2018 Oscar Predictions


Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Brian’s Den, it’s the second annual Academy Awards Predictions! Here’s your host- Brian!

Thank you! Thank you! Wonderful to be here tonight. So many stars in the audience. I know everyone’s looking for him, so I might as well just come out and say it: you won’t see Daniel Day-Lewis in the crowd tonight. That’s because I’m actually Daniel Day-Lewis! I’ve been watching every awards show opening monologue for the last 20 years to prepare for this, and I think I’ve got it down pat. I think this is where I roast the audience, so bear with me as I scan the crowd.

Looks like Timothée Chalamet is here. Timothée Chalamet, ladies and gentlemen. That’s such a pretentious name that the first time I heard it I thought he was a character in a Terrence Malick movie! Oh! Haha, we have fun here. Oh, oh, Meryl Streep’s here! You heard that right, Meryl Streep is actually at the Oscars! It’s about time she got some recognition. Hate to see it when talented performers go entire careers without being thrust into the spotlight, so I’m thrilled to see her get her due. I think I speak for everyone here when I say we love having you here and are definitely not sick of you whatsoever. Willem Dafoe’s here! Hey, Willem, I hear you’ve got a huge dick. Boom, roasted. Christopher Nolan’s here! Dunkirk was based on a real event, and it’s ending still wasn’t as predictable as Dark Knight Rises! Is that Greta Gerwig is see? Folks, Greta here is nominated for Best Director tonight. Can you believe it? A woman getting Best Director? I haven’t heard a joke that good since I found out why the chicken crossed the road! Haha. No? Uhh, well this is awkward. Let’s just move on, then. Without further ado, the official Brian’s Den Oscar Predictions 2018!

Best Supporting Actor

Christopher Plummer, All the Money in the World

Richard Jenkins, Shape of Water

Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (Winner) Three Billboards is the annual “Oscar contender that I haven’t seen yet,” but he’s won every other award, despite being apparently problematic. In 2018, that’s all the proof I need.

Willem Dafoe, Florida Project

Woody Harrelson, Three Billboards

Best Supporting Actress

Allison Janey, I, Tonya (Winner) I’m honestly not sure why everyone just decided Allison Janey needed to win, but I’m not in the business of giving incorrect opinions.

Laurie Metcalf, Lady Bird

Lesley Manville, Phantom Thread

Mary J. Blige, Mudbound

Octavia Spencer, Shape of Water

Best Original Screenplay

Jordan Peele, Get Out

Greta Gerwig, Lady Bird

Kumail Nanjiani, Emily V. Gordon, The Big Sick

Guillermo del Toro, Vanessa Taylor, Shape of Water

Martin McDonagh, Three Billboards (Winner) Don’t know how something can win Best Picture but not win Best Screenplay. Whoops, forgot to throw a spoiler alert in there.

Best Adapted Screenplay

James Ivory, Call Me by Your Name

Scott Frank, James Mangold, Michael Green, Logan (Winner) Yeah, I’m still addicted to X-Men.

Aaron Sorkin, Molly’s Game

Dee Rees, Virgil Williams, Mudbound

Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Webber, The Disaster Artist

Best Cinematography

Blade Runner 2049 (Winner) Call me small brained, but the bright colors and effects mesmerized me.

Darkest Hour



Shape of Water

Best Costume Design

Darkest Hour

Phantom Thread

Beauty and the Beast (Winner) If I say B+B will win, Emma Watson will surely go on a date with me!

Shape of Water

Victoria & Abdul (what the hell is this movie???)

Best Sound Mixing

Baby Driver

Blade Runner 2049 (Winner) Some quality Sci-Fi sound bursts in there.


Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Shape of Water

Best Sound Editing

Baby Driver

Blade Runner 2049

Dunkirk (Winner) Why not?

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Shape of Water

Best Film Editing

Baby Driver

I, Tonya

Three Billboards

Dunkirk (Winner) I mean, I was able to follow the story, so maybe everyone else is just an uneducated philistine.

Three Billboards

Best Visual Effects

Blade Runner 2049 (Winner) Stacked category but this was the best movie so I’ll assume they’ll just get it.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Kong: Skull Island

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

War for the Planet of the Apes

Best Makeup

Victoria & Abdul


Darkest Hour (Winner) No brainer.

Best Original Song

Mystery of Love, Call Me by Your Name

Remember Me, Coco (Winner) Biggest cakewalk of all time.

Stand Up for Something, Marshall

Mighty River, Mudbound

This is Me, The Greatest Showman

Best Original Score


Phantom Thread

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Shape of Water (Winner) Don’t remember any of these scores so I just picked one.

Three Billboards

Best Animated Short

Dear Basketball

Garden Party

Lou (Winner) As long as it’s not the Kobe one.

Negative Space

Revolting Rhymes Part Ones

Best Live Action Short

DeKalb Elementary (Winner) Flip a coin between this and Watu Wote.

My Nephew Emmett

The Eleven O’Clock

The Silent Child

Watu Wote: All of Us

Best Short Documentary


Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405


Knife Skills (Winner) Talk about a sweet title.

Traffic Stop

Best Documentary Feature

Abacus: Small Enough to Jail

Faces Places (Winner) Just trying to figure out which one is about the Holocaust/ oppression in third world countries.


Last Men in Aleppo

Strong Island

Best Foreign Language Film

A Fantastic Woman


On Body and Soul

The Insult (Winner) This movie is from Lebanon. Enough said.

The Square

Best Animated Film

Coco (Winner) Sorry, Boss Baby


Loving Vincent

The Boss Baby

The Breadwinner

Best Production Design

Beauty and the Beast (Winner) If I pick it to win two awards, she’ll definitely go out with me!

Blade Runner 2049

Darkest Hour


Shape of Water

Best Actor in a Leading Role

Myself, Phantom Thread

Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out

Denzel Washington, Roman J. Israel, Esq.

Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour (Winner) Still think he got robbed for Air Force One.

Timothée Chalamet, Call Me by Your Name

Best Actress in a Leading Role

Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird

Sally Hawkins, Shape of Water

Meryl Streep, The Post

Margot Robbie, I, Tonya

Frances McDormand, Three Billboards (Winner) Please not Meryl, please not Meryl, please not Meryl, please not Meryl, please not Meryl, please not Meryl.

Best Director

Christopher Nolan, Dunkirk

Greta Gerwig, Lady Bird

Guillermo del Toro, Shape of Water (Winner) Deserves it for the sex scenes alone.

Jordan Peele, Get Out

Paul Thomas Anderson, Phantom Thread

Best Picture

Call Me by Your Name

Darkest Hour


Get Out

Lady Bird

Phantom Thread

The Post

Shape of Water

Three Billboards (Winner) It’s gonna win. Write it in stone.


Anyone Who Thinks Daniel Day-Lewis is Really Retiring is a Fool


Following the announcement of this year’s Oscar nominations yesterday morning, I figured I’d check out Phantom Thread. It picked up a ton of nominations and was one of the few prestige movies I hadn’t seen yet. Simple enough (yes, I went to the movie theater while sick, which means I not only helped the theater industry, but the struggling medical industry as well. The more people I get sick, the more people have to go to the doctor. Ipso facto, I should get a cut of all medical bills for the next week or so). Only problem was, this being a fancy movie, it wasn’t showing at either of my go-to joints and I had to go to an unknown theater. I’m not using hyperbole when I say they had the worst seats of all time. It was like sitting on a 2×4 that was on top of a bunch of bricks. And let me tell you, this was not the right movie to watch in an uncomfortable seat. It was typical Paul Thomas Anderson- pretty slow, kinda boring, pretentious, a little weird, but satisfying nonetheless. It was a 2 hour movie that felt like 20. I would have run out of the theater when the end credits rolled if my back wasn’t damaged beyond repair.

Anyway, that’s not the point of this. The main draw for Phantom Thread is, of course, Daniel Day-Lewis. Not only is he fantastic yet again doing a cross between Woody Allen and Larry David as the brilliantly named Reynolds Woodcock, but this is billed to be his final role. That’s right, DDL, the GOAT, the Method Man, the craziest person who ever lived, is hanging them up. Whether or not he ends his legendary career ends with a stunning fourth Oscar is yet to be seen, but it doesn’t even matter. His legacy is set in stone either way. Has been since Last of the Mohicans. He’ll long be remembered as one of the greatest actors to ever live. I’m just sad to see it end. Or rather, I would be if it was actually ending.

If you’re convinced DDL is done, then I’ve got an offshore bank account with 5 million dollars in it that I’ll split with you once I use your social security number to access it. There is absolutely NO CHANCE this guy is done. For starters, he retires after every movie. Take on look at the trivia section of his iMDb page. They had to drag him out of exile to make Gangs of New York! That came out in 2002! Every time he makes a movie he does his method bit, needs some time off to decompress, then comes back when he realizes he has nothing else. He’s a trained cobbler and wanted to be a cabinet maker. Would you rather make shoes and cabinets or be an actor who gets relentlessly showered with praise and awards every time you make a movie? Man, that’s a tough choice. I have no idea what I’d go with. But then again, I have my own motivations and personality. Daniel Day-Lewis doesn’t. I honestly don’t think there’s a real Daniel Day-Lewis. The being we call Daniel Day-Lewis is merely a husk; an empty vessel in the shape of a man. Its only purpose is to channel the spirit of greater, (mostly) terrible men. The crazy stories that come out about its on-set behavior are seen as comical dedication to the Method, but in reality that’s just how the characters he’s channeling would react if put in the same position. DDL physically and emotionally becomes the characters he’s playing. The meek, milquetoast wallflower you see sticking to the perimeter of the red carpet is merely the being taking efforts to avoid interactions when not hosting a more interesting personality. He’s not a real person. Supposedly he has two children and I can’t imagine having a worse father. One day you’re hanging out with quiet, unassuming dad and the next Bill the Butcher is ruining your birthday party by killing five of your friends for looking at him the wrong way. There’s a 0% chance those kids have a normal relationship with him. I’d be surprised if he even knew their names he’s adopted so many different personalities over the years. I give him two years. Two years of being “Daniel Day-Lewis,” making shoes with a family he doesn’t know that undoubtedly resents him and being the most boring person of all time before he realizes he needs to come back. I flat-out refuse to believe he’s actually retired. When he wins his sixth Oscar 15 years from now, I’ll try not to say I told you so.