This fried-chicken-as-pizza-crust monstrosity known as the Chizza has been making its way through Asia and is inevitably coming to America. And I will inevitably try it.
I was there for the waffle taco (not bad). I was there for Lay’s Chicken and Waffle chips (only Lay’s I’ll ever eat. So good). I was there for Dunkin’ Donuts’ donut breakfast sandwich (not the best thing I’ve eaten). I was even there for Pizza Hut’s hotdog pizza (still can’t decide if it was good or not). None of the other stoner dream concoctions made me question my wellbeing and self-worth more than this. Look at that thing! Even in the promotional picture it doesn’t look great. I’ll spare your stomach from the picture of the genuine article. But, this is the cross I bear. The burden I carry with me every day of my life: to try every crazy fast food and snack item to hit the market so other people don’t have to. I’m not calling myself a hero. I’m not looking for awards and accolades. I’m not looking for attention. I’m fine with being a silent guardian protecting people’s wallets, palettes, and bowels from the shadows. But sometimes I wonder if anyone is protecting mine. I know for a fact KFC isn’t. Considering their startling rate of innovation, I know Taco Bell isn’t. Lately, I don’t even know if McDonald’s, who had long been the rock in my life, has my best interests in mind since they’ve trotted out two variations on Big Macs and new flavors of Shamrock Shakes in the last week (I can’t complain too much, though. They were all amazing). I realize this is like Batman asking the Joker to take a week off from crime, but what if just one place introduced a new non-salad item that didn’t take 10 years off my life?
Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t think I’d ever eat something kind of healthy at a fast food place. It’s not in my DNA. As much as I try to fight it, eating crazy fast food items is more than just my calling in life. It’s an innate skill. My blessing and my curse. I don’t know if it’ll be a week, a month, a year, or a decade before the Chizza comes to America. No matter when, I’m trying it. And I already know I’ll regret it.
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