These Organic Doritos are the Biggest Affront to Creation I’ve Ever Seen

So I just got home from doing a little grocery shopping. Got to keep the Brian’s Den well stocked, after all. I was just walking along, minding my own business, perusing the holy temple chip aisle when something caught my attention. It was so jarring I had to take a picture:

Organic Doritos. Needless to say I was shocked and appalled. I used to think the combination jar of peanut butter/jelly was the most offensive thing at the grocery store, but no longer. I’ve eaten a lot of disgusting concoctions in my life, most of the time on purpose, and I wouldn’t even consider letting one of these enter my body. First of all, I don’t know what they put in these things, but the words “organic” and “Doritos” should never be in the same sentence. They’re polar opposites. They scientifically can’t exist simultaneously. It’d be like if a team from Atlanta suddenly started ripping off championship after championship. It’s just not what God intended (trashing Atlanta sports is my new favorite hobby if you couldn’t tell, mostly because now that the Falcons are dead and buried, there are no more Atlanta fans left to get mad at me). Second, I just hate what they represent. If you made a Venn Diagram of people who love Doritos and people who love organic food, I’m guessing the two circles wouldn’t intersect much. Just let Doritos be Doritos. Not everything needs to be healthy, GMO free, no preservatives (I don’t care if I’m the only one left, but I love preservatives. I don’t want to put any pressure on myself to eat stuff right away before they go bad. Bread especially), organic, blah, blah, blah. I don’t go to Whole Foods for my snacks. I blame all the hipster parents who are convinced their kids have special dietary needs even though they haven’t gotten any kind of medical diagnosis. They’ve started a war on delicious and unhealthy food and I’ve had enough. First, they came for peanut butter and I said nothing. Next, they made vegetable chips, and I said nothing (mostly because they’re secretly pretty good). Then they came for sugary cereal, and I said nothing. Now, they’re coming for Doritos, and I must say something before there’s no one left to do so. Just left us keep Doritos, okay? Just let us keep one thing. Your little bundles of joy Aiden, Mason, and Jaxxson will be fine if they eat one thing with artificial flavoring. Not everything needs to become super clean and PC. They’re Doritos, for crying out loud! Don’t turn them into McDonald’s by making them bend over backwards to become “healthy.” You’ve already ruined enough things I love.

While we’re talking grocery stores, I just needed to throw out some basic grocery store etiquette, because for some reason people don’t know how to act like human beings when they shop:

• Use the correct carrying device. If you’re only getting a few small things, take a basket not a full cart.
• If your total items is more than or equal to the allotted number for the express line, don’t use it.
• Don’t sample something if it’s not a free sample. I see (usually older) people open a bag of grapes and eat one or two then put it back all the time, and it’s the closest I come to committing murder.
• Take a number at the deli and wait your turn. You’d be surprised how many people don’t understand this concept.
• If you have to return something (whether it’s expired and you were too blind to realize it or whatever other reason you make up), don’t eat half of it first.
• Don’t stop you cart in the middle of an aisle. Go to one side. Also have some kind of awareness for where the best place to park is. Directly in front of all the chicken blocking everyone isn’t it.
• If you aren’t elderly or impaired in some way, don’t walk really slow when you know people are behind you.
• Don’t hold the refrigerator/freezer doors open for longer than you need to.
• Don’t open something before you buy it. This might just be my own pet peeve, but still.
• At least attempt to control your unruly children.
• For the love of God, don’t ask one of the employees (who probably want to kill themselves because they work at a grocery store) if there’s more of something in the back. What, do you think there’s an entire other store in the back full of stuff they don’t want you to buy? Use your brain.

If you don’t understand these basic tenants of society, odds are you’re too oblivious to function in a civilized culture in the first place.

P.S.

Easily the most underrated thing at any grocery store are the TastyKakes. No one knows about them and they’re so much better than Hostess, Little Debbie, Drake’s, etc. Being a TastyKake guy is like being in a secret club. One time I grabbed a box while another guy was reaching for some and we just gave each other a nod because we both knew the other was a man of taste (get it?). Top five TastyKakes:

1. Chocolate Juniors- undisputed GOAT snack cake
2. Butterscotch Krimpets- changed my opinion on butterscotch permanently
3. Coconut Juniors- a bit of a controversial pick, but you don’t come here for soft takes
4. Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes- like a Peanut Butter Patty, but a snack cake
5. Cream Filled Koffee Kake Cupcakes- take one of the all time great snack cakes, then add some delicious cream to the middle