Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Brian’s Den, it’s the second annual Academy Awards Predictions! Here’s your host- Brian!
Thank you! Thank you! Wonderful to be here tonight. So many stars in the audience. I know everyone’s looking for him, so I might as well just come out and say it: you won’t see Daniel Day-Lewis in the crowd tonight. That’s because I’m actually Daniel Day-Lewis! I’ve been watching every awards show opening monologue for the last 20 years to prepare for this, and I think I’ve got it down pat. I think this is where I roast the audience, so bear with me as I scan the crowd.
Looks like Timothée Chalamet is here. Timothée Chalamet, ladies and gentlemen. That’s such a pretentious name that the first time I heard it I thought he was a character in a Terrence Malick movie! Oh! Haha, we have fun here. Oh, oh, Meryl Streep’s here! You heard that right, Meryl Streep is actually at the Oscars! It’s about time she got some recognition. Hate to see it when talented performers go entire careers without being thrust into the spotlight, so I’m thrilled to see her get her due. I think I speak for everyone here when I say we love having you here and are definitely not sick of you whatsoever. Willem Dafoe’s here! Hey, Willem, I hear you’ve got a huge dick. Boom, roasted. Christopher Nolan’s here! Dunkirk was based on a real event, and it’s ending still wasn’t as predictable as Dark Knight Rises! Is that Greta Gerwig is see? Folks, Greta here is nominated for Best Director tonight. Can you believe it? A woman getting Best Director? I haven’t heard a joke that good since I found out why the chicken crossed the road! Haha. No? Uhh, well this is awkward. Let’s just move on, then. Without further ado, the official Brian’s Den Oscar Predictions 2018!
Best Supporting Actor
Christopher Plummer, All the Money in the World
Richard Jenkins, Shape of Water
Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (Winner) Three Billboards is the annual “Oscar contender that I haven’t seen yet,” but he’s won every other award, despite being apparently problematic. In 2018, that’s all the proof I need.
Willem Dafoe, Florida Project
Woody Harrelson, Three Billboards
Best Supporting Actress
Allison Janey, I, Tonya (Winner) I’m honestly not sure why everyone just decided Allison Janey needed to win, but I’m not in the business of giving incorrect opinions.
Laurie Metcalf, Lady Bird
Lesley Manville, Phantom Thread
Mary J. Blige, Mudbound
Octavia Spencer, Shape of Water
Best Original Screenplay
Jordan Peele, Get Out
Greta Gerwig, Lady Bird
Kumail Nanjiani, Emily V. Gordon, The Big Sick
Guillermo del Toro, Vanessa Taylor, Shape of Water
Martin McDonagh, Three Billboards (Winner) Don’t know how something can win Best Picture but not win Best Screenplay. Whoops, forgot to throw a spoiler alert in there.
Best Adapted Screenplay
James Ivory, Call Me by Your Name
Scott Frank, James Mangold, Michael Green, Logan (Winner) Yeah, I’m still addicted to X-Men.
Aaron Sorkin, Molly’s Game
Dee Rees, Virgil Williams, Mudbound
Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Webber, The Disaster Artist
Best Cinematography
Blade Runner 2049 (Winner) Call me small brained, but the bright colors and effects mesmerized me.
Darkest Hour
Dunkirk
Mudbound
Shape of Water
Best Costume Design
Darkest Hour
Phantom Thread
Beauty and the Beast (Winner) If I say B+B will win, Emma Watson will surely go on a date with me!
Shape of Water
Victoria & Abdul (what the hell is this movie???)
Best Sound Mixing
Baby Driver
Blade Runner 2049 (Winner) Some quality Sci-Fi sound bursts in there.
Dunkirk
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Shape of Water
Best Sound Editing
Baby Driver
Blade Runner 2049
Dunkirk (Winner) Why not?
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Shape of Water
Best Film Editing
Baby Driver
I, Tonya
Three Billboards
Dunkirk (Winner) I mean, I was able to follow the story, so maybe everyone else is just an uneducated philistine.
Three Billboards
Best Visual Effects
Blade Runner 2049 (Winner) Stacked category but this was the best movie so I’ll assume they’ll just get it.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
Kong: Skull Island
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
War for the Planet of the Apes
Best Makeup
Victoria & Abdul
Wonder
Darkest Hour (Winner) No brainer.
Best Original Song
Mystery of Love, Call Me by Your Name
Remember Me, Coco (Winner) Biggest cakewalk of all time.
Stand Up for Something, Marshall
Mighty River, Mudbound
This is Me, The Greatest Showman
Best Original Score
Dunkirk
Phantom Thread
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Shape of Water (Winner) Don’t remember any of these scores so I just picked one.
Three Billboards
Best Animated Short
Dear Basketball
Garden Party
Lou (Winner) As long as it’s not the Kobe one.
Negative Space
Revolting Rhymes Part Ones
Best Live Action Short
DeKalb Elementary (Winner) Flip a coin between this and Watu Wote.
My Nephew Emmett
The Eleven O’Clock
The Silent Child
Watu Wote: All of Us
Best Short Documentary
Edith+Eddie
Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405
Heroin(e)
Knife Skills (Winner) Talk about a sweet title.
Traffic Stop
Best Documentary Feature
Abacus: Small Enough to Jail
Faces Places (Winner) Just trying to figure out which one is about the Holocaust/ oppression in third world countries.
Icarus
Last Men in Aleppo
Strong Island
Best Foreign Language Film
A Fantastic Woman
Loveless
On Body and Soul
The Insult (Winner) This movie is from Lebanon. Enough said.
The Square
Best Animated Film
Coco (Winner) Sorry, Boss Baby
Ferdinand
Loving Vincent
The Boss Baby
The Breadwinner
Best Production Design
Beauty and the Beast (Winner) If I pick it to win two awards, she’ll definitely go out with me!
Blade Runner 2049
Darkest Hour
Dunkirk
Shape of Water
Best Actor in a Leading Role
Myself, Phantom Thread
Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out
Denzel Washington, Roman J. Israel, Esq.
Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour (Winner) Still think he got robbed for Air Force One.
Timothée Chalamet, Call Me by Your Name
Best Actress in a Leading Role
Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird
Sally Hawkins, Shape of Water
Meryl Streep, The Post
Margot Robbie, I, Tonya
Frances McDormand, Three Billboards (Winner) Please not Meryl, please not Meryl, please not Meryl, please not Meryl, please not Meryl, please not Meryl.
Best Director
Christopher Nolan, Dunkirk
Greta Gerwig, Lady Bird
Guillermo del Toro, Shape of Water (Winner) Deserves it for the sex scenes alone.
Jordan Peele, Get Out
Paul Thomas Anderson, Phantom Thread
Best Picture
Call Me by Your Name
Darkest Hour
Dunkirk
Get Out
Lady Bird
Phantom Thread
The Post
Shape of Water
Three Billboards (Winner) It’s gonna win. Write it in stone.
