Unpopular Opinion: I Hate Lunch

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So today I was scouring the deepest parts of the Internet looking for new and exciting stories to bring my dozen(s?) of readers/putting in hours in MLB The Show and Persona 5 (probably the nerdiest thing I’ve ever purchased but damn if it isn’t the most fun I’ve had in a while) when I looked at the clock and saw that it was after 1:30. Out of habit, I stopped to eat lunch. And as I was eating, I realized how much of an annoyance it was to drop everything I was doing to eat, when I wasn’t even all that hungry to begin with. And so, a new franchise was born: Unpopular Opinions. And my first one is that I hate lunch.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “This guy’s always talking about food and how much he eats and how much he loves fast food and how fat he is. Surely he loves lunch.” Well, dear reader, you’d be wrong. While it’s true that I do love food, and many of the traditional lunch staples rank highly on my internal power rankings, it’s the process I could do without. Whenever I’m at home during the day, lunch just seems like such a chore. It’s too much work for not enough payoff. At the basest level, there’s only really three or four things you can have. A lot of settling going on when it comes to eating lunch if you don’t feel like buying something every day. And you have to actually make it, too, which takes longer than you want it to. Sure, you can throw a sandwich together in ten seconds, but I actually care about the quality of my food. A haphazardly made sandwich is among the worst things you can eat. And it’s right in the middle of the day when you could be doing other things. God forbid you don’t eat when society tells you to. I have to halt everything I’m doing just so I can make a sandwich or heat up soup or leftovers, all because I’d become a social outcast akin to an untouchable in India if I choose to eat outside the noon-1 o’clock window. I just want to know why.

Who decided we need three meals a day? Clearly not any kind of medical professional, since every year they come out with a new way you’re Supposed to Eat. Sometimes it’s eat a million tiny meals. Sometimes it’s eat one gigantic meal. Sometimes it’s don’t eat anything at all. More importantly, who decided on the times you have to eat? And who decided on the rigid menu you have to choose from? Again, I must reiterate that I love most traditional lunch foods. Sandwiches, chips, soup, all great. But I shouldn’t have to eat them when I don’t want to. I’m a big proponent of eating whatever you want whenever you want. Pizza for breakfast? Delicious. Pancakes for dinner? Yes please. If I want a filet mignon at 2 in the afternoon, I should be able to do it without facing backlash. Sure, going out to get lunch is a far superior experience than making it yourself, but almost every “lunch special” is just a smaller version of their regular meal. If I like the food, why would I want less of it just because it’s 12:43? This might not surprise anyone, but I prefer to have big meals over small ones. As much as I like eating and food, meals are just a hindrance to my free time. So I want to load up on food I like so I don’t have to eat as much. Maybe I’ll eat at 10 and 6. Maybe I’ll do 11:30 and 5. If I’m free all day, maybe I won’t eat until like 2 o’clock in the afternoon and have dinner at *gasp* 8 at night. I refuse to be contained by the parameters society has given me. I understand the lunch break is a sacred part of any work day. It’s probably saved billions of lives. But I’ll take it whenever the hell I want to, thank you very much. The later you take your break, the less time you have until you go home. Just a little trick I’ve picked up over the years. Lunch at noon is the most pointless thing going. It’s your body. Eat when you want.

So I’m calling for change. No longer will I be silent. No longer will I let The Man tell me to eat at a time that inconvenient for me. No longer will I be content eating a turkey sandwich at 1 in the afternoon because “I’ll ruin my appetite for dinner” if I eat something bigger. Well maybe I want dinner to be right now, how about that? No more set times for meals. No more exclusive menus. No more meal-shaming. Use #nomorenoonmeals to join the movement. Let’s come together in solidarity as people who don’t feel like eating just because it’s “lunchtime.” Take control of your diet. We can topple the meal structure together and create a brighter tomorrow.

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