With the all-important date less than a week away, not a second goes by where my birthday doesn’t cross my mind. Though January 10th isn’t yet a national holiday, that doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate with me. The best way to celebrate this most blessed day, of course, is to lavish me with gifts. Here’s a few things I wouldn’t mind seeing come my way.
Guy Fieri’s friendship
A few years ago, some dude paid like $100,000 to be Guy’s friend for a day. I need this like I need air to breathe or water to drink. This might be an unpopular opinion, but I genuinely love Guy Fieri. I’ve spent at least 25% of my life watching Triple D. Guy can clearly be bought, so someone get me a one-way ticket to Flavortown.
A bed that has a toilet built in so that I don’t have to get out of bed in the middle of the night
This may be a stretch since I don’t think it’s been invented yet, but work with me here. How annoying is it to be peacefully sleeping, only to have an overactive bladder disturb your slumber? You have to get out of bed, walk to the bathroom, relieve yourself, then walk back. By the time you get back in bed, it’s practically morning already. A toilet in the bed eliminates the whole production. Just hook the plumbing up to it and it’s a perfect idea.
A car seat that’s also a toilet
Kind of piggybacking off the last wish. I have the worst bladder of anyone under the age of 70 of all time. If I drink anything I have to pee like 10 seconds later. It makes driving long distances really annoying because I have to stop all the time and go to the bathroom. Put a toilet where the driver’s seat is and I’ll be sitting pretty. A mobile throne eliminates all my problems and opens the door for my truck driving career. Replace the carpool lane with a tank emptying lane and everyone’s happy. You know what, the more I think about these last two ideas the more I realize how much money they can make. Forget you ever read about them.
A roster spot in this year’s NBA Celebrity All-Star Game
All I’ve ever wanted in my life is to someday be famous enough to play in this game. Considering some of the names they’ve been throwing out there recently, I may be there already. If I played, you’d better believe I’d go all out. I’d be boxing out, keeping my hands up on d, and diving for loose balls. More than anything, though, I’d get my shots up. I’ll take it hard to the rack calling for and-ones like I’m Carlos Boozer. I don’t know how many points I’d finish with, but I know for a fact I’d set the shot attempts record by halftime. I’m ready to pick up where Michael Rapaport, Tom Cavanagh, and Kevin Hart left off. I’m ready to be the Celebrity All-Star Game MVP.
Tickets to this new Jamie Foxx movie
Although the movie I’m looking forward to the most in January is clearly the new Yu-Gi-Oh! movie, you and I both know I’ve already got my ticket. But I just saw the trailer for this Sleepless movie and it looks awesome. Like some combination of Taken and The Equalizer. That’s the definition of must-see. Get me in the door opening night and I may forget the fact that you didn’t buy me Guy Fieri’s friendship.
The Brooklyn Nets to lose every game then not have the league rig the lottery for the Lakers to win
This might be tough to get, but it should be easy enough to ensure the Nets finish with the NBA’s worst record. Someone just needs to take out Brook Lopez. Even then, he’ll probably just get hurt on his own. So, thinking about it, the Nets will probably finish with the worst record in the league on their own, giving the Celtics the best chance for the top pick. However, the Celtics always get screwed in the lottery. They should have Tim Duncan, Kevin Durant, and a bunch of other guys that they would have had if they had gotten one or two spots higher. They’ll be battling against the Lakers, whose pick is top-3 protected. If you think they’re losing their pick, I have some African princes to introduce you to. The Sixers are apparently liked by the league again now that they foolishly abandoned The Process, so they’re always lurking for the top pick. And it’s been three years since the Cavs won the lottery, which is far too long for the league’s taste. So, all I’m really asking for is for someone to infiltrate the cabal in charge of the draft lottery and make sure the Celtics get their fair shake. Now getting involved with conspiracies such as this usually result in torture and death, but know that your sacrifice will be appreciated.
A pet seahorse
Just think it’d be kind of awesome.
A trip to Japan to see the Cherry Blossoms in bloom
A true picture of natural beauty. An experience so spiritual and magical that it has to be seen to be believed. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say I would start weeping if I was finally able to witness to petals falling to the ground in person. Make fun of me all you want, but I’d die knowing I saw the most majestic sight known to man. Plus, I need to restock my supply of tentacle porn DVDs.
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A nice cake
Everyone should have some cake on their birthday. I’m not picky about it, any flavor will do. The only requirement is that the frosting to cake ratio is right. Too much or too little frosting ruins a cake. If you’re curious about correct ratios, I’d be more than happy to try any samples you send my way.
Just a few ideas for everyone out there. This list isn’t exhaustive, so I can always come up with something else should you be unable to fulfill any of the requirements for the above gifts. I’ve got the Thank You cards ready to send out already.