Wait, Wrestlemania is Tonight?


I apologize for my short absence, but I’ve been bedridden after a debilitating attack from a particularly nasty gang of rhinoviruses. It hasn’t been all bad, though, since it’s given me plenty of time to play MLB The Show 17 (review coming soon) and catch up on some of my favorite series on Netflix.com. I also spent plenty of time perusing the world wide web, where I discovered that, unbeknownst to me, Wrestlemania 33 is actually tonight. I usually keep track of things like this, but somehow I had no idea. Now, it should go as no great surprise to anyone who has read more than a sentence of this blog that I used to love WWE in my younger days, though my interest has clearly fallen off (or is this an elaborate ruse to try and do the impossible and make myself seem cool? You’ll never know). Luckily, I two of my friends have WWE Network accounts that I steal use whenever I feel like seeing what’s going on in the squared circle, so I won’t face any obstacles there (weird that it’s easier (and cheaper) for me to watch a $60 or whatever it is pay-per-view than it is to watch a game on CBS). It’s kind of a bummer that I’ll have to throw out the healthy meal I had planned, since it’s the definition of uncouth to watch Wrestlemania without pizza (I just had to throw this in real quick because I’m watching TV and they just showed the commercial, but it really bothers me how people in pizza commercials (Pizza Hut pioneered this) take random slices. You take a slice with an opening to its left or right, not from in the middle. I’ve never seen anyone even consider pulling this stunt in real life, and I think it would be legal grounds for an assault).

Now, Wrestlemania is a sacred event. To coin a phrase from national treasure Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, it’s the most electrifying night in sports entertainment™. With so much over-the-top action and showmanship, it’s the modern day circus. It’s also one of those special events, much like March Madness and the Olympics, where everyone is suddenly an expert (or at least pretends to be). Usually I thrive in times like this, since I know slightly more than the average viewer about pretty much everything. But now? I’m totally out of the loop. How will I be able to join the discussion with my friends on Twitter if I don’t know anything going in? I can’t just shoot from the hip and react to everything I see without having some background. I need a game plan ASAP. What does the card even look like?

  • Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar for the Universal Championship
  • Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton for the WWE Championship
  • Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns
  • HHH vs. Seth Rollins, Non-sanctioned match (what does that even mean?)
  • Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
  • John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse, Al Roker as special ring announcer
  • Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax, Fatal Four Way elimination for the Women’s Championship
  • Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens for the United States Championship
  • Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin for the Intercontinental Championship
  • Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus, Triple Threat Ladder Match (!!!) for the Tag Team Championship
  • Alexa Bliss vs. All Available Women for the SmackDown Women’s Championship
  • Neville vs. Austin Airies for the Cruiserweight Championship
  • Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Besides the fact that I don’t recognize at least half the names here, a few initial thoughts: I don’t think I’m alone when I say I love ladder matches. In fact, I also don’t think I’m alone when I say ladder matches should be more common, and not just in the wrestling world. Every dispute should be settled with a ladder match. Trump-Hillary? Ladder match. Westbrook-Durant? Ladder match. Hatfield-McCoy? Ladder match. If you leave a ladder match with contempt still in your heart and anything less than respect for your opponent, you didn’t do it right. Second, while random celebrity cameos are a time-honored Wrestlemania staple, I gotta be honest, I never saw an Al Roker guest ring announcer spot coming. I guess that’s why Vince McMahon is a billionaire, though. Last night I had no idea I needed to see Al Roker at Wrestlemania, but now it’s all I can think about. Will he get involved? Will he get hit? Will he do a surprise heel turn? Anything could happen. Third, Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar? Did I wake up in 2004? I wouldn’t mind, though, 2004 was a great year for me.

Looks like it could be a pretty decent show, all in all. Can’t wait for the Stone Cold appearance that happens every year (not that I’m complaining). Maybe The Rock will show up for a long Fast 8 ad that I’ll love every second of. Maybe Shaq will be there. That’s the beauty of Wrestlemania, anything could happen. Maybe I’m a surprise entrant in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. You’ll have to tune in to find out.

A couple power rankings since I know you’re wondering:

Top Five Wrestlers

  1. The Rock
  2. Kurt Angle
  3. Undertaker (R.I.P. Paul Bearer)
  4. Stone Cold
  5. Big Show

Top Five Tag Teams

  1. Edge and Christian
  2. Dudley Boyz
  3. The New Day
  4. The Rockers
  5. Batista and Rey Mysterio

Top Five Stables

  1. n.W.o.
  2. DX
  3. Evolution
  4. The Corporation
  5. Ministry of Darkness

Top Five Entrance Songs

  1. Jesse and Festus
  2. Stone Cold
  3. Shawn Michaels
  4. Rey Mysterio (second song)
  5. Edge

At some point, I’ll become so uncool that I’ll flip it around and become the coolest person in the world.

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