Team USA Wins the World Baseball Classic

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So last night was the final of the 2017 World Baseball Classic. The United States crushed Puerto Rico 8-0 (wouldn’t USA have technically won either way?), behind a dominant outing from starting pitcher Marcus Stroman (who, full disclosure, I don’t think is very good). It was an exciting game, if only for the fact that the United States finally won their first WBC in the fourth edition of the tournament.

I just hope this leads to more of the top players actually playing. I mean, there’s no reason it should have taken four tries to win the title. Take a look at this year’s roster:

Pitchers:

  • Chris Archer
  • Tyler Clippard
  • Danny Duffy
  • Sam Dyson
  • Mychal Givens
  • Luke Gregerson
  • Nate Jones
  • Jake McGee
  • Andrew Miller
  • Pat Neshek
  • Tanner Roark
  • David Robertson
  • Marcus Stroman

Catchers:

  • Jonathan Lucroy
  • Buster Posey

Infielders:

  • Nolan Arenado
  • Alex Bregman
  • Brandon Crawford
  • Paul Goldschmidt
  • Josh Harrison
  • Eric Hosmer
  • Ian Kinsler
  • Daniel Murphy

Outfielders:

  • Adam Jones
  • Andrew McCutchen
  • Christian Yelich
  • Giancarlo Stanton

Now, obviously that’s a strong roster seeing as how it just won the World Baseball Classic (still needs a better name). It’s the best roster we’ve ever thrown out there. But that’s hardly the best we can do. Let’s tweak this a little and make the best American roster possible, adding in guys like Mike Trout and Clayton Kershaw (are they any good?) and taking out Eric Hosmer (who continues to be the most severely and mysteriously overrated player maybe ever) and Ian Kinsler (who is deserving of a spot, but we can’t have anyone from baseball’s Unwritten Rules Gestapo on our Ultimate USA Team).

Pitchers:

  • Clayton Kershaw
  • Max Scherzer
  • Noah Syndergaard
  • Chris Sale
  • Madison Bumgarner (for the final)
  • Andrew Miller
  • Zach Britton
  • Dellin Betances
  • Addison Reed
  • Chris Devenski
  • Will Harris
  • Craig Kimbrel
  • Nate Jones

Catchers:

  • Jonathan Lucroy
  • Buster Posey

Infielders:

  • Josh Donaldson
  • Nolan Arenado
  • Corey Seager
  • Dustin Pedroia
  • Paul Goldschmidt
  • Brandon Crawford
  • Brian Dozier

Outfielders:

  • Mookie Betts
  • Mike Trout
  • Kris Bryant (he plays plenty of games in left field, trust me)
  • Bryce Harper

Designated Hitter

  • Kyle Schwarber (couldn’t leave him off)

Tell me how that team ever loses. I dare you. Find a way that team loses a game. It’s a trick question, because you can’t. Bryce Harper is the fourth outfielder. Every single pitcher would be the best pitcher on an MLB roster. If, for some reason, the greatest lineup ever constructed wasn’t hitting well I’m not sure if they would give up 10 runs all tournament. Dustin Pedroia/Dozier would probably hit ninth. Think about that. The number nine spot in the order would probably be taken by a guy who had 201 hits and hit .318 or someone who had 42 home runs last year. Paul Goldschmidt might hit seventh. Seventh! Ultimate Team USA would go 162-0 in an MLB season. Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic are the only teams that could think about challenging them. It obviously doesn’t matter now, but this team probably would have ended the World Baseball Classic. They’d Mercy Rule every single team at least 15-0 by the fifth inning. They would have broken every other country’s collective spirit. They would have won so convincingly and in such embarrassingly dominant fashion that they would seriously consider canceling the event to preserve some semblance of diplomatic goodwill. But now that we won the title with the B/C squad, it’s time to bring out the big guns. 2021 has to be a scorched earth campaign. Take Trout, Bryant, Mookie, Bryce, and the boys and totally decimate the competition. Win the title with a combined score of 120-0. Then go back to sending fringe All Stars. Or college players. Hell, send me for all I care. Just put your foot down and show the world who its baseball daddy is and make a complete mockery of this fun, entertaining, no-Unwritten-Rules tournament. Now, someone do me a favor and cue the music!

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