This is kind of random but I was thinking about this all weekend and I needed to post it here. We, as a society, don’t give crullers enough respect. There are a million different varieties, but I’m not talking about the fancy French twists or the ones that are just sticks. I’m talking about the twisted ones that are essentially just long donuts. Nice and doughy and covered in cinnamon sugar. I think they’re more of a New England thing than anything else, but, as with most things, New England is at the top of the mountain when it comes to breakfast foods. It’s time they go more mainstream.
Honestly, they’re more practical than traditional donuts. If you’re a donut dunker, the rod is much easier to dip than the circle. The stick fits any cup opening, the wheel leaves you to the whims of fate. What if the cup isn’t big enough to accommodate a fresh, unbitten donut? If you’re a dunker (I’m not because, as always, I’m mentally strong enough to eat foods without dipping them in anything), this has to be an issue. You’ve already committed to eating the donut slathered in coffee au jus, but the first bite, the most important bite, might wind up either dry or inadequately covered. That’s devastating. Crullers eliminate this. They have yet to develop a non-novelty cup that a cruller can’t fit into. Crullers were made for dipping. That’s why they’re on this planet. To be dipped in your morning coffee (or, in my case, to be eaten in under ten seconds sans joe).
They’re also easier to eat. You know what’s an annoying micro-decision? After you take the first bite of donut you have to pick which direction you’re going to eat in. Crullers you take the first bite and then the second bite is in the exact same place as the first one. Life is hard enough without your food making you think twice about where to bite next. Because there is a wrong answer, and you usually can tell right away. It differs from donut to donut, but if you go left when the universe intended for you to go right, it’s gonna ruin your eating experience. The only choice you need to make with crullers is how many to eat.
Crullers also taste better. When you get those bits of twist where the cinnamon sugar penetrated real deep, it’s like seeing the Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter has multiple baskets of crullers under his desk at all times, they’re the only things that keep him going. Regular cinnamon sugar donuts are obviously Hall of Fame level, but Tom Brady and Eli Manning are both Hall of Famers, too. Doesn’t mean they’re in the same class. Crullers take everything that make donuts good and improves on it. Better with coffee, better on the go, better period. It’s time for the cruller boom.
I swear this isn’t just an ad for McDonald’s new Donut Sticks.
Some of you may remember I recently declared that I was about to save Applebee’s. That by testing the limits of their All You Can Eat Chicken Tenders I would create enough buzz to bring the casual dining chain back from the brink of millennial-fueled extinction. I am sad to report Applebee’s has spit in my face and told me they would not like my help.
I said I would go last week to film a video. Hand up, that’s on me. Life got in the way (I really just didn’t feel like it, but if you just say life got in the way no one ever questions it) and I couldn’t Eat Good in My Neighborhood. But I had today circled on my calendar. I was going to get a haircut (I finally found my New York City person. Very difficult thing for white people) and head on down to ‘bee’s for as much chicken as I could shovel into my gullet. It was a nice day I had planned out for myself. Only thing is, when I get to Applebee’s, they tell me they’re no longer doing All You Can Eat Chicken. I couldn’t believe it. I was stunned. Floored, even. You’ve never seen someone leave a restaurant as fast as I left that Applebee’s.
People may think I’m mad. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. Does it suck that I lost a good video that would have gotten
thousands hundreds dozens of views? Yeah, it does. But I’m not disappointed for my sake. My brand will survive this. Applebee’s won’t. I don’t know if they were worried they couldn’t stock enough chicken to appease me or just have a long-standing grudge against the Brian’s Den, but for whatever reason they decided they wouldn’t allow me to save them. As I said in the first post, I grew up on Applebee’s. Spent many a night at the Rutland, Vermont location. It was the closest thing we had to big city living. Knowing that, theoretically, someone in L.A. or Texas or New York could be having the same meal as I was eating opened my eyes to just how small our country really is. And it’s sad to see them like this. They’re dying. Everyone can see they need help. And yet, they’re too proud to grab the hand being held out to them. To see that a popular social media influencer has interest in doing a video at one of your restaurants and have your reaction be removing the promotion that drew him in is classic self-destructive behavior. I tried to help once, and Applebee’s turned me away. If they want to go down in flames, I won’t stop them. At some point, some people just refuse to be helped. I’m just sad it had to end this way. Rest in peace, Applebee’s. Coach Taylor and I will never forget you.
They say millennials are killing Applebee’s and other casual dining chains. That we don’t go out to eat as much and our tastes are evolving. Well, Applebee’s just fired up the Bat-signal and I’m answering the call. Like a white knight riding into battle in the eleventh hour, this millennial is going to save Applebee’s.
How, you ask? Simple. In a desperate move to attract business, Applebee’s is offering all you can eat riblets and tenders for $12.99. They’re giving it away. They’re practically begging someone to come in and film a video of themselves testing the limits of the “all you can eat” policy. I’m not too proud to oblige them. So, to prove millennials still eat at Applebee’s, I’m going to Eat Good in my Neighborhood, and I’m going to eat a lot. Haven’t been to an Applebee’s since I left home (Applebee’s is a Rutland, Vermont delicacy), but next week I’m heading into Coach Taylor’s favorite dining establishment to see how many tenders I can eat (riblets are too hard to eat to truly binge). It will be captured on film, naturally. So start placing your bets before it’s too late. The early over/under has been set at 21.5, but it could change depending on the action. Get hyped, because I’m officially bringing Applebee’s Back.
Wow. As of today, it’s officially been a full year since I started The Brian’s Den. I know, I know. Congratulations to me and all that. Hard to believe it’s been 365 days since, a day after George Michael’s death, I decided to start this website. There’s been a lot of ups and a couple downs, but hopefully it was never boring. The world takeover hasn’t quite happened yet, but I still appreciate everyone who comes here to waste a few minutes every day. You’re all part of the the most exclusive club in the world, so don’t be afraid to puff out your chest a little bit and act like you’re better than everyone. You read the most educational website in the world, after all.
Now, were I a true professional, I’d have something special planned for my one year anniversary. Unfortunately, I’m not, so I don’t. So instead of forcing some content to materialize that undoubtedly won’t be good, I figured I’d just run back some posts that I know are good. That’s right, it’s the Official Brian’s Den clip show!
Coors Field Concession Review
Denver Airport Conspiracy
Hot Dog Eating Contest
Episode 1 of my short lived cooking show (RIP)
How I Saved New York City
Can’t go too long without mentioning my (sort of) signature series, Burning Questions
Burning Questions Hub
The Food Takes
Which Fast Food Place Has the Worst Dressed Customers?
Fast Food Sauces Stink
Halloween Candy Power Ranking
Crab > Lobster
Why I Hate Lunch
The Grocery Store Rules
Best Pizza Chain
The Best #sports Talk
What’s up with JJ Redick’s tattoos?
The NBA’s Hidden Crime Syndicate
This is probably problematic but I still think it’s funny
Is Aaron Judge a True Yankee?
Pats Won the Super Bowl if you hadn’t heard
Best Action Movie Characters
Stop Calling Die Hard a Christmas Movie
The Greatest Video Ever Made
Is The Weeknd a Virgin?
The Next Oscar Winner
The comprehensive list of Yu-Gi-Oh! takes
The Special Occasions
Countdown to 2017
Christmas (including Hawaiian Christmas)
So, what’s your favorite post? Did it show up here? Or do I have so many good ones that I overlooked some? What was my worst one (trick question, of course)? Let me know what you liked and would like to see more of. It was a good year one, and hopefully year two will be a big one.
Watch out, everyone. I’m in the cooking video game now.