I don’t want to take away from the firefighters and school teachers, but I wouldn’t object if you called me a hero for writing this. Sunday morning at like 3 a.m. I woke up with a scratchy throat and I feared I might be getting sick. Unfortunately, I’m always right, and now here I am, the proud owner of a cold. Very annoying! The temperature dropped to 60° for the first time since probably April and I immediately get sick. Talk about S.A.D. I’m sniffling and coughing left and right. I’m single handedly keeping the tissue industry afloat and freebasing cold medicine. And I’ve been on a big orange kick, too. For the last like, two or three weeks I’ve been eating an orange a day. I though vitamin C was supposed to help prevent colds? I can confirm that I don’t have scurvy, which is a plus, I guess.
Needless to say, this has put me in quite the bind. I’m faced with difficult decisions everywhere I turn. For one, it’s hot again. It’s 80° as I right this, and my house gets way too hot. But whenever I turn on the AC or a fan, it just inflames my sensitive sinuses. So I have to just sit here sweating like an idiot. The second pickle is that usually, when I get colds, it’s actually cold out, so I put on my most comfy sweatpants and a sweatshirt. However, it’s been established that it’s currently too hot for that, and I have a strict no-sweats-before-the-NFL-season-kicks-off policy. So I’m wearing shorts and a t-shirt, but because it’s so hot I’m still hot and sweaty. It’s terrible. Lastly, and probably most importantly, is that I need to leave the house, but leaving the house is the last thing I want to do. I need a haircut. I don’t have any food left. At some point I might need to work again (the only positive part about having a cold is that you can say “oh, I don’t want to get everyone else sick” and it’ll buy you a couple extra days off). But I can’t leave. I can’t go in public looking and sounding like this. I have a reputation to uphold. If people saw me in this weakened state, how would they ever fear or respect me again? And how could I be expected to drive while being hopped up on NyQuil? But what am I supposed to eat? My arm? Frankly, I don’t know which way to turn. The timing of this is terrible, too. How am I going to get a cold at the beginning of fall? I die a little inside every time I think about the smells I’m about to miss. The first bunch of fresh apples. The smell of the leaves as they slowly decay. The first pumpkin spice flavored anything. The smell of football! And I’m missing all of it. Dear God, why have You forsaken me?
In an effort to expedite my recovery, I’m stuck trying all manner of cockamamie cold remedies that have next to zero chance of working. But one glance at what the internet has to offer has me troubled. I mean, take a look at this, a dime-a-dozen slide show that’s the first Google search result. Honestly, this is some messed up shit. Listen to jazz? I’m not pretentious enough. Put on a pair of wet socks? I’d rather be dead. Work out? Please. Eating raw onions is something I’ve heard before, but I’m not really looking to do that. I need something radical. I need some Old World holistic remedy that makes me puke everywhere but is effective nonetheless. Only problem is my family is all American. The only ties I have to Europe are centuries old, and not from the right part, either. I need some shriveled up grandma who just got off the boat from Romania to give me some ancient concoction that her village has used for generations. Some ground up leaf that doesn’t grow here that tastes like a three week old compost heap that I have to drink while upside down or something. I’m tired of slugging water and sleeping all day, I want a quick fix ASAP. Slothing around playing entire 16 game seasons of Madden in one day is only satisfying for so long. I can’t live like this much longer. Last night I did two fantasy football drafts at the exact same time while courageously battling illness. It was an impressive, Herculean feat, but I’m not looking to repeat those kind of heroics every time I feel like doing anything besides sitting down. If anyone has some stupid remedy they use, let me know. I’ll pretty much try anything.