2017 Oscar Predictions

The 85th Academy Awards® will air live on Oscar® Sunday, February 24, 2013.

The Oscars. The ultimate night of glitz and glamor. The biggest gathering of established Hollywood elites and breakout stars you can find. For a true cinematic savant like myself, watching the Academy Awards is always a highlight of the year, despite how boring the show usually is and how often they get it wrong. Still, I’ll always love the Oscars, because I know it’s only a matter of when, not if, I’m invited (right now I’m aiming for a Best Supporting Actor nomination for my performance in Expendables 4).

As always, you’ve come to the right place for all things prescient. I’ve got a firm grasp on this year’s Oscars, and have decided to share my omniscience with all of you. Feel free to use these picks to make some money, impress at this year’s Oscars viewing party that I know you’re going to, or just to make yourself feel smarter. Now, have I “seen” all these movies? That’s up for debate. But, my silver screen bona fides are not. So, let’s go through every single category and predict the winner. To get you in the mood, here’s the best original song to never win an Oscar.

RIP Paul Walker

Best Supporting Actor

Lucas Hedges, Manchester by the Sea

Michael Shannon, Nocturnal Animals

Dev Patel, Lion (Isn’t the whole movie about him? How is he supporting?)

Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water

Mahershala Ali, Moonlight (WINNER)- Yeah, I’ll admit I didn’t see Moonlight. In fact, the only movie out of all of these I saw was Manchester. But I know he’s gonna win. Trust me, I’m an expert.

Best Supporting Actress

Nicole Kidman, Lion

Viola Davis, Fences (WINNER)- Pretty stacked category here. Powerhouse performances all around. You could probably flip a coin between Viola and Naomi Harris. I will neither confirm nor deny that’s how I made my choice. Still, she’s deserving, and you’ll probably be seeing the 18 years scene in every acting montage from now on.

Naomi Harris, Moonlight

Octavia Spencer, Hidden Figures

Michelle Williams, Manchester by the Sea

Best Cinematography

La La Land

Lion

Silence

Arrival (WINNER)- I kind of just want Arrival to get some love, because that movie was awesome and I don’t want La La Land to win everything (even though I liked it). Pretty much every scene in the space ship was shot perfectly.

Moonlight

Best Animated Feature

My Life as a Zucchini

Moana

Zootopia

The Red Turtle

Kubo and the Two Strings (WINNER)- Kubo was awesome. Almost gave it to Red Turtle, but couldn’t do it.

Best Costume Design

Allied

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Florence Foster Jenkins

Jackie (WINNER)- Let’s go with this.

La La Land

Best Makeup

A Man Called Ove

Star Trek Beyond (WINNER) All I know is that I’m not giving anything to Suicide Squad.

Suicide Squad

Production Design

Passengers

La La Land (WINNER)- I can only deny the fact that La La Land is going to win every award for so long. The sets were excellent, though.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Arrival

Hail, Caesar!

Best Adapted Screenplay

Eric Heisserer, Arrival

August Wilson, Fences

Allison Schroeder and Theodore Melfi, Hidden Figures

Luke Davies, Lion

Barry Jenkins, Moonlight (WINNER)- Been a while since there’s been a good movie with crack as a main plot point. I’m thinking the Academy shares my nostalgia.

Best Original Screenplay

Taylor Sheridan, Hell or High Water

Damien Chazelle, La La Land

Yorgos Lanthimos, Efthimis Filippou, The Lobster (WINNER)- Most underrated movie of the year. Colin Farrell was snubbed in Best Actor and the movie itself was snubbed in Best Picture. This doesn’t totally make up for it, but it’s a start.

Kenneth Lonergan, Manchester by the Sea

Mike Mills, 20th Century Women

Best Documentary (Short Subject)

Extremis

4.1 Miles

Joe’s Violin

Watani: My Homeland (WINNER)- This has to be some kind of refugee story. That’s a surefire victory.

The White Helmets

Best Documentary (Feature)

Fire at Sea

Life, Animated

O.J.: Made in America (What is the audience that’s still clamoring for more O.J. material? Pretty much every year there’s a new book or a new show or something about him. Why? Whose O.J. appetite isn’t yet sated? What possible new information is out there? I’m pretty sure I can give an accurate and in-depth play-by-play of the trial at this point, and I never watch any of this things.)

13th

I Am Not Your Negro (WINNER)- Shocking titles are always in good shape to win. I’ll be worried if Life, Animated turns out to be a Holocaust movie, though.

Best Film Editing

Arrival

Hacksaw Ridge

Hell or High Water

La La Land (WINNER)- I honestly have no real clue how to judge editing anymore. Pretty much every cut and transition is perfect nowadays. Considering how important it is, I just judge it by what I thought the best movie I saw was.

Moonlight

Best Foreign Film

Land of Mine, Denmark

A Man Called Ove, Sweden

Toni Erdmann, Germany

The Salesman, Iran

Tanna, Australia (WINNER)- The poster for this looks like it could be about some Aborigines. If it’s not, this could easily become my worst pick.

Best Original Score

Jackie

La La Land (WINNER)- I wish Arrival got nominated, but since it didn’t, figured I’d give the best music award to the musical.

Moonlight

Passengers (This piece of shit got two nominations?)

Lion

Best Original Song

“Audition (The Fools Who Dream),” La La Land

“Can’t Stop the Feeling,” Trolls (God, I want to pick this so bad. Need Timberlake/Trolls to win an Oscar)

“City of Stars,” La La Land (WINNER)- Probably the safest call of all.

“The Empty Chair,” Jim: The James Foley Story (Is this a real movie?)

“How Far I’ll Go,” Moana

Best Sound Editing

Arrival (WINNER)- Sure.

Deepwater Horizon

Hacksaw Ridge

La La Land

Sully

Best Sound Mixing

Arrival

Hacksaw Ridge

La La Land

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi (WINNER)- Why not?

Best Visual Effects

Deepwater Horizon

Doctor Strange (WINNER)- Legit some of the craziest, trippiest, and best effects ever.

The Jungle Book

Kubo and the Two Strings

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Best Animated Short Film

Blind Vaysha

Borrowed Time

Pear Cider and Cigarettes

Pearl

Piper (WINNER)- Hey, I’ve actually seen one of these! As usual, Pixar delivers the goods.

Best Live Action Short Film

Ennemis Intérieurs

La Femme et la TGV

Silent Nights (WINNER)- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Sing (Not starring Matthew McConaughey)

Timecode

Best Director

Denis Villenueve, Arrival

Mel Gibson, Hacksaw Ridge

Damien Chazelle, La La Land (WINNER)- No better way to pad your Oscar stats than by making a good movie about the Magic of Hollywood.

Kenneth Lonergan, Manchester by the Sea

Barry Jenkins, Moonlight

Best Actress

Ruth Negga, Loving

Isabelle Huppert, Elle

Meryl Streep, Florence Foster Jenkins (I’m so goddamn sick of Meryl Streep)

Natalie Portman, Jackie

Emma Stone, La La Land (WINNER)- I’ve heard Natalie Portman was excellent in Jackie (I wouldn’t know), but I’ll take Emma Stone, and not just because it’s the only movie of these I’ve seen. I always give out points for singing, and quality singing gets super bonus points. Add that to good acting and you’ve got yourself an Oscar winner, folks.

Best Actor

Andrew Garfield, Hacksaw Ridge (I don’t really have a concrete reason, but I’ve deeply despised Andrew Garfield since the second I saw him. He just seems like such a pussy hipster douche. If I could have a real life feud with anybody, it’d be him. I’m not condoning bullying, but I wish I could bully Andrew Garfield.)

Ryan Gosling, La La Land

Denzel Washington, Fences

Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea

Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic (WINNER)- I’ve been #teamAffleck for as long as I can remember, but I will ride or die with Viggo. I’ve seen the Lord of the Rings movies about 1,000 times each, and Viggo gets the adrenaline pumping every time. Wouldn’t have minded if he put some of sword skills to use in this movie, since most of the kids were pretty annoying. Plus, my #teamAffleck membership is mostly for Ben, because Casey is a weirdo vegan hippy. Denzel could easily win, too.

Best Picture

Arrival

Hacksaw Ridge

Fences

Moonlight

Hell or High Water

Hidden Figures

Lion

Manchester by the Sea

La La Land (WINNER)- Personally, I though Manchester was better. But, the Brian’s Den is totally unbiased, and cold, hard reality takes precedence over my own desires. La La Land is winning, whether you like it or not (I’m a sucker for musicals, so I loved it). Don’t rule out a surprise John Wick 2 win.

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