England’s Smallest Castle is up for Sale

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source– HERE’s a great chance to make your home an actual castle – for a mere £550,000.

This Grade II listed building appears to be the UK’s smallest castle, with just a single bedroom.

Molly’s Lodge once served as a gatehouse to the Weston Park Estate in Warwickshire.

It now sits surrounded by trees in on a 0.61 acre site near the village of Long Compton.

The pyramidal roof, mullion windows and limestone turrets certainly give it a strong, if squashed, appearance.

But though you might imagine a long history of defending the landscape, in fact the mini fort was constructed in the 1830s by Edward Blore.

The famous British architect also restored Lambeth Palace and completed the enlargement of Buckingham Palace for Queen Victoria.

At first glance, this place seems like the ideal place for the first International Brian’s Den. The quaint small-scale architecture. The charming, expansive garden. The tranquil lake, perfect to have my afternoon tea and crumpets next to. It looks like a nurturing environment for the type of strong takes the Brian’s Den is known for. But I’m a little hesitant to commit to this, though. Before I fork over 550,000 of my hard earned quid, I’ll need a full, comprehensive tour, because, as everyone knows, a castle is only as good as its secrets.

The first question I would have is is it haunted? Do the restless spirits of all those who were held in its hellish dungeon and executed in the courtyard roam the halls, harassing and attacking anyone unfortunate enough to step inside? Do specters of the fallen soldiers who lost their lives in the numerous battles for control over this all-important piece of land guard the gates, stinking down any unwanted visitor? Do the suits of armor that line the corridors have minds of their own? Is there a dangerous creature, created either by curse or experiment gone wrong, who now has free reign of the grounds, ever searching for its next meal? If yes, I’m out. And not for the reason you think. I could handle some ghosts. Once you live there for a while and establish you want the best for the castle, the phantoms will leave you alone. They may even come to respect you. They’ll fight you a little on the upkeep, since no self-respecting ghost will allow their castle grounds to look clean and healthy, but they might relent eventually. It’s mostly for the lack of privacy. Nothing draws curiosity like a haunted castle. Every night you’d have to deal with stupid kids looking for thrills. Every night you’d have to deal with lost travelers, since the only places they’ll ever stop are haunted castles, not the town a mile down the road. You’d have to deal with news crews looking for a story, authors looking to write a book, actors researching for a role, it’d be never ending. It’d be impossible to have a moment’s peace. How could I be expected to accurately predict the entirety of the NFL season and give in-depth movie reviews if I have to clean up a new pile of dead bodies every day? No thanks. If it’s haunted, someone else can have it.

The second most important thing is the basement. The gallery doesn’t show one, but I know it’s there. And I’m not talking about the basement that holds all the extra stuff or the wine cellar. I’m talking about the secret basement. The one that has a laboratory and magical knick knacks. Does this castle come with a live-in wizard? Will he take requests or just do whatever he wants? Or, even better, does it have the tools for me to become a wizard? Does the library have the forbidden tomes I need to master the dark arts? Does the lab have the right equipment for the various alchemical experiments I’m going to do? Will I have have access to all the various stones, bones, relics, and other sacred/accursed artifacts I need to make contact with other planes of existence? There’s no tower, so will I have a way to use lighting to power some of my bigger experiments? And are there any rival wizards close by? It’s a highly competitive community and I don’t want to get blindsided when some old warlock down the street comes in and trashed my lab out of jealousy.

Thirdly, what kind of defenses does this place have? There’s not really a moat or any kind of wall. Are there some trebuchets and ballistas in the shed? What about cauldrons so I can pour molten hot liquid on attackers? Are the doors strong enough to withstand a battering ram? Will I have some kind of militia? Does it even have an armory? Judging by the pictures, the odds of that don’t look so great. In fact, it doesn’t even look like it would come with a sharp set of knives or gardening tools. So if, for some reason, this castle doesn’t have some type of magical lair and, since in this scenario I’m the owner so we know it isn’t haunted, no supernatural forces are on my side, how am I supposed to ward off invaders? Is this castle built to survive a siege attempt? How much punishment can these walls take before they come crashing down? Not to sound ignorant about an area of land I may soon own, but what kind of landscape am I dealing with? Do I have any natural advantages or is it at the bottom of a valley with no access to anything? Is there even a throne room where I can make my final stand? If not, this castle might be next to useless. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to pass on this. The search goes on for the first expansion opportunity.

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