Countdown to 2017

2017

2016 is coming to a close. As anyone will tell you, 2017 is guaranteed to be a banner year where nothing bad happens and no one, under any circumstances, will die. Sounds like a pretty good time to me. But, it would be disrespectful to the misunderstood 2016 without commemorating this passage of time in some way, and nothing says New Year like a countdown. So, to honor 2016, here’s sixteen countdowns. If you disagree with these rankings, you’re subconsciously letting the terrorists win.

Top Five Movies in 2016

  1. Warcraft– Instant classic. Put in a time capsule for future film makers to study
  2. Rogue One– Ending set up a sequel perfectly. Can’t wait for the gang to be back for Rogue Two!
  3. Manchester By the Sea– I can’t expect to be taken seriously as a film critic if I don’t include this.
  4. Moana– The Rock’s best role since Tooth Fairy
  5. Captain America: Civil War– The Captain America-Iron Man sex scene was one of the most shockingly beautiful things I’ve ever seen on film

Top Five Shows I watched in 2016

  1. Game of Thrones– This new show could really become something special in later seasons
  2. The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story– Brilliant, nuanced performances by all actors involved
  3. Seven Deadly Sins– I actually like this show. Watch it on Netflix
  4. Vanderpump Rules– It’s like a less classy Kardashians
  5. West World– Asks some tough existential questions. One example: which robot prostitute do you proposition first?

Top Five Video Games I played in 2016

  1. The Witcher III– I know it came out in 2015. I’m a little behind
  2. Final Fantasy XV– Weird plot pacing can’t beat the bromance at the core
  3. Fifa 17– If you played against me online there’s a good chance I wished death on your family. I swear it wasn’t personal
  4. NBA 2K17– Might rank higher if your MyPlayer wasn’t cursed to be a glorified role player
  5. Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask– I know it came out in 2000. I’m a little behind

Top Five New Years Eve Concerts

  1. Bush, The Paramount, Huntington, New York
  2. Kid Rock, Scottrade Center, St. Louis
  3. Los Lobos, The Coach House, San Juan Capistrano, California
  4. Don Henley, Global Event Center at WinStar World Casino and Resort, Thackerville, Oklahoma
  5. Bruno Mars, Park Theater at Monte Carlo Resort and Casino
    Las Vegas

Top Five Books I read in 2016

  1. Red Rising Trilogy, Pierce Brown
  2. I am Zlatan, Zlatan Ibrahimovic
  3. Losing Isn’t Everything, Curt Menefee
  4. Peppa Pig: Peppa Goes Swimming, Mark Baker and Neville Astley
  5. The excerpts from George Karl’s new book

Top Five Best Performances of 2016

  1. Death- Death ran roughshod over the world in 2016. Hard not to respect the best at the top of their game
  2. Hulk Hogan’s Legal Team- Singlehandedly brought down Gawker
  3. Colin Farrell as David, The Lobster– I’m a huge Colin Farrell guy. Most underrated actor this side of Tom Cruise
  4. Mike D’Antoni and James Harden- This Rockets team is awesome. Sorry for enjoying the fine art of 3s and free throws
  5. Japanese branches of American Fast Food Restaurants- This is kind of a perennial thing, but literally every crazy, harebrained, disgusting, borderline inedible food concoction thought up by the sick minds at the head of fast food corporations gets shipped to Japan for testing. And I want to try all of them

Top Five Worst Performances of 2016

  1. Forest Whittaker as Saw Gerrera, Rogue One– Arguably the worst acting/accent I’ve ever seen. But the more I think about it, the more it seems like a stroke of genius
  2. Brock Osweiler as Starting QB, Houston Texans 2016 Season– They could literally go to any high school field in Texas and find a better quarterback. Would save at least a few million dollars at the same time
  3. Democratic Party- I mean, tough to have a worse month
  4. McDonald’s- Listen, I ride or die for McDonald’s. But every move they make backfires. You’re not a high end bistro, you’re McDonald’s!
  5. British Royal Family- No weddings, no births, no nothing. What the hell, man? What am I supposed to fantasize about all day? And you wonder why the good people of England went so wayward

We’re gonna have to start reaching to topics a little

Top Five things I secretly love

  1. Flowers- Thought about dropping everything and becoming a florist countless times. Special mid-countdown countdown (don’t try this at home): Top five flowers 1. Cherry Blossom 2. Yellow Plumeria 3. Tulip 4. Garra de Leon 5. Iris
  2. The Last Samurai– Tom Cruise is an Operating Thetan among men
  3. Fruity drinks- Kind of piggybacking off flowers. It’s not my fault they’re good
  4. Richard Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen– Easily my favorite cycle of operas, Wagner teaches the audience valuable lessons about Norse mythology, life, and love
  5. Fine scented candles- I’m gonna go ahead and assume that what’s said in 2016 stays in 2016

Top Five things I hate

  1. 15 second ads YouTube doesn’t let you skip- You’d be surprised how many murders you can plan in 15 seconds
  2. When your pinky toe randomly goes numb- This happens to everyone right? No? Umm, moving on…
  3. Companies that try to make taxes seem cool- Hey, H&R Block, calling yourself “Block” in commercials doesn’t make you hip. Harambe memes do
  4. Anyone who thinks the NBA used to be some combination of gladiator combat, Viking raids, and World War I No Man’s Land since it was so physical and it was better that way- Thinking Steph Curry isn’t good at basketball isn’t a charming idiosyncrasy. It’s just stupid
  5. People who sample grapes at the grocery store-

Top Five Holiday Traditions that should be kept year round

  1. The Falling Snow effect on the site’s homepage- I would do almost anything to keep this year round. Anything
  2. Stuffing- If I gave you a plate with stuffing on it in the middle of August, would you even recognize it as food? I’m not sure I would
  3. Cadbury Mini Eggs- They’re pretty much just long M&Ms, but once you eat one, you’ll eat like you haven’t eaten in three days
  4. Presents- There’s a small chance I’d be slightly happier if I got presents every day
  5. Eating way too much unhealthy food- Hey, I do this already! I’m becoming quite the trendsetter

Top Five Favorite Athletes of all time

  1. 2005-07 Colt Brennan
  2. Tom Brady
  3. Danilo Gallinari
  4. Rich Garces
  5. Von Wafer

Top Five Weather Patterns

  1. Clear Skies
  2. Snow Flurries
  3. Rainstorms on Fall weekends
  4. Stiff breeze
  5. Polar Vortex

Top Five Smells

  1. Sunscreen- If you don’t understand, take your plebian nose to Yankee Candle and pick up a Sun & Sand, then get back to me
  2. Saltwater- I guess I like the beach
  3. Coffee- Probably the best smelling drink
  4. Cinnamon- Mini rant but if you consider Big Red or Red Hots to be truly cinnamon you have the worst palate of all time. Like even grape flavored stuff tastes more like their supposed inspiration. Cinnamon isn’t spicy. At least no cinnamon I’ve ever had
  5. Roses- They only missed out on the flower top five because it would have been too cliché

Top Five Sandwich Fillings

  1. Pastrami
  2. Ice Cream
  3. Turkey
  4. Italian Beef
  5. Hot Dog Salami

Top Five Things I’m looking forward to in 2017

  1. Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Dark Side of Dimensions– Need I say more?
  2. The Patriots, Celtics, and Red Sox being champions at the same time
  3. Outrage for when most of the Oscar Nominees are still white
  4. Kingdom Hearts 3– Just kidding. It’s never coming out
  5. Spending more time with you people- 2017 is gonna be a big year in the Brian’s Den. Hoping you stick around for the ride
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3 thoughts on “Countdown to 2017”

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