I think the Weeknd might be a Virgin


This might seem like it’s coming out of nowhere, but last night, as I was driving home, “I Feel It Coming,” by The Weeknd featuring Daft Punk, came on my radio. While it wasn’t the first time I heard it, I hadn’t really thought about it much until then, and I had two initial thoughts. The first is that it’s a blazing hot song and I couldn’t wait to listen to it a million more times. The second is that The Weeknd literally talks about sex and drugs in every single song. Who does that? This isn’t the poker scene from 40 Year Old Virgin. No one cares about your sexual escapades, man. The people who talk about how many chicks they’ve banged or how high they get are always the ones who’ve done the least. Then it hit me: I’m pretty sure The Weeknd is a virgin. Or, at least he was until he got huge.

First off, Wikipedia tells me he started doing drugs when he was 11. The source for that? The Weeknd himself. Hmmmm. Pretty convenient to be your own biographer. Second, The Weeknd is, by a country mile, the worst stage name ever created by man. You can’t be a solo act and call yourself The Weeknd. That’s a band name, and a bad band name at that. His real name is Abel Makkonen Tesfaye. That’s a sweet name. Go by that, not The Weeknd. If I was a self-respecting woman, and someone introduced themselves to me as The Weeknd, and had this hair:


I’m telling him thanks, but no thanks. He also has no stage presence. Ever watch him perform? He’s like a rotting 2×4 up there. And he’s like 5’8″. I don’t care how smooth and velvety your voice is, or how many jams you throw out, that’s a lot to overcome. I just did some quick research, and he talks about drugs or sex in 100% of his songs. It’s like when guys get $200,000 sports cars or huge Hummers. Everyone knows what it really means. My man Abel is just trying to fit in at the cool table, so he’s just telling stories about his favorite porn videos. I’d love to spend a weekend with The Weeknd (get it?) just to see what he actually does. Actually, I probably wouldn’t since he’s got one of the most boring personalities of all time. But that’s just a side effect from all the “drugs,” right?

I mean, at some level, I get it. I’m not the “coolest” guy you’ll ever meet. I don’t do the drugs and, somehow, I’m still single. I can see how you’d want to stretch the truth. But people know, man. Just look at the patron saint of the Brian’s Den, George Michael. Once he stopped pretending be something he wasn’t, he became a legend. Not everyone can be a Barry White love machine. The world needs ditch diggers and boring people, too. Maybe it’s time for the real Abel Tesfaye. Let’s get some tracks about staying in on Saturday night or playing a bunch of Minesweeper on your computer. It’s about time we get some nice R&B about not finding anyone to go with you to that new restaurant you’ve been meaning to try or binge watching Big Bang Theory. That’s when your career will really take off.

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