So You Got Hooked on Soccer and Need a Premier League Team…


Welcome, friends, to the 2018-19 English Premier League season. If you’re thinking last season just ended, it did– soccer offseasons last about three weeks, particularly in World Cup years. Oh, yeah, the World Cup happened this year, didn’t it? I bet you watched it, didn’t you? Yes, you, the one reading this right now. You got so hooked on futbol that you’re looking to latch on to a Premier League team, aren’t you? After all, not only is the Premier League the richest and deepest league in the world, it’s also the most easily consumable for American audiences. Thus, following the Premier League is fun. Waking up Saturdays and Sundays and having sports before the sports you already watched is a true joy. I’m glad you’re on board. No offense to all those other rinky-dink leagues like the Bundesliga or La Liga or Serie A or Ligue 1, but you’ll find no Messi or Ronaldo talk in this space. This is all about helping you, the neophyte, find your new club to support every time they take the pitch (learn the lingo, plz. That’s step one). This is an important decision in a person’s life, and one that shouldn’t be made willy-nilly. Watch a few games. Find out which players or playing styles you like or dislike. Look inside yourself and determine how much you care about other people’s opinions and how much you hate yourself (spoiler alert: I rank highly on both scales). And, most importantly, read this guide again and again. These are all the reasons you should root (or not root) for all twenty Premier League teams. Choose wisely.

180px-arsenal_fc-svgArsenal– 2017/18 finish: 6th

Why Pick Arsenal? Do you like theoretical greatness? Do you like teams that play aesthetically pleasing, attacking styles that always seem to fall apart at the worst times? Do you prefer your players small and injury prone? Do you like funny fan reaction videos? Then Arsenal is the team for you! Arsenal can be low-hanging fruit in recent years, but this is still a stacked roster and there’s only so bad they can be. There’s also no telling how good they can be if everyone has their heads on straight (far from a guarantee).

Best Player: Kind of a hard choice on this team but I’ll say Mesut Özil, who is mercurial as they come, or so the press would have you believe. He’s also one of the most talented playmakers in the world and can make passes few players can. Even with all the attacking talent on this team, Arsenal goes as he goes.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you wanted to pick a Big Six team but wanted to do it ironically. Also, you’ll be called a bandwagon jumper if you don’t have at least fifteen “Wenger out” tweets in your history.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? A lot. Arsenal is in the unenviable position of facing huge expectations every year despite a lack of recent results. Call it Cowboys Syndrome. It’s a no-win situation barring a league title, and, spoiler alert, they’re not winning the league this year.

How Good Will They Be? If everyone was just sick of erstwhile manager Arsène Wenger and his old school approach and will play harder and be more focused now, they’ve got the quality to land a Champions League spot. But what if Wenger was the only stabilizing force keeping the whole thing from falling completely apart?

170px-afc_bournemouth_28201329-svgBournemouth– 2017/18 finish: 12th

Why Pick Bournemouth? If cherry is your favorite flavor, have I got some news for you! Also always wind up playing a bunch of randomly exciting games and usually give the big boys a hard time.

Best Player: Don’t necessarily have one guy so let’s say Simon Francis since he’s the captain and their most important defender.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you picked the most random team you could find.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Not much. Bournemouth has settled nicely into a nice mid-table niche, free from any and all pressure. As long as you’re okay with not winning.

How Good Will They Be? Probably exactly the same as last year.

200px-brighton_26_hove_albion_logo-svgBrighton & Hove Albion– 2017/18 finish: 15th

Why Brighton? Because Lewis Dunk tied the record for most own goals in a season, which is a perfect metaphor for willingly choosing a team like Brighton.

Best Player: Lewis Dunk for the aforementioned record.

What Will Other People Think of You? That irony is a large part of your personality.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? As much as someone who supports the whimsically named Seagulls can.

How Good Will They Be? Not particularly.

180px-burnley_f-c-_logo-svg Burnley– 2017/18 finish: 7th

Why Pick Burnley? You know how every year there’s an NFL team that uses a weak schedule to build a falsely-impressive record, and then everyone picks them the next year as a dark-horse contender, only now they have a tougher schedule and the weight of expectations so they struggle? This is Burnley.

Best Player: James Tarkowski. Picking a defender as a team’s best player isn’t quite as abstract as saying an offensive lineman is an NFL team’s best player, but still, I dare you to tell me Tarkowski isn’t good. What do you know about good defending? You’re just a n00b. Probably think it’s called soccer, or something.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you’re preposterously self-conscious. You clearly wanted a winner but didn’t want the stigma of picking a Big Six team. It’s okay to admit you like watching the best teams, man. Just pick United.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Probably a lot. Jumping on board in the post-surprise season is always risky, especially now that they have to play Europa League games, too.

How Good Will They Be? Won’t get relegated or anything, but to expect another top-7 performance is lunacy.

200px-cardiff_city_crest-svgCardiff City– 2017/18 finish: 2nd (in Championship)

Why Pick Cardiff City? Why indeed.

Best Player: I could literally say any name here and you’d believe me. I could make up a name and you wouldn’t know. If I said Cardiff City’s best player was Junior Hoilett, you’d just accept it as fact.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you were literally born and raised in Cardiff.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Clearly not much if you can afford to invest so little in sports that you’re picking Cardiff City as your EPL team.

How Good Will They Be? Next year we’ll look back in surprise and ask “Cardiff City was in the Premier League?!?”

200px-chelsea_fc-svgChelsea– 2017/18 finish: 5th

Why Pick Chelsea? You love emotional roller coasters, you love seeing young players succeed on other teams after you give up on them, you like shady Russian businessmen, you think defense wins championships and stats are for losers, blue is your favorite color, you’re only happy when the players on your team are unhappy and in open rebellion against the coach.

Best Player: N’Golo Kanté. Imagine Lionel Messi, but instead of scoring goals he took the ball from the other team.

Other Best Player: 

What Will Other People Think of You? That you think you’re smarter than everyone because you picked the least aesthetically pleasing Big Six team, or that you think you’re smarter than everyone because you watched Napoli when they were flying high (their new manager comes from Napoli, where they scored at will), when in reality you just remember Didier Drogba was good in FIFA.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Even with all the drama, they’ve still won two of the last four titles, so clearly not that much.

How Good Will They Be? Legit don’t know where the scoring comes from if/when Eden Hazard leaves, so a spot in the Champions League might be in jeopardy this year.

Crystal Palace– 2017/18 finish: 11th

Why Pick Crystal Palace? Because you consider your favorite website! Join me in supporting Crystal Palace if you dare (just kidding, don’t. I like it better when I’m the only one that likes something). Why did I pick Palace? Because when I got back into soccer I needed a team, and I thought Crystal Palace was the coolest team name I’d ever heard. Since all my American teams were among the best teams in their respective leagues (and still are), I knew I couldn’t pick a Big Six team, lest I be accused of front-running, a deep fear of mine. As such, I committed to Crystal Palace. As an added bonus, they’re in London and have a good amount of money, so they won’t ever really be that bad!

Best Player: Wilfred Zaha. Walmart Neymar is the end-all, be-all for the Palace attack. If he gets hurt/regresses in any way, they’re gonna have some ugly, ugly games.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you’re smart, funny, handsome, strong, have good taste, is really fun to be around, have a ton of friends, have a ton of confidence, have a rich and fulfilling personal life, definitely aren’t kind of a loser who plays too many video games and feels like they’ve wasted large portions of their life, and that you kind of picked a team at random.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? A lot. Think of Crystal Palace as an NBA team that’s always the 7th seed. They should be better than the teams that are treading water and staying in the league, aren’t even in the same zip code as the Big Six, and have no real way to get better. But we have the GOAT studio host Rebecca Lowe, though.

How Good Will They Be? Anything above 9th is a great season, so expect a nice 12th place finish.

220px-everton_fc_logo-svgEverton– 2017/18 finish: 8th

Why Pick Everton? You’re addicted to rooting for teams who are on the verge of taking “the leap” every year but never really do.

Best Player: They’d better hope it’s new addition Richarlison because they spent a lotttttttt of money on him. They spent a lot of money, in general, actually.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you have a closet full of Landon Donovan and Tim Howard jerseys.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? You are a danger to yourself. Everton has disappointed on expectations roughly 1,000,000,000 seasons in a row and is usually depressing when they do it. Last season was particularly bleak, so much so that I was stunned they still finished 8th. Don’t bother learning the names of the managers, they tend not to last long. They’re also sponsored by Umbro, which is a bad sign.

How Good Will They Be? They’re likely to be the best non-Big Six team, and made a few legitimately interesting moves during the summer. A Europa League spot should be attainable, barring a typical Everton malaise.

150px-fulham_fc_28shield29-svgFulham-2017/18 finish: 3rd (in Championship)

Why Pick Fulham? You’re a big Jags fan, you remember Clint Dempsey (USA had a soccer team, once), you want to root in a team from a posh area, you like boring jerseys.

Best Player: Young winger Ryan Sessegnon. He’s the apple of many huge teams’ eye, but he’s still in West London (for now).

What Will Other People Think of You? That you’re either a Jags fan or remember Clint Dempsey.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Choosing a newly promoted team likely to stay up shows a healthy level of self-love, because it shows you’re easy to please and don’t care too much.

How Good Will They Be? Okay.

150px-huddersfield_town_a-f-c-_logo-svgHuddersfield Town– 2017/18 finish: 16th

Why Pick Huddersfield? I honestly don’t know why you would.

Best Player: Aaron Mooy, who answers the age old question, “what if Jonjo Shelvey wasn’t raised by meth dealers?” (soccer guys will get that)

What Will Other People Think of You? That you only brought up the fact that you like Huddersfield to trigger a “oh, I’m sorry,” response.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Willingly attaching yourself to a dead-team walking is an interesting strategy, to be sure. I guess you just want to feel any emotion at all, even if it’s the stinging loss of a relegation season.

How Will They Be? How do I put this? Umm, well son, Huddersfield isn’t dead, they just went to live in a farm upstate with the rest of his family.

220px-leicester_city_crest-svgLeicester City– 2017/18 finish: 9th

Why Pick Leicester? I’ll be honest, I couldn’t pick Leicester. I don’t have nearly enough self-confidence to constantly deal with accusations of frontrunning. It’s been three years, now, but the high of the most unexpected title in sports history is still there. It completely defines the team, as it should. Actual Leicester fans are good for life, now. Literally nothing can take away the fact that they, a random, non-Big Six team, won a title in a sport designed to keep the little guys down. Jumping on now just seems counter-intuitive. They also might not be very good this year.

Best Player: Jamie Vardy. Dominated in their title season and was quietly fourth in the league in goals last year, guy just knows how to score goals and start bar fights.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you still listen to “Took a Pill in Ibiza.”

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? I don’t know. Probably not that much if you’re so comfortable with your own ignorance that you don’t understand that they will never ever ever ever ever ever have a season like 15/16 again.

How Good Will They Be? They won’t get relegated, or anything, but they keep losing players, including Riyad Mahrez, their former best player. This season won’t be anything to write home about.

170px-liverpool_fc-svgLiverpool– 2017/18 finish: 4th

Why Pick Liverpool? They’d be the team I’d pick, were I not already committed to #PalaceLife. They’re exciting, have a distinct playing style (Jurgen Klopp is one of the Managers You Need to Know), have one of the best players in the world, have a fun song, and have a ton of history. They’re also owned by the same people that own the Red Sox, if that changes your opinion (I despite Tom Werner and John Henry with a passion, and always will no matter how many World Series the Sox win under them).

Best Player: Mo Salah, who just set the record for goals scored in a 38-game Premier League season. He’s good.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you like Big 12 football, that you’re trying to get on the train early, that you might be a hooligan in training, that you’re probably easily triggered online, that you like to say “27 ringzzz,” that you think Steven Gerrard was better than Xavi.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Not much, because Liverpool is probably the most entertaining team in the Premiership and could make a title run this season.

How Good Will They Be? Could suffer a post-hype decline, but in a world where Manchester City didn’t exist, they might be title favorites.

200px-manchester_city_fc_badge-svgManchester City– 2017/18 finish: 1st

Why Pick City? They just had the best season ever, so that could be a deciding factor. They’ve turned the art of goalscoring into a coldly efficient science that could, if viewed through a cynical lens, sap the joy out of the game.

Best Player: Kevin De Bruyne, who is rapidly rising the All-Time Ginger Athletes list. Another exceptional season could see him challenge Brian Scalabrine.

What Will Other People Think of You? Whoo, boy. Picking United is one thing. Picking City means you will get literally no respect from anyone. It might be the worst team you can pick from an intelligentsia point of view. They’re the definition of nouveau-riche, have no history (no good history, at least), and are the perfect bandwagon team. If you can’t prove you were there when they weren’t even in the top flight, don’t bother.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? I envy your self-confidence. A new money team coming off the best season in league history that spends more money than any non-Manchester team in Europe? Couldn’t be me picking them, that’s for sure.

How Good Will They Be? They’ll win the title.

220px-manchester_united_fc_crest-svgManchester United– 2017/18 finish: 2nd

Why Pick United? Alright, I know that even you know Manchester United. It’s the most popular team in the world, and for good reason. Just not lately. Because Jose Mourinho (another Manager You Need to Know) sucks the life out of teams then blames everyone else when things don’t go his way. But, hey, they still finished 2nd last year. Also probably the coolest roster top-to-bottom.

Best Player: Paul Pogba, who you surely remember from the World Cup. He was on France! And they won! He’s one of the most talented players in the world, and, when given literally any freedom at all, can totally dominate games. The only problem is Jose never gives him freedom and randomly benches him. Such is life.

What Will People Think of You? That you’re probably also a Yankees-Cowboys-Lakers fan.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? It’s not so much how much you hate yourself, it’s how much everyone else hates you. When you, Manchester United fan, complain about not winning a title in five years next to Huddersfield Town guy you look pretty bad.

How Good Will They Be? They’ll finish 2nd or 3rd.

200px-newcastle_united_logo-svgNewcastle United– 2017/18 finish: 10th

Why Pick Newcastle? If you love owners who inject themselves into every story, both because of their stubbornness in doing things Their Way and their general ineptitude, have I got a team for you! If you pick Newcastle, you’d better learn everything there is to know about Mike Ashley, because you are going to hate him.

Best Player: Jonjo Shelvey, who answers the age old question, “what if Aaron Mooy was raised by meth dealers?”

What Will Other People Think of You? Probably just that you like Newcastle beer.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? You are crying for help. No team is a bigger roller coaster than Newcastle, and Ashley will never let it not be so.

How Good Will They Be? Pretty decent, if I had to guess.

180px-fc_southampton-svgSouthampton– 2017/18 finish: 17th

Why Pick Southampton? Don’t. They had a great run earlier this decade by virtue of one of the best youth programs in England. That program has dried up and all the good players they produced are gone. They’re not long for this world.

Best Player: I guess James Ward-Prowse because he’s good at free kicks and free kicks are cool.

What Will Other People Think of You? Probably that you’re a weirdo for picking Southampton.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Very much. Only a glutton for punishment would take a team like this at this stage in their history.

How Good Will They Be? Bad. Very, very bad.

100px-tottenham_hotspur-svgTottenham Hotspur– 2017/18 finish: 3rd

Why Pick Tottenham? Tottenham is like the Falcons: high flying, fun to watch, capable of moments of utter brilliance, one of the best all-around teams in the league, and will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever win anything. It’s just not in their DNA. No Community Shields. No Carabao Cups. No FA Cups. Certainly no European titles. And, of course, no league titles. If you want that constant tease of being the best team not to win, be my guest.

Best Player: Harry Kane. The World Cup’s Golden Boot winner was pissed he was denied a third straight Premier League Golden Boot last season. He’ll come back with a vengeance.

What Will Other People Think of You? That you drink yourself to sleep every night.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? In a weird way, not really. Much like the Cubs and Red Sox, at a certain point not winning becomes your identity and you don’t want to win the title. After all, if you lost the losing, what’s left to live for?

How Good Will They Be? For much of the season they’ll be within striking distance of the top, only to lose one or two key games that cost them a Champions League spot.

185px-watford-svgWatford– 2017/18 finish: 14th

Why Pick Watford? You like Elton John, right? Of course you do. Everyone likes Elton John. “Rocket Man,” “Tiny Dancer,” “Daniel?” Can’t beat it. Elton John likes Watford, you know. Used to own them.

Best Player: Elton John. The famous songsmith had a good season in front of goal last season, racking up 15 goals. He’s looking to build on that and is reportedly in the best shape of his life.

What Will Other People Think of You? That Saturday Night is your favorite time of the week.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? You get so mad watching your team you’ve created an alter-ego named “The Bitch.”

How Good Will They Be? I fear the Sun will go down on Watford this season.

185px-west_ham_united_fc_logo-svgWest Ham United– 2017/18 finish: 13th

Why Pick West Ham? Tertiary Harry Potter character Dean Thomas is a West Ham fan, so there’s that. No, I didn’t look that up. It’s been in my brain for like, fifteen years. I retain information well, deal with it.

Best Player: Call me crazy, but I kind of like this roster, particularly newly acquired midfielder Felipe Anderson. They badly needed a new midfield presence this year, and he should provide a bit of a creative spark.

What Will People Think of You? That you have good taste in jersey colors.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Much like Manchester United, it’s more of how much people will hate you, only this time, it’s the West Ham fans themselves. They don’t like change very much and won’t readily accept a new member to their ranks.

How Good Will They Be? Going for that upper-mid table finish, boiii.

200px-wolverhampton_wanderers-svgWolverhampton Wanderers– 2017/18 finish: 1st (in Championship)

Why Pick Wolverhampton? If you’re Portuguese, they literally acquired every non-Ronaldo Portuguese player to ever play this offseason. They’re also in the nice position of being a newly promoted team that could actually be pretty good, which means more money, which means better players, which means more money, and on and on it goes until they max out at a 6th place finish.

Best Player: I don’t know if he’s their best player or not, but Adama Traoré is awesome. Watch this highlight video:

What Will Other People Think of You? That you live in Brooklyn Seattle and love wearing knit hats 24/7.

How Much Do You Hate Yourself? A lot, only because you care about seeming smart to other people so badly that you picked the up-and-coming hipster team.

How Good Will They Be? They do reek of “too much, too fast,” but they could be a good team. Competitive, at the very least. They won’t be relegated for a while.

There you have it. All twenty teams. Do you have a better idea of who you like, now? You better, because I certainly don’t feel like doing this much work again. For the first few weekends, don’t be afraid to experiment. Watch a bunch of games, figure out what you like. Inevitably come back to the Big Six because who in their right mind would pick anyone else? The only thing that matters is that you’re joining an exclusive club. A group of people who wake up early on weekends, pick up a few breakfast sandwiches, turn on the tube and watch some EPL all morning before watching football all afternoon. Maybe only I do that, but you’ll like it, I promise. The Premier League is the most popular sports league in the world for a reason, and I’m glad you’ll be there to find out why.


It is with a Heavy Heart that I Announce the New York Yankees have Passes Away


BOSTON- At approximately 12:50 this morning, the New York Yankees, baseball’s most historic team (owner of 27 ringzzz, if you hadn’t had the pleasure of interacting with a member of the Yankees’ faithful before), were murdered in cold blood by the Boston Red Sox in front of over 37,000 witnesses. The trial is expected to be swift and efficient, as there is little doubt over the perpetrator or method. The Red Sox used a blunt object (believed to be a baseball bat) to cave the fragile skulls of the Bronx Bombers and left them to bleed out on the field. A gruesome sight, to be sure. Many fans are despondent over the loss of their team and have begged God for another chance, but the Almighty has responded, saying “those overdramatic idiots already used up their prayers on a three-week Aaron Judge DL stint, they’re not getting shit.” The Yankees leave behind superstar Aaron Judge and Joba Chamberlain 2.0 Gary Sanchez, who were spared the massacre by virtue of being on the disabled list, an odd bit of mercy displayed by the assailant. Not all is lost, however. Though the Yankees on the whole demonstrated an alarming amount of cowardice over the course of the murder, one player, Shane Robinson, had a fine final hour. According to Brian, of tiny independent website, Shane Robinson is now his most hated Major League Baseball player and that he “hopes that ugly-ass bald gnome has a good time trying his little heart out while rotting in hell,” and that “I thought the Little League World Series didn’t start until the end of the month.”

For their part, the culprits can now be considered serial killers, as they have murdered numerous baseball teams before turning their sights to their oldest rivals. They appear to be an unstoppable beast with an insatiable lust for blood. With the best lineup in the league and one of the best pitching staffs, they will continue to pile up victims if left unchecked. Chris Sale, Mookie Betts, and J.D. Martinez have amassed horrifying body counts and deserve to spend the rest of their lives in prison.

When reached out to for comment, Yankee manager Aaron Boone was surprised to hear of his team’s death, and “didn’t think anything was going wrong.”

The Burning Questions Mailbag, pt. 3


Welcome back to the Burning Questions Mailbag. Everyone’s favorite recurring segment has returned with a vengeance, and this is the biggest one yet. The people didn’t disappoint and submitted more Burning Questions than ever before, and I’m more than happy to answer all some of them. Let’s dive right in.

Jerry S. asks: What’s the deal with math?

I’ll be honest, this was my question, not Jerry’s. This is what prompted me to revive the BQMB. What’s up with math? Why do all these complex equations and formulas exist? Every single one of them is an arbitrary human construct designed to solve a problem that humans created. It’s all fake. What real world application does calculus have? When’s the last time algebra helped anyone? What’s the point of any mathematical function outside of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division? Who decided what pi is and who decided it’s infinite? Sine and cosine are the fakest, most pointless things ever. Like who gives a shit what the area of an isosceles triangle is? Why do we still teach our children this crap? If you want to spend the rest of your life playing make believe with all the other mathematicians, you should have to declare yourself a math loser in like, fourth grade so everyone else doesn’t have to waste valuable education time on such a nonsensical and impractical discipline. Like the math problem from Good Will Hunting? Why does that even exist? Why are there unsolvable math problems if math itself is 100000000% man-made? Why did we create something we couldn’t solve? Just proves my point that advanced math is illegitimate and clearly something that should be kept in Neverland where it belongs.

pestooneverything asks: Why would Tory Lanez use a stage name when his real name is Daystar Peterson and what would your stage name be?

That’s a great question. As for the first part, you’d have to ask Tory Lanez himself. I tried contacting him, but he’s not returning my calls at the moment. It’s a long story. As for my stage name, I’m not quite sure. It’s have to be something catchy, and probably short. Maybe I’ll just be Brian. I don’t know, needs workshopping. One thing I know for certain, though, is that my nickname would be Mr. Mistoffelees. The nickname to the nickname is arguably more important, and I need to let people know what I’m all about. I think Mr. Mistoffelees gets the point across.

WhiteKong asks: What’s the worst city in America?

There are a lot, and I mean a LOT, of contenders for this. There’s my hometown of Rutland, Vermont. There’s good ol’ St. Louis. There’s my new home of New York City. There’s probably ten thousand terrible cities across this great country. But, in my mind, the big three of terrible American cities are Reno, Nevada, Detroit, Michigan, and Tampa, Florida. Detroit is obvious and kind of sad, but Reno and Tampa are living monuments to the most reviled sect of the American population: white trash. Nevada opened itself up to cities like Reno getting so bad by making the entire state a lawless commune. If you have the opportunity to trick people into thinking you’re just like Vegas, you’re gonna do it. It’s just when you don’t have any of the allure and panache you’re left with a hellhole of epic proportions. And Tampa is like if every stereotype you have of white people in Florida was a city.

ConfusedReader asks: Can someone focus on their career and have a family without compromising on either end?

Welcome to the Dear Abby portion of the program. Friend, I don’t know if you’ve ever read this website before, but I’m about as close to having a family or fulfilling career as I am to curing cancer, and I can assure you I’m not particularly close to curing cancer.

Out of goodwill, though, I must answer. I’d say yes, because people have been wondering this since the dawn of time and nothing about the way we structure professional lives has ever changed, so I’m guessing people figure it out? If you’re super dedicated to your work, a workaholic, or just plain old obsessed with your career, good luck finding someone that puts up with that longterm, but if you’ve got a regular 40-hour-a-week position, I don’t see why not. As long as you make it to little Jimmy’s baseball games so he doesn’t resent you for not being there, I think you can, at the very least, trick your family into thinking you care more about them than that nice promotion on the horizon.

movieman asks: I’m a little late, but I should totally get MoviePass, right?

Totally. Love MoviePass. It’s how I can afford to see all these movies and live in New York at the same time. Really, if you go like, ten times in a year it pays for itself. Wait, what’s that? MoviePass literally ran out of money and had to get a $5 million loan and is now raising prices and restricting access to blockbusters? Yiiiiiiikeessssss. R.I.P. MoviePass. It was a good run that seemed too good to be true every time I used it. Turns out it was. A free tip for every fledgling business owner out there: make sure you have a way to make money. Hard to stick around if you don’t.

Brian asks: Who was the first underwear manufacturer to account for erections?

Wonderful question, Brian. I’m not sure the answer to that, but I do know who has the most comfortable underwear. That’s right, it’s MeUndies! Right now, my readers can get 10% off their first purchase. Just go to and enter the promo code: Brian.

DesperateLover asks: What’s the most polite way to ask for nudes?

“Excuse me, can I please have some nudes?”

BlacktopLebron asks: What’s your current All-White NBA Team?

Don’t know if you mean American white or Euros included, but I’m gonna include Euros just because.


G- Luka Doncic

G- Evan Fornier

F- Gordan Hayward

F- Kevin Love

C- Kristaps Porzingis


F- Dirk Nowitzki

F- Doug McDermott

G- Kyle Korver

C- Marc Gasol

C- Pau Gasol

G- Matthew Dellavedova

G- JJ Redick

We’re scoring a lot of points, buttttttt defense might be a bit of an issue.

X asks: Now that Dad Hats are back, what will be the next cool hat?

Cycling hats. Trust me, these things are gonna be huge.

AngryPerson asks: Why did you love Mamma Mia 2 so much? I hated it and loved the first one.

Well, you have my condolences. Being born with no taste must have been very hard for you. Mamma Mia 2 is better because it takes the best part about the first one (the music) and puts it front and center. Mamma Mia tried to have a real storyline, when, in reality, this is quite possibly the most far-fetched franchise plot-wise in history. Mamma Mia 2 embraces the absurdity and just gives the audience banger after banger, while Mamma Mia was caught trying to be both Les Mis and Grease, which didn’t work. 2 knows what it is, 1 didn’t. Both are still fire movies, though.

GuythatworksforXboxandisalegitimateInsiderwhothinksIhaveactualanswers asks: What’s going to be the next big technology that changes gaming? Better AI? 8K? Cloud computing?

Just going off my gut instinct, here, but the next big shift in gaming technology is going to be physical gaming. Imagine this- you have a representation of the game’s world in front of you (let’s call it a board), and a piece (or two, or three, etc.) that acts as a stand-in for the avatar, and, using things like random number generators and games of chance, you move your piece across the game board, fulfilling objectives, collecting loot, and competing against other players. I just think that’s where games are going.

Joseph asks: What’s the most annoying fan base?

I feel like I’ve touched on this before, but the five most annoying fan bases are 5. Patriots (I concede we can be very annoying and easily #triggered at times, but when the entire world makes it their mission to #trigger you, I’m sorry if I have a short fuse) 4. Star Wars (they hardcore fans that complain about everything and make me like the movies less) 3. St. Louis Cardinals (like Yankee fans but midwest) 2. Kobe (Kobe is not a top ten player of all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time) and, of course, 1. Yankees. I’m admittedly biased. But that stupid candle-light vigil for Aaron Judge (who hasn’t even Earned his Pinstripes, IMO) is why the entire country hates every single one of those mongoloid losers. There isn’t a more self-serious and self-aggrandizing group of people on the planet. Please @ me so I can tell you how stupid and detestable you all are.

DP asks: Why are you so soft on Kevin Durant?

Because everyone is so hard on him, and it makes me feel smart to go against public opinion, especially when the basis of most people’s argument is the imaginary concept of “loyalty.” Yes, it completely shattered the competitive balance of the league, but, I don’t know. I just don’t care.

FootballJunkie asks: Who’s your top ten skill position (non-QB) in the NFL?

God, just seeing the word football has me fiending something fierce. This is summer is last in my seasonal power rankings- training camp is the longest period of time ever. I just want some regular season action. Feed me Bengals-Colts on Thursday night. Anyway, top ten skill guys, non-QB.

  1. Healthy Rob Gronkowsi
  2. Antonio Brown
  3. Odell Beckham, Jr.
  4. Julio Jones
  5. Le’veon Bell
  6. A.J. Green
  7. Todd Gurley
  8. DeAndre Hopkins
  9. Travis Kelce
  10. David Johnson

Mr. Thoughtful asks: What’s a good first anniversary gift to give my girlfriend? She likes adventures and traveling but I have no money 😦

Ahh, the age old question. How to keep my significant other appeased despite the fact that I don’t have the necessary funds to shower them in lavish gifts? A true dilemma, if I’ve ever heard one. A love of adventures and traveling, you say? Hmmm. I think I know just the thing! How about a trip to lovely Reno, Nevada! It’s all some of the glitz and glamor of Las Vegas at half the price! It’s an adventure because you won’t know if you’ll get sick from the used needles on the side of the road or the extreme second-hand smoke inhalation, and it’s traveling because I’m assuming you’re a real person and don’t live in Nevada. It’s a win-win! Or, you could make a bunch of artistic renderings of the two of you in all the places you’d like to go and hide them throughout the house. She might appreciate the effort.

BlacktopGriffey asks: Who’s your top ten current MLB players?

A lot of lists this time, but I’m always game to give definitive player rankings that no one can possibly dispute. I’ll do top ten position players and top ten pitchers.

Position Players

  1. Mike Trout
  2. Mookie Betts
  3. Jose Ramirez
  4. Nolan Arenado
  5. J.D. Martinez
  6. Francisco Lindor
  7. Manny Machado
  8. Jose Altuve
  9. Aaron Judge
  10. Joey Votto


  1. Chris Sale
  2. Max Scherzer
  3. Clayton Kershaw
  4. Jacob deGrom
  5. Justin Verlander
  6. Aaron Nola
  7. Gerrit Cole
  8. Corey Kluber
  9. Luis Severino
  10. Zack Greinke

Briansden69 asks: Remember when you went to the Denver Airport and became indoctrinated by the Illuminati? Whatever happe-

Well, I think that’ll about do it for this edition of the Burning Questions Mailbag. Always good to hear from readers and ease their troubled minds. I’ll keep my brain churning to come up with some more Burning Questions as long as you all do, too. Remember, if you have a question, I have the answer.


Brininho’s Den World Cup Thoughts: Final Edition


Can’t believe it’s already been a month since the World Cup kicked off. We’ve come a long way since Russia decimated Saudi Arabia on opening night, and I think we’re all better people for it. My beloved France (as I said in my All-Hair Team, I took French from 4th grade to my senior year of high school, so if anyone’s allowed to jump on the bandwagon, it’s me) lifted the famous old trophy as World Cup Champions Champions du Monde. Thrilling final for a thrilling World Cup, and it’s only gotten me more hyped up for the 2022 World Cup, which will inevitably boil down to a USA vs. Ireland final. But before we look too far ahead, let’s take one last look back at the World Cup that was.

  • I feel very vindicated as a longtime Paul Pogba stan. I realize I haven’t discussed a ton of footy on here (will try to get more up as the Premier League season approaches), but Pogba is one of my favorite players to watch. He’s so goddamn cool and smooth and talented, and managers simply cannot figure out how to use him right. Jose Mourinho tries to fit a singular talent into his no-frills, no-fun strategy, Didier Deschamps tells him he’ll be spending most of the game as a glorified David Luiz. Just put him out there and let him do whatever he wants. He’s someone who can completely dominate games if you let him, and I just hope someone does soon.

  • If I could be anywhere in the world at any point in history, I think I’d choose to be at whatever fast food joint Harry Maguire and Harry Kane went to after losing to Croatia. I’d partake as well, sure, but I’d just want to observe. I know for a fact they each spent at least $25, which is at least $60 in regular, non-fast food money.
  • People forget Harry Kane is a huge Pats fan, which means not only is he smarter than he looks, but I am proud to call him my Golden Boot winner. His one open play goal came on a bizarre deflection off his heel, a perfect representation of not only the Harry Kane experience as a whole, but this World Cup in general.
  • Congrats on the Golden Generation on achieving what no Golden Generation has done before- winning the World Cup third place game. I can’t imagine how good it feels to prove all the pundits right when they called Belgium the future of the sport.
  • Congrats on the other Golden Generation at this World Cup for achieving what no Golden Generation has done before- getting blown out in the final. People forget Croatia had a Golden Generation, too, and their’s actually has some mental toughness. Just ran out of gas against better competition.

  • Have to address it: the Putin umbrella picture-Listen, Putin’s a scumbag but if you don’t at least respect this then you’ve never been caught in a rainstorm. If you rule your country with an iron fist, you’d better have an umbrella guy if you want to be taken seriously on the world stage.
  • That being said, and not to get too political here, but I’m starting to doubt Putin’s toughness a little bit. You let Pussy Riot dunk on you in public again? Dude, just have them all killed, what are you doing? Unless you want to tell me Pussy Riot is actually run by the state to try and convince the world there’s some political resistance to Putin’s reign, I can’t think of a reason why they’re still alive. If you’re the president of Russia there are literally no laws. You can do whatever you want. Pussy Riot’s been making you look like an idiot for like six years now and they’re still alive? Couldn’t be my dictator, I’ll tell you that much.
  • Luka Modric wins Golden Ball as the best player, which I have no issue with, but Eden Hazard and Antoine Griezmann winning Silver and Bronze Ball, respectively, is incorrect. It should have been Modric Gold, N’Golo Kanté Silver, and either Paul Pogba or Kevin De Bruyne Bronze.
  • The haters will say Kanté had a bad final, and he did. But (putting on my snarky internet guy hat) if you actually watched France play you know he was their best player all tournament. They pretty much built their entire strategy around him and his unique skills. If Les Bleus was a sports car, he’s the engine and the driver.
  • Big tournament for dads everywhere, as defense claims their first major championship in many, many years.

  • Getting your silver medal in the pouring rain seems like the worst thing of all time.
  • R.I.P. to one of my favorite things to do- reminding all the n00bs that wonder how much Mbappé will be sold for that he’s already the second most expensive player of all time and PSG would be idiotic (i.e., forced by UEFA) to sell him now.
  • The Official Brininho’s Den Team of the Tournament- GK- Thibaut Courtois, Belgium, Defense- Thomas Meunier, Belgium, Raphael Varane, France, Domagoj Vida, Croatia, Benjamin Pavard, France, Midfield- Luka Modric, Croatia, N’Golo Kanté, France, Paul Pogba, France, Forwards- Kylian Mbappé, France, Harry Kane, England, Neymar, Jr., Brazil
  • Remember when Robbie Williams performed at the opening ceremony? So weird thinking back on that.
  • Best goal of the tournament:

  • I hope all the journalists who had been detained for suspicion of possibly complaining about the Russian conditions are released safely, but i wouldn’t count on it. Safer to just keep in the the gulag where they can’t squeal.
  • Once more, for old time’s sake

  • I didn’t think I would ever see a beatdown quite like the national anthem battle between France and Belgium, but I guess I underestimated the badness of Croatia’s national anthem. Listen to this:

  • Now listen to this:

  • Honestly amazed they even played the game after that bloodbath.
  • While it was nice being able to just enjoy what was easily the most entertaining World Cup since 2014 without having to worry about America’s shortcomings, I’m just itching to see the boys get back out there and start disappointing again. 2022’s gonna be amazing, particularly since they’re going to 48 teams. It’ll be impossible to miss it, now!

That’ll do it for the 2018 World Cup. It was a wild ride, and I won’t be forgetting it for a long, long time. For anyone who was neutral that got hooked on soccer, congratulations. For anyone who was a hater but is warming up to the beautiful game, we’ll be here waiting for you to see the light. And for those of you who might actually care about soccer for more than a month at a time now, welcome to the good side. Club seasons start in less than a month, with Champions League not far behind. Need a team? Fret not, fair reader, for I’ll have you covered in due time. For now, just enjoy the afterglow of a wonderful international tournament as you prepare for the club experience, where there’s more goals and better fútbol. It’s great, trust me. Go Crystal Palace.


2018 World Cup All-Hair Team


The World Cup 2018 Final is set. France vs. Croatia. No, I’m not crying out of sadness that the World Cup is ending. I’m crying out of joy that my beloved France is going to hoist the old trophy once again. I took four years of French in high school (got a 2 on the AP exam, what’s up?) and may or may not have some French ancestry, so I’m practically a native Frenchman. In fact, you could call me a Nice Guy. Get it? Because Nice is a city in France. I actually do love this France team, though, even though I’ve been fairly lukewarm on them until now. Watching Paul Pogba play for his international side reminds me of why I fell in love with him (and soccer after a lengthy period of being a dumb hater) in the first place: when unbound by the oppressive shackles of Jose Mourinho, he’s just really really cool and fun to watch (#analysis). Mbappé is obviously awesome and, in a just world, N’Golo Kanté would be named Player of the Tournament (I’ve decided that this is the soccer equivalent of saying J.J. Watt should have won MVP during his dominant seasons). Plus, the next time they don’t have great jerseys will be the first. And yet, despite all that, we live in a world where it isn’t really that crazy to think Croatia will win the World Cup. 2018 is wild, man.

But we’re not here to talk about boring things like on-field results and post-tournament awards. We’re here to talk about the real honor: the 2018 World Cup All-Hair Team. The eleven players who displayed the highest hair acumen and execution. Now, we’re unfortunately no longer in the era of experimentation. For the most part, there’s three styles you’ll see: buzz, undercut, and bun/ponytail. Gone are the days of Zidane and Ronaldo (original). As such, players who took risks are rewarded, here. The All-Hair Team isn’t just a magazine of cool styles you can show your barber. It’s a tribute to risk-takers and those confident enough to stand out. So, yes, quality is always rewarded. But if a player’s hair isn’t the first thing you notice about him, how can he really be part of the All-Hair Team? The answer is he can’t. So, without further ado, the All-Hair Team. We’re going with a 4-5-1 because that fits our players best.

Manager- Hervé Renard, Morocco

There’s a lot of personalities on this team. A lot of divas. A lot of guys who think their hair gives them free reign to do whatever they please. I need a manager who can bring everyone together. A manager who doesn’t take any guff and has the full respect of the locker room. A manager with hair that can go toe-to-toe with any of his players’. That can only be one man- Hervé Renard. One look at him tells you everything you need to know. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say he has the best manager hair of all time.

Goalkeeper- Kasper Schmeichel, Denmark (captain)


The captain of the All-Hair Team couldn’t rely on tricks and gimmicks for his look. He needed some of the best hair the world has ever seen. I was wondering if we would see someone like that at this year’s tournament, but, like a ray of light sent from above, Kasper Schmeichel’s glorious locks shone down upon us. A truly stunning head of hair. Fair, soft, perfectly coiffed. It somehow got better the sweatier he got, which, needless to say, is high degree of difficulty stuff. He was already a legend from Leicester City (and his father), but this hair performance is the kind of thing that leads to a big money transfer. I’m proud to call him my captain.

Defense- Domagoj Vida, Croatia


I’ll be honest, when you combine the hairline with the overall quality of hair, this is one of the worst looks of all time. But I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s been stuck in my mind since the group stage and only tightened its grip on my brain as they’ve advanced to the final. Isn’t that the true spirit of the All-Hair Team, in the end? To say this wasn’t one of the eleven most memorable haircut of the World Cup would be disingenuous. Plus, I’m not going to be the one who tells a guy named Domagoj he didn’t make the cut.

Defense- Román Torres, Panama

In an era where everyone is constantly changing their hair and no one has a signature style, this is a signature style. The Brian Grant of world football, Román Torres’s dreads add a different flavor to what can seem a very one-note group of ‘dos. Is he a powerful center back or a beach bum permanently on island time? Who knows? That hair isn’t giving any clues, that’s for sure.

Defense- Harry Maguire, England

They say pets resemble their owners, and I think the same can be said for hair. Just like the body it belongs to, this hair is thicc as hell, and is the perfect combination of goofy and suave. I’ll be honest, I love Harry Maguire (I don’t even want to know how much Taco Bell he crushed after losing to Croatia) and kind of just wanted an excuse to put him on this team. He brings a much-needed carefree attitude to this group of primadonnas, and will undoubtedly be the glue that holds the locker room together. Probably takes him ten seconds to get his hair ready, which will diversify the styling approaches on the team.

Defense- Toby Alderweireld, Belgium

As textbook “soccer haircut” as it gets. Short fade on the side, slicked back up top. About ten million of these to choose from, so the fact that Toby stood out (and I needed another defender) says a lot. Can teach the other players a lot about precision and what to tell your barber to get what you want. Also definitely uses some questionable hair products that he gets from “his guy” that may or may not be the result of illegal animal testing. He’ll hook you up if you want, though.

Winger- Willian, Brazil

Don’t care if it’s 1818, 1918, or 2018. Good afros always play. Willian has a good afro. Apologies to Axel Witsel, but only one afro per team.

Midfield- Valon Behrami, Switzerland

I respect anyone who clings to vestiges of the past, and my man Valon’s trying his hardest to keep the bleach blonde look alive. Unfortunately, I was still unable to make my own decisions when this craze was still widespread, otherwise I undoubtedly would have joined in. If I were but a few years older, I would be able to insert a picture of my younger self with platinum blonde hair for your enjoyment. Alas.

Midfield- Diego Laxalt, Uruguay

Speaking of keeping old fads alive. I don’t mean to insult the good people of Uruguay, but if their players are still rocking cornrows in 2018 I doubt they’ll see this post for another decade or so. They’re going to love Lost, I can feel it. I’m worried what will happen to Diego’s psyche when he finds out that Luis Suarez bit some people a few years back. Might kill Uruguayan team chemistry, but luckily there’s only man from Uruguay on this roster.

Midfield- Rúrik Gíslason, Iceland

You may know him as Iceland’s resident male model, I know him as a man with an all time head of hair. He was in strong contention for the captainship, but I need someone’s who’s actually good wearing the armband. I think he technically played, but Rúrik Gíslason didn’t make the All-Hair Team for his futbol prowess. Like Loki, he stole the goddess Sif’s golden locks, but instead of using her hair for nefarious gains, he decided to start wearing it himself. If Chris Hemsworth ever feels like stepping away from the moviestar life, I know someone who can take his place.

Winger- Neymar, Brazil


The ultimate chameleon, Neymar had new hair every game, each one of them money. Took a lot of heat for flopping and rolling around on the ground too much, but he should have been getting praise for his willingness to try new hairstyles. It takes a brave man to go with some of the looks he did, and that courageousness is what gets him a spot on the All-Hair Team. He brings flair and an inimitable style, and, barring a complete loss of hair, he’ll be headlining the 2022 All-Hair Team, as well.

Striker, Always and Forever- Olivier Giroud, France (co-captain)

The true G.O.A.T. Giroud has a permanent place on the All-Hair Team, the All-Style Team, the All-Beard Team, the All-Handsome Team, every possible team that isn’t related to scoring goals. He’s the only one on the roster who made it before his team played a game. He is, quite possibly, the most French person to ever live and I mean that as a positive. I don’t think he owns a winery but at the same time why wouldn’t he? He was born into a finely tailored silk swaddling cloth and was suckled on a bottle of cologne. He is the face of the All-Hair Team, and I couldn’t feel better about having him up top.

I would like to remind any potential haters who might disagree with this team that the All-Hair Team is chosen by a committee of some of the finest styling minds in the world. I am just their herald, revealing their divine choices to the uncultured masses. So don’t direct your qualms at me, maybe direct them inward and wonder why you have such bad taste. As for the water-boy on the All-Hair Team, well, I think yours truly has it locked up.

MLB Needs to Abolish the “Every Team Needs an All-Star” Rule

MLB: Tampa Bay Rays at New York Mets

The MLB All-Star rosters were announced over the weekend, and, naturally, people are mad online. Every All-Star roster announcement in any sport is always met with scorn and the opening day of #SnubSZN, and it’s usually pretty stupid considering, and this might blow your mind, there are a ton of great players and not all of them can make it. But baseball typically has the most snubs, and that’s because they’re still clinging to the archaic rule that every team, no matter how bad or how irrelevant, needs at least one representative in the Midsummer Classic. As such, more deserving players are left off the rosters far more frequently than in other sports, many of whom are merely being punished for having good teammates (wait, did bitter NBA fans make this rule in the early 1900s?). Frankly, I’m sick of it, and you should be too.

I can’t track down the origins of the rule (that’s called Journalism, folks), but, putting on my thinking cap for a second, I’m going to guess it was created in the early stages of the All Star game as a way to expose fans to different teams and players, try and fight the inherent regionalism that has always (and always will) existed in baseball, sell tickets, and generally grow the game. Well it’s 2018. We have the internet. If you care enough about baseball to actually watch the All-Star game, you already know the Tigers stink and are way too boring to have a representative. But there’s everyone’s favorite middle reliever Joe Jimenez taking up a roster spot. Awesome. Gotta get J.A. Happ and his 4.44 ERA on the squad, you never know when you might need someone to soak up innings in an exhibition game meant to show how exciting baseball can be. Jose Berrios at least has some name recognition as a former top prospect, but he’s still not that good. I only bring these guys up because they made the team over Blake Snell, the current AMERICAN LEAGUE LEADER IN ERA. Can’t let those diehard Twins fans feel left out! Not on MLB’s watch. I actually really have no issues with the National League team besides the fact that Jesus Aguilar should be on the team, but let’s just say the Pirates don’t need an All-Star, and they definitely don’t need an All-Star if I had to google him.

This is an easy fix. Construct the rosters the same way but without feeling the need to include every team. I guarantee it’ll make everyone except the random relief pitcher who gets a nice bonus happier. I mean MLB’s marketing department is completely incompetent so maybe they feel like they need this burst of fake controversy to stay relevant, but I promise that having players fans recognize and care about play in the All-Star game is more worthwhile than having people debate snubs for a bit. Not to mention it’s just a stupid and patronizing rule. Like do they just call up a middle reliever with a 3.58 ERA on the Pirates and say “Hey, buddy, I know your team’s not doing so hot, and we feel really really bad, so how about you come down to the All-Star game pizza party? It’ll be fun! Huh, what’s that? Exciting players from the Red Sox and Yankees? The National League co-leader in home runs? The absurd story that is Max Muncy? You think they’re more worthy? Don’t worry about them, little guy, if the fans really want them in they’ll nominate them in the final vote! Now why don’t you come down to the ballpark for some hot dogs and Gatorade?” Get out of my face with that crap. The best players should go. Period. I don’t care if the entire roster comes from three teams if they’re deserving. J.A. Happ isn’t a deserving All-Star. Joe Jimenez isn’t a deserving All-Star. Felipe Vazquez isn’t a deserving All-Star. I know it’s asking a lot, but maybe one day MLB will enter this millennium and do the right thing.

Cristiano Ronaldo to Join Juventus


Welcome to the Summer of GOATs changing teams. First LeBron, now Ronaldo (co-GOAT). If Celine Dion takes her act to the Venetian in the next couple months we’ll really be seeing something special.

This has been kind of a weird saga since, if you’ve been paying attention, this move to Juventus was first reported about a week ago, no one on either side came close to denying it, and the final fee (€100 million) was the exact number that was first reported. So why the delay? Who knows. Maybe to give him time to write his Player’s Tribune article open letter to the fans. Or to try and upstage as much of the World Cup as possible. Or, more likely, to iron out the contractual kinks. Whatever the case, a new species of goat in coming to Torino (if you opt to say the Americanized Turin I hate you. Torino is so much better to say. Literally every single Italian city name is better in Italian and for some reason we felt the need to make worse versions of them because most Americans are too stupid to pronounce things correctly).

So why did CR7 want out? I’m guessing he was just kind of burnt out at Madrid. It’s not like he needs to move to win, or anything. Real literally can’t stop winning trophies. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery. Sometimes you just need to go somewhere with laxer tax laws. I won’t lie and tell you I’m an expert on Serie A, but something tells me they’ll have no problem letting Ronaldo skate by without paying his taxes if he’s still Ronaldo.

As for what this means for Serie A and the world at large, I don’t imagine much changing. Juventus won the league last year (and pretty much does every year), and something tells me adding Ronaldo won’t hurt their chances at adding another title to their cabinet. They’ll probably be a really fun team to watch, but I’ll be honest, you’ve gotta be a real diehard to regularly watch Italian league soccer. I don’t even know what network it’s on, but I’m guessing every time Ronaldo and Gonzalo Higuain start up front together they’ll play this:

Champions League will be the best time to watch them, and that’s where this move will have the biggest impact, anyway. Juventus was always kind of a secondary contender, a team that was always deep in the tournament but never a serious threat to win, but now they have to be taken seriously. For me, there are now six teams who could legitimately win the 2018-19 Champions League: Juventus, Real Madrid, Barcelona, PSG, Bayern Munich, and Manchester City. It’ll probably just be Real again because, you’ll never believe this, they’re still super stacked and will probably just go out and buy Harry Kane or something. But the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to like Juventus’ chances. They could very well be the highest scoring team in Europe this season, and, even without Gigi Buffon, they still have one of the strongest defenses in the world. It’s a strong take, but I think the team with Cristiano Ronaldo has a chance to go really far in the Champions League.

The most fascinating part of this for me is the transfer fee of €100 million. I realize that every transfer market is different, Ronaldo is 33, and PSG felt like they had to extravagantly overpay, but it’s crazy to me that Neymar is viewed as twice as valuable as Ronaldo. Soccer is a young man’s game, but there’s been no drop-off from Ronaldo whatsoever to this point. In many ways he’s getting better, just like Tom Brady or LeBron. I think he’ll stave off a drastic decline through sheer force of will and remain, at the very least, a world class striker for another three or four years. Does anyone have any doubt who’s going to lead Serie A in goals this season? Hint: it’s going to be Ronaldo. All things considered, €100 million for Cristi might turn out to be a massive bargain. I love this for Juventus, and if I’m a Real Madrid fan I don’t think I could ever forgive the Spanish government. Some things are bigger than civic duty, and keeping GOATs happy is one of them.