Crullers Are So Underrated


This is kind of random but I was thinking about this all weekend and I needed to post it here. We, as a society, don’t give crullers enough respect. There are a million different varieties, but I’m not talking about the fancy French twists or the ones that are just sticks. I’m talking about the twisted ones that are essentially just long donuts. Nice and doughy and covered in cinnamon sugar. I think they’re more of a New England thing than anything else, but, as with most things, New England is at the top of the mountain when it comes to breakfast foods. It’s time they go more mainstream.

Honestly, they’re more practical than traditional donuts. If you’re a donut dunker, the rod is much easier to dip than the circle. The stick fits any cup opening, the wheel leaves you to the whims of fate. What if the cup isn’t big enough to accommodate a fresh, unbitten donut? If you’re a dunker (I’m not because, as always, I’m mentally strong enough to eat foods without dipping them in anything), this has to be an issue. You’ve already committed to eating the donut slathered in coffee au jus, but the first bite, the most important bite, might wind up either dry or inadequately covered. That’s devastating. Crullers eliminate this. They have yet to develop a non-novelty cup that a cruller can’t fit into. Crullers were made for dipping. That’s why they’re on this planet. To be dipped in your morning coffee (or, in my case, to be eaten in under ten seconds sans joe).

They’re also easier to eat. You know what’s an annoying micro-decision? After you take the first bite of donut you have to pick which direction you’re going to eat in. Crullers you take the first bite and then the second bite is in the exact same place as the first one. Life is hard enough without your food making you think twice about where to bite next. Because there is a wrong answer, and you usually can tell right away. It differs from donut to donut, but if you go left when the universe intended for you to go right, it’s gonna ruin your eating experience. The only choice you need to make with crullers is how many to eat.

Crullers also taste better. When you get those bits of twist where the cinnamon sugar penetrated real deep, it’s like seeing the Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter has multiple baskets of crullers under his desk at all times, they’re the only things that keep him going. Regular cinnamon sugar donuts are obviously Hall of Fame level, but Tom Brady and Eli Manning are both Hall of Famers, too. Doesn’t mean they’re in the same class. Crullers take everything that make donuts good and improves on it. Better with coffee, better on the go, better period. It’s time for the cruller boom.

I swear this isn’t just an ad for McDonald’s new Donut Sticks.

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