So yesterday when I was busy listening to Despactio for the 10 millionth time a startling piece of news hit my ears. It had somehow been twenty years since Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone was published in England. “That’s impossible,” I thought. “As everyone knows, I’m only 18 years old, but I still have distinct memories of all of the books coming out. This is very odd indeed.” But, it’s true. The Harry Potter franchise has been able to buy cigarettes and porn for two whole years now. Like pretty much every white kid around my age, I’m a huge HP guy. Sorcerer’s Stone was the last book my mom ever read to me out loud. I’ve read all the books about 1,000 times each. In fact, for at least five straight years it was a summer tradition of mine to read all of the books before school started again. But yeah, I had, like, friends and stuff too, though. Because of the countless think pieces that were floating around the internet yesterday to commemorate the occasion, I’m back in. I’m already halfway done with Sorcerer’s Stone. It’s all I can think about. It’s the only thing that matters to me (yes, I know Chris Paul got traded to the Rockets, but honestly, I just don’t care). Until I finish/get tired of it, I’m going to eat, sleep, and breathe Harry Potter. And, of course, I couldn’t let the chance to dish out some Potter takes go by the wayside. Unless I forget something, this is pretty much every thought I’ve ever had about the Potter-verse. God, I miss football.
What House Would I Be In?
The ultimate question. You can really learn all you need to know about someone by the way they answer. And, 9 times out of ten, you’ll learn that they’re trying too hard. Do you really think you’d be in Hufflepuff, or are you just saying that to be different? Oh, you got a Ravenclaw tattoo? Wait, is that your community college diploma hanging on your wall? Well, this is awkward. It isn’t that hard. Everyone knows human beings are only comprised of four basic traits: good, bad, smart, and other. Just figure out which one is strongest in you and there you go.
As for me? Well, it’s been established that the Sorting Hat takes your own personal preferences to heart. I won’t be the guy who goes up there thinking one specific house or bust. My only thought would be that I look horrible in yellow. Of every color in the entire world, yellow looks worst on me. I would just think that nonstop when the hat was on my head. I’m not winding up in Hufflepuff. I don’t care that everyone keeps trying to lift the stigma. I don’t care how many cool people come out and say they’d be in Hufflepuff. I don’t care if I was a Herbology/Care of Magical Creatures savant. I refuse to be in it. If my mom was Helga Hufflepuff herself I’d force my way out of it. As for the other three, I think I would probably be able to fit in to any of them. It’s long been established that I’m a boy genius, so Ravenclaw would be no issue. I’m brave enough to put unpopular takes on the internet, so I’m good in Gryffindor. I look good in green, so Slytherin is a nice answer. But at the end of the day, the strongest, most powerful character trait I have is the insatiable desire, nay, need, to be a relevant character, so that narrows it down to Gryffindor or Slytherin. And, since I had that thought in the first place, I’m probably in Slytherin. Looks like there’s a new bad boy on the block.
What’s My Patronus?
Another vital question. According to the Pottermore personality quiz (which also backed up my assertion that I’d be in Slytherin), my Patronus would be a Lynx. No offense to the noble mountain cat or it’s close relative the bobcat (nickname of my middle school sports teams), that’s not really what I was looking for. I don’t even know where to start. Is it supposed to be something that looks badass? Is it something deep inside you? Is it just your favorite animal? Dumbledore’s is a phoenix, are we allowed to just get nuts with it? I’m pretty sure Cho Chang is the only character in the books that has a non-mammal Patronus, so is there some speciesism going on? I think flamingos and seahorses make me the happiest, but neither is all that intimidating. Having a falcon would be sweet, but I like hanging on to my 28-3 leads (I’ll be here all week, folks). If I need a mammal, I’d probably go koala, elephant, or some kind of bear. I could get fancy and go dragon or something, but I think I’ll just stick with flamingo. At least it’ll be distinct, and, since I’m in Slytherin, I’ll be the bad boy with a sensitive side.
What Position Would I Play in Quidditch?
First off, would I play? Yeah, I’d play. I’d probably be captain, or, at the very least, a Draymond Green emotional leader. As established, I need glory. Since I’m too
fat swole to be a seeker, looks like I’ll be a chaser. I’m pretty confident I’d re-write the record books. Those Brits would have no way to handle my pure American athleticism.
What Would Be My Best Subject?
I think I’d be a pretty good student at Hogwarts. I was a good student in real life, and these subjects are just a little bit more interesting. I think I’d have a lot of natural talent in Care of Magical Creatures, History of Magic, and Potions (I’m a decent cook). I think I’d try the hardest at Transfiguration (so I could become an Animagus) (I would not turn into a flamingo, though), Charms, and Defense Against the Dark Arts. I don’t think I’d really give a shit about the other classes. My best subject would probably end up being Care of Magical Creatures. Animals have always liked me and I think that would end up being a pretty sweet thing to be good at.
A Bunch of Random Power Rankings
- Goblet of Fire
- Order of the Phoenix
- Sorcerer’s Stone
- Deathly Hallows
- Half-Blood Prince
Movie Rankings (The movies were so much worse than the books I don’t think I even need to go into it. Only movie positives: pretty much everything looked awesome and it introduced me to Emma Watson)
- Prisoner of Azkaban
- Sorcerer’s Stone
- Chamber of Secrets
- Goblet of Fire
- Order of the Phoenix
- Draco Malfoy
- Bertie Bott’s Every Flavo(u)r Beans because I’m not a coward
- Chocolate Frogs
- Cauldron Cakes
- Pumpkin Pasties
Best Wizard Jobs
- Pro Quidditch Player
- Harry Potter’s Friend
- First trip to Diagon Alley
- Quidditch World Cup
- Harry using the Resurrection Stone
- Snape’s redemption
- That chapter in Half-Blood Prince when Ron was good at stuff
- Fred’s Death
- Harry’s bizarre inability to steal one of the thousands of Hogwarts letters delivered to him
- The entire HBP movie
- Since it’s canon now, The Cursed Child
- Umbridge not dying (I actually love Umbridge in that WWE-heel sort of way, but she needed to die)
- Hogwarts (duh)
- Diagon Alley
- Pretty much anyone’s house
- Underwater in the Lake
- Ministry of Magic