Brininho’s Den World Cup Thoughts pt. 1

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Hello everyone and welcome into the Brininho’s Den, your home for all the World Cup coverage you need. Since I don’t have the time/motivation to recap every single game, every couple days I’ll give my thoughts on things. Be it who’s playing well, who should return to their life as a dentist, who has the best hair, and any other random stories that pop up. The anthems have been sung, so it’s time for kickoff.

  • NSFW:neymarIf I could ever get my hair like this, you’d better believe I’d never try another style.
  • It really bothers me that the anthem tracks FIFA uses are clearly faster than normal, causing the players and fans to sing behind tempo, making everything sound horrible. Until I actually looked them up, I thought every South American anthem was the worst song ever recorded for this specific reason.
  • All-time blunder: cause a stir with awesome new jerseys that get everyone hyped for your team and think of you as a possible dark horse, don’t wear said jerseys in your opening game and give one of the worst performances of the tournament so far.

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    Really good look, guys. Definitely better than the ones everyone preordered.
  • No, watching Panama get destroyed was not triggering. I wasn’t even mad, it was funny to me.
  • Have to hand it to Putin. He really rigged Group A well. I’ll be curious as to what’ll happen in the knockout stages. I’m sure some significant others will be abducted. If they wind up facing Spain, I sure hope he keeps his hands off Shakria.
  • Mexico is either going to go to the semi-finals or lose the next two games. Those are the only available outcomes after that kind of yuuuuuge win.
  • Absolutely hilarious story: South Korea swapped their players’ jersey numbers in practice because Westerners can’t “distinguish between Asians.” Amazing. Now, here in America we have total racial harmony and no one even sees color so this wouldn’t be a problem for us, but Sweden? If you don’t have blonde hair and blue eyes/ if you aren’t Zlatan they have absolutely no idea how to pick people apart. Kind of shocked this didn’t work, to be honest.
  • I know there’s a joke about how many bugs are flying around Russian stadiums but I’ll let someone else think of it.
  • As someone who plays entirely too much FIFA, I understand the frustrations that come with not being able to score (please keep your snide comments to yourself). Some games it’s just not going to happen. If it gets really bad I just quit or press reset. Don’t know why Germany didn’t try this.
  • As the only country remaining that I have any ancestral ties to, I officially pledge myself to England until I sense their heartbreaking demise. My uncle is from Australia butttttttt I don’t think they’ll be around too much longer.
  • Rough couple days for us Messi truthers. Ronaldo takes a giant shit on Spain then Messi comes up smaller than small against Iceland. Still plenty of time left but you can see it in his eyes that he wants to be literally anywhere else in the world.
  • Spain is officially back, though.
  • The Belgian Golden Generation has officially Arrived (by winning a war of attrition against the worst team in the field).
  • If he could go back in time, Nick Saban would recruit a young Romelu Lukaku to play outside linebacker. Don’t understand how he doesn’t score 40 goals a season.
  • When Xherdan Shaqiri says he’ll take the Ring to Mordor.resd
  • Paul Pogba’s game winning goal was changed to an Aziz Behich own goal after the match. Both Pogba and Behich should be allowed to beat up the scorekeepers with no repercussions.
  • Folks, I hate to break it to you, but some players are exaggerating injuries. I, too, am shocked.
  • VAR has obviously been a big talking point, but I’m still in favor of it even though it’s far from perfect. I’d rather have the right call made despite the endless debates about what is or isn’t subjective and reviewable.
  • Mo Salah, for the sake of everyone’s eyeballs, please come back ASAP.
  • Fully expect Arsenal to offer $80 million for Hirving Lozano.
  • Kind of bummed out about Brazil and Peru. Started out like houses on fire then just died out. If only Peru had a way to keep people awake and energized….
  • Speaking of Peru, the announcer for their game (Jorge Perez-Navarro) might be the most electrifying man on English-language TV. The constant yelling started out funny, then became annoying, then became funny again, then became awesome when there was finally a goal.
  • Once more, for the people in the back

That’s about all I got for now. Pretty solid first few days, and it’ll only get better. Open your heart to soccer, America. It’s worth it.

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2018 World Cup Preview

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Rejoice, people of Earth, for it is finally time to kick off the World Cup, AKA the couple weeks every four years you pretend to care about soccer. Well, unlike you posers, I care about soccer 24/7/365, so if you were waiting for me to give you all the information you need to know to sound smart while watching, you’re in luck. I’ve ran the numbers, done my simulations, and have determined with 100% certainty that this year’s champion will be named somewhere in this post. It’s up to you to find it. You may be wondering why I didn’t release this yesterday before the tournament actually kicked off, but, if you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m very lazy, and, I assure you, Russia vs. Saudi Arabia will have no lasting impact on this World Cup whatsoever. Anyway, on to the good stuff.

Oh, right. USA. We’re not in it. But, we improbably got awarded the 2026 World Cup (it tells you everything you need to know about FIFA and international sports governing bodies as a whole that a combined USA-Canada-Mexico bid-a bid that in centered around the fact that there are ALREADY SOCCER STADIUMS BUILT- is less likely to happen than Morocco, where they’d have to use slave labor very expendable day laborers to build multiple stadiums in a short period of time, only for those stadiums to be completely abandoned once the tournament is over. Got to love bribery), so who’s really winning? I’ll let you decide for yourself. Also, European giants Italy and the Netherlands also missed out, so even though our qualifying region is infinitely easier, at least we can point and laugh at countries where fútbol is all they have. Italy being out is a big win for anyone who hates the “well USA stinks so I’ll just root for my ancestors’ team” crowd (no, Ireland didn’t make it, either, why do you ask?), and it may even reduce the amount of roid-fueled violence at bars and watch parties without the possibility of an Azzurri loss.

Who’s Good

  • Germany- Everyone on their team was genetically engineered to be dominant at one specific aspect of the sport
  • Brazil- Haven’t been the same since leaving Hulk out of the team, but they’re still stacked as hell
  • France- Some serious 2004 Lakers potential here
  • I bet if you’re reading this I could tell you just about anyone and you’d believe me. I could say Tunisia is the team no one wants to play and you’d pocket that nugget and throw it out to your friends right before they lose 4-0 to Belgium
  • Tunisia- The team no one wants to play

Players to Watch

  • Lionel Messi, Argentina- The fact that Argentines hate him while our national soccer savior is Freddy Adu is sickening
  • Cristiano Ronaldo, Portugal- A young upstart looking to make his mark on the world
  • Mo Salah, Egypt- Is Egyptian Messi healthy? It’s what the people are asking
  • Robert Lewandowski, Poland- Poland could make some proverbial noise if he shows up. Only problem is he usually doesn’t for big tournaments
  • Paul Pogba, France- If he’s good every game France wins it all. Book it

Random Players You Can Sound Smart if You Know

  • Hakim Ziyech, Morroco
  • Sergej Milinković-Savić, Serbia

  • Timo Werner, Germany
  • Hirving Lozano, Mexico
  • Christian Cueva, Peru

Trendy Darkhorses

  • Peru
  • Nigeria
  • Morocco
  • Croatia
  • Colombia

Players Most Likely to be Sent to Siberia

  • Everyone on Russia
  • Everyone on Russia’s families
  • Everyone on Russia’s friends
  • Local officials from everyone on Russia’s hometowns
  • 1980 Soviet hockey team for good measure

Best Things About This World Cup

  • Early games- primetime games are so overrated
  • VAR- Replay hate has picked up steam lately (mostly because the NFL is inept), but count me among the radical thinkers who think human error shouldn’t decide major international tournaments
  • You can rest easy knowing the Russian government will use the revenue from this event for the good of their people
  • Impossible to get mad at USA for not beating superior teams if they don’t make it in the first place
  • Flaming hot anthem

Worst Things About This World Cup

  • Say what you will about ESPN, but their international soccer coverage is far superior to Fox’s. They always bring the heat with graphics and video packages. So, despite being helmed by living legend Rob Stone, I’m out on Fox soccer coverage
  • Impossible to get excited about a USA World Cup run if they aren’t there
  • It’s in Russia
  • International soccer is becoming more and more defensive and conservative as club teams assert greater control over players and training time
  • The same group of three commercials that plays on an endless loop

Best Jerseys

  • Nigeria

  • Croatia

  • Brazil

  • Belgium

  • Japan

  • Colombia

Best Snacks to Eat During World Cup 2018

  • I’m on a big Pringles kick lately, don’t know if it’ll last the entire World Cup
  • Borscht
  • Your daily ration of Siberian gruel
  • Caviar
  • Cheez-Its

Who Will Advance From Each Group

  • Group A- Uruguay, Russia
  • Group B- Spain, Morocco
  • Group C- France, Peru
  • Group D- Croatia, Argentina
  • Group E- Brazil, Serbia
  • Group F- Germany, Mexico
  • Group G- Belgium, England
  • Group H- Colombia, Poland

Most Likely to Win Golden Boot

  • Thomas Mueller, Germany
  • Timo Werner, Germany
  • Neymar, Jr., Brazil
  • Robert Lewandowski, Poland
  • (Wild Card) Olivier Giroud, France

Who’s Winning

  • The moment you’ve all been waiting for. The winner of the 2018 World Cup will be………

Brazil

Viva joga bonito

Pats Don’t Take Lamar Jackson

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Don’t know why I got my hopes up. Of course the Pats took a random guard at 23 and not the most dynamic college football player since Tim Tebow. Ravens will just take him at 25. Worst case scenario. Never convince yourself Bill Belichick will draft someone fun and splashy, it’ll save you a lot of disappointment.

2018 NFL Draft Preview

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Remember football? Remember the NFL? Remember the Super Bowl? I don’t. It happened so long ago I don’t even remember who the two teams were. Must have been a pretty boring game. Since it’s been roughly three years since the season ended, you know what that means- it’s time for the NFL Draft! Everyone’s (my) favorite way to spend 18 hours over the course of three days. While I’m afraid my typical wall to wall viewing experience will be interrupted this year (Avengers tomorrow night, bitchesssssss! Let’sss goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Also doing something special on Saturday), I’ll still watch the first round without distraction, which means it’s time to dive headfirst into this year’s draft class. So dust off your DVD of Draft Day and get settled in, it’s gonna be a long night.

Guys I Like

  • Baker Mayfield- I’d be so upset if he went to the Jets. Not because I’d be worried, but because I know they’d ruin him.
  • Lamar Jackson- He’s pretty much Hermes if Hermes was real and played football and was also being criminally undervalued.
  • Quenton Nelson- The most foolproof player in the draft, which means he’ll be a huge bust.
  • Bradley Chubb- Feels like the defensive version of Nelson. Can’t see him failing.
  • Derwin James- Before the year he was a consensus top-5 pick, and now he’s dropping because his team had a bad year? I’ll gladly take him on my team.
  • Roquon Smith- I have literally no data to back this up, but I feel like linebackers have a much higher success rate than most positions.
  • Denzel Ward- Can he match last year’s crazy rookie corner production? I think so.
  • Josh Rosen- The ultimate victim of too-much-predraft-analysis, I’m still on the Rosen train.
  • Vita Vea- I just like his hair.
  • Jaryd Jones-Smith- Did I just make him up or is he a real person? Tune in to find out.
  • Sony Michell- Could easily see him dipping his toes into the “so underrated he’s overrated” pool.
  • Brian Curran- Guy’s a winner, plain and simple.

Guys I Don’t Like

  • Josh Allen- How many times have we seen this movie before? And teams still fall for it. He’s going to S U C K.
  • Sam Darnold- Guy stinks.
  • Saquon Barkley- Purely from a value standpoint. He’s a physical freak, but so are Kareem Hunt and Alvin Kamara. And they went in the third round.
  • Marcus Davenport- When the last time a project d-end taken in the first round actually worked?
  • Calvin Ridley- I think he’s like, 35 years old.
  • Vontae Mack- His tweets are a little too distracting for my taste.
  • Kolton Miller- Such an aggressively white millennial name.
  • Natrell Jamerson- Another round of real or fake?
  • Isaiah Wynn- Just kind of picked a name.
  • Mason Rudolph- We really saying he’s good?

Guys I Want the Patriots to Draft

  • Lamar Jackson
  • Lamar Jackson
  • Lamar Jackson
  • Lamar Jackson
  • Lamar Jackson

Guys I Don’t Want the Patriots to Draft

  • Random offensive linemen who aren’t Lamar Jackson
  • Literally anyone not named Lamar Jackson

Things I’m Thinking About Eating Tonight

  • Pizza
  • McDonald’s
  • Wings
  • The chicken fajitas I was gonna cook last night but there was a mix up with the gas company and our gas was turned off so if they fix it I could just cook tonight but it’s Draft Day, so why bother?
  • Taco Bell
  • These drunken noodles from this Thai place that I’m kind of addicted to.
  • A ton of snacks

Best Things About the Movie Draft Day

  • Sonny Weaver trading three first round picks for the number one overall pick, despite the fact that he admits seconds later that he knows nothing about the presumed number one overall pick.
  • The fact that the supposed superstar coach is dead set on taking a running back in the top ten.
  • A Wisconsin QB is the top prospect.
  • The way the trainer let’s you know the Browns have a star receiver by telling the GM of the team that he’s a star wide receiver.
  • That literally no one on the team went to Bo Callahan’s birthday party.
  • The pregnancy and ashes subplots.
  • The fact that an undersized linebacker would go number one in 2014.
  • The fact that the Seahawks got worked over worse than anyone in history has ever been worked over.
  • That a running back, a linebacker, and a punt returner was what convinced Coach Penn to stay, despite the fact that they still had Brian Hoyer Drew at QB.
  • The fact that Ray Jenkins was excited to go to the Browns.

Teams That Will Definitely Have Good Drafts

  • Cardinals
  • Ravens
  • Panthers
  • Bengals
  • Cowboys
  • Lions
  • Texans
  • Jaguars
  • Chargers
  • Dolphins
  • Patriots
  • Giants
  • Raiders
  • Steelers
  • Seahawks
  • Titans

Teams That Will Definitely Have Bad Drafts

  • Falcons
  • Bills
  • Bears
  • Browns
  • Broncos
  • Packers
  • Colts
  • Chiefs
  • Rams
  • Vikings
  • Saints
  • Jets
  • Eagles
  • 49ers
  • Bucs
  • Redskins

Things to Do When It’s the Sixth Round and You Want to Stop Watching But You Can’t

  • Try and find the next Tom Brady.
  • Convince yourself that guard out of Howard is actually the steal of the draft.
  • See if you can match Mel Kiper’s no-bathroom-breaks record.
  • Think about finding more friends/hobbies.
  • Become fluent in Mike Mayock-isms.
  • Wonder where, if things just broke a little bit better for you, you would have been drafted.
  • Get way too hyped for a season in which your team won’t win anything.

Which Avengers Would Make It in the NFL?

  • Literally all of them.

Why Hasn’t There Been Another Pokemon Football Draft?

  • Because I forgot about it until right now and it’s too much work to get it done before the draft.
  • I should do round three, though. Third Gen is probably the most top end talent of any class.

On A Scale of 1-10, How Hyped Are You For the 2018 NFL Draft?

  • 12

Are Salacious Combine Questions Just a Way to Weed Out Snitches?

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source– Former LSU running back Derrius Guice said in an interview Wednesday that one NFL team asked about his sexuality and another inquired if his mother was a prostitute at the NFL Scouting Combine that concluded earlier this week. 

‘’It was pretty crazy,” Guice said in an interview on the SiriusXM NFL show Late Hits. “Some people are really trying to get in your head and test your reaction. … I go in one room, and a team will ask me do I like men, just to see my reaction. I go in another room, they’ll try to bring up one of my family members or something and tell me, ‘Hey, I heard your mom sells herself. How do you feel about that?’ “

So this is the big story in the NFL right now. Happens every year. Some prospect gets asked an outlandish, very inappropriate question by an anonymous scout. This time, it’s LSU running back Derrius Guice being asked if he’s gay and if his mom’s a prostitute. In years past, there was Dez being asked if his mom was a hooker, various people being asked when they lost their virginity, what type of underwear they prefer, whether they’d want to play for the Browns, and other intrusive, personal questions no one should have to answer in a job interview. These questions are so uncalled for, in fact, that it makes me think that the coaches and scouts have agreed to ask these questions as a way to find who’s more likely to run to the press whenever something goes wrong.

Think about it: do you want Dez Bryant or Derrius Guice on your team? I don’t. He’s got distraction written all over him. What happens in the locker room/combine interview room stays in the locker room, man. I guarantee whatever team drafts him is gonna have some “anonymous player” leak issues. If he runs to the media every time someone insinuates his mom is a prostitute, what’s gonna happen when he gets called out in a players’ only meeting? A piece in the Players’ Tribune? No thanks. I’ll take the guy who internalizes the weird questions and swallows his feelings like a real man. Think it’s a coincidence scouts didn’t ask Jason Witten if he thinks his mother is attractive?

Listen, the NFL is a brotherhood. We all know this. Everyone gone through this process: you work out in your underwear while older men eye you up and down, then you get asked weird questions to see if you’re mentally tough enough to keep your mouth shut. It’s not that hard. Guice is a talented player, but why should anyone draft someone so fragile? What do you think Mike Singletary would think about players who leak their combine questions?

Enough said. Respect the combine process, dammit.

What a Beautiful Day!

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So serene

What a day. What a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the crisp winter air is refreshing, and the snow is mostly melted and not a disgusting slushy hellscape. I’m feeling good and flying high. After all, I’m coming off a great weekend. Absolutely nothing went wrong! Everything went my way, right down to the fact that the huge amount of pizza I ordered to comfort my weeping soul celebrate was late. Can’t get much better.

Anyway, I think it’s time I find a new place to live. Preferably one in complete isolation where no one can bother me and no one knows what a strip sack is. Luckily, the cave market is really buyer friendly right now, so I’ve been going through some of the more appealing options. Here’s a few of the good ones:

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What’s the biggest credo among real estate agents? “Location, location, location.” Well, this quaint beachfront property is all about location. Look at that view! Talk about a relaxing escape. Perfect for forgetting about the failures of your football team. Also perfect to get washed away in a high tide. Unfortunately, I’m not that depressed, so being able to avoid drowning is a big plus for me. Plus, since it’s right on the beach, you never know who can just show up at your cave. Part of being a good hermit is the ability to avoid people at all costs. For these two reasons, I’m out.

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A cave in the middle of the desert, what’s not to like? No neighbors, no cold, no life in any direction. Well, except the rattlesnakes. And the scorpions. And whatever genies live deep within the bowels of this cavern. I don’t know much in this world, but I do know cursed deserts are real and very mysterious. You ever played Uncharted 3? Yeah, then you know. I’m not looking to get lost for all eternity or anger a dark spirit of the sands or have to fight the Scorpion King. No thanks.

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Another intriguing option, this ice cave is in the perfect neighborhood to avoid human contact. People hate the cold, so why would they come here? I’m from Vermont, so as much as I’ll complain about it, cold is in my blood. I thrive in cold. Plus, in every ice cave there’s a 50% of finding either Articuno or the Fortress of Solitude. You also have a 50% of falling into an icy crevasse never to be seen again. Plus, there’s not a lot of food or shelter in an ice cave. Probably can’t go to the store and get a couple boxes of Cheez-Its for the weekend if you live in the arctic. Icy tundras are also where the Elder Gods tend to rest, awaiting the planetary alignment that will signal their awakening after ten thousand years of slumber. I don’t want to risk being there when that happens. Think I’m gonna have to pass.

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Now we’re getting into the best of the best. This Precambrian era rock formation offers all the comfort of yesteryear with the amenities of today. Being on a mountainside offers natural protection from the elements and bothersome passersby, and offers scenic views of the surrounding area. Good chance there’s some friendly mountain troll neighbors, too. Unfortunately, being hard to get to means that it’ll be hard to get all my stuff there, too. I mean, I don’t really know how long I’ll be in this cave. Books can only last me so long. I need TV, PlayStation, Nintendo Switch, and an internet router. Might be tough to set up so high above sea level.

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We’ve almost got a winner. This cave in the middle of the rainforest offers breathtaking views, floral and faunal diversity, and friendly natives who keep everyone else away. Unfortunately for me, those same natives have probably booby-trapped the hell out of this cave. Sure I might find priceless treasures and powerful artifacts, but one wrong step and I’m skewered on a wooden spike or poisoned by a million darts. It’d be perfect if it weren’t for the fact that I have zero chance of getting out alive. I’m also not too keen on being shredded alive by a giant predator time forgot or a tribal god seeking human sacrifice.

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I think I’ve found the one! Just like the rainforest cave, this little number has great views and great animal neighbors. Unlike the rainforest, this regular forest is peaceful and uninhabited. The only possible drawback is the small chance that this is in a haunted forest. But I can deal with ghosts. I just won’t go out at night and listen to music or white noise or something while I sleep to drown out the cries and moans of the tortured phantoms that share my forest home. You might think that the dense growth of trees may effect wifi strength, which may be true, but I figure it would only be a matter of time until half the trees are cut down to put a cellphone tower near me. There’s really no downside. There’s probably also a highway pretty close by, so once I find out the Internet has moved on from making fun of the Patriots I can rejoin society. Can’t wait to move!