Happy 4th of July

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We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator certain unalienable rights, that among those are the ability to eat ten billion hot dogs at a barbecue without judgment, taking off work because of the events of almost 250 years ago, and the pursuit of the perfect amateur fireworks display.

July 4th is, and always will be, a special day in America. It’s the day we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence (it always struck me as odd that just the signing got the holiday when England actually receiving word of the Declaration would be the more meaningful event, but alas. Also shout out to my boy Richard Henry Lee, who put forth the motion to declare independence, which was approved on July 2nd, 1776, only to be completely Independence-cucked by Thomas Jefferson and completely forgotten) by doing what our Founding Fathers would have done: drink a ton of beer, eat a ton of dogs and burgers, and generally do absolutely nothing until watching (or creating) a fireworks display. It’s a great time. It’s such a great time, in fact, that I’m not going to waste your time with an overly long piece about the merits or supposed faults of July 4th. Instead, here’s a bunch of inspiring videos.

Happy 4th of July, everybody.

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You Are Cordially Invited to Celebrate Brian’s Sweet Sixteen!

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When: Wednesday, January 10th, 4:07pm-3am (If you can’t stay the whole time don’t bother showing up!)

Where: Gold Club, Atlanta, GA

Please join us as we celebrate Brian’s 16th birthday! (Please note that this invitation does NOT come with a plus-one. If your date’s presence was wanted, they’d get an invitation!) It’s going to be a fun night filled with fun, games, and, of course, the man of honor! Chick-fil-a will provide the food (spicy chicken sandwiches are OFF LIMITS until Brian says he’s had his fill of them. Anyone caught eating one before that will be asked to leave and will not receive a gift bag!) David Guetta will be on the 1s and 2s, so bring your boogie shoes! Be warned though, no one is allowed to outshine Brian on the dance floor! Events on the schedule include: Brian hitting the piñata without a blindfold, video presentation of celebrities wishing Brian a happy birthday, unveiling Brian’s new car (an Aston Martin, per Brian’s instructions), capture the flag (Brian gets to win!), popping the Ace of Spades bottles at midnight, and cutting the cake. Gifts are required, but if Brian doesn’t love your gift you will be asked to leave. If you are unsure of what to get, please refer his Amazon Wish List. If you do not have access to the wish list, please just purchase a Nintendo Switch or Xbox One X. If you do not have access to the list and cannot afford the gaming systems, please return this invitation, as you clearly got it by mistake. Hope you’re ready for a great night honoring our beloved Brian! It’ll going to be an event to remember.

Please RVSP ASAP. No RVSP, no entry.