I Went to Saratoga this Weekend and am Starting to Set up My New Life with All the Money I Won

As the title says, yesterday I went to Saratoga Race Course to bet on some ponies. I usually go once a year, and despite this vast well of experience, my betting history typically oscillates between bad and blind luck. Still, it’s always a good time. Horse racing tracks are really odd places in that they’re one of the few places where the socially elite can readily intermingle with the common folk. The poors sit out in the picnic area and watch the races on the big screen, while the rich people sit up in the V.I.P. stands. And though there is a clear theoretical divide in place, anyone can still go pretty much anywhere at any time, so some random dude from Ballston Spa, New York could rub elbows with, say, the founder of the popular website http://www.briansden69.com. And I actually was planning on making a video about the experience. I was going to walk around the track, film myself betting and reacting, then I would sneak into the V.I.P. area and start asking for money because I lost all of mine. Sadly, security wasn’t happy with me. They wouldn’t even let me walk on the horse path, let alone weasel my way into the Forbidden Section. It’s like they didn’t know that my Brazilian Soccer post has over 200 views. So I had to scrap the video idea pretty early, and let’s say it wasn’t good karma.

Going into my final race of the day, I hadn’t won once. In fact, I didn’t win anything last year, either. And, come to think of it, I might not have won anything the year before. I was on a massive losing streak. Considering my storied pedigree of winning, it was a nasty black mark on my record. Knowing how desperately I needed a win, I mustered all of my courage and resolve and placed my remaining money ($10, to be specific) (yes, I am a high roller. I won’t apologize for it) on a little known horse named Black Tide. He finished betting at 8-1 odds, and, surprising all in attendance, he won. I willed myself back into the winners’ circle, and left the track shortly after collecting my bountiful pay day (if you’re wondering why I didn’t just withdraw more money, well, I’m not mentally weak, that’s why). I couldn’t help but think back to my first ever trip to Saratoga, when, in a nearly identical scenario, I won over $400 on a 36-1 longshot named Poseidon’s Warrior with the leftover scraps of money I had in my pocket. The symbolism of the names is not lost on me. I’m not a Horse Racing Guy, I don’t care about stats and what have you. All I look at are the names, and now it’s clear that I need to exclusively bet on horses with water-based names from here on out. No matter how big of a stretch, any horse whose name can somehow be tied back to water gets the official Brian’s Den Seal of Approval.

Now, the obvious question is what to do with the money? If you actually look at how much money I spent throughout the day, I don’t think I really gained anything. But that’s the lame way to think. I’ve $80 free dollars burning a hole in my pocket, and my mind is spinning. I’m thinking it’s probably enough to start a new life in the Caribbean. It might be a hard life, but it would be a new life all the same. I know I could become the richest man in Africa, which is tempting. To instantly be in control of the world’s biggest continent is nothing to shake a stick at. But I don’t know if I want to deal with all the baggage that would come along with it. You know, white people, and all that. And I’m lazy. So if I rule out moving, what else is there to do? I could open a Swiss Bank Account and deposit it for safe keeping. I could invest all of it, but I wouldn’t know where to turn. I’d probably just wind up buying as much Taco Bell stock as possible, and I don’t know how lucrative that would become. Maybe I could buy a square inch of land in like, Scotland or something and become Lord Brian. I’ll probably wind up just buying something stupid at the mall. Who’s to say? Either way, I’m riding high (get it?) and feeling good.