Champions League Knockout Round starts today


Weren’t expecting this, were you? That’s right, your boy knows soccer, and today is a pretty monumental day in the fùtbol world. The knockout stage of the Champions League kicks off today, and I, for one, am very excited. Over the next month, there’s gonna be some great games, including the shiniest matchup of all: Barcelona vs. PSG.

In an odd twist, the pairings seem to be somewhat randomly created, which is a huge departure from the typical soccer style. Barcelona has to face PSG when there are teams like Leicester, Porto, and Bayer Leverkusen left? Huh? And Real Madrid is facing Napoli, the highest scoring team in Italy, instead of perennial losers Arsenal? What’s going on here? Someone call up Sepp Blatter and have him fix these matchups.

In another shocking turn of events, the Premier League is probably going to be finished at the end of this round. Again. At what point does the title of “The Best League in the World” get called into question? Judging by the fact that the other best teams in the world routinely leave the Premiership for dead, that time should come soon. I mean, Arsenal might have a chance if Bayern pulls an Arsenal and collapses mentally. This year’s Leicester, unfortunately, doesn’t really have a chance against Sevilla, who is an unlikely 3rd in La Liga this year. And Man City, always the shining beacon of hope for the Premier league, is facing a scalding hot Monaco (side note: if I was a pro soccer player, the only team I’m playing for is Monaco. Why be just another cog in the Barcelona/Real/Man United machine? Let me live out my days in the closest thing on Earth to paradise (beautiful coast, no taxes, legendary casinos) and just be a legend there. Not sure why they don’t get more huge names). Honestly, I don’t see any of the three advancing.

As for the rest of the matchups, I’ve got Real over Napoli, Benfica over Dortmund, Atletico Madrid over Bayer Leverkusen, and Juventus over Porto. Can PSG beat Barcelona???? Umm, no. No they can’t. Barcelona doesn’t lose. Last time I checked, Messi isn’t wearing an Argentina jersey kit, which means he’s about to dominate. I don’t really know how other people feel about them since I’m not exactly plugged in to the soccer insiders (although I was a prodigy in 4th grade), but I think PSG stinks. Edinson Cavani is complete trash and the rest of their team is so blah. I think they’ll get run off the field by Barcelona.

So there you have it. Am I a soccer genius, or do I only have a gift for American football? Does anyone besides me even care about o jogo bonito? Should I just stick to Burning Questions stop trying to force my interests on people? Only time will tell.

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