had a rant ready about how confusing it is, especially when the Cardinals had 1-9 on the field at once it seemed, but now it’s kind of whatever. Funny how the minor changes seem so big in the moment but given time no one cares anymore. What’s that? I spent a few thousand words whining about football changing? Umm, let’s move on.
  • The Jets don’t deserve Sauce Gardner.
  • I’m sick of the gambling talk, man. Not from everyone, I guess. Hell, picking games against the spread is something I did every week. But now that gambling is so widespread and the leagues are completely in bed with sportsbooks (work that one out, lawyers), it’s just so saturated and I’m just over it. Every pundit now has to pretend to care and give out inane parlays and picks and it’s bordering on fantasy picks. It used to be a fun wrinkle when you found someone that talked gambling. Now it’s suffocating.
  • I can’t remember if I ever talked about the depressing last season of Game of Thrones or not. It sucked. House of the Dragon is pretty good. It pleases me.
  • I love Jokic, but I’m rooting for him not to win MVP this year. The Nash-ification has already begun: public perception of a player becomes so soured because they won back-to-back “undeserved” MVPs over “cooler” candidates that they’ve become severely underrated. I know the Nuggets aren’t winning the championship this year, and so do you. Another playoff exit for the controversial MVP pick would be a horrific look. Plus, everyone’s tired of voting for him and the discourse, so I don’t think either Jokic or Embiid have a shot at winning MVP unless they put up 40-25-10 on 60/55/90% while winning 68 games, or something.
  • Celtics… well, umm, yeah. Making the Finals was sweet. Forget who was coaching them, though.
  • As a Steph Curry hipster, I was glad that he was the one that beat the Celtics, at least. I still can’t believe he’s become a legit all-timer. Most fun guy to watch play in my post-pubescent life.
  • Bucks win the title this year. Book it.
  • There are downsides, obviously, but basketball feels so much more fun to talk about than football or baseball, now. Football because of the beginnings of the data revolution and baseball because of the end of it. I still love baseball but it’s been completely solved. Outside of the playoffs there’s no drama and barely any variance or excitement. Am I a dummy for wanting so see a speedy centerfielder who hits one homer a year but steals a million bases? Because that guy doesn’t exist anymore. The Adam Dunn .210/45 homers/103 walk/185 strikeout season used to be so much more charming. Once again I ask: who enjoys this? Front office people and the handful of media members who turned numbers into their personality? What about the other 99% of the people who care about sports? God, I’m doing way too much complaining about analytics, aren’t I? New Baby Hitler rankings 1. Hitler 2. Zuckerberg 3…. Bill James?
  • After four long years of being in the only area of New York City that had no easy access to a Wendy’s, my new apartment has one that’s a feasible distance away. Things really are going my way.
  • Gerrit Cole is a baby with a stinky diaper.
  • We need to inject some positivity into this. How about this? I like how it seems like young players in every sport come in with more confidence and personality than ever before. We need more characters.
  • More dangerous object in a practice: A Russell Westbrook brick or Draymond Green’s fist?
  • I’m kinda going through the motions with the MCU these days. I don’t really watch the shows and the post-Endgame movies haven’t gotten my blood pumping. They started coming out at the perfect phase of my life, and it was such a tidy ending. Eventually I’ll miss a release and my life won’t be affected whatsoever.
  • Not sure what the best movie I’ve seen since the pandemic started, but I know it wasn’t F9. That was an insult to the Family and Paul Walker.
  • Maybe Top Gun: Maverick.
  • I’m running out of takes, so if I don’t think of anything else, it wasn’t important enough to write down. I’m not sure what this site will be going forward. It might just be me hopping on whenever I have some time or an opinion or something to talk about. Maybe it’ll be more or less frequent. But it won’t be two years.
  • Final take: inflation stinks and I wish it was reversed.

Super Bowl LIV Preview

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Greetings from Miami. I’ve been down here for about a week now, just living the South Beach lifestyle. Don’t think I’ve worn anything besides an all-white suit with an electric pink shirt since I landed, and no one’s called me out on it because we’re all wearing the same white Lacoste loafers with no socks. All I do all day is wait for a table at Prime 112 and go to LIV and tear the dancefloor to shreds. Maybe think about going to the beach, but instead I’ll just stare into the window at Joe’s Stone Crab hoping to see Andy Reid crushing some crab claws, then try to join him at his table so we can talk Hawaiian shirts only to be told multiple times by the maître d’ that it’s just a normal big guy with a mustache and that I have to leave. But that’s just Miami life, though. I don’t think I’ll ever leave. I’m addicted to LIV. Apparently the NFL is, too, because they’re playing the Super Bowl there. What’s that? It’s not at LIV, it’s just Super Bowl LIV? Oh, okay. That’s dumb. Pretty huge missed opportunity, if you ask me.

I’ve barely even noticed the NFL has been here, to be honest. This is the most nothing build-up to a Super Bowl in history. No storylines. No drama. Terrible, terrible, terrible circumstances putting the game itself on the backburner of everyone’s mind. Maybe I’m just not watching enough coverage, but the only talking point I’m actually getting sick of is that there’s nothing to talk about (don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it). This is exactly why all of you are gonna miss the Pats when it’s 100% over (sorry, I tried). The leadup is never boring when the Pats are involved because everyone goes over the top to try and vilify them in increasingly preposterous ways. These two teams show up and everyone spends two weeks going, “man, Mahomes and Kittle are really good. Could go either way. Yeah. Hey, did you know Mike Shanahan is Kyle Shanahan’s father?” It’s a complete snoozefest. Credit to Frank Clark for trying to singlehandedly bring some spice to the proceedings, but wearing a sweatshirt with Kanye and Trump on it and then tweeting out that people are trying to draw attention away from the game, while hilariously asinine, can only go so far. If the Chiefs win, people will try and tell me Travis Kelce is better than Gronk, the man Kelce has put every fiber of his being into emulating, but Gronk would rather be dead than be as boring as Kelce was during media day. It’s been so terrible that it’s convinced me this game is going to be awesome. Because if it’s a stinker, historians will come to the consensus that this game never even happened when they look back on the entirety of the NFL in 15 100 years. We’re in for some fireworks, folks. Literally. There will be a lot of pyrotechnics in the pregame and halftime shows. The game will be good, too. So get locked in and find a place to watch the game where no one is just there for the commercials.

San Francisco 49ers vs Kansas City Chiefs (-1.5)

Normally, when I say looking at stats for a game is pointless and you just have to follow your gut, I’m just being lazy. But here, I mean it. This is a tale as old as time. I’m pretty sure the first football game ever somehow featured the best, most explosive offense in the league lead by a transcendent QB going against the best all-around team with a solid defense. And every time but once, literally one time in the history of the world, the defense won. And more often than not, they completely smash the opposition, either on the scoreboard (Seahawks-Broncos, shoutout Malcolm Smith) or mentally (Pats-Falcons, in which the Falcons held a 28-3 lead late in the third quarter and proceeded to lose. Shoutout Kyle Shanahan). Now, the Niners defense isn’t quite at the level of some of the all-time greats, but it’s still arguably the best in the league and they just completely shut down Aaron Rodgers, who some of you want to tell me is the GOAT. So, in my mind, they qualify for this distinction. In this eternal matchup, they represent the long line of teams that are actually good at everything. By right, they should win. But no one in history, not even the 2007 Patriots, had Patrick Mahomes (the second you finish reading this sentence, the entire blog will be deleted from your memory forever). And he’s just so hard to pick against, man. Every second is a war when you’re facing him. You could play a perfect 58 minutes giving up nothing and he’ll still find a way to score 35. This offense is stupid and impossible to stop. There’s going to be a point in the game where the Chiefs rattle off 14-21 unanswered points and the entire 2019 NFL season will be put on Jimmy G’s chiseled shoulders. I love Jimmy G and wish it had all unfolded differently (not in a don’t trade him sense, in a let’s live in magic Christmas land where no one gets paid money or wants to play sense), but I’m just not sure he’s got the ten straight key passes the Niners will need. I’m rooting for San Fran. I want the Niners to win and for George Kittle to be rightly recognized as the Scion of Gronk. And I know I’m just falling into the same trap everyone always falls into and then wonders why they thought this is the time the offense won. But Kansas City wins, finally getting Andy Reid his place at the table.

Pick: Chiefs -1.5

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Bonus Super Bowl Prop Bets

  • Demi Lovato National Anthem: Over 1:55 -220
  • Coin Toss: Heads -105
  • Will opening Kickoff Be a Touchback: No +130
  • How Many Times Will A-Rod Be Shown During the Halftime Show: Under .5 -145
  • What Color Liquid Will Be Poured on Winning Coach: Lime/Green/Yellow +450
  • Andre Dummond Rebounds -105 over Raheem Mostert Rushing Attempts
  • Super Bowl MVP: Patrick Mahomes +115
  • Who Will Super Bowl MVP Mention First: City +550
  • Tied Again After 0-0: Yes -200
  • Will There be a Flea Flicker Attempted: Yes +165

NFL Championship Round Picks

NFL: AFC Divisional Round-Houston Texans at Kansas City Chiefs

Folks…. there are only three football games left until August. I hate to be the one to break that to you, but it’s my duty to be honest with my audience. More honesty- I don’t know what to do with myself this week. This is the first time since the 2011 season the Patriots aren’t in the AFC Championship Game. How do you normals deal with this? I need the pit in my stomach. I need to feel the Sword of Damocles hanging above my head every second of the day. Instead I have to what, spend the day normally then watch two football games I’m not overly invested in? That sounds horrible. Where’s the meaning in such a thing? You’re telling me the Super Bowl will be the same way, too? And the game starts even later, so I’ll have to waste time without the anxiety? What a terrible start to 2020 this has been. Luckily, I’m 8-0 in the playoffs, which is the only thing salvaging this cursed month. No chance I don’t keep the momentum going this week. Want the most likely Super Bowl Matchup? Just keep reading to find out.

All lines from Bovada.

Tennessee Titans at Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5)

The Titans won back in November when they played in Smashville, and surely absolutely nothing has changed since then. That’s not actually much of a joke. Look at the box score of that game. Notice anything abnormal? Chiefs outgained them by 150+ yards and Derrick Henry DOMINATED which is… exactly what happened to the Ravens last week. And the Pats the week before. The Chiefs’ D has gone through a weird transformation this season from scapegoat to underrated to so underrated they’re overrated, but Chris Jones might not play, and if he does, he’ll be limited. He’s their best defensive lineman. It’s bad if your best defensive lineman can’t go against Derrick Henry. Just a hot take I’ve developed. If we visualize what this game will be, why can’t the Titans just grind out another crazy win? Why can’t they stiffen at just the right moments to keep their opponent from really doing what they want to do? Why can’t Tannehill avoid mistakes and ride the Henry wave again? Barring injury, Derrick Henry is going to get 35+ carries and 180+ yards. It’s just what’s going to happen. Why wouldn’t that just result in another Titans win? Why can’t Vrabel and the boys just do what they’ve done every other week and punch the Chiefs in the mouth? Because there’s another side to this equation, and what would happen if the Chiefs score 14 in the first quarter? What happens if the Titans are down two scores in the second half? Or what if the Mahomes just doesn’t feel like being stopped? I’m not sure the Titans really have a backup plan. They’ve got one way, and if it doesn’t work, uhhh… GG. I love the Titans. I love Henry and I love Mikey V. But they’re up against the most powerful man in the NFL. If it’s not perfect, they’ll get wiped out. Believe me, this isn’t what I want.

Pick: Chiefs -7.5 😉

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Green Bay Packers at San Francisco 49ers (-7.5)

Listen, if I had my druthers, the Super Bowl would be Titans-49ers to ensure the Patriots’ legacy never dies. If the NFL had its druthers, it would surely be Chiefs-Packers to coincide with the NFL 100 celebration. It’ll be somewhere in the middle because I guarantee, I personally guarantee the Niners will win. I’m talking the biggest lock I’ve ever put out. The first-ever Brian’s Den 69th Degree Ultra-Mega Lock. Not because the Niners SMASHED the Packers the last time they played, not because the Niners are the most complete team remaining, and definitely not because the Packers haven’t played a good four quarters since 2011. It’s because, as we know, Aaron Rodgers is from Northern California. According to this handy map I have, Levi’s Stadium is also in the northern half of California. That means that not only will Aaron Rodgers be in the same state as his family, he’ll be in the same general geographic region. Theoretically, his parents could go to this game. Rodgers’ untethered rage at the mere thought of someone sharing DNA with him witnessing him play football in person will completely throw him off. Multiple picks from Rodgers, a billion yards from Kittle, and an ugly, ugly scene in Wisconsin.

Pick: Niners -7.5

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NFL Division Round Picks

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I think, sadly, we can finally say it; it’s unquestionably, unequivocally, 100% certainly over. At 12:00 AM this morning, my birthday ended. Didn’t get that new GameBoy Advance SP, didn’t get fifty unopened packs of Yu-Gi-Oh cards, didn’t even get a puppy. The only things I got were the sobering revelations that I’m one year closer to the grave (maybe this is a happy revelation?) and that my life has been mostly meaningless to this point and is approaching the point where it might just kind of be meaningless forever and a bunch of McDonald’s. A good birthday, all things considered. But it’s in the past now, and it’s time to move on. Oh, what’s that? You thought I was going to say something else was over? Surely not the twenty-year dynasty that’s won six Super Bowls and is guaranteed* to bring back the greatest player in NFL history, right? No one would be so foolish as to say that’s over. You can’t win every year, and I’d rather lose to Vrabel than Andy Reid. If you’re burying the Pats, good luck next season.

I should probably talk about the teams that are actually still eligible for the Lombardi Trophy this year, shouldn’t I? Some are saying eight teams are still alive. Many more still are saying that, theoretically, any of those eight could win the title. We’re smart, though, so we know that only one of them will. And, as I showed by going 4-0 last week, I’ve always got my finger directly on the pulse of the NFL playoffs. Divisional round can be a little weird when the Wild Card round had upsets because there’s a lingering hope that’s typically reserved only for college tournaments. There’s a reason scrappy 6-seeds don’t usually fare well in the playoffs (spoiler alert), but every few moons one catches lightning in a bottle. Could this year provide us with two 6-seeds in the conference championship? Whomst among us could say? Me, that’s who. I’m sorry, I know my heart isn’t totally in it, anymore, so sue me. Remember last year when my favorite team won the Super Bowl? That was nice. All lines from Bovada.

Minnesota Vikings at San Francisco 49ers (-7)

Not to keep using the exact same logic I do whenever I pick against the Vikings, but, like, come on. Kirk Cousins isn’t going to the NFC Championship Game, right? Well, nothing’s stopping him from buying a ticket. However, there is a universe where everything goes wrong for the Niners. I love Jimmy G, but he can be shaky. Worse than shaky, honestly. And the Vikings allowed only one receiving touchdown to opposing tight ends all year. George Kittle has a case for being the best offensive player in football, but if Jimmy’s nervous and the Vikings quadruple team him, there’s not a whole lot he’ll be able to do. Vikings could play ball control, avoid mistakes, yada yada yada. If the Niners score early and calm everyone down, it’s over. They’re too good, even if the Vikings are better than your typical 6-seed. The best case the Vikings have is the pact Bud Grant made with whatever cosmic entity presides over Minnesota that dictates the Vikings can only lose in the most heartbreaking way imaginable. Losing on the road in San Fran isn’t heartbreaking. Losing to the Packers in the NFC Championship Game would be. Even though it spits in the frozen god’s face, I’ll die before I pick Kirk on the road in the playoffs.

Pick: Niners -7

Washington Redskins v San Francisco 49ers

Tennessee Titans at Baltimore Ravens (-10)

Listen, the path is there. Maybe I’m imagining it because I really, really want it to be true, but the path is there for the Titans to win. Score early, give Derrick Henry the ball 60 times, hold on for dear life. Maybe Lamar will be nervous or forget to show up at the stadium on time? It’s just not realistic. Ravens are an absolute wagon. Mikey V will do his damndest to keep the Pats’ streak of AFC Championship Game appearances going by proxy, but there’s just too much to overcome. Titans put up a good fight, Ravens pull away late.

Pick: Ravens -10

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Houston Texans at Kansas City Chiefs (-9.5)

The Texans randomly won in Kansas City earlier this year, but they’re not about to do it again. People forget Andy Reid doesn’t lose after byes. Chiefs are too hot right now. Too good on defense, Mahomes is quietly (somehow, although next week don’t be surprised if the “quietly” part of it becomes an annoying subplot that gets beaten to death) nearly as good as he was last year when he was one of the best QBs of all time, too big of a coaching disparity. Never say Deshaun absolutely can’t win, but this AFC Championship matchup seems destined to happen.

Pick: Chiefs -9.5

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Seattle Seahawks at Green Bay Packers (-4)

All home teams winning? Sounds boring. Good thing the Seahawks are here to shake things up. People are too focused on Tom Brady and Drew Brees to realize that Aaron Rodgers STINKS now. He’s terrible, the Packers’ offense is terrible, Matt LaFleur is getting familial-levels of ire on the sideline. I freaking hate Aaron Rodgers, man. I know it’s impossible for the Seahawks to blow anyone out, but all I want is for Rodgers to play like he has all season in front of a national audience so everyone can finally come to grips with the fact that he’s not good anymore. Time to bring back the old question “what’s wrong with Aaron Rodgers?” He lost in the playoffs yet again, that’s what’s wrong with him. This is a big-time “man, the Seahawks just can’t get anything going. Russell Wilson looks a little lost out there. Still, Packers only up six” game. Expect a lot of dejected owners in the stands during the fourth quarter.

Pick: Seahawks +4

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NFL Wild Card Picks

Miami Dolphins v New England Patriots

Hello, my name is Brian, and I’m new to Wild Card Weekend. I’ve watched from afar, casually crushing pizza and wings, chuckling to myself as the league’s best bad teams play in games they think actually matter. I used to find it adorable and exciting, but now I’ve been dragged down into the mud. Now I’m the one who has to scratch and claw for every first down as I shout to the void that my team has a chance next week against the best teams in the conference. Now I’ve got to feel like every other fan in the world, living and dying with every play of the preliminary playoff round no one cares about, knowing death awaits next week. Now I’ve got to *shudders* watch old Giants highlights to try and convince myself it can be done. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. How do all of you heathens live like this? It’s the first week of January, and I’m stressed out about a football game. What? My birthday hasn’t even happened yet and I’m worried about the end of all things. This is absurd, and I would like something done about it. I’m sure the league will be willing to swap the Pats’ and Chiefs’ seedings, right? Do a quick favor for everyone’s favorite franchise? No? Okay.

Literally all the fun has been sapped out of this weekend for me, but there’s a chance everyone else in America will look back on January 4th, 2020 as something resembling V-J Day. I’ll save my thoughts on that for later. But for everyone without a rooting interest, Wild Card Weekend is the perfect appetizer. Get a taste of playoff action before the big boys show up. Let the young teams on the rise and surprising stories get one last moment in the sun. Warm your digestive system up for the relentless assault it will have to endure over the next month with all the beer and snacks and fried food and pizza and whatever else you prefer (there are no wrong answers in gameday grazing unless it’s a vegetable-based non-dip/finger food offering) (And keep your wine away from my NFL you filthy hipster). You can kind of roll your holiday partying and eating habits over into the Super Bowl, which, by that time, will be close enough to March Madness where you can convince yourself that eating terrible food and drinking a ton is all life is and that you’ll live forever because you’re 21 years old again. Football takes priority over any resolutions, so don’t worry about going to the gym, or whatever. Just watch football and work out tomorrow. That’s what I’ve always done, and look at me! A true Adonis in every sense. Embrace Wild Card Weekend, it’s the last time the stakes of the games don’t crush the joy out of every snap before late summer. That’s a scary sentence. You know what else is scary? How good I am at picking playoff games. Be thankful you get to come along for the ride once again. All lines from Bovada.

Buffalo Bills at Houston Texans (-3)

And you thought Jags-Colts last week was irrelevant. Apologies to the good people of Buffalo and the tens (dozens?) of devoted Texans fans. Guess what the h8rz will be furious to learn? The Texans, not the Pats, are, according to DVOA, the worst team in the playoffs (how about Dallas being 6th? Kind of makes you question the validity of the whole thing…). They are, of course, granted special abilities by playing in their traditional Saturday afternoon timeslot, but that powerful home-field advantage can only do so much in the face of Josh Allen and the Bills. I know what you’re thinking: Deshaun Watson at home has to be better than Josh Allen on the road, right? Wrong. The Bills have the better defense, the better coaching staff, and the better jerseys. And they’re the only AFC playoff team the Pats actually beat this year and they could theoretically meet in the AFC Championship Game. I’m trying to muster some optimism, just let me have this. Josh Allen got a ton of hate during the draft and last year and even during this year (mostly from me), but he’s about to explode onto the scene as the semi-forgotten young QB you can build around. JJ Watt’s ill-advised return from injury won’t save them.

Pick: Bills +3

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Tennessee Titans at New England Patriots (-5)

I’ll level with everyone: I’m worried. I’m worried that this is it and that the final game ends not in triumph, but in humiliation and ridicule. And this is a terrible, terrible matchup. The Titans coach is a Patriots legend. Half their roster is former Patriots. They have the best, most explosive running back in the league. Their number one receiver is essentially a clone of the player that beat them last week to kick them into the nadir of hope known as the Wild Card round. They’re red hot, younger, and desperate to prove themselves. Everyone who’s watched one second of both the 2019 Pats and the Tannehill Titans would say the boys from Nashville have more than just a shot at winning in Gillette, they should be expected to be in it at the end. It would be a small measure of irony if Mike Vrabel delivered the final blow to the greatest dynasty in the history of professional sports. And if this is the end, what a run. Never fully appreciated, always discounted, always thrown to the side for newer, flashier teams, always dragged down by fake controversies concocted by jealous also-rans, always delivering happiness to those of us lucky enough to call ourselves fans. If the Pats lose tonight, it’s likely over. Brady could leave. McDaniels could leave. Hell, Belichick could leave. But the memories will stay forever. Just like the glory of winning one final game in Foxborough. Because I know for damn sure the Tennessee Titans aren’t going to be the ones to end the dynasty. Over my dead body will this nothing franchise get the satisfaction of beating Tom Brady at home. This is the final stand, the climactic scene where the old soldiers know they’ve only got one more battle left in them. The Pats will win this game on pride, alone. You’ll have to wrestle the NFL crown out of their cold, dead hands, and no one’s been able to kill them, yet. Long live Brady. Long live Belichick. Pats by a thousand.

Pick: Pats -5

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Minnesota Vikings at New Orleans Saints (-8)

I appreciate the NFL dumping the two terrible NFC playoff games on the same day because now I get to pretend to ignore them. I mean, it’s Kirk Cousins going into the Dome in the playoffs. That’s the only information you need. This game’s already over.

Pick: Saints -8

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Seattle Seahawks (-2.5) at Philadelphia Eagles

The Seahawks’ bizarre inability to play in games decided by more than three points will keep this interesting, but the Eagles already got their Super Bowl. Winning the division with the most injuries in history (don’t fact check that) is kinda all they need. It would be typical of both the Seahawks and the Eagles if Philadelphia somehow won this game, prolonging America’s exposure to excruciating NFC East play that has surely done as much damage to this country as the housing market crash, but I don’t see it. Eventually, attrition and nanobubble concussion water win out in the end. It’s just the rule of life.

Pick: Seahawks -2.5

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Countdown to 2020

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2020. Doesn’t seem fully natural to say. Gonna need about twelve months to get used to it, but then it’ll be time to change the year again! No, but we have fun, here. End of a decade, end of an era. How do you even sum up a decade? So much stuff happened. Ten years worth of stuff, some say. Pretty big stretch for me, I graduated high school and then graduated college. We can skip the lack of achievements that followed, but life is built on little victories that you can hold onto long after their realistic expiration date. But it’s time to turn the page to a new year and a new decade (#newdecadenewme). And, as we’ve established on briansden69.com, that means the power ranking countdown.

Twenty rankings. The classic mainstays and another round of scraping the bottom of the bottom of the barrel for #content ideas. What better way to spend New Year’s Eve than by counting down arbitrary topics? I’ll tell you what the true countdown is- the countdown to the age where it’s not only acceptable to not do anything for NYE, but it’s expected that I’ll just stay home. Only a few more years and awkwardly deflected party invitations to go! But, let’s be honest: I think the only person holding onto the idea that I might ever do anything fun on New Year’s Eve is me. My real friends already know the deal. On to the countdowns.

Top Five Movies of 2019 (Usually based on the Brian’s Den rating scale but this year’s mini-hiatus left a lot of movies out)

  1. Cats– Only 55% ironically chosen
  2. Knives Out– Whodunnits are so underrated but I’m glad we aren’t inundated with them
  3. Irishman– Hey, I know that old guy on the screen!
  4. Avengers: Endgame– This came out this year. Wild
  5. Uncut Gems– I haven’t even seen it yet. This is a legacy pick

Top Five Movies I Haven’t Seen But Will Say I Saw During Awards SZN to Sound Smarter

  1. Marriage Story– More like Divorce Story, am I right? Make sure to tip your waitresses
  2. Parasite– Yeah, I know it’s amazing, that doesn’t change the fact that I haven’t seen it yet
  3. Little Women– These were some little women, man. I’ll tell you what, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen littler women. And I’ve seen some little women, mind you. But these were some real little women
  4. Pain & Glory– I don’t even know what this is
  5. Frozen 2– You won’t believe the kinds of hijinks Olaf gets into, folks. Who knew he was such a racist?

Top Five Video Games I Played in 2019

  1. Fire Emblem: Three Houses– I will feel much more secure if no one knows how many hours I put into this game (…………………………………….255+)
  2. Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice– The difficulty didn’t make me want to kill myself, which means I’ve ascended to a higher plane of existence than you normie gamerz
  3. Kingdom Hearts III– The fact that it exists is honestly enough for me
  4. Pokemon Sword– The h8rz are furious, but I rank this as a mid-tier Pokemon game, which makes it a top-tier regular game
  5. Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order– Not enough Star Wars debate online these days. Sound off in the comments what your favorite preposterous Star Wars “controversy” of 2019 was

Top Five Songs of 2019

  1. Lil
  2. Nas X
  3. “Old
  4. Town
  5. Road”

Top Five Athletes of 2019

  1. Tom Brady- He’s still the reigning Super Bowl champ, dammit!
  2. Kawhi Leonard- Pop quiz- who has more personality? Kawhi Leonard or Brian from briansden69.com? Hey, wait a minute…
  3. Leo Messi- No one even notices how good he is anymore, that’s how good he is
  4. Lamar Jackson- Most unfair QB since 2018
  5. Mike Trout- I don’t want to bash my good friends at Nike or my close personal friend Mike Trout, but the Mike Trout signature cleats are just about the most swagless signature shoes ever created

Top Five New Year’s Eve Concerts

  1. Bassnectar- Freedom Hall, Louisville, KY
  2. Kid Rock- Big Ass Honky Tonk and Rock n Roll Steakhouse, Nashville, TN
  3. Mau Mau Chaplains- Flamingo Cantina, Austin, TX
  4. Bruno Mars- Du Arena, Yas Island, UAE
  5. Risky Business- VFW Post 4764, Clinton, AR

Top Five New Fast Food Items of 2019

  1. KFC Cinnabon Dessert Biscuit- Life-changing
  2. Burger King Tacos- So bad, but so good
  3. Burger King Rodeo Stacker King- Massive year for Burger King
  4. McDonald’s Stroopwafel McFlurry- A great way to give yourself delicious lockjaw
  5. Taco Bell Reaper Ranch Double Stacked Taco- TB saving their season with the ultimate 11th hour Hail Mary. Would have been embarrassing to be left out of the top five

Best Things That Happened to Me in 2019

  1. Found my go-to Chinese place
  2. Got a new laptop
  3. Became a bar soap guy again
  4. Got a rolling suitcase for the first time (yes, I know. The first time)
  5. Played 255+ hours of Fire Emblem: Three Houses

Top Five Most Inconvenient Occurrences

  1. Maintenance work disrupting any public transportation schedule
  2. Bad internet connection
  3. When the volume on a channel you turn to is wildly different than the previous channel’s
  4. Going to the doctor
  5. Not being the Jellicle Choice

Best Retail Experiences

  1. Free samples
  2. Asking a salesperson which article of clothing looks better and getting good feedback (might just be me)
  3. Not being asked to open a store credit card account
  4. Not talking to anyone from the moment you walk in to the moment you go through the self-checkout
  5. Getting a free discount from the store’s membership account after you swear that you’ll sign up for it next time

Top Five Variations of the $10 Vodka You Drank in College

  1. Burnett’s
  2. Popov
  3. Dubra
  4. Sobieski
  5. Taaka

Top Five Easiest Crimes to Get Away With

  1. Anything anytime before 1950- Anyone caught before WWII deserved punishment for stupidity over the actual crime
  2. Money Laundering- If the pea-brained muscle in any mob can do it, no way I couldn’t, right?
  3. Fraud- Gotta be pretty easy if you just prey on the elderly
  4. Torrenting Movies- Piracy is NOT a victimless crime
  5. Jaywalking- Imagine getting a ticket for jaywalking? Couldn’t possibly happen to me

Top Five Jaw-Dropping Moments in Politics in 2019

  1. Late Thanksgiving when everyone goes online and makes up fake stories about overly conservative uncles or overly liberal aunts and how it RUINED their meal
  2. Whenever a talking head DESTROYED someone on the opposite side with LOGIC and REASON
  3. That time you wrote your local congressman/woman and they DIDN’T write back. May as well have just thrown that vote in the trash
  4. When those EXPLOSIVE facts came to light, ANNIHLIATING the other side’s WEAK defenses
  5. Covfefe

Top Five Engines

  1. Hemi V8, baby
  2. Everything else

Top Five Subway Stations

  1. Marcy Avenue
  2. 81st Street/Museum of Natural History
  3. Hoyt-Schermerhorn Street
  4. Lexington Avenue-63rd Street
  5. 34th Street-Herald Square

Top Five Hobbies

  1. Magic: The Gathering- Cardboard Crack took hold of me in 2019 and refuses to let go 😦
  2. Model Building- You ever met a true model guy? Feel like they don’t do a lot of hosting
  3. Drawing- No easier way to get some sweet Likes and Retweets than with some choice artwork
  4. Scrapbooking- I’ll tell you what, the next scrapbook I receive that I don’t appreciate will be the first (I’ve never received a scrapbook)
  5. Being a Call-in-a-Golf-Rules-Violation Guy- RIP to the true Watchdogs

Top Five Most Refreshing Gulps of Water

  1. First sip when you’re hungover
  2. After mowing the lawn when it’s really hot out
  3. Like an hour after eating something super high in sodium
  4. When you crack the top of that ice-cold Poland Springs 16oz bottle
  5. Water cooler water from a cone cup

Top Five Things You Have to be Super Into If You’re Five

  1. Dinosaurs
  2. Playgrounds
  3. McDonald’s
  4. Not bathing
  5. Coloring outside the lines

Top Five Andrew Lloyd Webber Songs

  1. “Music of the Night”- Phantom of the Opera
  2. “Mr. Mistoffelees”- Cats
  3. “Close Every Door”- Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
  4. “All I Ask of You”- Phantom of the Opera
  5. “Superstar”- Jesus Christ Superstar

Top Five Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2020

  1. A mystery trip that may yield valuable #content
  2. Taco Bell Crispy Tortilla Tenders
  3. The all-new 2021 Ford F150
  4. Spending a few days thinking about buying new bedsheets before not pulling the trigger and forgetting about it for another 365
  5. Another great year in the Brian’s Den

Happy New Year, everyone