We’re officially in the nitty-gritty of the 2018 World Cup. The cheese is getting a little more binding with each passing moment, and the mere contenders are being separated from the potential champions. You’ll never believe this, but Brazil is looking like the team to beat. When are we going to get the takes that Brazil ruined fútbol by having too many good players? Or is that strictly an NBA complaint? Probably just NBA. Anyway, one team has already secured its place in the semis, and the other three spots will be filled by the end of the day tomorrow. Only a few more games of Cup action left, so make sure to cherish them. World Cup 2022 might never even happen.
- I think it’s finally time I weigh in on the take that was sweeping the web during the group stage- if you legitimately think watching games on Telemundo is the superior viewing experience I hate you. It’s such a try-hard, “Look at me I just started watching soccer yesterday so I think it’s cool when people go crazy in other languages” move. It’d be like writing a series of blogs about the World Cup despite having inconsistent (at best) soccer coverage during the rest of the year. Saying Telemundo is better is the biggest soccer-noob move out there. Be better.
- Such a bummer we didn’t get the GOAT-off. Especially after Uruguay pooped themselves against France. If David Stern is really bored in retirement, I’ve got an idea for his next project.
- After much deliberation, I have decided that, if I ever pull the trigger, the one jersey I’ll buy from this World Cup will be the France white:
It’s just so clean, plus the red and blue heather-effect? And the rooster logo? I put that on and I’ll be looking like Oliver Giroud in no time.
- Japan with one of the worst losses of all time. Just brutal, but at the same time the most predictable outcome of all time. Tough to be the first team Belgium doesn’t fold against when they’re faced with the slightest hint of adversity. Japan is always a sentimental favorite of mine (I think I’ve spoken enough about the various Japanese things I love for that to be apparent), so that was a tough final 30 minutes to watch. I refuse to make the lazy seppuku joke, but you can if you want to.
- Speaking of Japan, they went semi-viral for leaving the locker room spotless after their loss. Everyone raced to pat them on the back for being classy and respectful, and while I’m sure that’s true, I think they were cleaning out of shock. Sometimes something so crazy happens to you that your brain shuts off and you just start acting out of instinct. I think this loss was so bad every Japanese player decided to clean the locker room because it would give them an escape from the harsh reality that they choked big time.
- When Xherdan Shaqiri can’t lead you to the quarterfinals against the surprise team of the tournament (R.I.P Xherdan Shaqiri hobbit jokes):
- England vs. Colombia was amazing because it literally felt like every single player was trying to get ejected. It’s rare to see that type of mutual hatred these days. My favorite part was when it was clear American referee Mark Geiger had no control of the game so a Colombian player would kick the shit out of an England player and act like he was on the Kings during the 2002 Western Conference Finals when he got called for a foul. Love a good ref feud.
- If Brazil vs. Belgium isn’t the greatest game of all time I might retire from the Internet (not really).
- If France vs. Brazil/Belgium isn’t the greatest game of all time I might retire from the Internet (not really).
- If Russia vs. Croatia isn’t the greatest- actually, yeah, never mind on that one.
- No one’s that surprised that Russia’s benefiting from some favorable whistles, right? Like what ref has the balls to call a penalty against Russia in Russia with five minutes left in extra time? I know I wouldn’t. Russia is also clearly doping/bribing/cheating in some way but I think I love it. Soccer needs a villain and Russia winning the World Cup would be high comedy.
- Over/under on Neymar rolls for the rest of the tournament has been set at 42.5.
- Talk about a rollercoaster ride for goalkeepers. For every Kasper Schmeichel miracle save there’s a David de Gea or Fernando Muslera brain fart. Don’t know why anyone would choose to be a goalie.
- Massive moment- the All Hair Team has officially named its captain:
Stunning. Majestic. Pure beauty. Kasper. - The Milkshake Duck effect has ruined World Cup superfans. No longer do we get to find a random person the cameras picked up in the group stage, learn all their quirks and charming devotion, and slowly fall in and out of love with them as we discover their terrible Soundcloud and old pictures of them at Nazi rallies. I want my broadcast producers to be less woke.
- Gabriel Jesus is allergic to scoring goals. He flat out refuses to do it. An interesting strategy for striker, to be sure.
- Where does Kevin De Bruyne rank among all-time ginger athletes? He has to be above Andy Dalton.
- Don’t get why anyone would choose to have a short goalkeeper. I get the quickness aspect, but I feel like height and length is such an inherent advantage at that position.
- Romelu Lukaku not being the best player in the Premier League makes absolutely no sense to be. Guy’s literally got everything.
- If you still dislike soccer after this World Cup (not saying a die hard fan, just able to say soccer can be fun), you’re just a blind h8r, and hate looks ugly on everyone.
Brian's Den 