Unpopular Opinion: Kelly Clarkson’s Wrapped in Red is the Best Christmas Album of the Last 33 Years

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As many of you certainly know by now, we’re smack dab in the middle of Christmas SZN, which means it’s prime time for Christmas music. There’s a lot of great Christmas music out there, and, if you’re somehow new to the genre, it can be a little overwhelming. The market is pretty darn saturated (it’s still one of my biggest dreams to record a Christmas album. That’s how I’ll know I’ve made it. Just imagine the cover of Brian’s Den Home for the Holidays), and it’s very easy to go down the wrong path. Luckily, I’m a bit of a Christmas music expert, and, in the spirit of the season, I’ll gladly give my two cents on what kind of Christmas music you should be listening to. Now, you can go anywhere on the Internet and find Christmas album rankings, and all of them will have the same five ones and it’ll just be the most famous ones and all that. But here’s a little tip you can only get here: Kelly Clarkson’s Wrapped in Red is the greatest Christmas album of the last 33 years. Why 33 years? Well, 33 years ago, this was released:

Enough said. With some notable exceptions, the majority of Christmas music was written before “Last Christmas” came out. So, for the most part, it was an even playing field for everyone who released a Christmas album afterwards, unless they felt like experimenting and releasing a new song. Some of these new songs worked. Most don’t. So, in the interest of creating the biggest pool from which to draw inspiration, only albums released after 1984 should be considered for the true connoisseur. Sure, there are some high quality pre-Wham! Christmas albums, but if half the songs you know and love haven’t even been written yet, what’s the point? I’d feel like I was cheating you, Christmas music neophyte, if I suggested a Johnny Mathis album that didn’t have a cover of “Santa Baby” included. Feel free to listen and enjoy, but some of the older albums have a much purer, more concentrated Christmas feel to them. Most of the time, only the more seasoned Christmas music listeners can handle the hopeful, more innocent, less cynical sounds of Bing Crosby and the like. We all know better than to feel optimistic about stuff these days, right? Every day was sunshine and rainbows for the folks in the 50s, and their Christmas music reflects that. So, modern=better.

I know what you’re thinking. “There must be a million Christmas albums released since 1984. What makes Kelly Clarkson’s the best?” Well, I’ll get to that shortly, but first I need to give out some honorable mentions, because there’s a lot of good Christmas albums out there. Two things to remember: 1. This is albums, not songs. I’m sorry I didn’t touch on your favorite song even though it’s really popular. That just means the rest of the album stunk. 2. This is non-religious only. There’s some hot, hot religious-only albums out there, but I figured I’d stick with the mainstream, mall soundtrack fare (for posterity’s sake, my top five religious Christmas songs: 1. O Holy Night 2. Oh Come, All Ye Faithful 3. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing 4. Angels We Have Heard On High 5. The First Noel). Most Christmas albums worth their salt have at least one religious song, anyway, so the singer can show off their range. It goes without saying, but if you like “Dominick the Donkey,” “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas,” “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” or “Do They Know It’s Christmas” you should be euthanized.

Honorable Mention

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Mariah Carey-Merry Christmas

Need to give a shoutout to Mariah for the unquestioned GOAT secular Christmas song. “All I Want for Christmas is You” is somehow both the most overplayed song of all time and the one song in the world that never gets old. It’s a musical triumph. I’ll be totally honest, I’ve never listened to the rest of the album, so it could either be horrible or I could have picked the wrong album to base this whole post around. I’m gonna assume it’s just okay outside AIWFCIY, so I think it’s fine putting it here.

Best Song:

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Leona Lewis- Christmas, with Love

Man, I thought Leona Lewis had next in 2007. She’s got some serious pipes and I have no idea why she’s not the biggest star in the world now. Oh, well, at least she released a great Christmas album. Three original songs seems like a little much when two of them aren’t great (“One More Sleep” is my jam), but the rest of it is pure heat to warm up even the coldest of winter nights.

Best Song:

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*NSYNC- Home for Christmas

If you don’t like “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” you can go ahead and stop reading this right now.

Best Song:

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Michael Bublé- Christmas

I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t mention the unofficial voice of Christmas, Michael Bublé. Somehow he only has one Christmas album despite the fact that you can find a Bublé cover of essentially every Christmas song ever made somewhere online. Pretty sure 90% of the Bub-god’s salary is made in late-November and December, and for good reason. This is a classy album that perfectly serves as inoffensive background music, but definitely lacks the kind of spiciness other albums have.

Best Song:

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Various Artists- A Very Special Christmas 2

This kind of represents the entire Very Special Christmas franchise. Despite my hatred of of “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” I’m a sucker for star-studded ensembles. Very Special Christmas is essentially just a Christmas music greatest hits album, so it’s kind of cheating a little bit, but it’s still great. Very Special Christmas 1 is disqualified for having “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” on it, but 3 is also excellent.

Best Song:

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Michael Bolton- This is the Time

Michael Bolton is a god who came to Earth to give soulful, sultry ballads to the masses.

Best Song:

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Various Artists- Christmas on Death Row

Just the album cover alone gets this a mention.

Best Song:

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NewSong- Sheltering Tree

Just kidding.

Best Song:

Alright, enough of the also-rans. Let’s get to the reason you’re here: Kelly Clarkson Wrapped in Red. What sets it apart? Why is it so great? Well, for starters, it’s a prime time name. Wrapped in Red just screams Christmas. It’s a miracle it hadn’t been taken before 2013. Next, the album cover is perfect (see top of page): simple, elegant, festive. That’s all you need. The back cover brings it too:

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Before purchasing this Christmas album, I wasn’t really in the spirit of things, but now that I’ve seen this picture of Kelly Clarkson playfully blowing snow in my face, I’m definitely ready for Santa to come down my chimney! But what really matters is the music, and folks, it doesn’t disappoint. Full disclosure: I’m a huge Kelly Clarkson fan and am almost definitely overrating this album, but I trust my own objectivity to know good music when I hear it. And there’s a lot of good music here. The title song isn’t great, which, admittedly, kind of throws a wrench in things, but it quickly picks up. “Underneath the Tree” is criminally underrated. Sure, it’s only four years old, but it has to be put in the same category as the modern classics.

So good. Then, if your spirits are riding too high, you can slow things down with another good original, “Winter Dreams.”

Just makes me want to cuddle up with that special someone (theoretically, of course). I like my Christmas songs to either get my toes tappin’ or to be slow and a little melancholy-but-not-really-since-everything’s-happy-during-Christmas. Wrapped in Red does that throughout. When it comes to covering the classics, it’s really just about song selection. At this level, everyone can sing, so as long as you just pick good songs and don’t try to “make them your own” (see: Christina Aguilera “O Holy Night”) you should be good. “White Christmas,” “Silent Night,” Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” and “Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel” are all elite Christmas songs. Kelly Clarkson could smoke a hundred packs a day, never sleep, and drink a gallon of coffee a day for the next year and still have a dominant voice, so when she gets ahold of your favorite Christmas hits good things happen. No, not every song is perfect. But the bad songs are like 6s or 7s out of 10. Still decent, and it just makes the great ones stand out more. I think I’ve made a pretty convincing argument, but if you still don’t believe me, go and sit by your Christmas tree. I don’t care what you do. Read, watch TV, just look at your phone, whatever. Just as long you put this album on. If the combination of Kelly Clarkson and Christmas trees doesn’t get you in the most festive mood you’ve ever been in, you’re a bigger grinch than the Grinch himself. Wrapped in Red is the perfect Christmas album. Kelly Clarkson: GOAT of American Idol, and now, GOAT of Winter.

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I am Upset and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

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I’m typically a pretty level-headed person. As all of you know, I try to stay measured and don’t commit too far one way or the other. I go with the flow. I don’t let the little things bother me. I block out all the really annoying things people do so that it doesn’t completely consume my life and fill me with a never-ending rage. But, lately, the offenses have begun to mount. I have been faced with countless indiscretions in the span of like, two weeks, and it’s too much to ignore. I need to vent. I need to rant. I need the offenders to feel shame equal to the amount of anger they caused. What are all these mysterious problems? Well, I’m glad you asked.

  • I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before or not. I feel like I probably have. But why do people put bread in the fridge? Why would someone take up valuable refrigerator space for an entire loaf of bread? Why would someone take up valuable refrigerator space for an entire loaf of bread? Why would you put something that doesn’t need to be refrigerated in a refrigerator? Why would you want cold bread all the time? Why did anyone do this when refrigerators were invented, and why did those same people pass the practice down to their progeny? Why why why? I went to my friend’s house and needed to put something in the fridge, but there was no room because there was a big loaf of bread in there. I started questioning the entire friendship. Bread doesn’t go in the fridge. It’s pretty simple stuff. If you put bread in the fridge, you deserve to eat moldy bread for the rest of your life.
  • So I’m on a seemingly never ending quest right now. Around the middle of July, it was announced that Cinnamon Toast Crunch was releasing a new frozen delicacy, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bites: 2fbca93aba6d96ee_cinnamon_toast_crunch_bitesThose of you who follow my Instagram account know that I primarily just reviews for all the new releases in junk and fast food I can get my hands on, and these things are easily my most personally anticipated item ever. I don’t even really need to do a review because I know they’re going to be a 10 out of 10. But, as you can tell, I don’t have them yet. Every press release has stated that they’d be out by the end of the month. Well, July ended, and no Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bites have been seen. Believe me, I’ve looked. I’ve pretty much been to the grocery store every day for the last ten days or so, and every time I’ve been empty handed. But that’s not what I’m really upset about, though. Spending all that time in grocery stores has made me think back to my Grocery Store Rules and realize how often people violate them. Old ladies put their carts in the dead center of every aisle, go 2 miles per hour, and stop and random times in front of the thing you need. Old people jamming up the express checkout by taking too many thing with them. Old people jamming up the self-checkout because they don’t know how to use them. Old people in general not understanding how to conduct themselves in a grocery store, really. But one thing really took the cake. One incident that is forever seared into my subconscious. One memory that will probably take multiple years off my life, because I’m shaking with fury just thinking about it. This goddamn old man was walking around with a cup of soup he hadn’t paid for yet and sipping it. He had a spoon in his hand but he was still drinking it like it was a glass of lemonade. I couldn’t really fathom what I was watching at first. How could anyone behave this way? How could he think this was okay? He had a family with him. He kept straying away and asking literally every single employee he saw some stupid question, but he had a family. How did they let it happen. I’m not sure you understand yet: HE HAD A SPOON IN HIS HAND AND WAS STILL DRINKING HIS SOUP! WHY?????? It wasn’t tomato soup or anything, he had to chew! Why was he drinking it? I really almost killed him. I was this close to strangling him. Or taking the rest of the vat of soup he drew from and pouring it on his head. HE HADN’T EVEN PAID FOR THE SOUP YET! I feel like this is something only I care about, but you don’t eat something before you buy it. I bet he just threw the cup out and got some free soup, because clearly if he cares so little for etiquette and the well being of others that he’s sipping on some soup while walking around a grocery store, odds are he’s not too concerned about paying up, either. It’s clearly time for this old timer to be put out to pasture, but that’s not enough. Not for this crime. His possessions need to be seized. His life’s work erased. His family name needs to be wiped from the annals of history. Everything he’s ever loved needs to be destroyed in front of him. Maybe then he’ll think twice about doing something really annoying in a grocery store.
  • If you thought that was all the adversity I’ve had to face lately, you’d be wrong. In the process of going to Saratoga this weekend, I had to do a lot of driving. And I kept running into people who were going like 60 in the left lane. Why does anyone think it’s okay to do this? If you don’t feel like driving fast, don’t be in the left lane. That’s literally the entire point of having multiple lanes. Honestly, when there’s two lanes and the guy in the right lane is going 66 and the guy in the left lane is going 67, but I’m going 75 what am I supposed to do? Slow down? My travel plans shouldn’t be dictated by cowards who are too afraid to commit one way or another. If you want to go at a more leisurely pace, stay in the right lane. It can’t possibly get any simpler. I hate the highway. I want to get my highway experience over and done with as fast as possible. Don’t be the tough guy who thinks that making other people slow down will make up for the fact that you were picked on in high school. You don’t need to go fast. If you like the highway experience and want to savor it, more power to you. But don’t force me to spend any more time on it than I have to.
  • Now that I’m thinking about cars, this isn’t really a recent thing but people still do it on my street all the time. How can you look yourself in the mirror every morning if you knew you parked you car facing the wrong direction on a street? It’s really not that hard. I see this stuff all the time: This was literally taken two seconds ago outside my house. My street is not, I repeat, IS NOT a one way street. See anything wrong here? Maybe look at the pickup truck, for starters. And it’s every day with this asshole. He has literally never noticed that all the cars parked on his side of the street face the other way. I can’t understand it. Am I the only person with enough awareness of my surroundings to ever pick up on the fact that maybe, just maybe, what I’m doing is wrong? That maybe other people might get annoyed with my extreme ignorance? I guess that’s just my cross to bear.
  • There needs to be some kind of legal ramifications for mowing the lawn/weed whacking outside the hours of 12pm-7pm. I don’t think anything else needs to be said.

End of rants. I feel better now. I needed to get all of that off my chest. It just boggles my mind how people can be so oblivious sometimes all the time. Maybe martial law wouldn’t be the worst thing, after all.

I Think I Love Lavar Ball Now

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Last night was a big TV night. The NFL crowned Tom Brady number 1 in their annual “Top 100 Players” list, a stupid, contrived device that exists solely to fuel the #debate. The NBA Awards show finally aired almost two weeks after the season ended, an NHL-level scheduling decision. I don’t even remember anything about the regular season anymore. I can barely recall who won the title. The Celtics won, right? Anyway, I’ve spent enough words on MVP, so I’ll just say I didn’t fully agree with every award, but I’m not going to get upset about them. Through all that, though, one five minute segment on Monday Night Raw is all anyone can talk about. Lavar Ball finally fulfilled his destiny and entered the squared circle. The results were predictably amazing.

I’ve been on record as being a Lavar h8tr, but I can’t deny my true feelings anymore: I love Lavar Ball. I think it happened sometime before the draft, maybe even earlier. I never wanted to admit it to myself, but once he gave his show-stopping draft interview

I knew I had fully shifted to #teamBigBaller. Now, I say I’m only #teamBigBaller because I don’t have the available resources to become a full fledged Big Baller. I, unfortunately, can’t afford a fresh pair of ZO2s. But those $50 t-shirts? They’re a siren on the rocks and I don’t know how long I can resist the call. I need a taste of the Big Baller life. Even if only for an instant, I need to see how the Baller side lives. I need a piece of that power. You put on some BBB gear and the world opens up to you. Your self-confidence goes through the roof. You can will anything into existence. I would have to imagine it’s how God feels.

Listen, I still don’t like his kids. Lonzo seems like a good dude but I’m not sold on his skills. I hate LaMelo. I feel bad for the middle one, but not really since he’s going to be rich either way. But the longer all this goes on, the clearer it’s becoming that Lavar is a legitimate genius. He knows exactly what he’s doing at all times. He knows how to keep his name in the news 24/7. He’s a master of marketing. Even if he hasn’t, he’s made it seem like he’s been manipulating everything from the start. He can spin absolutely anything into a positive for BBB. He has that Kardashian gene for self-promotion that I thought we’d never see again. He’s turned himself into the most cartoonish, most easily hatable heel of all time, which has only made him more popular and in vogue. His sons’ success almost doesn’t even matter anymore. If Lonzo turns out to be an All-Star, then Lavar can just keep on being Lavar. If he doesn’t? Well, he’ll still just keep on being Lavar. He needs to have a recurring role in WWE, especially if his sons don’t pan out. He was born to be hated. And that might be his greatest gift of all.

Why Do People Wear Shoes in their Own Homes?

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I barely slept at all last night. I couldn’t, really. How was I supposed to get any peace of mind after seeing what I had seen? Not even Rip van Winkle would be able to fall asleep with all the neurotic, existential dread running around in my head. As I was going through Instagram, I was presented with a truly horrifying image: a person was wearing sneakers in their own house. They were alone. They weren’t exercising. They were just wearing shoes inside. I know, I was disgusted, too.

I really can’t wrap my head around this move. How can you wear shoes in your own house? The whole point of having a house is so you don’t have to wear shoes. I love shoes as much as the next guy, but I hate wearing them. Any chance I get to go socks or barefoot, you better believe I’m jumping at the opportunity. How can you wear shoes on your own couch? On your own bed? If you think your floors are too dirty to go socks or barefoot on them, maybe it’s time to, I don’t know, clean them? How are people comfortable wearing shoes in their own home? Leave the outside world at the door, man. Your house is your castle.

I know plenty of people who are “shoes inside” people. Some of my best friends have come in to my house, kept their shoes on, and proceeded rub the bottom of their shoes all over my couch. I never said anything because I figured it was common decency and that, eventually, they would see the error of their ways and take their shoes off. Invariably, they didn’t and I (my mom) was stuck cleaning up after them. I tried to understand the mindset. I took myself to a dark, dark place mentally. I walked the dreary, never-ending wasteland of a shoes-inside guy’s mind, and brother, let me tell you it’s not somewhere I’m looking to go ever again. Going through life with no etiquette, no sense of how to function in society. Even worse, going through life with no idea that what you were doing was wrong. Ignorance may be bliss, but it also pisses off everyone around you who wasn’t raised by grizzly bears. It’s a simple solution, too. If you’re in a house and there isn’t a high school/college party going on, take your shoes off. If you’re a germaphobe, wear socks and grow up. Don’t wear shoes in houses, period.

I’m sort of afraid to throw this out there, but I kind of think you should be able to go sans-shoes everywhere you go. Obviously, there’s exceptions. I wouldn’t go to a bar or a fast food place without a thick layer of sole between my skin and whatever’s living on the floor. But random office buildings? Nicer stores? Airports? Why can’t I just go socks? They clean those floors 24/7. I think everyone should be as comfortable as possible at all times. Not wearing shoes is more comfortable than wearing shoes. Ipso facto, people shouldn’t be shamed for not wearing shoes while in a clean room that has a roof (that includes airplanes). Now, this isn’t #nomorenoonmeals. I know that there’s tons of pushback against this idea, and, at some point, you have to pick your battles. So I’m not going all out with this. I’m just trying to give people something to think about. Carpet isn’t meant to be trampled on by shoes. It’s meant to be experienced by bare feet. You’re denying one of mankind’s most ancient industries its true purpose by wearing shoes in your house. That makes you a bad person.

Unpopular Opinion Alert: I like Crab more than Lobster

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Everyone who has spent more than five minutes on the Internet has given their fair share of takes. Lord knows I’ve had many takes myself. Some better than others, some more controversial than others. But every so often, you know you have a take that is cut from a different cloth. A take so explosive, so provocative, that it threatens the very foundation of rational thought. And I’ve one brewing for years now. But now, on the doorstep of Seafood SZN and Eating Outside SZN, I figured now would be the best time to break it out. I like crab better than lobster.

“How can that be?” you ask, unsure of the mental state of the man you’re speaking to. “Lobster is Lobster. It’s the greatest.” It’s true. I cannot deny the fact that lobster is, in fact, lobster. And lobster is great. It’s delicious and a delicacy. A true Gold Standard for Nouveau Riche eating. But, at the end of the day, lobster is just lobster. Crab, on the other hand, has so many options. There’s Blue Crab, Stone Crab, Rock Crab, Dungeness Crab, Alaskan King Crab, Snow Crab, Red Crab, the list goes on and on. There’s crab legs, crab claws, crab cakes, you can even get fried crab. Lobster is just lobster. Now, I can’t hate on lobster rolls (the buttery kind, not the cold, mayo-y kind) (another take that I feel like is slightly controversial: I absolutely hate mayonnaise. I think it’s the most disgusting thing ever. I throw up in my mouth a little bit every time I see someone pour globs and globs of mayo onto a poor, unsuspecting sandwich. Yes, I know mayo is a key ingredient in many foods I love, chiefly the Big Mac, but straight mayo is horrifying. There’s a difference between being someone who uses/likes mayo and a Mayo Guy. If you’re a Mayo Guy, you repulse me. I look down on you, and I hope you feel bad about your life). Lobster rolls are one of the G.O.A.T. sandwiches and, along with clam chowder, a staple of New England summer cuisine (here’s yet another mini-take, but this is pretty straightforward and (hopefully) obvious: Manhattan clam chowder is complete trash. I know I said organic Doritos are the worst food ever, but that was just hyperbole. Manhattan clam chowder is, always has been, and always will be the worst food ever invented. I think I’ve gotten into more fights with one of my friends about this than anything else, mostly because I can’t wrap my mind around how he could think it actually tastes good). But crab just has so many more possibilities and different flavors. There’s really only one kind of lobster, and it’s rich and buttery. Crab can be sweet. It can be fishy. It can be meaty and succulent. It can taste just like lobster or like an entirely different class of food. It’s versatility makes it superior. And crab boils? Oh, man, simply to die for.

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Simply put, crab is just better. It’s better on it’s own and it’s better when it’s a role player in a larger recipe. Yeah, lobster is flashier and more expensive (besides the ludicrous prices on stone crab claws), but it lacks substance. Actually, check that, lobster has too much substance. I like my seafood light. I like feeling fresh after I taste from Poseidon’s bounty. When you eat lobster it’s like you just ate a big, fat steak and you have a brick in your stomach. Crab is the opposite. I mean, sure, if you pound a million crab cakes your going to feel like shit, but, on the whole, crab is lighter, it’s sweeter, and it’s just flat out tastier. Sorry I can think for myself.

While I’ve still got the hot hand, might as well rattle off some rapid fire seafood power rankings. I’m a big time seafood guy and am always up for a little surf minus turf dinner. In my mind, seafood has two categories: fish and shellfish. I love both, but if I had to only be able to have one for the rest of my life I’d probably take shellfish.

Top Five Ways to Prepare Fish:

  1. Sushi- give me the simple, slice of fish over a ball of rice style, though. Don’t need giant slices of avocado and an entire carton of cream cheese involved
  2. Seared
  3. Grilled
  4. Fried
  5. Baked

Top Five Ways to Prepare Shellfish:

  1. Fried
  2. Steamed
  3. Boiled
  4. That’s kind of it. I don’t have the guts to do raw shellfish

Top Five Fish:

  1. Tuna- not that gross canned crap, either. Real tuna is the GOAT fish and possibly the GOAT meat. Unquestionably makes the best sushi, too
  2. Swordfish
  3. Eel- eel sushi is very underrated
  4. Salmon- I’m not a huge salmon guy, but not including it in the top five would just be ignorance
  5. Calamari- many people will be wondering how squid counts as fish, despite the fact that it’s still a mollusk. Well, they don’t have a shell. So, there

Top Five Shellfish:

  1. Crab- I can’t spend all that time talking up crab and then not put it number one
  2. Scallop
  3. Clam
  4. Lobster
  5. Shrimp

Top Five Coolest Fish (Not eating, just in general):

  1. Seahorse
  2. Hammerhead Shark
  3. Manta Ray
  4. Sunfish
  5. Whale Shark

Unpopular Opinion: I Hate Lunch

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So today I was scouring the deepest parts of the Internet looking for new and exciting stories to bring my dozen(s?) of readers/putting in hours in MLB The Show and Persona 5 (probably the nerdiest thing I’ve ever purchased but damn if it isn’t the most fun I’ve had in a while) when I looked at the clock and saw that it was after 1:30. Out of habit, I stopped to eat lunch. And as I was eating, I realized how much of an annoyance it was to drop everything I was doing to eat, when I wasn’t even all that hungry to begin with. And so, a new franchise was born: Unpopular Opinions. And my first one is that I hate lunch.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “This guy’s always talking about food and how much he eats and how much he loves fast food and how fat he is. Surely he loves lunch.” Well, dear reader, you’d be wrong. While it’s true that I do love food, and many of the traditional lunch staples rank highly on my internal power rankings, it’s the process I could do without. Whenever I’m at home during the day, lunch just seems like such a chore. It’s too much work for not enough payoff. At the basest level, there’s only really three or four things you can have. A lot of settling going on when it comes to eating lunch if you don’t feel like buying something every day. And you have to actually make it, too, which takes longer than you want it to. Sure, you can throw a sandwich together in ten seconds, but I actually care about the quality of my food. A haphazardly made sandwich is among the worst things you can eat. And it’s right in the middle of the day when you could be doing other things. God forbid you don’t eat when society tells you to. I have to halt everything I’m doing just so I can make a sandwich or heat up soup or leftovers, all because I’d become a social outcast akin to an untouchable in India if I choose to eat outside the noon-1 o’clock window. I just want to know why.

Who decided we need three meals a day? Clearly not any kind of medical professional, since every year they come out with a new way you’re Supposed to Eat. Sometimes it’s eat a million tiny meals. Sometimes it’s eat one gigantic meal. Sometimes it’s don’t eat anything at all. More importantly, who decided on the times you have to eat? And who decided on the rigid menu you have to choose from? Again, I must reiterate that I love most traditional lunch foods. Sandwiches, chips, soup, all great. But I shouldn’t have to eat them when I don’t want to. I’m a big proponent of eating whatever you want whenever you want. Pizza for breakfast? Delicious. Pancakes for dinner? Yes please. If I want a filet mignon at 2 in the afternoon, I should be able to do it without facing backlash. Sure, going out to get lunch is a far superior experience than making it yourself, but almost every “lunch special” is just a smaller version of their regular meal. If I like the food, why would I want less of it just because it’s 12:43? This might not surprise anyone, but I prefer to have big meals over small ones. As much as I like eating and food, meals are just a hindrance to my free time. So I want to load up on food I like so I don’t have to eat as much. Maybe I’ll eat at 10 and 6. Maybe I’ll do 11:30 and 5. If I’m free all day, maybe I won’t eat until like 2 o’clock in the afternoon and have dinner at *gasp* 8 at night. I refuse to be contained by the parameters society has given me. I understand the lunch break is a sacred part of any work day. It’s probably saved billions of lives. But I’ll take it whenever the hell I want to, thank you very much. The later you take your break, the less time you have until you go home. Just a little trick I’ve picked up over the years. Lunch at noon is the most pointless thing going. It’s your body. Eat when you want.

So I’m calling for change. No longer will I be silent. No longer will I let The Man tell me to eat at a time that inconvenient for me. No longer will I be content eating a turkey sandwich at 1 in the afternoon because “I’ll ruin my appetite for dinner” if I eat something bigger. Well maybe I want dinner to be right now, how about that? No more set times for meals. No more exclusive menus. No more meal-shaming. Use #nomorenoonmeals to join the movement. Let’s come together in solidarity as people who don’t feel like eating just because it’s “lunchtime.” Take control of your diet. We can topple the meal structure together and create a brighter tomorrow.