Let’s go back to a simpler time

So not many people (literally just me and whatever poor souls opened my emails) know that I created a sample website around this time last year trying to get a job. Obviously, it didn’t work. In fact, most of the posts ranged from trash to warm garbage. But, there were a few good ones. This here is one of my favorites. It’s a simple enough tale, man falls into gorilla pit, but the timing is what makes it. I actually wrote this four months before Harambe’s death. Try to wrap your mind around that. Both the internet and gorillas existed before we learned Harambe’s name. Crazy.

 

ultimate-gorilla-photo-2-gorilla

(source)- It was a story that gripped the nation – a five-year-old boy who was knocked unconscious when he fell into a zoo’s gorilla enclosure and was touchingly protected by a giant male silverback named Jambo, who stood guard as the pack of apes circled.
Now, 30 years after the iconic video footage made headlines around the world, Levan Merritt has shared his memories of that fateful day to MailOnline – and revealed how he cannot wait to take his two children back to the place that shaped him as a person.
The incident, on August 30 1986, had a profound impact on his life – from developing a permanent relationship with Jersey Zoo, to dealing with bullies at school who teased him with jibes such as ‘Tarzan’ and ‘gorilla boy’, to calling on the dramatic story as he impressed his wife-to-be, Amanda.
And the events that could have left such traumatic scars have done nothing to diminish his love of animals – including gorillas

Listen I don’t care about this guy’s life story. If you allow yourself to be bullied after surviving a gorilla pit, that’s on you and no one should feel sympathy.

What I do care about is that a gorilla might be number one animal I’d want to be saved by. If a random gorilla takes a look at you and decides, “yeah, I like this creature. I won’t beat him to a pulp and I don’t think I want anyone else to, either,” then you’ve got it made. That’s confidence that can’t be bought. That’s the ultimate street cred. It’s like the old Chappelle joke about how if you’re a white guy hanging out with all black guys no one messes with you. If a gorilla, the strongest, meanest, most violent animal out there, respects you and treats you as its own, no one will ever cross you (wait, was that racist? Think it might have been).

Top 5 animals to be saved by:

wild-horses 5. Wild Horse- Wild horses are the most breathtaking animals out there. On the off chance you ever come across a pack of wild horses and one decides not to attack you, that means you are a true master of wilderness. To tame the very spirit of freedom merely by your presence, that is the true sign of a wild heart. And when you ride on to the horizon upon the back of your majestic steed, the people will weep, for they have never seen such beauty.
howlsnow4. Wolves- It worked out for Romulus, Remus, and Mowgli. Being saved and then raised by wolves prepares you for adversity. By adversity I mean lack of sleep since the second you close your eyes one of the other wolves in the pack will just eat you since, you know, wolves can only go without food for so long. It’d probably be better to be saved by wolves then immediately leave. Don’t risk sticking around to join the pack.

 

python_2444555b3. Snakes- I’m not saying I really want to rescued by snakes, but being a snake guy is the only thing more intimidating than being a gorilla guy. Take the respect being a gorilla guy earns you, multiply it by ten, then turn that respect into fear. No one wants to associate with a snake guy unless they are also a snake guy. Usually overlaps with weapon guys. Snake guys run secret, powerful societies that hold dark, moonlit rituals. Again, not saying I really want to be saved by snakes, but being a snake guy opens doors that would be closed otherwise.

daniel-6-lions-den2. Lions- Everyone loves lions. Being saved by lions would earn you some respect, but it would also show you have a soft side. You have to be nice to connect with lions, just like any other cat. Scratch their ear, rub their belly, and in return, they don’t scratch you. Lions are less likely to save someone that doesn’t actively show them they are worth saving. Being saved by lions is perfect if you want to show a man or woman you’re the perfect mate. Strong enough to earn respect, sensitive enough to not get eaten.

tumblr_nswgn0my5c1senlveo1_12801. Gorilla- As mentioned above. Nothing gets you farther on the street than being saved by a gorilla. Nothing is more intimidating than someone who knows they never have anything to fear. That’s what gorillas do for you.

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