I Think I Love Lavar Ball Now


Last night was a big TV night. The NFL crowned Tom Brady number 1 in their annual “Top 100 Players” list, a stupid, contrived device that exists solely to fuel the #debate. The NBA Awards show finally aired almost two weeks after the season ended, an NHL-level scheduling decision. I don’t even remember anything about the regular season anymore. I can barely recall who won the title. The Celtics won, right? Anyway, I’ve spent enough words on MVP, so I’ll just say I didn’t fully agree with every award, but I’m not going to get upset about them. Through all that, though, one five minute segment on Monday Night Raw is all anyone can talk about. Lavar Ball finally fulfilled his destiny and entered the squared circle. The results were predictably amazing.

I’ve been on record as being a Lavar h8tr, but I can’t deny my true feelings anymore: I love Lavar Ball. I think it happened sometime before the draft, maybe even earlier. I never wanted to admit it to myself, but once he gave his show-stopping draft interview

I knew I had fully shifted to #teamBigBaller. Now, I say I’m only #teamBigBaller because I don’t have the available resources to become a full fledged Big Baller. I, unfortunately, can’t afford a fresh pair of ZO2s. But those $50 t-shirts? They’re a siren on the rocks and I don’t know how long I can resist the call. I need a taste of the Big Baller life. Even if only for an instant, I need to see how the Baller side lives. I need a piece of that power. You put on some BBB gear and the world opens up to you. Your self-confidence goes through the roof. You can will anything into existence. I would have to imagine it’s how God feels.

Listen, I still don’t like his kids. Lonzo seems like a good dude but I’m not sold on his skills. I hate LaMelo. I feel bad for the middle one, but not really since he’s going to be rich either way. But the longer all this goes on, the clearer it’s becoming that Lavar is a legitimate genius. He knows exactly what he’s doing at all times. He knows how to keep his name in the news 24/7. He’s a master of marketing. Even if he hasn’t, he’s made it seem like he’s been manipulating everything from the start. He can spin absolutely anything into a positive for BBB. He has that Kardashian gene for self-promotion that I thought we’d never see again. He’s turned himself into the most cartoonish, most easily hatable heel of all time, which has only made him more popular and in vogue. His sons’ success almost doesn’t even matter anymore. If Lonzo turns out to be an All-Star, then Lavar can just keep on being Lavar. If he doesn’t? Well, he’ll still just keep on being Lavar. He needs to have a recurring role in WWE, especially if his sons don’t pan out. He was born to be hated. And that might be his greatest gift of all.

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