You Are Invited to Blayze on the Beach 2019- the Biggest Party in Human History

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Are you bored? Tired of a pointless, mundane existence? Want to escape your pallid life and join beautiful people in paradise and get a ton of likes on Instagram? Come join the hottest event in human history. Blayze on the Beach will take the world by storm February 21-24 on the beautiful Bavaro Beach in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. The ultimate entertainment experience will totally immerse you in the lifestyle you’ve been dying to convince your online friends you’ve been living for years. A never-ending party and never-ending music. Blayze on the Beach has everything you need to break free. Picturesque, worry-free beach? Check. Unlimited cocktails presented by New Amsterdam Vodka? Check. Unforgettable, once-in-a-lifetime performances by legendary musicians like Travis Scott and Rixton? Check. Blayze on the Beach is going to be the premier music festival in the Western Hemisphere in 2019. This is an opportunity you do not want to miss.

A taste of the acts that will be performing on the Blayze Stayge:

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Drake? He’s in

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A One Direction Reunion? Only One Thing Could Get These Guys Back Together- Blayze on the Beach

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You Know Simple Plan Will Be There

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Cardi B Might Be In Punta Cana At Some Point

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Sheeran’s Bringing Lots of Sunscreen. Are You?

Don’t have your ticket yet? Worry not, there’ still time. Better act fast, though.

UPDATE: All General Admission Tickets are SOLD OUT! Luckily there are plenty of premium packages for you to chose from so you can do Blayze on the Beach the right way:

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Basic Beach Villa Experience- Only $50,000

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Beach Villa That’s A Little Farther Away From The Other Villas- Only $75,000

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Beach Villa With WiFi- Only $100,000

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Beach Villa That’s Not Really On The Beach But Is Still Pretty Nice- Only $150,000

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Secluded Beach Villa That’s An Inconvenient Distance From The Venue- Only $250,000

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Vintage Tent Experience- Only $500,000

Interested in tickets? CLICK HERE

Not sure what else needs to be said. Blayze on the Beach is going to change the world. Come February 21, anyone left on the outside looking in is going to regret it. Don’t let this pass you by.

This could be you

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Countdown to 2019

2019

Can’t believe 2018 is over already. I feel like Velma, but instead of looking for her glasses I’m looking for all the years of my life that have passed by. That sounded kind of depressing, sorry. But that’s just how time works, man. Just keeps moving forward. If you even believe in time, at all. But this isn’t a Burning Questions, this is the Countdown of Countdowns. Third year we’ve done this, which is crazy to think about. I also realize I forgot to mention my two-year anniversary when it came and went December 26th. I apologize not only to you, my loyal readers, but to George Michael, the patron saint of the Brian’s Den whose death sparked the creation of this beloved site. It won’t happen again. But for the true fans, the Brian’s Den’s greatest hits always live on deep in their hearts, so was a clip show really necessary? I’ll let you decide. Anyhow, the Countdown. We’re saying goodbye to 2018 with eighteen, yes, eighteen countdowns. It could get ugly after about ten, but we’re powering through; I’ve decided to start working a little harder in 2019. Just part of the #newyearnewme lifestyle.

Top Five Movies from 2018 Based on Brian’s Den Scoring

  1. Mission: Impossible Fallout– One of the five best action movies ever made
  2. Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse– Cried like four times
  3. The Commuter– This was like when Greg Maddux would throw an 80-pitch shutout late in his career just to show that he could still do it
  4. Skyscraper– Might be in the pantheon of random Rock action movies
  5. A Star is Born– Couldn’t leave out my boy B-Coop

Top Five Movies I Didn’t See But Will Say I Saw Come Awards Season to Sound Smarter

  1. The Favourite– Just waiting for the Americanized The Favorite to come out
  2. BlacKkKlansman– I watched the first three seasons of Ballers, does that count?
  3. Leave No Trace– Didn’t Viggo do this exact movie a year ago?
  4. If Beale Street Could Talk– Think I’m gonna feel bad about not seeing this one
  5. Bird Box– I will not let the memes win

Top Five Video Games I Played in 2018

  1. Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild– Getting myself a Switch for my birthday was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made
  2. God of War– Remember when I tried streaming? That was fun
  3. Fire Emblem Awakening– Yes, I know it’s old. No, I don’t care. I played four Fire Emblem games in a row and it was one of the most legitimately fun eras of my life and may or may not have indirectly lead to my move to New York City
  4. Spider-Man– Big year for Spidey
  5. Super Smash Bros. Ultimate– Smash will always make the cut

Top Five Games I’m Looking Forward to in 2019

  1. Kingdom Hearts III– I’ll be fine if I die after I finish this
  2. Untitled Pokémon Switch Game– We all know this is going to be a banger
  3. Fire Emblem: Three Houses– See above section
  4. Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice– I’m going to get this and I’m going to hate myself for committing to what is surely an absolutely impossible game
  5. Final Fantasy VII– Just kidding. This is never coming out

Top Five Songs of 2018

  1. “I Like It” by Cardi B, Bad Bunny, & J Balvin- It’s just a fire song
  2. “Finesse” by Bruno Mars & Cardi B- Cardi B only puts out heat and that’s an undeniable fact
  3. “New Light” by John Mayer- I like that the stigma against liking John Mayer is gone
  4. “Sicko Mode” by Travis Scott- I’ll always remember Travis Scott for his Ballers cameos the most. That might be the last Ballers reference this year
  5. “Party for One” by Carly Rae Jepsen- Leave your CRJ hate at the door, please

Top Five TV Shows I Watched in 2018

  1. Good Place– It’s good. Get it?
  2. All or Nothing: Manchester City– So, umm, yeah, I didn’t really watch any shows this year and I don’t really know why
  3. Westworld– There is no way Westworld season 2 should be number three on anyone’s list but here we are
  4. I don’t know, man. New Black Mirror came out that I haven’t watched yet so I’ll say that
  5. Spongebob seasons 1-3- RIP Stephen Hillenburg

Top Five Athletes of 2018

  1. Luka Doncic- I never overreact, I swear
  2. Mookie Betts- Red Sox won the World Series, in case you forgot
  3. Nick Foles- What a large penis this man has
  4. Aaron Donald- Feel like this is what it was like for my dad when he watched Bill Russell
  5. Every Olympian- Remeber the Olympics? They were this year! Crazy

Top Five New Year’s Eve Concerts

  1. Phish- MSG
  2. Bruno Mars- T-Mobile Arena, Las Vegas
  3. Lady Gaga- Park Theater at Park MGM, Las Vegas
  4. Lynyrd Skynyrd- WinStar World Casino, Thackerville, Oklahoma
  5. Billy Joel- Nassau Coliseum, Long Island

Top Five New Fast Food Items

  1. Double Cheesy Gordita Crunch- Taco Bell
  2. Triple Melt Burrito- Taco Bell
  3. Nightmare King- Burger King
  4. Wild Naked Chicken Chalupa- Taco Bell
  5. Nacho Fries- Taco Bell

Top Five Best Things That Happened to Me in 2018

  1. Moved to New York City
  2. I just got this new deodorant (it’s men’s, FYI. It’s almost 2019) that has lavender in it and it smells very nice
  3. Any of the times I missed a subway train or bus by a matter of milliseconds
  4. My sister got me this notebook for Christmas that makes me feel like Aragorn since it looks straight out of Middle Earth
  5. Actually made some new friends. Rare!

Top Five Worst Smells

  1. Whatever’s been brewing in my fridge for the last month or two that I keep waiting for someone else to take care of but it never happens
  2. General garbage
  3. Someone else’s puke
  4. Rotting flesh
  5. Subway when you don’t want it

Top Five Acting Performances Ever by Men

  1. Samuel L. Jackson- Pulp Fiction
  2. Christoph Waltz- Inglorious Basterds
  3. Chappie- Chappie
  4. Daniel Day-Lewis- There Will Be Blood
  5. Nicolas Cage- The Wicker Man

Top Five Acting Performances Ever by Women

  1. Lady Gaga- A Star is Born
  2. Melissa McCarthy- The Heat
  3. Viola Davis- Fences
  4. Ellen Burstyn- The Wicker Man
  5. Jodie Foster- Silence of the Lambs

Top Five Book(s) Ever

  1. If I Did It: Confessions of a Killer by Pablo Fenjves and O.J. Simpson
  2. Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien
  3. Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling
  4. Song of Ice and Fire Series by George R.R. Martin
  5. The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Agatha Christie

Top Five Vegetables

  1. Potato
  2. Carrot
  3. Red onion
  4. Non-infected lettuce
  5. Spinach

Top Five Places to Go Swimming

  1. Private pool- No rules whatsoever after a certain age=fun
  2. Health club pool- Usually the highest quality pool and water
  3. Lake- Beach is generally more fun, but lakes are far superior for swimming
  4. Public pool- Especially hotel pools where you can smell the chlorine three blocks away
  5. Beach- Swimming in the ocean is almost always a better idea in theory than in practice

Top Five Italian Renaissance Artists

  1. Michelangelo- The G.O.A.T. and I don’t know who’s really that close to him. Master of every medium. Only thing going against him is that every portrait of him looks like Willem Defoe if he got lost in the woods for a month and the only food he had was heroin
  2. Sandro Botticelli- Most underrated painter ever. Yeah, I said it
  3. Leonardo da Vinci- He’s honestly such an overrated artist but I don’t want to draw the ire of the people who put the emphasis on the “ai” in Renaissance
  4. Raphael- Raphael, of course, was known for his works’ clarity of form, ease of composition, and visual achievement of the Neoplatonic ideal of human grandeur
  5. Donatello- I swear I didn’t envision this happening but I have no choice now

Top Five Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2019

  1. More calm, peaceful discourse in all areas of the Internet
  2. A McDonald’s resurgence. It’s coming, and you don’t want to be on the wrong side of history
  3. The Patriots winning a sixth Super Bowl
  4. Getting a pet flamingo
  5. Spending more time in the Brian’s Den- 2019 is gonna be huge. Believe it

Introducing the Christmas Album Hall of Fame

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Folks, it’s almost Christmas. Less than a week, in fact. That means only one thing: it’s time to talk Christmas music again. If you remember Last Christmas, you know I laid out the case for Kelly Clarkson’s Wrapped in Red as the best Christmas album of the last 33 years and included some other modern classics. This year I thought I’d take the logical next step and create the Christmas Album Hall of Fame.

What is the Christmas Album Hall of Fame, you ask? Well, if you’re familiar with the concept of halls of fame, it’s that. It’s just a place where the best of the best are enshrined for eternity. Where is it? Why, it’s where all music lives, silly. In your heart. Also the physical location is in Massapequa, New York. The real estate was cheap, there.

Anyway, without further ado, I present the inaugural class in the Christmas Album Hall of Fame. There aren’t any specific qualifications, per se. It’s album sales, its’s cultural impact, it’s general quality. It’s kind of when you know, you know. And luckily for you, I know good Christmas albums. It’s what got me onto the selection committee, in the first place.

Veteran’s Committee Selections

Much like in sports halls of fame, the Veteran’s Committee exists to recognize the titans of years gone by. The names that may have been forgotten by the modern game, but whose importance and trailblazing cannot be overstated. In other words, it’s just old stuff.

Elvis- Elvis’ Christmas Album

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As the highest selling Christmas album of all time, Elvis probably would have made the Hall without the help of the Veteran’s Committee, but why leave it up to chance? Feel like we don’t talk enough about Elvis anymore. Guy was a legend. Used to make sandwiches out of whole loaves of bread and was always strapped. Sounds like someone who lived his life in the spirit of Christmas.

Signature Song:

Bing Crosby- White Christmas

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The ultimate one-trick-pony. Did Bing Crosby every do anything besides White Christmas? I’ll never know. But did he really need to? When you’ve got the hottest grainy audio of all time, I think one pitch is all you need. I can practically smell this album, and if you don’t know what I mean by that then you don’t have white grandparents.

Signature Song:

Johnny Mathis- Merry Christmas

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A staple of this man’s car rides to said grandmother’s house for Christmas, Johnny Mathis snags the final Veteran’s Committee spot. Many people were looking for Frank Sinatra to be the Veteran’s Committee’s third selection, but a shocking eleventh hour change in the voting propelled J-Math to the top. Can you really blame them, though? No one sounds more like snow and hot chocolate.

Signature Song:

 

Modern Entrants

Kelly Clarkson- Wrapped in Red

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I think I’ve gone into this enough.

Signature Song:

Céline Dion- These Are Special Times

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You knew the queen was getting in first ballot. If Wrapped in Red is the best Christmas album since “Last Christmas,” These Are Special Times is the second best. It’s a little bloated, which is just about the only negative. So many absolute bangers and powerhouse performances (what a surprise). It’s heavy on the religious songs, but if you’re against that you’re not a true Christmas music fan. 90% of this album is pure heat, and since there’s about 100 songs that’s a pretty good ratio. I mean, a song with Céline AND Andrea Bocelli? Someone pinch me, because I must be dreaming.

Signature Song:

Impossible to pick just one, but for the end note alone-

Or the hilarity of a French-Canadian power ballad diva singing “Feliz Navidad”

Michael Bublé- Christmas

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Listen, the guy’s the King of Christmas for a reason. Fire voice, fire album. Pure, uncut Christmas spirit. No one has ever paired their music to the retail consumer experience better.

Signature Song:

Mariah Carey- Merry Christmas

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Eli Manning is going to be a first ballot Hall of Famer. The same logic applies here. Not a ton of highs, but man. Were those highs the highest highs ever.

Signature Song:

Josh Groban- Noël

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Josh Groban is so underrated. We as a society have kind of forgotten about him, and that’s a travesty. He’s got one of the best *Googles* tenor and/or baritone voices of the modern era. You’re really gonna sit there and tell me you didn’t blast “You Raise Me Up” nonstop when it came out? Because I don’t believe that. Not for a second. Anyway, Noël is a real gem of a Christmas album. Banger after banger after banger. And the features? Faith Hill, Brian McKnight, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? Be still my beating heart. Like Céline’s it’s got a lot of religious songs, but I can only take so much “Santa Baby” before I need some piety in my life.

Signature Song:

or from the deluxe edition re-release

The Beach Boys- The Beach Boys’ Christmas Album

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You may think this would fall under the Veteran’s Committee’s jurisdiction, but it was already penciled in for induction before the V.C. had their vote. The Beach Boys are kind of weird in that normal people don’t care about them at all but music hipsters can talk for hours about how genius they are and criticize you for only knowing their early stuff. Anyway, this is a fire album. Always nice to insert a little energy into a genre that can be pretty heavy most of the time. Definitely one of the most influential Christmas albums of all time, too. According to my research (off the top of my head) it’s the first time an artist experimented with classics and put their own spin on well known hits. It’s ubiquitous now, but someone had to be the first to do it. Also people forget Mike Love is Kevin Love’s uncle.

Signature Song:

That’s it for the first ever inductees to the Christmas Album Hall of Fame. Did your favorite not make the cut? Too bad. This is the first ever class, not everyone can get in. Maybe next year Michael Bolton will get in (spoiler alert: he will). Don’t forget to stop in the next time you’re in Massapequa. Admission’s dirt cheap. I also get a tax break if the Hall brings enough people into the city, so keep that in mind.

Merry Christmas, and remember, always listen responsibly.

Top Ten Anime Opening Songs of All Time

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In all my years, this might be the slowest summer I can remember. There’s nothing going on. The NFL training camp storylines are all boring, repetitive, or depressing. Baseball is just kind of there until the playoff race. NBA free agency came and went. The only major story is the Ohio State situation which…..yeah I think I’m good on that. The real world’s been pretty dry, too. No crazy fast food items, no funny science articles, no nothing. As a result, I’ve been quite bored. And in my boredom, rather than try new things or make progress on my theoretical career, I’ve turned to an old friend of mine, G Gundam. It’s my favorite show of all time, and I’ve watched it in it’s entirety at least seven times. But I just can’t get enough. It’s silly, it’s over-the-top, it’s melodramatic, and almost definitely wouldn’t be put on the air in 2018. Really the only thing you need to know is that there’s a giant horse robot that’s piloted by an actual horse. But every few years, I’m drawn back to it. Yes, it’s a ridiculous super-robot show about gundams fighting for control of the universe, but’s it’s so much more than that. It’s a story about love, loss, and that human moment where you learn your parents/ the people that raised you aren’t perfect, after all, and it has one of the best casts of characters you’ll ever find. And it totally leans in and embraces the absurdity of itself. I could literally talk about G Gundam for days on end.

But on to the topic at hand. Among the many reasons why I love G Gundam so much (alongside the beautiful character designs, countless emotional scenes, and the fact that it’s one of the rare cases where the dub is far superior to the original Japanese) is that the soundtrack is pure heat. Every song and composition is an absolute banger, and that includes both of its opening songs. It got me wondering if both songs would rank in the top ten of anime opening theme songs. So, I decided to introduce yet another segment literally only I care about, the Top Ten Anime Opening Songs of All Time.

Before I begin, I must make it clear: I’m only including shows I’ve seen. I’m sure that one random show you watched on Crunchyroll the other week has a fire opening song, but I haven’t seen it, so it’d be disingenuous for me to include it. And while I’ve likely watched more anime than the average person, my knowledge is far from encyclopedic. So, again, that show that no one watched but you loved isn’t on my radar. Sorry. As for actual criteria, it’s pretty simple: is the song good? Is the song catchy? Does the song insert random English words? If the answer to all of these is yes, odds are it’ll make the list. The quality of the actual show doesn’t matter. As with all of my lists, if you disagree it just means you have incorrect opinions.

10. Outlaw Star

A criminally underrated member of the Toonami class of anime that aired in the early 2000s, Outlaw Star‘s opening song is a slice of late 90s music that concludes with a deliciously forced English phrase. I’m a sucker for space operas so I was naturally drawn to Outlaw Star, but a song that made me want to go to a Lenny Kravitz concert every week didn’t exactly keep my devotion at bay. Could have benefitted from a second season, though.

9. Death Note First Opening

Finally, a song for all the teens out there that no one understands, especially not their annoying stepfathers. God, this song is angsty. Almost too angsty for the list, but I included it, anyway- mostly because it’d be hard to find a song that fits a show’s general vibe more than this. Death Note is a pretty basic bitch answer when it comes to best anime (is the plural anime or animes? I never know), but that’s because (the first half) is great and everyone should watch it. Just hide the sharp objects during the opening.

8. Seven Deadly Sins First Opening

Seven Deadly Sins is a goofy-ass show (yes, and manga. I know 90% of these are based on manga that I haven’t read. Don’t be that guy) that’s essentially a send-up of classic fantasy tropes while also being a pretty standard fantasy story. It also has a flaming hot opening song. They changed it halfway through for reasons I don’t fully understand, but it’s really just bad luck that this song isn’t much higher. Guess it’s true what they say: there’s a lot of good music out there.

7. Attack on Titan First Opening

Need more choirs in my opening theme songs. I’ll say this: no show’s theme song has ever made a show sound as important as Attack on Titan‘s. Feel like the fate of my non-Titan infested world is at stake just watching it. Like if I don’t press play on that next episode evil wins. That’s a powerful incentive to keep watching.

6. Digimon (Japanese Version)

I know, I know. The “Digimon: digital monsters” song holds a special place in my heart, too. But the Japanese version is objectively 100000000 times better. I’m neither a sub nor dub purist, but when the American versions of shows take out fire openings like this it makes me wonder why you’d even bother airing the show, in the first place. I’ll save my thoughts on why the Digimon show universe is far superior to the Pokemon show universe since I realize I can only go so deep into my own brain before I lose everyone completely.

5. G Gundam Second Opening

“G Gundam is only number five? I thought you just went on and on about how good the music was!” Fear not, friend. As I said, G Gundam has two opening songs. Be patient and enjoy some truly elite-level English phrase insertion. Most anime theme songs go for intensity or ear-worm-ability (is English actually my second language, too? You’ll never know), “I Trust You Forever” hits you with the sentimentality. Get you a show that does absolutely everything.

4. Cowboy Bebop

A little different than pretty much every anime song ever, I love Bebop‘s jazz-centric soundtrack. Really gives it that noir-feel. Cowboy Bebop is an absolute must-watch if you haven’t seen it already. It’s pretty much Firefly if Firefly wasn’t on network TV and wasn’t bound by the shackles of live-action. The opening theme fits in perfectly. A memorable and influential song for a memorable and influential show.

3. Death Parade

Death Parade is a decent show about the afterlife. Death Parade has an absolute BANGER for their opening theme. It’s absurd how catchy this song is. I want to live inside this song because it’d be so much fun. It’s the biggest gap between opening theme quality and show quality in television history. Actually, no it’s not. That title goes to….

2. Pokemon First Season

I’ve probably gone into this before, but I hate the show. Ash SUCKS and I want Pikachu dead. I guess I’m too big of a game purist. That being said, only the staunchest hater and biggest stick in the mud can deny the power of the Pokemon theme song. It’s the GOAT English song opening in anime history, and is probably in the top ten for all TV. The remix from the first movie is scalding hot, as well. If only Gary was the main character (this might not be the last Pokemon related content of the summer. Hmmmmmm).

1. G Gundam First Opening

Let me tell you about how dominant the G Gundam soundtrack is. If I was to make a list of the top ten ending songs in anime history, guess which show would have two in the top ten? The answer is G Gundam, if you couldn’t tell. This is the unquestioned GOAT opening theme in television history. I won’t listen to any arguments to the contrary. It has it all: it’s catchy, it’s upbeat, it has a ton of random English phrases. I put the full song because it’s so hot, but the shortened version that’s paired with the video is iconic, too (mostly because it spoils large portions of the plot). Actually, I’ll just include that, too.

It’s just the best. Period. End of story. Nothing will ever top the G Gundam opening theme song. Did I mention that Domon Kasshu, the main character, is thicc as hell, too?

I can’t think of a better set of endorsements for a show than what I’ve just laid out. If you don’t want to watch G Gundam after all this, I don’t know what to tell you.

God, I’m lonely.

Is Mamma Mia 2 the Greatest Movie Sequel of All Time?

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So I saw Mamma Mia 2 over the weekend. Loved it. Love me some ABBA. Love musicals of any kind, really. But I’m totally sucked into the Mamma Mia-verse. I’m blasting ABBA all day and night. I’m dreaming of trips to fictional Greek islands. I’m falling in love with the cast. Hey, Lily James, I hear you like overweight guys with no money or self-esteem, ‘sup? You should take a chance on me (that’s an ABBA joke, folks). I briefly wondered which of the Big Three I’d be before realizing that, in both looks and personality, I’m nearly identical to young Bill.

Who’s who? I certainly can’t tell. I loved it so much I’m researching how much money it would take to purchase the IP rights to the franchise so I can start my own Jukebox Musical Cinematic Universe (look out for It’s My Life, the angsty coming-of-age story of a New Jersey teen struggling to connect with his new stepfather, featuring the music of Bon Jovi, in 2021). More than anything, though, it’s got me wondering where it ranks among the best movie sequels of all time. Gotta be near the top. I knew I needed to parse it out. Now, before we get started, there are some important qualifiers we need to add. First, this is second movies, only. No part threes, no Episode Sevens, only direct sequels. This was mostly a way to keep myself from putting Fast 5-8 as the top sequels and also narrow the field a little. Second, this only counts movies I’ve seen. Now, I’ve seen a lot of movies, but, sadly, Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials didn’t make the cut for that reason. Third, while ranking individual pieces of any art form inherently defeats the purpose and robs them of their artistic value while also ignoring the different effects they have on each person, you should just assume that my word is law, here. Trust me, I know better than you. I thought about ranking every sequel ever made from 1-89,371, I decided to shorten it a little bit. Without further ado, the Official Top Ten Movie Sequels Ever Made:

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10. 2 Fast 2 Furious

I’ll be honest, 2 Fast 2 Furious isn’t that good, but it would be really off-brand if I didn’t include a Fast and Furious movie in my top 10. Think of this as a stand-in for the greatness that comes later in the series (yes, I realize how stupid it is to include a movie I don’t like all that much because of my own self-imposed, arbitrary rule. You don’t need to tell me).

Rating: 🚘🚘🚘🚘🚘

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9. Pokémon The Movie 2000

I’m probably too concerned with my personal #brand at the moment, but who cares? Even though I’m on record as a Pokémon show h8r, I’ve spent too many words on the Pokémon universe not to include this in the ranking. Probably couldn’t tell you what the plot of this movie is or why Ash and Pikachu are the only ones who can save the day, but Lugia is always money and the opening short was high quality. There’s so many terrible sequels out there, anyway, so what’s one more wasted darkhorse pick?

Rating: 🔴⚪️🔴⚪️🔴⚪️

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8. The Expendables 2

Just one of the most preposterous movie franchises ever made. In one of the greatest strokes of genius in Hollywood history, Sly Stallone decided to create a universe with every old action hero that’s still alive plus Jason Statham plus some random other guys and make himself the star. The plot isn’t that deep, but you know what? It’s pure. These are movies made for action movie junkies, and you can feel the genuine passion they put in. The Willis-Arnold airport scene will go down in history.

Rating: 💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣

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7. Godfather Part II

Listen, Godfather 2 is amazing. One of the greatest movies ever made. I prefer it to the first. But it just shows how deep the top part of this list is. Plus, the entire second act is a slog and my attention span isn’t good enough to make it through all the trial scenes and understand all of it.

Rating: 🛶🛶🛶🛶🛶🛶🛶🛶🛶

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6. Toy Story 2

If you ever really want to get in your feelings, watch a Toy Story movie after going through puberty. Essentially (I think) an ode to parenthood, the fact that a children’s movie franchise has its main characters constantly fear no longer being useful and being outgrown by the person they’ve dedicated their lives to is pretty heavy stuff. Also, I had a pretty sweet Zurg toy when I was a kid, so I’m pretty biased.

Rating: 🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠

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5. The Dark Knight

It just celebrated its anniversary, so I’m sure you’ve seen various takes floating around the internet in the last week or so. In recent years it’s become the In thing to try and pick this (and all the Nolan Batman movies) apart and point out the flaws and make it sound bad purely because everyone likes it and the Internet is a stupid place. Don’t listen to them. This movie rules. One of the best theater experiences I’ve ever had and spent a long time as My Favorite Movie. It’s not perfect, but unless you’re actively trying to not enjoy it to show everyone how cool you are, it’s a blast.

Rating: 🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇

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4. Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

I dare you, I dare you not to come out of this movie with a smile on your face. It’s impossible. So many dynamite songs, so many dynamite dances. If you actually go into Mamma Mia 2 concerned about the plot you’re missing the point entirely. The plot only exists to shepherd us from one musical number to the next, and each one is better than the last. Cher is a legend, Andy Garcia is a legend, everyone involved with this picture is a legend. (Mamma Mia 2 Song Power Ranking: 1. Fernando 2. Why Did it Have to Be Me? 3. Dancing Queen 4. I’ve Been Waiting For You 5. My Love, My Life)

Rating: 🤰🤰🤰🤰🤰🤰🤰🤰🤰

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3. The Empire Strikes Back

Decent movie. The best Star Wars movie IMO and probably the most culturally important, Episode V is nearly a perfect movie. Not much else to say about it, really.

Rating: ❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

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2. Lord of the Rings The Two Towers

I’m a LOTR stan. I can’t help it. It’s in my blood. I’m not who I am today without LOTR. Two Towers would be on this list no matter what because of that, but guess what? It’s one of the best movies ever made, and it’s not even the best in the series. The Uruk-hai “I’m starving” scene (the real ones can recite the entire thing from memory. Or maybe that’s just me) is one of the greatest ever committed to film. Helm’s Deep is the G.O.A.T. battle, and Treebeard is the G.O.A.T. tree. Only a truly iconic movie could prevent this from being the top second movie of all time.

Rating: 🗼🗼🗼🗼🗼🗼🗼🗼🗼🗼

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1. John Wick Chapter 2

There was never any doubt.

Rating: 🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯

So, to answer my question, no, Mamma Mia 2 is not the greatest sequel of all time. But number four ain’t half bad. Movie sequels are often bad and rarely original, but the good ones are pretty darn good. This may come as a shock to everyone, but there’s a lot of quality movies out there, so picking the top ten in any movie list is harder than it should be. What I’m saying is if I didn’t mention your favorite sequel don’t get #MadOnline about it. Get better taste. And try to tell me Mamma Mia 2 isn’t the most fun movie ever.

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Countdown to 2018

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Happy New Year’s Eve, everyone. Welcome to the second annual Countdown of Countdowns, where we go through a bunch of random power rankings to celebrate the changing of the calendar. Makes sense, right? If you’re old enough to remember, last year there were sixteen countdowns to commemorate 2016. Well, stay with me here, this year there’s going to be seventeen as we say goodbye to 2017. Before we begin, it would feel disingenuous if I didn’t mention that, despite how great the Countdown of Countdowns and random New Year’s Eve concerts are, New Year’s Eve stinks and I’m glad I’ve reached the point in my life where there’s starting to be less pressure to go out someplace way too crowded, spend way too much money, and have no fun. Anyway, now that you know I’m a New Year’s Scrooge, let’s dive right in to the CoC.

Top Five Movies from 2017 Based on Brian’s Den Scoring

  1. John Wick 2– A true cinematic masterpiece
  2. Dunkirk– Best war drama since Fern Gully
  3. Fast 8– I still can’t get over the Rock pushing a moving torpedo with his non-dominant hand
  4. Logan– That Wolverine/Professor X sex scene was wild
  5. Captain Underpants– Only sophisticated senses of humor will understand

Top Five Movies I Didn’t See but Will Say I Saw Come Awards Season to Sound Smarter

  1. Call Me By Your Name– Classic “look up the plot on Wikipedia so I can always act like I know the plot” kind of movie
  2. Darkest Hour– I’m a big Gary Oldman guy so I’ll probably get to it eventually
  3. Lady Bird– Literally have no interest whatsoever
  4. Mudbound– Sitting here wondering if it’s problematic or not that I haven’t heard of this
  5. Phantom Thread– Heard Daniel Day-Lewis plays a spool of thread. Impressive

Top Five Video Games I Played in 2017

  1. Persona 5– Played through this game two times in a row so that tells you how cool I am
  2. Pokemon Ultra Sun/Moon– Pokemon games are always top five. Sorry
  3. Nioh– Finally made me believe that, no matter where you are, a white guy can be the hero
  4. Horizon Zero Dawn– Bashes you over the head with its social message, but the gameplay and visuals are top notch
  5. Assassin’s Creed Origins– After playing this I was surprised to learn that Moses did, in fact, look just like Christian Bale

Top Five Songs of 2017

  1. “Despacito”- Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee, Justin Beiber
  2. “Despacito”- Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee, Justin Beiber
  3. “Despacito”- Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee, Justin Beiber
  4. “Despacito”- Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee, Justin Beiber
  5. “Despacito”- Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee, Justin Beiber

Top Five TV Shows I Watched in 2017

  1. Stranger Things– I’ve been #teamSteve since season 1
  2. Game of Thrones– Even a disappointing season is better than most things on TV
  3. Black Mirror– If you love introspection and hate technology, this is the show for you!
  4. Wallykazam!– Most complex depiction of a troll in recent memory
  5. Super Bowl 51- I didn’t really watch much TV this year so I’ll just throw this here

Top Five Athletes of 2017

  1. Tom Brady- Not much explanation necessary
  2. Kevin Durant- He’s got a whole army of fans on social media that will go to bat for him
  3. Pablo Sandoval- Was somehow the worst player in both leagues
  4. Quavo- The new Jim Thorpe?
  5. Maya Moore- She went to UConn, you know. As did I, if I haven’t mentioned

Top Five New Fast Food Items of 2017

  1. Taco Bell Potatorito
  2. Taco Bell Dollar Stacker
  3. Taco Bell Naked Chicken Chips
  4. Taco Bell Naked Egg Taco
  5. Burger King Farmhouse King

Top Five New Year’s Eve Concerts

  1. Kid Rock- Spirit Center, Kansas City, MO
  2. Migos- Red Rocks, CO
  3. Diarrhea Planet- Rough Trade NYC, Brooklyn
  4. Sting- Atlantis Paradise Island, Bahamas
  5. Celine Dion- Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas

Top Five Villains in Movie History

  1. Gothmog, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King– Best voice of all time
  2. Hopper, Bug’s Life– The Charles Manson of the bug world
  3. Palpatine, Star Wars– PPPPPPPOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ULTIMITED PPPPPOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
  4. Darth Vader, Star Wars– The OG
  5. The Night Slasher, Cobra– The greatest acting performance in history

Top Five Things I Love When Other People Do

  1. Shovel snow
  2. Wash dishes
  3. Fold laundry
  4. Taxes
  5. Pick something to watch on any streaming service

Top Five Fast Casual Tex-Mex Chains

  1. Chipotle- Sorry I’m not mentally weak enough to let a little food poisoning scare me away
  2. Moe’s- Best chips going
  3. Pancheros- Most underrated by far
  4. Qdoba- Can’t believe they got rid of their old cactus logo
  5. Del Taco- It’s no Taco Bell

Top Five Colors

  1. Fuschia- Violet or lavender could also substitute
  2. Sky Blue- Compliments my eye color nicely
  3. Turqoise- Just feels like a tropical breeze
  4. Burgundy- Maybe the classiest color along with mahogany
  5. Magenta- Sorry if you don’t like feeling warm and fuzzy inside

Top Five Fictional Animals to Have as a Pet (Before you say anything, Pokemon are partners, not pets)

  1. Pegasus- Riding a horse typically looks cool, but then the horse unfurls its wings and takes flight? Yes, please
  2. Direwolf- Only if you lived in isolation. Which is my dream
  3. Owl- This means Harry Potter owl. I know owls exist in real life
  4. Dragon- From any story. Pick any dragon in recorded history and I’m down with having it as a pet
  5. Jackalope- A good conversation starter

Top Five Condiments

  1. Maple Syrup- I’d have to turn in my “Vermont native” card if I went with anything else. Yes, I have drank maple syrup, and yes, it was amazing
  2. Chick-fil-a Sauce- Arguably the greatest innovation in fast food history
  3. Mustard- All mustard, but specifically deli mustard and spicy brown
  4. Sweet chili sauce- Underrated and pairs with any meat
  5. Ketchup- Can’t ignore it altogether, but if ketchup is your favorite you have plebeian taste

Top Five Gemstones

  1. Garnet- My birthstone, so you know it’s the best
  2. Red Diamond- Most expensive gem in the world
  3. Emerald- I’m a sucker for green
  4. Alexandrite- Love stuff that changes color
  5. Opal- Just looks cool

Top Five Kinds of Bread

  1. Semolina- If cookies weren’t a thing I’d say the Italians had this whole cooking thing figured out
  2. Sourdough- Regular sourdough, not (I repeat: NOT) vaginal yeast sourdough
  3. Wheat- Lets me pretend I’m eating healthy
  4. Cinnamon Raisin- Using cinnamon raisin bread for french toast >>>
  5. White- Old reliable

Top Five Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2018

  1. Avengers– Gonna be the greatest movie since the last greatest movie ever
  2. Taco Bell’s newest specialties- Who knows what they’ll come up with next?
  3. Getting one step closer to the end of the world- About time the planet hit the reset button
  4. Kingdom Hearts 3– Just kidding. It’s never coming out
  5. Another year of The Brian’s Den- 2018 is gonna be BIG. I can feel it