I’m So Out on Showers Before Bed


I don’t know how long this is gonna be, but I just had to come online and riff on something for a little bit. Last night circumstances dictated that I took a shower at like 10:30. At the time it was refreshing and made me feel clean, but it didn’t take long for me to remember all the reasons I hate nighttime showers and how big of a sheep everyone that buys into the media’s pro-bedtime wash agenda is.

Yeah, I guess feeling fresh right before bed is okay, but who is that for? Whom does that benefit? Yourself? Why? Your “spouse” or “significant other?” Please, I’m a real man I’m always alone. You know what I really care about? Strangers’ opinions of me. Random coworkers’ opinions of me. And I would rather be dead than have people whisper about how bad I smell. There’s not an ounce of hyperbole in that sentence. I’m not that attached to this life, I got no problem going out if I’m the smelly guy. And that’s exactly what you open yourself up to when you shower before bed. Going to bed fresh just means you wake up not fresh. I sweat when I sleep and I’m guessing you do, too. I don’t clean my room very often and I’m guessing you don’t, either. I’m gross when I wake up. I have to shower. I just got some fancy new soap, that smell isn’t gonna last for the like, 10 hours in between shower and when I enter the world again all the way through to when I go home. Am I supposed to shower at night then again in the morning? I don’t think I have a naturally bad smell (if I do I blame everyone around me who never had the courage to say something), but I need the extra help of fresh soap and deodorant to ease my mind. If I take a shower before bed then just crawl out of bed and leave I’m gonna be looking over my shoulder to see if people are pointing and whispering and smelling my armpits every two seconds. Taking showers at night takes a reckless level of self-assuredness that I simply do not possess. I’m glad I don’t have it, too. The world really only needs about 5-10 mavericks who genuinely don’t care about other people’s opinions. Everyone else should shower when they wake up.

It also messes up my hair. If I’m going somewhere other than the grocery store or a fast food/fast casual restaurant, I can’t show up with bedhead. If I have to commit significant time in the morning to fixing my hair, why wouldn’t I just take a full shower? My face is probably kind of funky, so if I wash my face why not just take a full shower? I’m a slow starter in the morning, if only there was something that could get my brain firing a little bit while also freshening up. Where’s the efficiency in nighttime showers? I’m struggling to find it.

If you google “shower in morning or night” you’ll find results saying nighttime is the better shower time. This is false. This is propaganda by Big Deodorant and Big Hair Product and Big Face Wash and all the other corporations that stand to benefit from you needing to take a shower in the morning but stubbornly not doing so because you showered the night before. Open your eyes! Why would “science” want everyone walking around all gross and sweaty and smelly? So you’re more susceptible to products like shower wipes and perfumes and deodorant sprays. But if you just used a tiny amount of critical thinking you would easily see that you’re being manipulated. Just shower in the morning. You’ll save money, be happier, and smell better. If it doesn’t work, then you just stink. Sorry.

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