Happy Birthday Celine Dion

So today is Celine Dion’s 49th birthday, and normally it wouldn’t be a big deal since I’m not some huge Celine Dion guy or anything (just kidding, I am), but I had to address some troubling news I recently learned: Celine Dion is now a Las Vegas performer. Somehow I didn’t know she’d been doing it since 2011. As a society, how did we let this happen? Celine Dion was HUGE in the 90s. She’s got like 40% of all the best power ballads ever on her resume, including undeniably one of the five most famous songs of all time. She’s got the strongest voice this side of Mariah Carey. And now she’s got a show in Vegas? Say it ain’t so, Celine.

Listen, I understand that playing in the same place every night is the closest thing someone like Celine Dion can have to a regular life. And usually these deals are crazy lucrative. But being a Vegas performer is so…gauche. If you’re in the same category as Carrot Top, it’s usually not a good thing. Maybe if she was a magician it’d be good. Or some curiosity act like Cirque du Soleil. But this is Celine Dion we’re talking about. She’s so far above Vegas it’s not even funny. This is like when Jordan played for the Wizards. Sure, he was still an all star talent, but everyone watching wishes he would have just retired instead of hanging on. I’m going to take the liberty to speak for Celine and say I wish she had just hung up the old evening gown instead of going Vegas. Where is she even playing, anyway? Caesar’s Palace? Oh. That changes things, actually. Caesar’s Palace is big time. I just kind of assumed she was at some low class place like the Luxor or the Flamingo. But Caesar’s Palace is a little different. Now I can kind of understand the appeal. Alright, I guess I have to do a bit of a 180 on this, then. Of course she got Caesar’s Palace. It all makes sense now. I still would have preferred if she aimed a little higher than Vegas, but at least she got a spot in Caesar’s Palace.

(I recognize this wasn’t my best effort my I was just struck seriously ill with a surprise cold, so sue me)

Obligatory:

Whoops, how’d that get in there?