I’m Going to my First Wedding Tonight


Ahh, Wedding Season. Love is in the air, immaculate suits and dresses are being tailored, and many, many, many dollars are exchanging hands because Sarah just has to have a bouquet of white roses at every table, she doesn’t care about shortages and inflated prices. Not many better times of year. This will be my first time experiencing it firsthand. I’m a nuptial neophyte, if you will. After years and years of courtship, some of my friends from college (yeah, I have friends, nbd) are tying the knot, and I couldn’t be happier for them. I can’t wait to sit through the ceremony and revel all night long. There’s nothing else going on, tonight, anyway. Wait, what’s that? Game 4 of the NBA Finals is on? And the Warriors could both finish the sweep and finish a 16-0 postseason? Ughhhh. What’s the NBA doing scheduling a Finals game on a Friday night? Don’t they know people (besides me) always have fun plans Friday night? Who has time to stay and watch a basketball game? Just move it to tomorrow night. It’s just basketball, right? And, no offense to the lovely couple, but who gets married on Friday? Don’t they know people have jobs? Very annoying!

And, of course, the entire thing is at a nice beachfront venue that’s ideal for romantic pictures and outdoor dancing, but very un-ideal for those of us who care more about sports than the people they actually know (mostly just me). Not a TV in the place. Considering I can stream the game on the handy ESPN App™, I’m praying there’s some WiFi. After all, you only get to see LeBron lose in the Finals once a year. But if I have to watch the game on my phone, how am I supposed to tweet my way through it at the same time? Didn’t anyone think about how inconvenient this wedding was for me? Apparently not. Talk about inconsiderate. I was kind of hoping the Cavs would win Wednesday night to avoid this exact scenario. Unfortunately for me, they completely laid down in the last few minutes and were handed one of the most crushing basketball losses I’ve ever seen. There’s no chance whatsoever the Cavs can pick themselves up and win this game. They’re done. They’re broken. The role players had already quit, but know Kyrie and LeBron have, too. At this point, nothing is going to keep Tristan Thompson from making his Saturday morning flight to Barbados. This is over. Warriors might win by 40. So, obviously, no big deal that I’m missing it, right? Well, I live for NBA Finals clinching blowouts. Seeing players like LeBron, Kobe, Durant, or LeBron again sit on the bench dejectedly as the winning team runs it up is great. They produce so many great pictures, videos, and memes. It shapes who the internet will make fun of for the next week. When someone online says that LeBron is probably the most skilled and versatile player ever, instead of considering the facts and forming legitimate arguments for or against, we can all just post a picture of him looking sad on the bench because the rest of his team stinks. And I have to miss that in real time. I pretty much can’t contribute to anything online for the next few days. I have to wait until the next Thing happens. I might as well be 100 years old, unable to figure out this new-fangled telephone my grandkids gave me. What a bummer. At least the couple is happy.

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