I Just Returned from 2005


Folks, I realize I’ve been dormant lately. Not many posts, not much quality, just not what my dozen(s) of loyal readers have come to expect. Well, there’s a good reason for that: I’ve been stuck in the year 2005. I can’t divulge how it happened. Mostly because I’m not totally sure, myself. Maybe it was my rampant experimentation with unstable elements, maybe it was a rogue temporal vortex, maybe it was just an act of whatever entity is controlling this whole thing. No matter what the cause was, I’ve spent the last few weeks drifting in and out of 2005. And now I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t.

For starters, did Tiger Woods just win the Masters? I know he did in 05, I just watched it. I was lucky enough to get put in exactly the same date as 2019. Kind of weird, thinking about it. But now I’m seeing Tiger won again this year? Is this the same Tiger Woods? The one that hit rock bottom twice and had to get a million surgeries on his back? That guy played golf again? And won the Masters? What? I’m kind of confused. I thought we’d never see Tiger again, and the second I return to the present timeline he’s still Masters champion? Is this some side effect of my time traveling? Did the scandal even happen? Do you guys have any idea what happened Thanksgiving 2009? Did that whole saga get erased by my presence in 2005? Do I just sound like a crazy person? I’m glad Tiger’s back, though. Or did he never leave? Allow me to be the four millionth person to say I like it better when Tiger’s around and guys like Xander Schauffele and Danny Willett and Jimmy Walker and Webb Simpson and Trevor Immelman and all these LOSER nobodies that are indistinguishable from cans of paint primer aren’t. Welcome back.

NBA playoffs are getting started and LeBron James is nowhere to be found. He wasn’t there in 2005, either. Has he ever made the playoffs in this timeline? Is he just a Harrod’s version of Jamal Crawford now? Because in the original 2019 he’s been in the playoffs every year since 05. Totally dominant every year. But now he’s out of the playoffs? He’s on the Lakers, though! The L.A. Lakers! One of the premier organizations in American sports can’t make the playoffs with LeBron? Wild. Does this mean the Warriors never blew a 3-1 lead? Because I’d be fine if that era of jokes never happened.

The last thing that stuck out to me is probably the most important. When I first got to 2005, Wrestlemania 21 was about to kick off. I was instantly transported back to middle school. No worries, no responsibilities, no nothing. It was great. I settled down for a great few hours of quality World Wrestling Entertainment, capped off by a thrilling main event:

And now, fourteen years after this, Triple H and Batista faced each other at Wrestlemania again. Incredible. Both men are still the same age and in the same physical condition in 2019 as they were in 2005. Completely naturally, too! Try telling me these two stallions didn’t follow me out of the time vortex into 2019 after watching this:

What an incredible display of athleticism and stamina.

I officially don’t know which way is up anymore. What’s real and what isn’t? Was I actually sucked back into 2005 or did a bunch of old athletes just recapture some former glory/completely torpedo their seasons by failing to pull off the worst trade request of all time? My brain is so twisted around. The Pats are still good, right?

What the Hell is Going on With John Cena’s Instagram?


A yearly tradition is mine is to, once the NFC and AFC Championship games finish, remember that it’s time for the Royal Rumble and frantically google it to be sure I didn’t miss it. As usual, I didn’t- it’s this Sunday. But when I saw the results page this time around, I was met by a cursed image: John Cena has hair now. Naturally, I then googled John Cena to try and get more information about this shocking transformation. I clicked on his Instagram feed, thinking I would be able to see a nice progression from highway cop to overworked father of three, but instead I got the weirdest social media page I’ve ever seen. If you’ve never been, it’s a collection of random memes and photoshops with no context given whatsoever. Apparently, I’ve been following him for years, which was a surprise to me. Guess I just never saw them (oh!).

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What is this? Is this a human egg?

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Ahh, yes, classic meme.

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I don’t think I know the significance of any piece of this image.

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He has like a billion random Stone Cold memes.

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Hell yeah, I actually had some of these.

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This is that wholesome content I crave from John Cena.

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But did Han shoot first John?

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You leave Tom out of this, John.

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I don’t understand this and I don’t know how to change that.

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What are we, the public, supposed to do with this?

It just goes on and on like this. He’s always online and always posting weird ass pictures with no captions. What happened to the guy that lives for Make-A-Wish kids? Where are the hustle, loyalty, or respect on this page? What do any of these posts mean? I actually think it’s better not knowing. John Cena’s just a weird dude who posts weird memes. Finding out what they all mean would kind of ruin the fun.

Anyway, yeah, Royal Rumble. Should be a good time.

I Think I Love Lavar Ball Now


Last night was a big TV night. The NFL crowned Tom Brady number 1 in their annual “Top 100 Players” list, a stupid, contrived device that exists solely to fuel the #debate. The NBA Awards show finally aired almost two weeks after the season ended, an NHL-level scheduling decision. I don’t even remember anything about the regular season anymore. I can barely recall who won the title. The Celtics won, right? Anyway, I’ve spent enough words on MVP, so I’ll just say I didn’t fully agree with every award, but I’m not going to get upset about them. Through all that, though, one five minute segment on Monday Night Raw is all anyone can talk about. Lavar Ball finally fulfilled his destiny and entered the squared circle. The results were predictably amazing.

I’ve been on record as being a Lavar h8tr, but I can’t deny my true feelings anymore: I love Lavar Ball. I think it happened sometime before the draft, maybe even earlier. I never wanted to admit it to myself, but once he gave his show-stopping draft interview

I knew I had fully shifted to #teamBigBaller. Now, I say I’m only #teamBigBaller because I don’t have the available resources to become a full fledged Big Baller. I, unfortunately, can’t afford a fresh pair of ZO2s. But those $50 t-shirts? They’re a siren on the rocks and I don’t know how long I can resist the call. I need a taste of the Big Baller life. Even if only for an instant, I need to see how the Baller side lives. I need a piece of that power. You put on some BBB gear and the world opens up to you. Your self-confidence goes through the roof. You can will anything into existence. I would have to imagine it’s how God feels.

Listen, I still don’t like his kids. Lonzo seems like a good dude but I’m not sold on his skills. I hate LaMelo. I feel bad for the middle one, but not really since he’s going to be rich either way. But the longer all this goes on, the clearer it’s becoming that Lavar is a legitimate genius. He knows exactly what he’s doing at all times. He knows how to keep his name in the news 24/7. He’s a master of marketing. Even if he hasn’t, he’s made it seem like he’s been manipulating everything from the start. He can spin absolutely anything into a positive for BBB. He has that Kardashian gene for self-promotion that I thought we’d never see again. He’s turned himself into the most cartoonish, most easily hatable heel of all time, which has only made him more popular and in vogue. His sons’ success almost doesn’t even matter anymore. If Lonzo turns out to be an All-Star, then Lavar can just keep on being Lavar. If he doesn’t? Well, he’ll still just keep on being Lavar. He needs to have a recurring role in WWE, especially if his sons don’t pan out. He was born to be hated. And that might be his greatest gift of all.

Randy Orton RKOing his kid into the pool is the official, Official start of Summer

GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, HE’S BROKEN IN HALF!!! Just like no Yankee is a True Yankee until they win at least five championships, no summer is a True Summer until it’s officially Pool Season, and no Pool Season is a True Pool Season until you start practicing wrestling finishers on small children into the pool. Ipso facto, Pool Wrestling is the ultimate, official, no doubt about it start to summer. So, thank you, Randy. Even though I’m a noted #teamautumn guy, I appreciate someone taking the reigns and dragging the rest of the world into summer. There’s not many things worse than late May/ early June when everyone is sitting around debating whether or not summer has officially begun or not (yes, I know summer technically doesn’t start until June 21st). If you’re debating it at all, the answer is yes. Well, thanks to this short Instagram video, the debate is over before it started. RIP Randy Orton’s kid.

Now, it should come as no surprise that I am a HUGE pool wrestling guy. When I was growing up me and my friend founded the PWF, and independent wrestling circuit based entirely out of his grandma’s pool. I was the longest reigning Intercontinental Champion in history, nbd. So I’m more than qualified to talk about the aquatic squared circle, more specifically the best moves to do. Some moves (like the stunner, unfortunately) can only realistically be done when both participants are in the water. That’s all well and good, and it makes for great fun. But the truly devastating moves require at least one person to be out of the water. Here’s the power ranking of pool wrestling moves, straight from the master.

Top Five Pool Wrestling Moves

  1. Spear– Unquestioned GOAT. So simple, so pure, so devastating. Nothing beats a good old fashioned spear into the water. Doesn’t matter if the spear-ee knows it’s coming or not. Try spearing a little kid into the pool like Goldberg and not feeling like a god afterwards. Only downside is that it can quickly force everyone to stay in the pool for eternity, since they don’t want to be the next victim.
  2. RKO– As Randy demonstrated above, it can work well with the RKO-er already in the pool, but it takes some immaculate timing. More traditionally done with both parties outside the pool, but, unlike in real life, the recipient better know it’s coming, or you may be responsible for some pretty hefty medical bills. As such, to get the true, out-of-nowhere RKO effect, wait to break it out until it has been well established who is and is not participating in your battle royale. If your pool parties looked anything like mine did, odds are everyone will be very eager to get involved.
  3. Frog Splash/Moonsault/Leg Drop/Etc.– Not for the faint of heart or inexperienced. Any kind of jumping-into-the-pool-onto-someone move can quickly go south, but they can also yield great results. If you feel like living with the consequences, frog splash someone lounging on an inflatable raft for some quick laughs. Combine with alcohol at your own risk.
  4. Powerbomb/F5– Another category not meant for novices. You’ll need some strength (or a serious weight differential) to pull these off, but they probably make the most satisfying splash. If you give someone a good, clean Batista Bomb into a pool you are their new father (or mother. This is an equal opportunity website, after all). I’m pretty sure it’s legally binding, so only do it if your finances are in order and if you feel like claiming a dependent on your next tax return.
  5. Chokeslam– Similar to a powerbomb, but a little safer. Like the spear, anyone can pull off a good chokeslam if the slam-ee is willing. Definitely has to be discussed beforehand, since just randomly grabbing someone’s neck usually ends poorly. When done against a small child, you can get some Kane-like vertical and feel like the new Big Man on Campus.

Wait, Wrestlemania is Tonight?


I apologize for my short absence, but I’ve been bedridden after a debilitating attack from a particularly nasty gang of rhinoviruses. It hasn’t been all bad, though, since it’s given me plenty of time to play MLB The Show 17 (review coming soon) and catch up on some of my favorite series on Netflix.com. I also spent plenty of time perusing the world wide web, where I discovered that, unbeknownst to me, Wrestlemania 33 is actually tonight. I usually keep track of things like this, but somehow I had no idea. Now, it should go as no great surprise to anyone who has read more than a sentence of this blog that I used to love WWE in my younger days, though my interest has clearly fallen off (or is this an elaborate ruse to try and do the impossible and make myself seem cool? You’ll never know). Luckily, I two of my friends have WWE Network accounts that I steal use whenever I feel like seeing what’s going on in the squared circle, so I won’t face any obstacles there (weird that it’s easier (and cheaper) for me to watch a $60 or whatever it is pay-per-view than it is to watch a game on CBS). It’s kind of a bummer that I’ll have to throw out the healthy meal I had planned, since it’s the definition of uncouth to watch Wrestlemania without pizza (I just had to throw this in real quick because I’m watching TV and they just showed the commercial, but it really bothers me how people in pizza commercials (Pizza Hut pioneered this) take random slices. You take a slice with an opening to its left or right, not from in the middle. I’ve never seen anyone even consider pulling this stunt in real life, and I think it would be legal grounds for an assault).

Now, Wrestlemania is a sacred event. To coin a phrase from national treasure Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, it’s the most electrifying night in sports entertainment™. With so much over-the-top action and showmanship, it’s the modern day circus. It’s also one of those special events, much like March Madness and the Olympics, where everyone is suddenly an expert (or at least pretends to be). Usually I thrive in times like this, since I know slightly more than the average viewer about pretty much everything. But now? I’m totally out of the loop. How will I be able to join the discussion with my friends on Twitter if I don’t know anything going in? I can’t just shoot from the hip and react to everything I see without having some background. I need a game plan ASAP. What does the card even look like?

  • Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar for the Universal Championship
  • Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton for the WWE Championship
  • Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns
  • HHH vs. Seth Rollins, Non-sanctioned match (what does that even mean?)
  • Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
  • John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse, Al Roker as special ring announcer
  • Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax, Fatal Four Way elimination for the Women’s Championship
  • Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens for the United States Championship
  • Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin for the Intercontinental Championship
  • Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus, Triple Threat Ladder Match (!!!) for the Tag Team Championship
  • Alexa Bliss vs. All Available Women for the SmackDown Women’s Championship
  • Neville vs. Austin Airies for the Cruiserweight Championship
  • Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Besides the fact that I don’t recognize at least half the names here, a few initial thoughts: I don’t think I’m alone when I say I love ladder matches. In fact, I also don’t think I’m alone when I say ladder matches should be more common, and not just in the wrestling world. Every dispute should be settled with a ladder match. Trump-Hillary? Ladder match. Westbrook-Durant? Ladder match. Hatfield-McCoy? Ladder match. If you leave a ladder match with contempt still in your heart and anything less than respect for your opponent, you didn’t do it right. Second, while random celebrity cameos are a time-honored Wrestlemania staple, I gotta be honest, I never saw an Al Roker guest ring announcer spot coming. I guess that’s why Vince McMahon is a billionaire, though. Last night I had no idea I needed to see Al Roker at Wrestlemania, but now it’s all I can think about. Will he get involved? Will he get hit? Will he do a surprise heel turn? Anything could happen. Third, Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar? Did I wake up in 2004? I wouldn’t mind, though, 2004 was a great year for me.

Looks like it could be a pretty decent show, all in all. Can’t wait for the Stone Cold appearance that happens every year (not that I’m complaining). Maybe The Rock will show up for a long Fast 8 ad that I’ll love every second of. Maybe Shaq will be there. That’s the beauty of Wrestlemania, anything could happen. Maybe I’m a surprise entrant in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. You’ll have to tune in to find out.

A couple power rankings since I know you’re wondering:

Top Five Wrestlers

  1. The Rock
  2. Kurt Angle
  3. Undertaker (R.I.P. Paul Bearer)
  4. Stone Cold
  5. Big Show

Top Five Tag Teams

  1. Edge and Christian
  2. Dudley Boyz
  3. The New Day
  4. The Rockers
  5. Batista and Rey Mysterio

Top Five Stables

  1. n.W.o.
  2. DX
  3. Evolution
  4. The Corporation
  5. Ministry of Darkness

Top Five Entrance Songs

  1. Jesse and Festus
  2. Stone Cold
  3. Shawn Michaels
  4. Rey Mysterio (second song)
  5. Edge

At some point, I’ll become so uncool that I’ll flip it around and become the coolest person in the world.

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