Folks, it’s Valentine’s Day. The lovely (get it?) holiday we all know and love (get it?). I’ve been watching a lot of nature shows lately after BBC Earth rolled out their MCU-style phase 3 lineup of new shows and I love (get i- alright, I’ll stop) animals. So I decided to combine them and figure out who the best animal valentine would be. I don’t know, it’s hard to always find good angles for holiday posts, alright? Just go with it. To help you choose which animal you’re going to curl up next to tonight, I’ve divided them into helpful categories.
Possum- Mother possums carry like, 20 babies on their backs at the same time. They’ll gladly add your worries and problems to their load. Possums will give you emotional support whenever you need it. Need to vent about work? Got some feelings you need to work through? Ready to be vulnerable after years of neglecting your emotions? Possums are there, ready to listen. Just don’t call them opossums, though, because that makes you sound like a toddler.
Seahorse- How refreshing is it when a man takes charge of his home? Pulls his weight with housework and seizes control domestically. It shows maturity and a desire to settle down for the long haul. Well, seahorses take this to the extreme. Not only will your man cook, clean, and pay the bills, he’ll literally carry your children. He’s the total package and he’s ready to pamper his queen and make sure she never has to lift a finger again.
Any Species of Penguin- Penguins always know what their loved ones need. Shelter from the cold, a loving embrace, a homecooked meal, if you’ve got a hankering for something, penguins will give it to you. They love long walks in the snow, playful dips into the ocean, and squid. Sound like something you can agree with? I thought so.
Wolf Eel- I’ll be honest, wolf eels aren’t brimming with confidence. They know how they look and they know what everyone thinks about them. But that’s what makes them great valentines. They’re so starved for attention that anyone who looks their way will be made to feel like royalty. Wolf eels will make you feel attractive and learn everything about you and always do whatever you want to do. They can be a bit clingy, but you won’t find a more loyal companion.
Peacock- They say money can’t buy love, but that won’t stop peacocks from trying. Peacocks will stop at nothing to give you the most extravagant, over-the-top Valentine’s Day experience. Rose petals? Check. Chocolate? Check. Candles? Check. An Instagram story that’s so long each segment is microscopic? Double check. Peacocks want to give you the best, but they want everyone to know they’re giving you the best.
Rat- Nothing says “I love you” like a romantic dinner, and rats are the masters. Subway pizza, garbage, and, of course, ratatouille are on the menu tonight if you make a rat your mate. Rats know how to set the mood and always know the perfect wine pairing. The lineup of food may be somewhat rigid, but that’s just because they respect you enough to only serve you the best. Tired of dates who can’t handle themselves in the kitchen? Rats are here to ease your culinary suffering.
Lioness- You know what no one likes? Indecisiveness. You know what everyone likes? A woman who can take care of themselves but also has a softer side. Lionesses combine the best of both worlds. They know what they want, and if they want you, buddy, you’d better be ready for a great Valentine’s Day. She’ll make you dinner (at her place, because she’s naturally got a perfect eye for interior decoration), wow you with her wide range of conversation topics, and already have the perfect movie picked out. That is if you even make it that far…
Any kind of Bear- Looking for someone to protect you from the world and wrap you in their big, strong arms? Look no further than the noble bear. Doesn’t matter what kind. They’re all good options. Want a man who will go to any lengths for you and treasure you above everything else? Polar bears can go years without seeing a potential mate. He’d be dying to cuddle up close and protect you from the cold. Want to feel safe and taken care of because it’s hard to always be the masculine, assertive go-getter that’s expected to do everything solo and never complain? How do you think the phrase mama bear came to be? Bears will be there for you when you need them most and are always hoping they can make you feel special and wanted.
Bonobo- Everyone knows bonobos have a great sense of style, but not everyone knows that they jerk off 24/7. Bonobos will greet you with their penis (or clitoris, since they’re abnormally large) and won’t stop until you escape or force them to leave. Things WILL get weird and they’ll probably get three or four of their friends involved at some point. Establishing a safe word is a must, but it might not be particularly reliable since bonobos lack the ability to fully understand human language.
Shoebill Stork- Ladies…fellas….just imagine what that beak can do.
Narwhal- Narwhals have been looking forward to this day all year because they know anything goes in the bedroom. Maybe you’ve been scared of the tusk. Maybe he’s been scared of the tusk. Either way, you’ve both been holding back. But it’s Valentine’s Day, now. Don’t worry. He’s a sensual lover.
Chameleon- What’s that? You don’t think someone who can change color to blend in with anything and has a ten-mile-long tongue would make a good lover? Alright. Remind me not to invite you to the next orgy.
Yes, I am a little ashamed of this. But not enough to stop me from pressing publish. Happy Valentine’s Day.