I’m Sick of the Fast Food Dipping Sauce Armsrace

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I’m a big fast food guy. Everyone knows it. If I had the finances and the willpower to ever actually exercise (and if I wasn’t such a good cook), I’d be fine eating fast food every day. But there’s been a recent, troubling trend that I can’t get behind. Ever since the fiasco that was the Szechuan Sauce release, every fast food place is scrambling to come out with their own signature, surely limited edition sauce that people will be pining for 20 years from now. And frankly, it’s making my smh every time I see a new one. I’m constantly amazed how such incompetent people wind up in prominent marketing positions. Every new sauce is just a liquid version of the dictionary definition of signature sauce. None are memorable, none are all that good, and they’re all just passing around the same sauces and changing one ingredient.

McDonald’s is, by far, the biggest offender. Not satisfied with causing a national stir with their last signature sauce and HAVING THE UR-SIGNATURE SAUCE ON THEIR ARSENAL (Mac Sauce), decided to trot out yet another “signature sauce” to pair with their new chicken selects tenders, aptly named Signature Sauce.

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It’s okay. McDonald’s claims it takes inspiration from Mac Sauce and lists the key flavors as sweet and tangy. Remember that description. Because, not to be outdone, Wendy’s release their own chicken tenders (which are better than McDonald’s, imo) with their own “signature” dipping sauce, S’Awesome Sauce (someone get me in a fast food boardroom, ASAP) like a week later.

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Boy, that sauce sure looks familiar. Where have I seen it before? A real head-scratcher. Wonder what Wendy’s official description of the sauce is? “Tangy, sweet and smoky into one savory flavor.” Hmmm, that’s odd. That sounds like the new McDonald’s sauce. They couldn’t be using the same thing, right? It must be a coincidence. Burger King didn’t come out with a new sauce, did they? They did?

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Creamy signature sauce? And it’s that same shade of orange? It couldn’t possibly be sweet and tangy, could it? It is? WHAT A SURPRISE! Did all these companies just get together and develop one sauce they all could use? And do they really think any of these things are super memorable and will make a big enough splash to get brought back years from now? I just keep thinking about sweet and tangy. Sweet, tangy, maybe a little smoky. Where have I heard that combination of flavors before? God, I know I’ve had it somewhere…

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Are….are these companies just trying to pass Chick-fil-a sauce off as their own invention? Are you kidding me? Chick-fil-a sauce is one of the pillars upon which this great country was built, and you think you can take the perfect mix of sweet, tangy, and smokey, add some red food coloring, put your own logo on it, call it Signature Awesome Cool sauce or some other bullshit, and think no one will notice? Not in here. Not on my watch. You don’t come at the Fast Food Watchdog with some weak sauce and expect to get out unscathed. I’m onto Big Fast Food. They’re so far behind the elites they think they can just steal the keys to the kingdom. I understand that, much like the NFL, fast food is a copycat league, but have some pride. Have some competitive spirit. Hey, BK, you know what was cool? When you had green apple dipping sauce and weren’t just copying everyone trying to ride coattails. Hey, Wendy’s, you don’t need a signature sauce because your food is so much better than the other members of the Big 3. McDonald’s, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. You invented the signature sauce game. Every fast food place has their own sauce, and all of them that aren’t stealing from Chick-fil-a base their sauce on Mac Sauce. And you think you have to stoop to Burger King’s level of imitation? For shame. Look, I get it. You do what you can to stay relevant. But you know what people remember? The originals. The ones that burned convention to the ground and built a new standard from the ashes. Not the people who just rip everyone off. Be better.

Still the GOAT fast food imitation. Can’t believe anyone was ever this shameless.

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If You Ever Catch Me Watching Young Sheldon, Please Just Euthanize Me

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I know everyone’s focused on football and the nonsensical storyline in NBA 2K18‘s MyCareer, but I can’t get this thought out of my head: If you ever see me watching CBS’s new sitcom Young Sheldon please just put a bullet in my head. Believe me, I’ll understand.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t watched any trailers or anything. I’ve avoided any Young Sheldon media like the plague. But I already feel the hatred flowing through my veins any time I see this little piece of shit adjusting his bow tie. Besides the immediate turn off of being a Big Bang Theory spin-off, it somehow manages to combine almost all of my least favorite things: Big Bang Theory, sitcom spin-offs, any comedy with a child as the main character, any show/movie/commercial/book/anything about annoying and unrealistically brilliant child geniuses, CBS sitcoms, and Big Bang Theory again. Big Bang Theory is terrible and if you like it you have horrible taste. I know why it got a spin-off (it rhymes with schmoney), but if you’re excited for it, I don’t really want to be associated with you.

There’s a larger rant to go on here about the cynical nature of the entertainment industry and how they’ll do anything for money, and it’d be easy to call September 25th the End of the Golden Age of Television and the death of whatever amount of inspiration and creativity we have left as a society, but for now I’ll just say that Young Sheldon is going to be the worst show ever made and you shouldn’t watch it. Ever.

Would Conor McGregor Winning Be the Biggest Upset of All Time?

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There’s a pretty big fight tomorrow night. McGregor v. Mayweather. Don’t know if you’ve heard about it. Probably not. It’s been going pretty under the radar. Since you haven’t heard about it, I doubt you know all the reported stakes. The sport of boxing is on the line, you know. It’s USA vs. the world, black vs. white, rich guy vs. rich guy. It’s the fight to end all fights (until the next one). But the most important question to me is would Conor McGregor, the heavy, heavy underdog and current non-professional boxer, beating actual professional boxer Floyd Mayweather in a boxing match be the greatest upset of all time?

It really depends on what you consider an upset. Obviously, an upset is just an unexpected result. But upsets come in all shapes and sizes. How do you compare an underdog winning a playoff series against an underdog winning one game? Or how do you compare a really unexpected win (say, a 14 or 15 seed in the NCAA tournament) against a series of less extreme upsets that still add up to pretty astronomical odds (like a sub-5 seed winning the NCAA tournament). How do you compare all of that to something like Leicester City? How about team sports vs. individual sports? I mean, statistically speaking, the Jaguars selling out every home game is probably less likely than an NFL team going 19-0. But would you consider that a greater upset than when the Patriots beat the Rams in Superbowl XXXVI, the most shocking and unlikely Superbowl result I can personally remember? The sport also matters, too. Football, baseball, and hockey all see lower seeded teams advance deep into the playoffs and frequently win championships. That’s just the nature of their respective tournaments: goalies get hot and carry teams, bats go hot and cold at the drop of a hat, and, as the saying goes, Any Given Sunday. NBA Basketball and soccer never see random teams win, and rarely see upsets of note at all. Basketball is so small scale that whoever has the best player almost always wins, and the system and culture of pro soccer is inherently unfair for anyone outside of, at most, 15 teams in the world. Then add in the fact that, for me, anything that takes more than one game is a better upset. Anyone can win one game. Fluky things happen every year in the NFL playoffs and NCAA Tournament. Particularly in the latter, the term upset has almost lost it’s meaning because we now expect the lower seeds to win. Theoretically, a team with the right game plan and matchups could beat anyone on the right day, even the greatest football team of all time that was about to complete a perfect season (not that that would ever happen). So anytime the lesser team has to beat a better team multiple times, it becomes more and more unlikely that lesser team will prevail. So, in my opinion, Leicester City winning the 2016 Premier League title is the greatest upset of all time and all upsets really need to be judged against it. Would Conor McGregor winning be a bigger upset than Leicester City winning the Premier League?

No, I don’t think it would. Sure Floyd is a clear favorite. The biggest line I’ve seen had him at -2500. It’ll be less than that closer to the fight, but that’s still significant. But there’s a couple of things working against this fight’s great upset potential. First of all, I’m rooting for Conor. As someone with primarily Irish heritage, I feel like it’s my duty to give him the Official Brian’s Den Seal of Approval, which is more valuable than leprechaun gold (Side rant: What do people who are actually from other countries think about Americans who say they’re from there? Like, if I went up to Conor and was like, “Hey, man, my ancestors’ ancestors were from Ireland. That means we’re friends, right?” What would someone from Rome think about all the “Italians” who have never left their neighborhood in Brooklyn? Even if you’re like, twentieth generation, I think it’s sacred law that if you have any Portuguese blood in you, you’re required to act like you were born and raised in Lisbon and have served thirty years in the Portuguese army because you love your homeland so much. I feel like someone who is actually from that country would just roll their eyes and secretly hate everyone who claims allegiance to them. I don’t know, just a random thought I have sometimes). Speaking of gold, boxing (and individual sports in general) are too shady for anything to be an upset without any suspicions attached to them. Who’s to say one of them won’t just take a dive? I mean, Floyd can’t even pay his taxes anymore, maybe he needs cash. Or, if it goes to decision, what if the judges are biased or compromised? It’s happened before. Like, this year. And it’ll happen again. Any sport that relies on people who aren’t competing remaining impartial is asking for trouble. Outside of knockouts, pretty much every boxing decision is open for scrutiny and accusations. I prefer my upsets to be clear: One team or person scored more indisputable points than the other. Conor winning by decision is so unlikely that it’s virtually impossible, but, even if he did, you know people would come out of the woodwork claiming it was fixed, just like they will if Floyd wins by decision but doesn’t dominate Conor like most people expect him to. I need First Take to debate what my upset’s legacy is, not whether or not my upset was legitimate. So, no Conor winning will not be the greatest upset off all time. Mostly because he won’t win.

PICK: Mayweather by decision

I am Upset and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

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I’m typically a pretty level-headed person. As all of you know, I try to stay measured and don’t commit too far one way or the other. I go with the flow. I don’t let the little things bother me. I block out all the really annoying things people do so that it doesn’t completely consume my life and fill me with a never-ending rage. But, lately, the offenses have begun to mount. I have been faced with countless indiscretions in the span of like, two weeks, and it’s too much to ignore. I need to vent. I need to rant. I need the offenders to feel shame equal to the amount of anger they caused. What are all these mysterious problems? Well, I’m glad you asked.

  • I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before or not. I feel like I probably have. But why do people put bread in the fridge? Why would someone take up valuable refrigerator space for an entire loaf of bread? Why would someone take up valuable refrigerator space for an entire loaf of bread? Why would you put something that doesn’t need to be refrigerated in a refrigerator? Why would you want cold bread all the time? Why did anyone do this when refrigerators were invented, and why did those same people pass the practice down to their progeny? Why why why? I went to my friend’s house and needed to put something in the fridge, but there was no room because there was a big loaf of bread in there. I started questioning the entire friendship. Bread doesn’t go in the fridge. It’s pretty simple stuff. If you put bread in the fridge, you deserve to eat moldy bread for the rest of your life.
  • So I’m on a seemingly never ending quest right now. Around the middle of July, it was announced that Cinnamon Toast Crunch was releasing a new frozen delicacy, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bites: 2fbca93aba6d96ee_cinnamon_toast_crunch_bitesThose of you who follow my Instagram account know that I primarily just reviews for all the new releases in junk and fast food I can get my hands on, and these things are easily my most personally anticipated item ever. I don’t even really need to do a review because I know they’re going to be a 10 out of 10. But, as you can tell, I don’t have them yet. Every press release has stated that they’d be out by the end of the month. Well, July ended, and no Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bites have been seen. Believe me, I’ve looked. I’ve pretty much been to the grocery store every day for the last ten days or so, and every time I’ve been empty handed. But that’s not what I’m really upset about, though. Spending all that time in grocery stores has made me think back to my Grocery Store Rules and realize how often people violate them. Old ladies put their carts in the dead center of every aisle, go 2 miles per hour, and stop and random times in front of the thing you need. Old people jamming up the express checkout by taking too many thing with them. Old people jamming up the self-checkout because they don’t know how to use them. Old people in general not understanding how to conduct themselves in a grocery store, really. But one thing really took the cake. One incident that is forever seared into my subconscious. One memory that will probably take multiple years off my life, because I’m shaking with fury just thinking about it. This goddamn old man was walking around with a cup of soup he hadn’t paid for yet and sipping it. He had a spoon in his hand but he was still drinking it like it was a glass of lemonade. I couldn’t really fathom what I was watching at first. How could anyone behave this way? How could he think this was okay? He had a family with him. He kept straying away and asking literally every single employee he saw some stupid question, but he had a family. How did they let it happen. I’m not sure you understand yet: HE HAD A SPOON IN HIS HAND AND WAS STILL DRINKING HIS SOUP! WHY?????? It wasn’t tomato soup or anything, he had to chew! Why was he drinking it? I really almost killed him. I was this close to strangling him. Or taking the rest of the vat of soup he drew from and pouring it on his head. HE HADN’T EVEN PAID FOR THE SOUP YET! I feel like this is something only I care about, but you don’t eat something before you buy it. I bet he just threw the cup out and got some free soup, because clearly if he cares so little for etiquette and the well being of others that he’s sipping on some soup while walking around a grocery store, odds are he’s not too concerned about paying up, either. It’s clearly time for this old timer to be put out to pasture, but that’s not enough. Not for this crime. His possessions need to be seized. His life’s work erased. His family name needs to be wiped from the annals of history. Everything he’s ever loved needs to be destroyed in front of him. Maybe then he’ll think twice about doing something really annoying in a grocery store.
  • If you thought that was all the adversity I’ve had to face lately, you’d be wrong. In the process of going to Saratoga this weekend, I had to do a lot of driving. And I kept running into people who were going like 60 in the left lane. Why does anyone think it’s okay to do this? If you don’t feel like driving fast, don’t be in the left lane. That’s literally the entire point of having multiple lanes. Honestly, when there’s two lanes and the guy in the right lane is going 66 and the guy in the left lane is going 67, but I’m going 75 what am I supposed to do? Slow down? My travel plans shouldn’t be dictated by cowards who are too afraid to commit one way or another. If you want to go at a more leisurely pace, stay in the right lane. It can’t possibly get any simpler. I hate the highway. I want to get my highway experience over and done with as fast as possible. Don’t be the tough guy who thinks that making other people slow down will make up for the fact that you were picked on in high school. You don’t need to go fast. If you like the highway experience and want to savor it, more power to you. But don’t force me to spend any more time on it than I have to.
  • Now that I’m thinking about cars, this isn’t really a recent thing but people still do it on my street all the time. How can you look yourself in the mirror every morning if you knew you parked you car facing the wrong direction on a street? It’s really not that hard. I see this stuff all the time: This was literally taken two seconds ago outside my house. My street is not, I repeat, IS NOT a one way street. See anything wrong here? Maybe look at the pickup truck, for starters. And it’s every day with this asshole. He has literally never noticed that all the cars parked on his side of the street face the other way. I can’t understand it. Am I the only person with enough awareness of my surroundings to ever pick up on the fact that maybe, just maybe, what I’m doing is wrong? That maybe other people might get annoyed with my extreme ignorance? I guess that’s just my cross to bear.
  • There needs to be some kind of legal ramifications for mowing the lawn/weed whacking outside the hours of 12pm-7pm. I don’t think anything else needs to be said.

End of rants. I feel better now. I needed to get all of that off my chest. It just boggles my mind how people can be so oblivious sometimes all the time. Maybe martial law wouldn’t be the worst thing, after all.

I’d Rather be Totally Toothless than be an Adult with Braces

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I know this is going to seem like it’s coming out of nowhere, but believe me, it’s not. I’m pretty #triggered right now, and Twitter is to blame. I was just minding my own business, scrolling the timeline, when I see a video retweeted by my guy (and fellow UConn alum classmate (yeah, we had a class together, nbd) (ask him about it, I’m sure he remembers me)) Andre Drummond (by saying Drummond retweeted it, I’m clearly showing that I don’t follow TMZ. Or do I? Hmmm)

Andre, come on, man! What are you doing? How can you walk around with your mouth looking like that and expect to be taken seriously? You’re in the NBA, who cares what your teeth look like? Did you not have a booster you could have extorted into paying for these before you turned pro? Seeing this jarring image brought up all my thoughts about Adults with Braces, mainly that I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever be one. Now, this is like the king saying he’d never be caught dead working the fields. Every dentist I’ve ever had has told me how great my teeth are. I’ve never had braces, cavities, or (save for one nasty gymnastics incident) any other kind of serious dental procedure. So, I understand I might not be the ideal messenger. But still, you’d catch me looking like old Jafar before you saw me looking like our pal Andre.

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I’d say Adults with Braces are probably embarrassed every time they open their mouths, but judging by how often they flash their metallic teeth, I don’t think they have the same time of healthy shame the non-Peter Pan members of society have. Seriously, if you don’t have you braces put in before your junior year of high school, don’t even bother anymore. It’s just not worth it. No matter what, you’ll probably get teased by your classmates because kids and teenagers are horrible people. Don’t add to your misery by having to deal with being the Braces Guy at college or, God forbid, in the workforce. You’ll forever be viewed as lesser. You’ll be a modern day leper. Cursed to be labeled as the weird guy who never grew up. If, for some reason, all of my teeth started shifting position at my advanced age and the dentist said you need braces, I’d just tell him to take them all out so I can go dentures. I solemnly swear that I will never, even if someone has a gun to my head, even if someone has a gun to the head of everyone I’ve ever cared about, even if someone had the launch codes for every nuclear weapon on earth and said he’d fire them all unless I got braces, I’d resist. I will never be an Adult with Braces.

Seeing Drummond also made me more steadfast in my belief that, when (not if) I become an MLB/NBA/NFL GM, I will have a hard rule against athletes with braces. I will not have a team orthodontist, and I will do everything in my power to run all the orthodontists in my city out of town. I don’t even want my fans to look stupid, let alone my players. Who was the last Athlete with Braces who ever won anything? Brett Favre? Look at some of the more recent examples and tell me how you want all of these guys on your team:

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Has there ever been a less surprising thing in the history of America that Dwight Howard wore braces?

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Hey, remember when Nelson Cruz came through in the World Series and then didn’t get busted for steroids? Oh, wait, the opposite happened.

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Sure Willie Cauley-Stein is lifelong friends with Drake, but his braces look bad and the Kings stink.

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Leonard Fournette proves that even the most intimidating people look foolish with braces. And he got drafted by the Jaguars.

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I know he technically won a title while wearing braces, but you can’t tell me Pau Gasol isn’t the most “Braces Guy” guy of all time.

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Larry Donnell suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckssssss.

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You probably think Cristiano Ronaldo is the biggest case against #teamnobraces, and you’d be right. But, you know what they say. The exception proves the rule.

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Giants punter Brad Wing. Yes, the punter has braces. You can’t get any more stereotypical. Makes me wonder if the Giants actually have a scouting department.

The defense rests. Keep the athletes with braces off my team, please.

Why Do People Wear Shoes in their Own Homes?

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I barely slept at all last night. I couldn’t, really. How was I supposed to get any peace of mind after seeing what I had seen? Not even Rip van Winkle would be able to fall asleep with all the neurotic, existential dread running around in my head. As I was going through Instagram, I was presented with a truly horrifying image: a person was wearing sneakers in their own house. They were alone. They weren’t exercising. They were just wearing shoes inside. I know, I was disgusted, too.

I really can’t wrap my head around this move. How can you wear shoes in your own house? The whole point of having a house is so you don’t have to wear shoes. I love shoes as much as the next guy, but I hate wearing them. Any chance I get to go socks or barefoot, you better believe I’m jumping at the opportunity. How can you wear shoes on your own couch? On your own bed? If you think your floors are too dirty to go socks or barefoot on them, maybe it’s time to, I don’t know, clean them? How are people comfortable wearing shoes in their own home? Leave the outside world at the door, man. Your house is your castle.

I know plenty of people who are “shoes inside” people. Some of my best friends have come in to my house, kept their shoes on, and proceeded rub the bottom of their shoes all over my couch. I never said anything because I figured it was common decency and that, eventually, they would see the error of their ways and take their shoes off. Invariably, they didn’t and I (my mom) was stuck cleaning up after them. I tried to understand the mindset. I took myself to a dark, dark place mentally. I walked the dreary, never-ending wasteland of a shoes-inside guy’s mind, and brother, let me tell you it’s not somewhere I’m looking to go ever again. Going through life with no etiquette, no sense of how to function in society. Even worse, going through life with no idea that what you were doing was wrong. Ignorance may be bliss, but it also pisses off everyone around you who wasn’t raised by grizzly bears. It’s a simple solution, too. If you’re in a house and there isn’t a high school/college party going on, take your shoes off. If you’re a germaphobe, wear socks and grow up. Don’t wear shoes in houses, period.

I’m sort of afraid to throw this out there, but I kind of think you should be able to go sans-shoes everywhere you go. Obviously, there’s exceptions. I wouldn’t go to a bar or a fast food place without a thick layer of sole between my skin and whatever’s living on the floor. But random office buildings? Nicer stores? Airports? Why can’t I just go socks? They clean those floors 24/7. I think everyone should be as comfortable as possible at all times. Not wearing shoes is more comfortable than wearing shoes. Ipso facto, people shouldn’t be shamed for not wearing shoes while in a clean room that has a roof (that includes airplanes). Now, this isn’t #noonmeansno. I know that there’s tons of pushback against this idea, and, at some point, you have to pick your battles. So I’m not going all out with this. I’m just trying to give people something to think about. Carpet isn’t meant to be trampled on by shoes. It’s meant to be experienced by bare feet. You’re denying one of mankind’s most ancient industries its true purpose by wearing shoes in your house. That makes you a bad person.

MLB Thoughts

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Folks, it’s hot out there. Very hot. Whatever your favorite saying about how hot it really is definitely applies. I went to the beach thinking I might get some relief, but I was sorely mistaken. It was hot there, too. Luckily, as part of #teamsunblock, I didn’t pick up any sunburns. But the sand was like a hibachi grill. Every step was like getting stabbed by a thousand tiny knives. I wanted to amputate my feet. I still might, honestly. I got sand everywhere. I got sand in places I didn’t know I could get sand. And yet, despite that adversity, I’m still going to bring you some MLB Thoughts. I know, I know, you think I’m a hero. Listen, the real heroes are the school teachers and the baseball writers that put their beliefs over facts keep the game sacred. I’m just a guy with blazing hot MLB takes. But I can see how you would get it confused.

  • Ever since the Most Perfect Baseball Player Ever Mike Trout tragically passed away (on to the disabled list), we’ve been left with a power vacuum at the top of the league. “Who’s the best player in the league now?” Is it Clayton Kershaw? Bryce Harper? Perhaps Aaron Judge? Well, after looking over the facts, my mind is made up. Without a doubt, the best player in the league is currently Pablo Sandoval.
  • This is the third MLB Thoughts. Thus, it’s the third time I’m going to gloat about correctly predicted that the Rockies would be good this year. Don’t like it? Write to your local representative and ask him to make the Rockies stop winning games.
  • I wish the Red Sox offense would stop sucking.
  • I’m not usually a victim of small sample sizes, but I think Aaron Judge is pretty strong.
  • Why are the Twins good? They have the exact same team as last year when they lost a million games. I don’t get how they’re in first place.
  • I didn’t think they’d really have any competition, but the AL Central is giving the NL East a serious run for its money for the Worst Division Crown.
  • Speaking of why are they good and AL Central, how does Jason Vargas have a 2.18 ERA? Guy stinks.
  • Speaking yet again of why are they good, what’s up with Zack Cozart? His career high OPS was .769. He’s at 1.018 this year. He’s already got a career high in WAR, too. Forget Scooter Gennett, any random drug testers headed towards Cincinnati need to make a beeline for Cozart’s locker.
  • God, this Houston Astros super team is ruining the league. I mean, they’re just destroying everyone else in the league. Everyone knows they’re going to wind up in the World Series. Where’s the fun in that? I miss the 90s when it was more competitive. Sure, teams like the Yankees and Braves were dominant every year, but they had to fight more for it! The old guys were tougher! They didn’t just shoot 3s all the time! Sorry, I kind of blacked out for a second, there.
  • Aww, Manny Machado was spiked in the wrist and might go to the DL now? Why do bad things always happen to good people?
  • It would be the most Cubs thing ever if, after finally breaking through and winning the World Series, the turn around and miss the playoffs the next year with the exact same roster. Seriously, what’s going on with them? Was Dexter Fowler really that important? Every time the look like they’re ready to turn the corner, they lose three in a row or four out of five. And I know he’s everyone’s favorite fat guy (I love him, too, btw), but Schwarber has been bruuuuutalllll all season. Their numbers (particularly Bryant’s) are still pretty good, but something just seems off with the Kris Bryant-Anthony Rizzo tag team. They were a dynamic force all year last season, and there’s only been flashes of it this year. Guess it doesn’t help that both Jake Arrieta and Jon Lester both have ERAs over 4.
  • As we get into the dogs days of summer and there becomes a dearth of good talking points, expect there to be a lot of lamenting about how baseball is becoming more and more focused on the Three True Outcomes (strikeout, walk, home run). Strikeout rates continue to increase every year, home run rates are at their highest since the Steroid Era, and walk rates will increase as the value of on base percentage over batting average continues to grow. There’s going to be a lot of Goose Gossage-types who will come out of the woodwork and say that Back in Their Day, people actually put the ball in play and defense mattered. They will then say that they could have dominated in this era, even though the likes of Joe Kelly (Joe Kelly) can hit 100+ on the radar gun and some of the closers these days are almost literally impossible to hit against.
  • I also don’t get how the Giants can possibly be this bad. I mean, when you’re dead last in the league in runs scored (the Padres don’t count for the runs scored ranking anymore, since they’ve finished 30th out of 30 for 25 straight years), I guess that’ll lead to a lot of losses.
  • So, is the Phillies’ rebuild just going to be permanent or what? I get the Astros kind of ruined it for everyone else when they went from awful to great overnight a few years ago, but the Phillies have stunk for multiple years now. I don’t think Phillies’ fans would be too out of line to start expecting some results fairly soon.
  • Alright Yankees fans, I’ll acknowledge that the team is good. Maybe even legitimately good. But if you think I’m going to talk about how they just murder the Red Sox in back to back games, you’re sorely mistaken.
  • Just realized I never weighed in on the Bryce Harper v. Hunter Strickland fight. I don’t have a take I just realized I never actually talked about it.
  • MLB The Show 17 update: after grinding through an eternity in Tampa Bay, I finally hit free agency. I signed with Colorado because all I really care about are stats. Well, I’ve hit 120 combined homers in the first two years, so I think it’s going to work out just fine.
  • I realize they have good intentions, but the Reds’ camo jerseys are very bad.
  • The Rays’ “fauxback” jerseys are very good. Now someone please get Tropicana Field out of my sight forever.
  • Breaking News: The Mets stink.
  • Need more mascot race highlights. Haven’t had enough of them this year.