Category: Movies

I’m so hyped for this Captain Underpants Movie

captain-underpants-new-poster

Maybe I’m just not watching the right channels, but somehow this isn’t the biggest news in the entire world. The Captain Underpants movie comes out today. This is the biggest movie since John Wick 2 and I haven’t been beaten over the head with a relentless add campaign. Classic media, only showing you what they want you to see. Whatever, more room in the theater for me.

I think it’s safe to say I wouldn’t be who I am today without Captain Underpants. I loved everything about the stories. I still do, really. I just identified with George and Harold (mostly Harold, since he’s white). Growing up, I read the Harry Potter books an infinite amount of times. Well, I read the Captain Underpants books more than that. Captain Underpants is more than just a brilliant character and book series. It represents a way of life. To be who you really are deep down inside. To live without shame. To fight for truth, justice, and all that is pre-shrunk and cottony. The books and illustrations were so good I didn’t even think there needed to be a movie. But now that there is one? I’m jacked up. I’m ready to run through a brick wall. I’m gonna be hootin’ and hollerin’ in the theater like it’s the Comedy Night at the Apollo. I’m ready for Action. I’m ready for Thrills. And I’m ready for Laffs. I’m almost hesitant to give a review on it since I’m so biased, but I lack any journalistic integrity, so it’s all good. And let’s be honest. The source material is so good, it’s impossible for this movie to be bad. Hopefully this introduces a new generation to the wonderful exploits of Mr. Krupp, the bravest man who ever lived. I feel like the Patriots just won the Super Bowl again.

TRA LA LAAAAAAA!!!!!

Hugh Jackman says he didn’t know Wolverines were Real

wolverine-and-wolverine

source– Jackman didn’t know wolverines were real things. He thought it was a play on “wolf.” According to Page Six, Jackman said at a panel, “I literally, embarrassingly did about two weeks of research on wolves. I was rehearsing for three weeks and I was shooting, so I was kind of on my own.”

While on the set of 2000’s X-Men, director Bryan Singer noticed something was not right: “He said, ‘Are you sort of walking funny, what’s going on?’ And I said, ‘I’ve been doing this thing with wolves,’ and he goes, ‘You know you’re not a wolf, right?‘”

“I said, ‘Well, there’s no such thing as a wolverine,‘” Jackman said, erroneously. He was instructed to “go to the zoo, dude.”

Alright, as an amateur expert zoologist, I’m sure everyone’s expecting to tear my guy Hugh to shreds for such ignorance. How can someone not know that the source of inspiration for the character he’s spent half his life playing was a real creature? He’s a superstar actor, surely he has enough spare time to do a second of research. I mean, he’s spent enough time in America to have heard plenty about wolverines, after all. Did he think Michigan named it’s teams after nonsense? No, I’m not going to criticize him for that kind of ignorance. Everyone gets one moment of stupidity every now and then. What I’m really upset with him about is the fact that he doubted the existence of any animal as an Australian.

He’s seen the kind of things in his backyard, right? There’s an entire clade of animals that only exists there. You literally can’t find marsupials anywhere else in the world because they’re too weird. Koalas are like the most normal looking. Kangaroos are pretty much people with tails and a worse attitude. And the egg laying mammals are complete freaks. I mean, echidnas? Look at these things:

218a9ef265f842851413d5dca427b755

And platypuses?

platypus-diving-adapt-945-1

He lives with these things and he thinks wolverines are fake? What? Are Australians’ views of the world so skewed by the monsters that live next door that they can’t even fathom what normal animals are like? Are they so used to crazy reptiles that spit poison out of every part of their body that a regular old wolverine seems fake? How can you run around with giant snakes and alligators and dingos and emus and the like and have the nerve to think any animal can be fake? That’s what everyone should be questioning here. I refuse to believe Hugh actually thought that there were animals that didn’t exist. If I were Australian I’d believe in pretty much any legend you told me, because odds are I’ve already seen worse. That’s why I think this is fake. Just a story Hugh made up to seem more relatable. Sorry, Hugh, I’m not buying it. You’re not like me. I can’t be Wolverine. Telling me a made up tale about not knowing wolverines exist doesn’t make me like me like you more.

The GOAT of educational videos:

One Man’s Opinion: The Rock and Vin Diesel are the Greatest Acting Duo of All Time

49028434-cached

With the release of Fast 8 mercifully only a week away, the relationship between Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson and Vin Diesel back into the limelight. Every time a new Fast movie comes out, we learn that, shockingly, two of the biggest Alpha Dogs in Hollywood can’t get along. While part of me is sad that two of my idols actively hate each other, I really wouldn’t have it any other way. Duos that can’t stand each other always produce the best results. Think about all the examples: Penn and Teller, Mike and Mad Dog, Abbott and Costello, Lennon and McCartney, Shaq and Kobe, Stallone and Willis, literally any musical duo where one person is more famous than the other, you name it. And there’s absolutely no denying it- every time Rock and Diesel share the screen, the results are pure electricity.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AkUxZG2jt0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Jr_am0SY-s

There’s real hatred there. You can feel the animosity. And yet, every scene they share ranks up there among the best ever recorded. This is going to be their fourth movie together, and while I haven’t seen it yet (I somehow don’t get access to advance screenings yet), I already know it’s going to be amazing (quick Fast power rankings: 5,7,6,4,2,1,3). I already know that every Toretto-Hobbs scene is going to be the ultimate combination of great action, poignant self-reflection, and zippy one-liners. Those two just have it, with it being perfect onscreen chemistry. They were created to make cinematic excellence together. And the fact that they hate each other only adds to it. It keeps them from doing too many movies together. If you saturate the market with great Rock-Diesel content, it’s hard to recognize any of it as triumphant anymore. Keep it exclusive. Just make a Fast and Furious movie every other year then don’t speak again until the next one. It’s a perfect formula. Off the top of my head, I really can’t think of another two actors who are in a bunch of things together and are always as good as Rock and Diesel. Scratch that, I know I can’t think of any because no other two actors are capable of reaching the highs these two achieve almost effortlessly. They may be the best entertainment duo since LMFAO. At some point the Oscars have to take notice. I already know that from now until next year’s Oscars, there won’t be five lead acting performances better than either Vin Diesel’s or The Rock’s. They both need to be nominated, at least. Possibly even be co-winners. Actually, The Rock should probably win, because having to pretend to be in the slightest bit threatened by Vin Diesel is maybe the highest degree-of-difficulty acting I’ve ever seen.