In Honor of Cinco de Mayo…

Of all the holidays America has bastardized in the name of consumerism and profit, Cinco de Mayo might be my favorite. I love everything about Cinco de Mayo. I’m a huge margarita and Corona guy. Mexican restaurants are always a great time (Power Ranking- Top Five Mexican Food Items: 1. Tortilla chips 2. Enchiladas 3. Mole Poblano 4. Refried Beans 5. tacos) (Don’t @ me). And I love Mexican people and will jump at any opportunity to appropriate their culture. It’s like Cinco de Mayo was created just for me! Another added bonus of Cinco de Mayo is that it kicks off the Official Bud Light Lime SZN (If you drink the sweet, citrusy nectar anytime outside of the Cinco de Mayo-Labor Day window, you have serious personal issues), a true boon for mankind. Nothing bad has ever come out of Cinco de Mayo.

In honor of my Mexican friends, I figured I’d take a peek at what’s going on South of the Border.

‘Mexico must reclaim land stolen by US’

An engineer’s report confirming that 85,000 hectares of United States territory actually belongs to Mexico has renewed calls to reclaim the lost land.

Chihuahua Senator Patricio Martínez, who has long asserted that the border was incorrectly marked too far to the south, lodged the report with the Senate this week.

The report was authored by Chihuahua engineering firm Portillo y Young, whose study of the issue found that the border was incorrectly marked along 436 kilometers of the shared boundary.

The border near Ciudad Juárez, Chihuahua, and El Paso, Texas, is cited as having a 1.5-kilometer discrepancy over a distance of 50 kilometers, adding up to 8,000 lost hectares. In other words, land in New Mexico should actually be in Chihuahua.

Similar irregularities were identified between Sonora and Arizona.

Martínez condemned a statement by the president of the International Boundary and Water Commission that the border was correct, despite contrary evidence in the report.

“With this expert report we are demonstrating that the border is incorrect. There is an absurd attempt to hide or ignore the existence of these differences and the worst thing is it comes from the commission charged with caring for and protecting national territory limits so that they are not moved, changed or relocated,” he argued.

The former Chihuahua governor urged the Secretariat of Foreign Affairs to continue diplomatic steps initiated by former president Porfirio Díaz in 1897, saying that it’s time for the federal government to demand that the United States comply with territorial treaties to the letter of the law.

Mexico ceded half of its territory under the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo in 1848 in exchange for US $15 million and gave up further territory — parts of current day Arizona and New Mexico — as a consequence of the Gadsden Purchase in 1853.

In March, a prominent politician and a lawyer questioned the validity of the 1848 accord.

Martínez stressed that Mexico must send a diplomatic note to Washington in order for border limits to be rectified according to the treaties.

If U.S. President Donald Trump refuses, he favors seeking intervention in the International Court of Justice in The Hague.

He also told Senate President Pablo Escudero that whether the building of President Trump’s promised border wall is imminent or not, it is essential that the border be in the right place.

“We can’t declare the lands lost, they’re stolen, taken away from our national territory and we have to take them back now.”

Huh, would you look at that? Mexico wants some land back. That’s cute. You want some land back, little guy? I’m no expert, but in the grand scheme of things 85,000 hectares doesn’t sound like much. If you want it so bad, just take it. Stuff like this makes me chuckle. Hmm, now that I think about it, this reminds me of something I saw the other day. What was it again?

Ghost towns haunt the Texas landscape

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They dot the landscape with empty shells of buildings or sometimes just signs or markers of what once was.

But ghost towns – those empty, abandoned or forgotten places – are part of Texas history.

Places like Signal Hill, which disappeared from the Texas Panhandle in the 1930s, or Helmic, with a population of 86 in Trinity County in East Texas, carry tidbits and stories of the past.

Uh oh. This is bad. I don’t think the Mexicans are messing around with this. Ghost towns don’t just happen. People don’t build a settlement then just up and leave two seconds later. Something forced them to move. Or, more likely, something killed everyone. And I’m not talking about some Pancho Villa raiders or anything. Then there’s be evidence of a firefight. We’re dealing with some supernatural forces here. And they’re ones this fiery Mexican senator plans on unleashing on us, despite the fact that I’m not sure he can control them. The way I see it, we have two options here: just give Mexico their land back and make them happy, or get moving on that Wall before we have a Game of Thrones situation on our hands. We’ve got until November 2nd to do something before being overrun by these:

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More terrifying than White Walkers. At sundown on the last day of Dia de los Muertos, Senator Martinez will summon an army of calacas to try and take back the land by force. I have no doubt in my mind rogue, angry calacas are the cause of all the ghost towns in Texas. Every Festival of the Dead, they gain the power to walk this world again, and choose to strike down some of their neighbors. But those were caused by a tiny number. What happens when Senator Martinez decides to bring an entire army? I’ll tell you what: nothing good. Imagine you’re awoken from your peaceful slumber by the jovial sounds of mariachi music. You open your eyes, ready to party and have a good time, but then a calaca drains the life from your body, and you join the ranks of the Army of the Dead. Once you’re in the Army, I guarantee the first person you’d meet would be Senator Martinez, who will undoubtedly quickly be hoisted by his own petard. I don’t even know how you’d stop them. It’s not like you can kill them, they’re already dead. They’d probably take over the entire country pretty fast.

Now, I’m sure here’s where you expect me to say that I’d find a solution. But not here. I’m no Azor Ahai. I don’t want any part of fighting an army of jovial looking skeletons. I mean, I might just let them take me. You ever seen Book of the Dead or played Grim Fandango? The World of the Dead seems pretty sweet. It might be better than the real world, if we’re being honest. I might be upset if some hero does emerge. I’m kind of looking forward to this, now. Being a skeleton won’t be that bad. I’ll never have to wear sunscreen again, which, for someone with a very pale complexion, is a very convenient. Plus, I think you get a free mariachi outfit, which is nice. Alright, now I’m on board. Hey, Trump, don’t build that wall! And don’t even think about giving that land back. Let’s get this calaca train rolling.

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