I’m Sick of the Fast Food Dipping Sauce Armsrace

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I’m a big fast food guy. Everyone knows it. If I had the finances and the willpower to ever actually exercise (and if I wasn’t such a good cook), I’d be fine eating fast food every day. But there’s been a recent, troubling trend that I can’t get behind. Ever since the fiasco that was the Szechuan Sauce release, every fast food place is scrambling to come out with their own signature, surely limited edition sauce that people will be pining for 20 years from now. And frankly, it’s making my smh every time I see a new one. I’m constantly amazed how such incompetent people wind up in prominent marketing positions. Every new sauce is just a liquid version of the dictionary definition of signature sauce. None are memorable, none are all that good, and they’re all just passing around the same sauces and changing one ingredient.

McDonald’s is, by far, the biggest offender. Not satisfied with causing a national stir with their last signature sauce and HAVING THE UR-SIGNATURE SAUCE ON THEIR ARSENAL (Mac Sauce), decided to trot out yet another “signature sauce” to pair with their new chicken selects tenders, aptly named Signature Sauce.

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It’s okay. McDonald’s claims it takes inspiration from Mac Sauce and lists the key flavors as sweet and tangy. Remember that description. Because, not to be outdone, Wendy’s release their own chicken tenders (which are better than McDonald’s, imo) with their own “signature” dipping sauce, S’Awesome Sauce (someone get me in a fast food boardroom, ASAP) like a week later.

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Boy, that sauce sure looks familiar. Where have I seen it before? A real head-scratcher. Wonder what Wendy’s official description of the sauce is? “Tangy, sweet and smoky into one savory flavor.” Hmmm, that’s odd. That sounds like the new McDonald’s sauce. They couldn’t be using the same thing, right? It must be a coincidence. Burger King didn’t come out with a new sauce, did they? They did?

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Creamy signature sauce? And it’s that same shade of orange? It couldn’t possibly be sweet and tangy, could it? It is? WHAT A SURPRISE! Did all these companies just get together and develop one sauce they all could use? And do they really think any of these things are super memorable and will make a big enough splash to get brought back years from now? I just keep thinking about sweet and tangy. Sweet, tangy, maybe a little smoky. Where have I heard that combination of flavors before? God, I know I’ve had it somewhere…

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Are….are these companies just trying to pass Chick-fil-a sauce off as their own invention? Are you kidding me? Chick-fil-a sauce is one of the pillars upon which this great country was built, and you think you can take the perfect mix of sweet, tangy, and smokey, add some red food coloring, put your own logo on it, call it Signature Awesome Cool sauce or some other bullshit, and think no one will notice? Not in here. Not on my watch. You don’t come at the Fast Food Watchdog with some weak sauce and expect to get out unscathed. I’m onto Big Fast Food. They’re so far behind the elites they think they can just steal the keys to the kingdom. I understand that, much like the NFL, fast food is a copycat league, but have some pride. Have some competitive spirit. Hey, BK, you know what was cool? When you had green apple dipping sauce and weren’t just copying everyone trying to ride coattails. Hey, Wendy’s, you don’t need a signature sauce because your food is so much better than the other members of the Big 3. McDonald’s, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. You invented the signature sauce game. Every fast food place has their own sauce, and all of them that aren’t stealing from Chick-fil-a base their sauce on Mac Sauce. And you think you have to stoop to Burger King’s level of imitation? For shame. Look, I get it. You do what you can to stay relevant. But you know what people remember? The originals. The ones that burned convention to the ground and built a new standard from the ashes. Not the people who just rip everyone off. Be better.

Still the GOAT fast food imitation. Can’t believe anyone was ever this shameless.

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Falcons’ New Stadium Will Have a Chick-fil-a, Which Won’t Be Open on Sundays

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source– Sure, most everyone loves Chick-fil-A, but the popular restaurant chain will be closed during a majority of the Falcons’ home games in 2017 at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, according to ESPN sports business reporter Darren Rovell.

In fact, the only day the Chick-fil-A inside the stadium will be open, is on December 7, when the Falcons host the Saints on Thursday night.

I cannot possibly overstate how much I love this move. It’s genius. Pure, unadulterated genius by Chick-fil-a. Outside Taco Bell, no fast food company understands human nature and the marketing game quite like Chick-fil-a. The fastest way to get someone to want something is to tell them they can’t have it. Anytime I drive past a Chick-fil-a on Sunday, my cravings for the sweet, succulent chicken sandwiches go through the roof. It’s all I can think about. My desire to spend money at Chick-fil-a consumes me. And I’m only one guy. When the dozens of Falcons fans who’ll pack Mercedes-Benz Stadium walk by the ghostly visage of a closed Chick-fil-a, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be working at an Atlanta area Chick-fil-a come Monday mornings in the fall. Talk about a mob scene. I guarantee this sends business skyrocketing. Chick-fil-a is going to make a killing off this, once again proving that being closed on Sundays is one of the greatest business decisions of all time. They’re the anti-McDonald’s. If you have a way to keep something exclusive, do it. Don’t make breakfast all day because now no one cares about McDonald’s breakfast. Don’t open Chick-fil-a on Sundays because then no one will experience seeing a closed Chick-fil-a. It’s so simple, but it’s why Chick-fil-a is king.

As for the Falcons, the losses just keep on coming. First, they suffer the worst defeat in the history of professional sports. Then, their new stadium doesn’t even work. And now this. Sure, this is great for Chick-fil-a, but it’s horrible for the Falcons. What were they thinking? How can you let yourselves, an NFL team coming off an albeit doomed Super Bowl appearance, get completely dominated by a fast food joint? I’ve never seen anyone get cucked harder than this. I’d love to have been in the room for when this was pitched. Probably some 45-year-old father of four brought this idea to the board like “Hey, guys, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s get a Chick-fil-a in the stadium! It’s what’s hip with the kids these days, I’ve heard. Sure would be great to have young people talking about the Falcons in a positive light. I sure am tired of getting destroyed on the Twitter, how about you fellas?” Great idea, man! Too bad Chick-fil-a is run by geniuses (they’re probably not geniuses they’re just really religious, but accidental genius is still genius) who would never pass up an opportunity to build business and throw their balls on the table like this. I bet the Falcons paid for everything, too. The probably bought the franchising rights, paid for the construction, hired the staff, took care of all the overhead costs, everything. Too bad they forgot Chick-fil-a bends for no man. Unbelievable. This is why it amazes me every time I see people say the Falcons are going to be good this year. Are you kidding? This franchise is completely and utterly broken. The Patriots killed them. The losses keep piling up with no end in sight. The players all snapped and hate each other. The coaches are going to be second guessing everything they do. They’re going to treat closing the retractable roof as a real accomplishment. Their legion of devoted fans disappeared as quickly as it burst onto the scene. They’re getting mercilessly dunked on by Chick-fil-a. It’s over for the Falcons. They might not win a game this season. Honestly I’d be surprised if they did. It’s going to take something monumental to get this franchise back on the right track, and I see that miracle happening anytime soon.

I’ve Never Been as Sure of Anything as I am that the Sonic Guys Hate Each Other in Real Life

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Think of the greatest entertainment duos to ever grace the Earth: Abbott and Costello. Penn and Teller. Mike and the Mad Dog. All of them changed the show business game, and all of them absolutely despised each other. The same can undoubtedly be said about the Sonic Guys.

I don’t know why I thought of this the other night, but I did. Yet another Sonic commercial came on, and one of my friends asked if I thought they liked each other in real life. At first, I didn’t really have an answer. After all, how should I know if they like each other? I don’t know them, I don’t know their lives. But then it never left my mind. Like a bit of popcorn stuck in your teeth, the thought got lodged in my brain and started to fester. I went deep into Sonic Guy lore. I learned the complex cannon inside and out. And the more I watched, the more it became clear: these two would murder each other if they could get away with it. I mean, watch some of these:

I don’t know how you could film these and remain civil. If I had to do a million takes of one of these commercials once I don’t think I would ever speak to my co-star ever again. And these guys have been doing this for YEARS. Wikipedia says they’ve been together since 2004. 13 years of doing commercials together. Just the two of them every time. Every 30 second spot is a two-man play. How the dark-haired straight man hasn’t snapped and called out the other guy for all his stupid antics and bullshit is beyond me. How the lighter-haired one hasn’t tried to forcefully remove the stick out of the other guy’s ass is incomprehensible. If the next ad doesn’t have them coming to blows I might think about boycotting Sonic (not really). I’ve never seen a pair with more built up tension. They need some release. They need to brawl. They need to kiss. They need to do whatever it takes to relieve some of this stress they have built up. I’m actually worried about their mental health. Sonic is torturing these guys by continuing to force them to work together. Sure, they probably have gotten millions of dollars out of it, but at what cost? How much of themselves have they thrown away in pursuit of fame? Sonic has been there every step of the way, whispering sweet nothings in their ears and enabling this self-destructive behavior. They’ve turned two star-crazed men into angry, sexually frustrated zombies, all to sell a few more delicious burgers and tater tots. For shame, Sonic, for shame.

IndyCar Drivers Scott Dixon and Dario Franchitti get robbed at a Taco Bell Drive Thru at 9:40 PM, confirm my Movement is growing

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ESPN– Indianapolis 500 pole sitter Scott Dixon and former IndyCar Series driver Dario Franchitti were robbed at gunpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru Sunday in Indianapolis, according to a police report obtained by ESPN.

Dixon, his wife, Emma Davies-Dixon, and Franchitti were robbed at around 9:40 p.m. local time at the restaurant, which is located less than a mile from Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Hours earlier, Dixon set the fastest qualifying time in 21 years there.

Two males, ages 15 and 14, were arrested, according to the police report. Both were charged with robbery, while the 15-year-old was also charged with resisting law enforcement.

The teenagers allegedly took credit cards as well as Davies-Dixon’s wallet and identification.

Dixon and Franchitti declined to comment to reporters Monday, while Chip Ganassi Racing released a statement saying the drivers are “completely fine.”

“Thank you to everyone for all of your concerns about their well-being,” the statement read. “However, we will allow the Speedway/Indianapolis police departments to handle the situation and while they conduct their investigation we will refrain from making any further comments to allow Scott to focus on the upcoming Indianapolis 500.”

Before today, I wasn’t an IndyCar guy. I wasn’t a racing guy, in general. I didn’t have a favorite driver, I didn’t have a favorite track, nothing. Well, now I’ve got two favorite drivers, because my guys Scott Dixon and Dario Franchitti understand what the #noonmeansno life is all about.

Listen, if being a revolutionary was easy, everyone would do it. The public will always push back against explosive beliefs that call everything they’ve ever known into question. The brave few who hear the Call in the movement’s infancy will face untold prejudice and persecution. Getting robbed by a couple of teenagers isn’t a good thing. But practicing the #noonmeansno lifestyle is.

What if Scott and Dario decided to follow society’s rules? What if they both thought, “man, even though I’m starving and would love some delicious Taco Bell right now, it’s 9:40 pm so I’m not supposed to eat anything. Oh, well, guess I’ll just stay hungry and miserable.” What kind of life is that? Constantly ignoring your insatiable hunger just because they Should Have Eaten Dinner Already. When Scott wins the Indy 500, I bet the first thing he says in the post-race interview is “my mind was free because I wasn’t worried about the fact that I might not be able to eat at either noon or 6:30.” It’s like a higher form of meditation where you eliminate one of life’s more annoying concerns completely. Those teens were just waiting to pounce on anyone who came through that Drive Thru because they had heard rumor of a new movement sweeping the country and they couldn’t let anything challenge their fragile Midwestern Values. After all, you’re Supposed to Eat Lunch at Noon and Dinner at 6:30, right? Might as well just not eat if you can’t eat at the exact time you’re supposed to. What planet am I on right now? When did it become 1984? Are delinquent teens really targeting my people now? The people with enough backbone and self-respect to eat when they’re hungry, not when they have to? Is this really the future of America? Hey, Jaxxon and Mason (I’m assuming those are their names since they’re stupid Millenials), how would you like it if someone told you you can only use your fancy smartphone with iFace and Tweetbook on it at certain times in a day, and if you disobeyed you’d become a social pariah? You probably wouldn’t like that, would you? Well, next time you feel like taking the hatred you feel towards your dad out on some forward-thinking mavericks who are unafraid to stand up for what they believe in, why don’t you just ask yourself it it’s really such a bad thing if someone eats whatever they want whenever they want. How about that, you punks? These kids are lucky #noonmeansno is, by default, a peaceful and inclusive school of thought, or else one of those brats would have been eating some pavement. No one can decide what or when you eat. That’s the true pillar of my movement. Dietary freedom. So, if you’re part of my family of free-eaters, if you ever face persecution for your beliefs, just turn the other cheek and pity the offender for not being able to think for himself. Remember, it’s your body. Feed it when you want to.

Which Fast Food Place has the Worst Dressed Customers?

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So last night, I found my cupboards bare and my stomach rumbling. I decided to take the easy way out and get some fast food. While at this establishment (to be revealed later), something struck me as I looked around the room- everyone was dressed horribly. Like, social-life-killing horribly. And no one cared. It got me wondering- which fast food place has the worst dressed customers? I knew it needed a full investigation. To put together these rankings I took everything into effect, but the most important factors are average level of dress during busy times, price and quality of the food (it matters, as we’ll find out), and any intangibles that are specific to one restaurant only. Going in ascending (or maybe it’s descending?) order, saving the best for last. If you disagree with any of this, odds are you’ve never been to a fast food place before. I’m not including any of the weird Southern-only chains like Bojangles or Cook-Out or Whataburger or Zaxby’s because I don’t support anything that clings to the vestiges of a divided United States (/I’ve never been but would really like to). Sorry not sorry. Besides, they probably wouldn’t do too great on these rankings, anyway.

(Side rant before we get going: they’ve been doing nonstop road work on one of the streets near me that leads to a lot of different fast food places, and it’s getting really annoying. Mostly because they’ve exposed a million manhole covers. Literally every two feet there’s another thick manhole surrounded by a deep gully. They’re in the middle of the street and almost impossible to avoid when there’s traffic going the other way. It’s turned my suspension into spaghetti. I know the city’s not going to pay for it when the Grim Reaper finally comes for my tires. They’ve been there for over a year! Clearly they aren’t doing any work on them anymore. How long does is take to just dump some asphalt on it? This isn’t rocket surgery, just fix it already! End of rant.)

1200px-innout-svgIn-N-Out Buger

I know I said I didn’t want to include regional chains, but In-N-Out is too big to ignore. It’s pretty much it’s own religion. People make sacred pilgrimages from all across the globe. People get married there. I’ve never had it. It’s my white whale, my raison d’être, if you will. When I go for the first time, you better believe I’ll be in my Sunday Best. Add in the Cali Bros and Valley Girls that go there regularly and In-N-Out doesn’t even register on the scale.

Filth Rating: 0

582px-chick-fil-a_logo-svgChick-fil-A

I heard somewhere that young people spend more money at Chick-fil-A than any other chain restaurant. Young People would rather be dead than go anywhere looking like a slob. Me going in gym shorts a few times can’t counteract that. Nothing can subtract too much from the power of Young People, but actually loses points for not being open on Sunday, since you know people wouldn’t hesitate going straight from church and getting some of that luscious Chick-fil-A sauce all over their best coat.

Filt Rating: 🐷
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Panera Bread

I went back and forth on whether or not to include some of the “fast-casual” places like Panera, Chipotle, Shake Shack, etc. In the end, I decided against it. But, and this is a big ol’ but, Paneras have drive-thrus. My hands are tied- if you have a drive-thru, you’re in the rankings. Panera should consider itself lucky, too. Probably the most consistently well-dressed place out there. Only knock is that I always see people coming there after a workout in their sweaty gym clothes.

Filth Rating: 🐷

220px-mcdonalds-90s-logo-svgMcDonald’s

Despite my best efforts, McDonald’s is just too corporate. People go on their lunch breaks from real jobs. People go after school. According to their commercials, you go there to be seen. And, most importantly, it’s the place to go when you’ve had too many beverages, so half the time you’re dressed up when you go. It’s also the go-to place the morning after when you look horrible, and there’s still some other brave souls out there going to Mickey D’s in sweats, so they don’t get the perfect rating they crave so much.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷

full-colorSonic

I came close to making two different Sonics, but I decided on one. My experiences in Sonic’s dining room have actually been very pleasant. It looks a lot like Chick-fil-A: plenty of people wearing hip clothes. I’ve even worn real clothes (jeans) there before. But Sonic is more than just a dining room. In fact, the dining room is secondary to the drive-in. And the drive-in are too much of a mystery to accurately gauge. I don’t know what people are wearing in their cars. I don’t know if they’re even wearing clothes at all. But I know they aren’t particularly well-dressed, because otherwise they’d be inside.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷

375px-subway_2016_logo-svgSubway

I don’t usually consider Subway to have a particularly well-dressed following, but there’s just so many locations they’re bound to draw the occasional professional-looking customer. Subways are everywhere- in malls, on college campuses, in nice neighborhoods, in bad neighborhoods. If you turn your head, you’ll see a Subway close by. Considering the diverse range of people, they would serve as a bit of a baseline, but I’ve never seen the type of critter that frequent the lower ranking places in a Subway

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷

carls_jr_logo3d-versionCarl’s Jr./Hardee’s/Jack-in-the-Box

I’ll be totally honest: I’ve never been to these places. My impression of them is shaped only by commercials, not by personal experience. So, I’ll make them the baseline. Maybe the average Carl’s Jr. looks like a GQ photoshoot. Maybe Jack-in-the-Box is the second worst (nothing can dethrone number one). Out of respect for the game, I can’t give them any other rating.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

800px-taco_bell_2016-svgTaco Bell

I know what you’re thinking: “I’ve been in a Taco Bell before, and half the time it’s a pretty ugly scene.” That’s true. Very true, in fact. Half the time, Taco Bell is pretty bad. But what about the other half? TB is a mall staple, and unless you write for the internet’s hottest website (www.briansden69.com), you don’t go to the mall looking like crap. Taco Bell is also the crown prince of the dunk food throne, meaning they get plenty of late night business from people who chose their clothes with the intent of looking nice, not being comfortable. Strange concept, but works in the Bell’s favor.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

191px-arby27s_logo-svgArby’s

I don’t particularly like Arby’s food, but I won’t let that stop me from being objective. I haven’t seen too many stand-alone Arby’s, and I’ve only been inside of one, and it wasn’t a particularly pretty scene. But it wasn’t a disaster. Their biggest advantage is that they’re often in malls or airports and things of that nature, and, as previously discussed, those places don’t usually have the true slobs.

Filt Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

popeyeslouisianakitchenPopeye’s

The best thing Popeye’s has going for it is that it’s not the lower ranking places. You’ll find all of the telltale signs: sweatpants, unseasonal jackets, dirty shoes, but there’s a certain civility still present. It’s bad, but it’s not that bad. It’s close enough to the edge to stare down into the abyss, but something keeps it from diving in. It mostly has these next few to thank for that.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

300px-burger_king_logo-svgBurger King

As hard as it is these days, I still consider myself a Burger King guy. I have such fond memories of it that I refuse to acknowledge it’s sharp decline. I even still enjoy some of their menu items. But Burger King is trash, and the average BK dining room reflects that. Here’s where you start to see people that don’t have the best personal hygiene. There’s plenty of Kmart-chique. Might be some holes in the clothing. Definitely the type to make a scene and ask to speak to a manager. I guess that’s what charging $1 for 20 chicken nuggets will attract.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

224px-little_caesars_logo-svgLittle Caesars

The first time I went inside a Little Caesars was my true loss of innocence. I had obviously been exposed to fast food outfits before, but seeing what lay inside Little Caesars truly shocked me. The stained sweatpants. The body odor. The dental issues. Little Caesars has everything you’d expect from a place with $5 pizzas. It’s a true hell-hole, but it’s somehow not the worst. Bring children at your own risk.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

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In a vacuum, the outfits you’ll find at Wendy’s are virtually indistinguishable from the ones you’ll find at Burger King. It’s the same Wal-Mart 2 for $10 graphic t-shirts, the baggy jeans, the Avia shoes. But the fact that Wendy’s is the undisputed king of the Big 3 (McD, BK, Wendy’s) brings their rating way down. The customers are an insult to the food. Not to be an elitist snob, but coming to Wendy’s dressed like a homeless person should get you kicked out. You shouldn’t be served. You should have to submit some kind of proof that you’ve showered in the last 48 hours if you want Wendy’s. All these dirty scoundrels just bring down what should be an enjoyable dining experience. I turn my nose up the Wendy’s patrons, whether that makes me a bad person or not.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

1024px-kfc_logo-svgKFC

The mystery restaurant that inspired this blog. If you didn’t see KFC coming as number one, I don’t know what to tell you. If this starts even a bit of controversy I guess there’s a lot of people out there who have never entered a Kentucky Fried Chicken. The people at KFC are a different breed. And that includes myself. If my friends saw some of the things I’ve worn to KFC they’d never look at me again. Some of my worst, oldest, most stain-filled clothes can’t even make me the worst dressed, though, because the creatures that crawl out of the barrels of grease in KFC are truly something else. Imagine the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone wear, rip a million holes in it, add some prominent stains, some of the greasiest, most matted hair in human history, some very cheap and very worn out shoes, then make everything a size or two too big. Once you add the confrontational attitudes and indecipherable white-trash accent and you’ve got a special species of “human” that can only be found here. I hardly ever go to KFC, but when I do, I usually sit in the car for a few seconds considering whether or not I truly want to go in and face the crowd that awaits me. If I ever went to a KFC in a high end neighborhood (if they even exist), I think even the millionaires would be wearing some cheap $50 sweats. It’s just something about KFC that draws the worst out of people’s wardrobes. And I don’t think anything could ever change that.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

Old Packet of McDonald’s Szechuan Sauce sells for over $14k

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source– A 20-year-old dipping sauce from McDonald’s sold for nearly $15,000 after a mention in the show Rick and Morty. 

A listing for the Szechuan sauce, which was released as a promotional product for the Disney movie Mulan, closed with a winning bid of $14,700.

“I just bought a really old car, while cleaning it I found a packet of this sauce.,” the listing states. “After watching the recent episode of Rick and Morty I went online to see if it was worth anything. Turns out it was. Also this comes with a packet of wasabi as well.”

The premiere of Rick and Morty’s third season featured main character Rick citing the sauce as his series arc even “if it takes nine seasons.” The episode spurred fans to petition McDonald’s to bring back to sauce, especially as a live action-version of Mulan is set to be released in 2018.

Several petitions have been added on Change.org, the largest with over 35,000 signatures.

Some quick background on this: during the season 3 premiere of Rick and Morty which was aired on April 1st, Rick mentioned how he missed this Szechuan Sauce (Rick and Morty Review: It’s very good. Rating: 🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀). Since Rick and Morty has such a strong cult following, it’s only natural that people would take this idea and run with it. There’s a petition and everything. Knowing how the fast food world works, I have to commend the guy that sold this for cashing in on it before McDonald’s inevitably brings it back. Flipping an old packet of dipping sauce you randomly found that’s either toxic or completely fine at this point (not sure which is a worse scenario) for basically $15,000 when it’s going to be on sale for less than 50 cents within the month is some true thievery. Whoever bought it might be the dumbest person who ever lived, or at least someone with absolutely no foresight or experience when it comes to the fast food industry. Anything with a petition is almost always brought back. McDonald’s brought the McRib back like, 100 times and literally five people in the world were clamoring for it. I’m thinking of petitioning Burger King to bring back their green apple slime dipping sauce they had when I was a kid. And to go back to the old style of chicken nuggets when they were just strips and were good. They were way better than Chicken Fries and these cheap nuggets they have now. If I had more than ten friends I could probably get a bunch of signatures for both things and become the hero that Made Burger King Great Again. You really think McDonald’s is going to ignore 35,000 signatures for something as easy to produce as a dipping sauce? I’m sure there’s only one or two different ingredients in it than their barbecue sauce, too. This is such a slam dunk PR stunt for them there’s virtually no reason for them not to do it. And you just spent $15,000 on one cup? You, sir, are an IDIOT.

I will say for the people who signed this petition, though, be careful what you wish for. Some things are better left in the rose-colored world of our memories. There’s a reason some things fade into the sunset. Just think of the saying “Never meet your heroes.” Remember Chicken Selects? During their first run I couldn’t get enough of them. When they brought them back, I had them once, they weren’t as good as I remembered, and I never considered getting them again. P’Zones were awesome when they were first around. Then they got discontinued and for some reason Pizza Hut brought them back. Now they’re pretty much poison. I never had this sauce when it was around so I don’t really have any idea of the flavor or anything, but I’d be willing to bet that the diehards out there who were the first to sign the petition might not be so thrilled that McDonald’s brought it back after they try it. This is just a piece of advice for the fast food industry and it’s consumers: let’s keep some things exclusive. You know what I haven’t really wanted in a while? McDonald’s breakfast. Once they made it all day there was no reason to go anymore. Waking up in a state of questionable health, realizing you only had 30 minutes, then making it there in time was such a rush. It was a high that helped get me through college. Now? Why go to McDonald’s early if I can get it all day? Might as well go to a real place for breakfast. When Burger King brought back Chicken Fries but then kept them permanently, there was no rush to go try them anymore since you knew they’d be there tomorrow. It’ll probably be the same thing with this sauce. Unless they slap it with a Limited Time Only label, after the first week no one’s gonna be scrambling to try the Szechuan Sauce. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Taco Bell is the only one that handles these the right way. They’ll introduce some crazy new menu item, get the buzz going, take it off the menu after about a week, replace it by bringing some beloved menu item back, get more buzz going, take it away after a week, rinse, repeat. They’re masters of continuing hype and leaving the people wanting more. McDonald’s? Not so much. They left the Big ‘N’ Tasty on the menu for a decade and sold less than ten of them. They don’t exactly have their finger on the pulse of what the consumers want. So I fully expect them to bring this sauce back, announce that they’re adding it permanently to their menu, and ruin any hype they had built up. Just par for the Mickey D’s course these days.

KFC is bringing Fried Chicken Pizza to Singapore and my Burden has never felt heavier

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This fried-chicken-as-pizza-crust monstrosity known as the Chizza has been making its way through Asia and is inevitably coming to America. And I will inevitably try it.

I was there for the waffle taco (not bad). I was there for Lay’s Chicken and Waffle chips (only Lay’s I’ll ever eat. So good). I was there for Dunkin’ Donuts’ donut breakfast sandwich (not the best thing I’ve eaten). I was even there for Pizza Hut’s hotdog pizza (still can’t decide if it was good or not). None of the other stoner dream concoctions made me question my wellbeing and self-worth more than this. Look at that thing! Even in the promotional picture it doesn’t look great. I’ll spare your stomach from the picture of the genuine article. But, this is the cross I bear. The burden I carry with me every day of my life: to try every crazy fast food and snack item to hit the market so other people don’t have to. I’m not calling myself a hero. I’m not looking for awards and accolades. I’m not looking for attention. I’m fine with being a silent guardian protecting people’s wallets, palettes, and bowels from the shadows. But sometimes I wonder if anyone is protecting mine. I know for a fact KFC isn’t. Considering their startling rate of innovation, I know Taco Bell isn’t. Lately, I don’t even know if McDonald’s, who had long been the rock in my life, has my best interests in mind since they’ve trotted out two variations on Big Macs and new flavors of Shamrock Shakes in the last week (I can’t complain too much, though. They were all amazing). I realize this is like Batman asking the Joker to take a week off from crime, but what if just one place introduced a new non-salad item that didn’t take 10 years off my life?

Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t think I’d ever eat something kind of healthy at a fast food place. It’s not in my DNA. As much as I try to fight it, eating crazy fast food items is more than just my calling in life. It’s an innate skill. My blessing and my curse. I don’t know if it’ll be a week, a month, a year, or a decade before the Chizza comes to America. No matter when, I’m trying it. And I already know I’ll regret it.

Any and all food reviews will take place on my snapchat: briancurran11