Red Sox Win the World Series

Folks, it’s the seventh inning and I’m already typing this up. That’s how much the Red Sox have dominated the Dodgers. That’s how much they’ve dominated the entire league all season. The Boston Red Sox are World Champions once again.

The 18-inning loss would have broken most teams. Going down 4-0 the night after losing an 18-inning game would have broken every team. Every team except this Red Sox team. The ate the adversity and spit right back in the Dodgers’ face. Blowout in game 4. Blowout in game 5. One of the most anticlimactic championships I’ve ever experienced. And friends, I’ve experienced a lot of them. Five from the Patriots, four from the Red Sox, one each from the Celtics and Bruins, and two from UConn basketball while I was attending the school. Four if you just factor it all in. Imagine rooting for another group of teams? I can’t.

What a season. What a postseason. So many new Boston legends born in the blink of an eye. Steve Pearce the G.O.A.T. David Price bashed the haters’ brains in. I would die for Joe Kelly, Ryan Brasier, and Nate Eovaldi. Brock Holt might be the most reliable player on the team. If you told me how many future MVP Raffy Devers would win I wouldn’t believe anything under six. Mitch Moreland singlehandedly saved the season. No one will remember how much Mookie and J.D. sucked at the end since they both went deep and now we can just think of them as two of the top three MVP vote getters. Every time I think of Chris Sale’s speech I’m ready to run through the thickest brick wall ever constructed. If 2004 and 2013 never happened, this would be my favorite baseball team ever.

The only question that should be on anyone’s lips is this- Are the 2018 Boston Red Sox the best team of all time? 108 wins. 11-3 in the postseason against two 100-win teams and the loaded Dodgers. Second-most total wins by a title winner ever. Best offense, best defense, and apparently best pitching in the league. I’d put them against anyone in history. Maybe I’m just caught up in the hype. Although, after all these rings, the winning doesn’t feel quite as special as it used to and the losing feels worse. Good thing I don’t do much losing.

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I Won’t Let People Forget About Nathan Eovaldi

I’m going to keep this brief since I’m courageously battling a cold/flu hybrid and staying up until 3:30 surprisingly didn’t help, but last night Nathan Eovaldi submitted a classic Forgotten Playoff Moments game, and I refuse to let him fade into obscurity.

Now, assuming the Red Sox still win the World Series, the likelihood of of him going the way of Chase Utley in 09 are reduced. But the fact that he was the losing pitcher in the longest playoff game ever doesn’t help things. Eovaldi dominated this game. As much as Walker Buehler (remember him?) owned the Sox, Eovaldi owned the Dodgers. 6 innings, one earned run, five strikeouts out of the bullpen when he’d pitched both games before? That should be legendary. Instead, he’ll just be a trivia answer.

Eovaldi put his nuts on the table and dared anyone to do something about it. Eventually, attrition won out. But those twelve hours in between when he entered and when the game ended? It should go down in playoff lore. It was one of the best pitching performances these eyes have ever seen. It reduced Rick Porcello to tears, for crying out loud! This game could have ended a million times before it actually did, but Eovaldi did all any person could have done to keep it going. When he was on the Yankees, I hated Eovaldi passionately. My least favorite player since Joba Chamberlain. I thought he sucked and was grossly overhyped. Now? I would die for him. That’s what playoff baseball does.

An Open Letter to Yankee Fans

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Last night, the Boston Red Sox finally put the Yankees out of their misery. Eliminated them in four games (in Yankee Stadium, no less) to advance to the ALCS. This, of course, means that the Yankees will no, in fact, win the World Series this year. And that makes me sad for Yankee fans everywhere. I know I’ve been hard on this unlikable group of chain wearing, jersey unbuttoning, roided up, greasy, fake-Italian mouth-breathers who can only count to 27 and have an average IQ lower than Mariano Rivera’s postseason ERA, but I’d like to take a moment and give them a message of hope and inspiration:

Good luck in 2019.

MLB Playoffs Start Tonight

Toronto Blue Jays v Boston Red Sox

Alright, I know my baseball coverage has been lacking this year, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been paying attention. Some mixture of business and lethargy kind of hamstrung a lot of stuff I was planning to do during the summer, and baseball kind of got lost in the shuffle once football started. Nothing brings me back to the Pastime, though, than the postseason. The air gets a little crisper, the leaves turn, and buttholes clench tighter and tighter with every pitch, each one having the possibility to decide an entire season. I’ve discussed the baseball playoffs before, but there’s nothing quite like true unpleasantness of playoff baseball to remind everyone why baseball is great. It makes sense, trust me.

This year, there is a clear imbalance the leagues. The American League had three teams win 100 games and another that won its division by a thousand games. The National League had a bunch of good, not great teams. Christian Yelich, who will likely be named NL MVP, wouldn’t finish in the top five of American League voting. Even the A’s, surely the consensus pick for the weakest AL playoff team, would be favored against whomever wins the NL. I mean, no offense to the Braves, but they’re hosting a playoff series while the Yankees are in the Wild Card Game. That tells you all you need to know.

The biggest question, in my biased opinion, facing the league is who can beat the Red Sox? They put together one of the best seasons in franchise history and looked to be the best team in baseball for much of the year. The only problem is the bullpen is hot garbage outside Craig Kimbrel, and they had a troubling inability to beat the Indians, Astros, and Athletics. In case you forgot, those are three of the four playoff teams in the American League. Uh-oh. The Sox did comparatively well against the Yankees, but you’re asking for trouble if you want to face Judge and Stanton in a playoff series. The American League is an unforgiving gauntlet that will force teams to dig deeper than they’ve ever dug before and exhaust every possible option. Whoever wins the pennant will truly earn it. That’s kind of why I’m worried about the Sox. I love this team. It’s easily been my favorite iteration since at least 2013. But there’s just way more questions than there should be about a 108 win team. What happens if Chris Sale isn’t healthy and/or still isn’t great in the playoffs? What happens if the Yankees win the Wild Card and David Price has to pitch against them? Who pitches game 3? Who pitches in literally any inning besides the ninth if things get hairy? I know the offense will show up, and I know the defense will show up. But the pitching, AKA the most important thing in October, is very shaky. That, as they say, is bad. I’ve had a sinking feeling that all these wins would lead to an early exit with the wrong matchup. I’m confident the Sox will win their ALDS. But the Astros and Indians form a collective bugaboo that I’m not sure they can overcome. I’m just glad Alex Cora’s at the helm this time around.

The National League, despite (or, more likely, because of) the lack of juggernauts, is even murkier. The Braves are the only team I would be surprised to see in the Fall Classic, and even then they have enough elite talent to carry them through three weeks. The Cubs and Dodgers should probably be viewed as the two favorites, both because of the talent level and playoff pedigree, but the Cubs might not even survive tonight. The Brewers would be the logical successor to the Cubs position as NL Alpha, but their pitching is in even worse position than the Red Sox, and that’s saying something. The Braves are probably just happy to be there and have their eyes on the coming years. The Rockies, the proverbial Team Playing Well at the Right Time, are red hot and posses the rarest of commodities: pitchers that perform well in Coors Field. But they scored nearly 100 fewer runs on the road than they did at home, and they’re going on the road to play the Wild Card game. The Dodgers, meanwhile, are doing their darnedest to take baseball into the Super Team era, but all of their flashy acquisitions kind of didn’t do that great, and most of their superstars took a step back this season. Do you trust Max Muncy to carry the team? I don’t. Every single NL team has strengths and crippling weaknesses. Who do I think will win? Probably the Dodgers. It just feels like they have the deepest lineup and the deepest pitching. I’d love for the Rockies or Brewers to pull it out, but I just can’t see it.

So, yeah, playoff baseball is finally here. I’ve got a feeling this year’s gonna be something special, folks. Now it’s time to sit back and enjoy grind out every second of the games.

BREAKING: Todd Frazier, Major League Baseball Player, Once Played Little League Baseball

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Absolutely astonishing news has just crossed the Brian’s Den News Desk. The kind of news that shakes the very fabric of society. I can assure you, you’ll forever remember when and where you first heard this. I’m sorry in advance for shattering your entire world view, but I’ve just learned that Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series.

As startling as it may seem, it is indeed true. Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series. I can barely believe it, myself. Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series. To think that someone who performs at the highest level of his profession started playing early in life is crazy enough, but that a future Major League Baseball player would be considerably better than his young peers? Excuse me? What a story. Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series.

For those who don’t know (count me among them, because everything about this story is blowing my mind), the Little League World Series is played in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. Last night MLB had their Little League Classic, which is also played in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. The Mets played in this game. Todd Frazier is on the Mets. Unbeknownst to me, this was not the first time Todd Frazier had played a baseball game in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series, which is a fact I’m still trying to wrap my head around.

Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series for Toms River, New Jersey, which, in the cosmic sense of things, is close to New York City, the city in which he currently plays. The story keeps getting stranger, but stick with me for a moment. Last season, he played for the Yankees, who also play in New York City. After playing in the Little League World Series for Toms River, New Jersey, Todd Frazer got to meet the Yankees, particularly Derek Jeter. There’s photo evidence to prove it to the all the doubting Thomases out there who share my struggles in believing such an outlandish story:

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I just can’t believe something like this escaped my knowledge for so long. I mean, I’m a pretty plugged-in guy. Nary a minor sports storyline goes unnoticed in the Brian’s Den, and yet, here we are. It’s August 20th, 2018, and I just learned that Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series. I guess it’s true what they say: you’re never too old to learn that Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series.

(It should go without saying, but I’m very triggered right now and that I hope Todd Frazier dies an excruciating death because this is my least favorite sports story of all time. WE KNOW TODD FRAZIER PLAYED IN THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES!!!! WE’VE KNOWN FOR 20 YEARS, NOW!!!!! STOP ACTING LIKE THIS IS BREAKING NEWS!!!!!! EVERY TIME TODD FRAZIER’S STUPID FACE IS PUT ON TELEVISION THEY HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO US HOW HE PLAYED IN THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES. WE KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOMS RIVER, NEW JERSEY IS A COMPLETE DUMP AND NOTHING GOOD HAS EVER COME OUT OF THERE, INCLUDING TODD FRAZIER’S UGLY-ASS SWING. TODD FRAZIER IS SINGLEHANDEDLY TRYING TO RUIN THE GAME OF BASEBALL FOR EVERYONE. But it’s okay, though, because he played in the Little League World Series.)

Me when someone asks if I knew Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series:

It is with a Heavy Heart that I Announce the New York Yankees have Passes Away

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BOSTON- At approximately 12:50 this morning, the New York Yankees, baseball’s most historic team (owner of 27 ringzzz, if you hadn’t had the pleasure of interacting with a member of the Yankees’ faithful before), were murdered in cold blood by the Boston Red Sox in front of over 37,000 witnesses. The trial is expected to be swift and efficient, as there is little doubt over the perpetrator or method. The Red Sox used a blunt object (believed to be a baseball bat) to cave the fragile skulls of the Bronx Bombers and left them to bleed out on the field. A gruesome sight, to be sure. Many fans are despondent over the loss of their team and have begged God for another chance, but the Almighty has responded, saying “those overdramatic idiots already used up their prayers on a three-week Aaron Judge DL stint, they’re not getting shit.” The Yankees leave behind superstar Aaron Judge and Joba Chamberlain 2.0 Gary Sanchez, who were spared the massacre by virtue of being on the disabled list, an odd bit of mercy displayed by the assailant. Not all is lost, however. Though the Yankees on the whole demonstrated an alarming amount of cowardice over the course of the murder, one player, Shane Robinson, had a fine final hour. According to Brian, of tiny independent website http://www.briansden69.com, Shane Robinson is now his most hated Major League Baseball player and that he “hopes that ugly-ass bald gnome has a good time trying his little heart out while rotting in hell,” and that “I thought the Little League World Series didn’t start until the end of the month.”

For their part, the culprits can now be considered serial killers, as they have murdered numerous baseball teams before turning their sights to their oldest rivals. They appear to be an unstoppable beast with an insatiable lust for blood. With the best lineup in the league and one of the best pitching staffs, they will continue to pile up victims if left unchecked. Chris Sale, Mookie Betts, and J.D. Martinez have amassed horrifying body counts and deserve to spend the rest of their lives in prison.

When reached out to for comment, Yankee manager Aaron Boone was surprised to hear of his team’s death, and “didn’t think anything was going wrong.”

The Burning Questions Mailbag, pt. 3

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Welcome back to the Burning Questions Mailbag. Everyone’s favorite recurring segment has returned with a vengeance, and this is the biggest one yet. The people didn’t disappoint and submitted more Burning Questions than ever before, and I’m more than happy to answer all some of them. Let’s dive right in.

Jerry S. asks: What’s the deal with math?

I’ll be honest, this was my question, not Jerry’s. This is what prompted me to revive the BQMB. What’s up with math? Why do all these complex equations and formulas exist? Every single one of them is an arbitrary human construct designed to solve a problem that humans created. It’s all fake. What real world application does calculus have? When’s the last time algebra helped anyone? What’s the point of any mathematical function outside of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division? Who decided what pi is and who decided it’s infinite? Sine and cosine are the fakest, most pointless things ever. Like who gives a shit what the area of an isosceles triangle is? Why do we still teach our children this crap? If you want to spend the rest of your life playing make believe with all the other mathematicians, you should have to declare yourself a math loser in like, fourth grade so everyone else doesn’t have to waste valuable education time on such a nonsensical and impractical discipline. Like the math problem from Good Will Hunting? Why does that even exist? Why are there unsolvable math problems if math itself is 100000000% man-made? Why did we create something we couldn’t solve? Just proves my point that advanced math is illegitimate and clearly something that should be kept in Neverland where it belongs.

pestooneverything asks: Why would Tory Lanez use a stage name when his real name is Daystar Peterson and what would your stage name be?

That’s a great question. As for the first part, you’d have to ask Tory Lanez himself. I tried contacting him, but he’s not returning my calls at the moment. It’s a long story. As for my stage name, I’m not quite sure. It’s have to be something catchy, and probably short. Maybe I’ll just be Brian. I don’t know, needs workshopping. One thing I know for certain, though, is that my nickname would be Mr. Mistoffelees. The nickname to the nickname is arguably more important, and I need to let people know what I’m all about. I think Mr. Mistoffelees gets the point across.

WhiteKong asks: What’s the worst city in America?

There are a lot, and I mean a LOT, of contenders for this. There’s my hometown of Rutland, Vermont. There’s good ol’ St. Louis. There’s my new home of New York City. There’s probably ten thousand terrible cities across this great country. But, in my mind, the big three of terrible American cities are Reno, Nevada, Detroit, Michigan, and Tampa, Florida. Detroit is obvious and kind of sad, but Reno and Tampa are living monuments to the most reviled sect of the American population: white trash. Nevada opened itself up to cities like Reno getting so bad by making the entire state a lawless commune. If you have the opportunity to trick people into thinking you’re just like Vegas, you’re gonna do it. It’s just when you don’t have any of the allure and panache you’re left with a hellhole of epic proportions. And Tampa is like if every stereotype you have of white people in Florida was a city.

ConfusedReader asks: Can someone focus on their career and have a family without compromising on either end?

Welcome to the Dear Abby portion of the program. Friend, I don’t know if you’ve ever read this website before, but I’m about as close to having a family or fulfilling career as I am to curing cancer, and I can assure you I’m not particularly close to curing cancer.

Out of goodwill, though, I must answer. I’d say yes, because people have been wondering this since the dawn of time and nothing about the way we structure professional lives has ever changed, so I’m guessing people figure it out? If you’re super dedicated to your work, a workaholic, or just plain old obsessed with your career, good luck finding someone that puts up with that longterm, but if you’ve got a regular 40-hour-a-week position, I don’t see why not. As long as you make it to little Jimmy’s baseball games so he doesn’t resent you for not being there, I think you can, at the very least, trick your family into thinking you care more about them than that nice promotion on the horizon.

movieman asks: I’m a little late, but I should totally get MoviePass, right?

Totally. Love MoviePass. It’s how I can afford to see all these movies and live in New York at the same time. Really, if you go like, ten times in a year it pays for itself. Wait, what’s that? MoviePass literally ran out of money and had to get a $5 million loan and is now raising prices and restricting access to blockbusters? Yiiiiiiikeessssss. R.I.P. MoviePass. It was a good run that seemed too good to be true every time I used it. Turns out it was. A free tip for every fledgling business owner out there: make sure you have a way to make money. Hard to stick around if you don’t.

Brian asks: Who was the first underwear manufacturer to account for erections?

Wonderful question, Brian. I’m not sure the answer to that, but I do know who has the most comfortable underwear. That’s right, it’s MeUndies! Right now, my readers can get 10% off their first purchase. Just go to meundies.com and enter the promo code: Brian.

DesperateLover asks: What’s the most polite way to ask for nudes?

“Excuse me, can I please have some nudes?”

BlacktopLebron asks: What’s your current All-White NBA Team?

Don’t know if you mean American white or Euros included, but I’m gonna include Euros just because.

Starters

G- Luka Doncic

G- Evan Fornier

F- Gordan Hayward

F- Kevin Love

C- Kristaps Porzingis

Bench

F- Dirk Nowitzki

F- Doug McDermott

G- Kyle Korver

C- Marc Gasol

C- Pau Gasol

G- Matthew Dellavedova

G- JJ Redick

We’re scoring a lot of points, buttttttt defense might be a bit of an issue.

X asks: Now that Dad Hats are back, what will be the next cool hat?

Cycling hats. Trust me, these things are gonna be huge.

AngryPerson asks: Why did you love Mamma Mia 2 so much? I hated it and loved the first one.

Well, you have my condolences. Being born with no taste must have been very hard for you. Mamma Mia 2 is better because it takes the best part about the first one (the music) and puts it front and center. Mamma Mia tried to have a real storyline, when, in reality, this is quite possibly the most far-fetched franchise plot-wise in history. Mamma Mia 2 embraces the absurdity and just gives the audience banger after banger, while Mamma Mia was caught trying to be both Les Mis and Grease, which didn’t work. 2 knows what it is, 1 didn’t. Both are still fire movies, though.

GuythatworksforXboxandisalegitimateInsiderwhothinksIhaveactualanswers asks: What’s going to be the next big technology that changes gaming? Better AI? 8K? Cloud computing?

Just going off my gut instinct, here, but the next big shift in gaming technology is going to be physical gaming. Imagine this- you have a representation of the game’s world in front of you (let’s call it a board), and a piece (or two, or three, etc.) that acts as a stand-in for the avatar, and, using things like random number generators and games of chance, you move your piece across the game board, fulfilling objectives, collecting loot, and competing against other players. I just think that’s where games are going.

Joseph asks: What’s the most annoying fan base?

I feel like I’ve touched on this before, but the five most annoying fan bases are 5. Patriots (I concede we can be very annoying and easily #triggered at times, but when the entire world makes it their mission to #trigger you, I’m sorry if I have a short fuse) 4. Star Wars (they hardcore fans that complain about everything and make me like the movies less) 3. St. Louis Cardinals (like Yankee fans but midwest) 2. Kobe (Kobe is not a top ten player of all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time) and, of course, 1. Yankees. I’m admittedly biased. But that stupid candle-light vigil for Aaron Judge (who hasn’t even Earned his Pinstripes, IMO) is why the entire country hates every single one of those mongoloid losers. There isn’t a more self-serious and self-aggrandizing group of people on the planet. Please @ me so I can tell you how stupid and detestable you all are.

DP asks: Why are you so soft on Kevin Durant?

Because everyone is so hard on him, and it makes me feel smart to go against public opinion, especially when the basis of most people’s argument is the imaginary concept of “loyalty.” Yes, it completely shattered the competitive balance of the league, but, I don’t know. I just don’t care.

FootballJunkie asks: Who’s your top ten skill position (non-QB) in the NFL?

God, just seeing the word football has me fiending something fierce. This is summer is last in my seasonal power rankings- training camp is the longest period of time ever. I just want some regular season action. Feed me Bengals-Colts on Thursday night. Anyway, top ten skill guys, non-QB.

  1. Healthy Rob Gronkowsi
  2. Antonio Brown
  3. Odell Beckham, Jr.
  4. Julio Jones
  5. Le’veon Bell
  6. A.J. Green
  7. Todd Gurley
  8. DeAndre Hopkins
  9. Travis Kelce
  10. David Johnson

Mr. Thoughtful asks: What’s a good first anniversary gift to give my girlfriend? She likes adventures and traveling but I have no money 😦

Ahh, the age old question. How to keep my significant other appeased despite the fact that I don’t have the necessary funds to shower them in lavish gifts? A true dilemma, if I’ve ever heard one. A love of adventures and traveling, you say? Hmmm. I think I know just the thing! How about a trip to lovely Reno, Nevada! It’s all some of the glitz and glamor of Las Vegas at half the price! It’s an adventure because you won’t know if you’ll get sick from the used needles on the side of the road or the extreme second-hand smoke inhalation, and it’s traveling because I’m assuming you’re a real person and don’t live in Nevada. It’s a win-win! Or, you could make a bunch of artistic renderings of the two of you in all the places you’d like to go and hide them throughout the house. She might appreciate the effort.

BlacktopGriffey asks: Who’s your top ten current MLB players?

A lot of lists this time, but I’m always game to give definitive player rankings that no one can possibly dispute. I’ll do top ten position players and top ten pitchers.

Position Players

  1. Mike Trout
  2. Mookie Betts
  3. Jose Ramirez
  4. Nolan Arenado
  5. J.D. Martinez
  6. Francisco Lindor
  7. Manny Machado
  8. Jose Altuve
  9. Aaron Judge
  10. Joey Votto

Pitchers

  1. Chris Sale
  2. Max Scherzer
  3. Clayton Kershaw
  4. Jacob deGrom
  5. Justin Verlander
  6. Aaron Nola
  7. Gerrit Cole
  8. Corey Kluber
  9. Luis Severino
  10. Zack Greinke

Briansden69 asks: Remember when you went to the Denver Airport and became indoctrinated by the Illuminati? Whatever happe-

Well, I think that’ll about do it for this edition of the Burning Questions Mailbag. Always good to hear from readers and ease their troubled minds. I’ll keep my brain churning to come up with some more Burning Questions as long as you all do, too. Remember, if you have a question, I have the answer.