What’s Your Animal Valentine?

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Folks, it’s Valentine’s Day. The lovely (get it?) holiday we all know and love (get it?). I’ve been watching a lot of nature shows lately after BBC Earth rolled out their MCU-style phase 3 lineup of new shows and I love (get i- alright, I’ll stop) animals. So I decided to combine them and figure out who the best animal valentine would be. I don’t know, it’s hard to always find good angles for holiday posts, alright? Just go with it. To help you choose which animal you’re going to curl up next to tonight, I’ve divided them into helpful categories.

Thoughtful Division

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Possum- Mother possums carry like, 20 babies on their backs at the same time. They’ll gladly add your worries and problems to their load. Possums will give you emotional support whenever you need it. Need to vent about work? Got some feelings you need to work through? Ready to be vulnerable after years of neglecting your emotions? Possums are there, ready to listen. Just don’t call them opossums, though, because that makes you sound like a toddler.

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Seahorse- How refreshing is it when a man takes charge of his home? Pulls his weight with housework and seizes control domestically. It shows maturity and a desire to settle down for the long haul. Well, seahorses take this to the extreme. Not only will your man cook, clean, and pay the bills, he’ll literally carry your children. He’s the total package and he’s ready to pamper his queen and make sure she never has to lift a finger again.

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Any Species of Penguin- Penguins always know what their loved ones need. Shelter from the cold, a loving embrace, a homecooked meal, if you’ve got a hankering for something, penguins will give it to you. They love long walks in the snow, playful dips into the ocean, and squid. Sound like something you can agree with? I thought so.

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Wolf Eel- I’ll be honest, wolf eels aren’t brimming with confidence. They know how they look and they know what everyone thinks about them. But that’s what makes them great valentines. They’re so starved for attention that anyone who looks their way will be made to feel like royalty. Wolf eels will make you feel attractive and learn everything about you and always do whatever you want to do. They can be a bit clingy, but you won’t find a more loyal companion.

Romance Division

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Peacock- They say money can’t buy love, but that won’t stop peacocks from trying. Peacocks will stop at nothing to give you the most extravagant, over-the-top Valentine’s Day experience. Rose petals? Check. Chocolate? Check. Candles? Check. An Instagram story that’s so long each segment is microscopic? Double check. Peacocks want to give you the best, but they want everyone to know they’re giving you the best.

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Rat- Nothing says “I love you” like a romantic dinner, and rats are the masters. Subway pizza, garbage, and, of course, ratatouille are on the menu tonight if you make a rat your mate. Rats know how to set the mood and always know the perfect wine pairing. The lineup of food may be somewhat rigid, but that’s just because they respect you enough to only serve you the best. Tired of dates who can’t handle themselves in the kitchen? Rats are here to ease your culinary suffering.

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Lioness- You know what no one likes? Indecisiveness. You know what everyone likes? A woman who can take care of themselves but also has a softer side. Lionesses combine the best of both worlds. They know what they want, and if they want you, buddy, you’d better be ready for a great Valentine’s Day. She’ll make you dinner (at her place, because she’s naturally got a perfect eye for interior decoration), wow you with her wide range of conversation topics, and already have the perfect movie picked out. That is if you even make it that far…

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Any kind of Bear- Looking for someone to protect you from the world and wrap you in their big, strong arms? Look no further than the noble bear. Doesn’t matter what kind. They’re all good options. Want a man who will go to any lengths for you and treasure you above everything else? Polar bears can go years without seeing a potential mate. He’d be dying to cuddle up close and protect you from the cold. Want to feel safe and taken care of because it’s hard to always be the masculine, assertive go-getter that’s expected to do everything solo and never complain? How do you think the phrase mama bear came to be? Bears will be there for you when you need them most and are always hoping they can make you feel special and wanted.

Horny Division

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Bonobo- Everyone knows bonobos have a great sense of style, but not everyone knows that they jerk off 24/7. Bonobos will greet you with their penis (or clitoris, since they’re abnormally large) and won’t stop until you escape or force them to leave. Things WILL get weird and they’ll probably get three or four of their friends involved at some point. Establishing a safe word is a must, but it might not be particularly reliable since bonobos lack the ability to fully understand human language.

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Shoebill Stork- Ladies…fellas….just imagine what that beak can do.

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Narwhal- Narwhals have been looking forward to this day all year because they know anything goes in the bedroom. Maybe you’ve been scared of the tusk. Maybe he’s been scared of the tusk. Either way, you’ve both been holding back. But it’s Valentine’s Day, now. Don’t worry. He’s a sensual lover.

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Chameleon- What’s that? You don’t think someone who can change color to blend in with anything and has a ten-mile-long tongue would make a good lover? Alright. Remind me not to invite you to the next orgy.

Yes, I am a little ashamed of this. But not enough to stop me from pressing publish. Happy Valentine’s Day.

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My Valentine’s Day Plans

Note: I posted this last year, but since my love life is surprisingly in the exact same state it was last Valentine’s Day, I just figured I post it again. Nothing wrong with running back the hits, especially when they help me cope with crippling loneliness. Haha, just kidding. Could you imagine? I’m not so low where I’m buying myself roses yet, but I might soon because it’d be nice to have some roses every now and then. Anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day.

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Guys, I’ve found someone. After years of searching, I finally have someone I can call my own. A love so pure and profound I pity anyone who is unable to share in this feeling of bliss. And now, on Valentine’s Day, it’s time I go public: Chocolate Strawberry Oreos and I are getting serious.

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Arguably the best tasting cookie I’ve ever had. How it took them this long to make, I have no idea. Delicious doesn’t even begin to describe it. It was love at first sight, and we’ve had great chemistry from the moment we first met. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Unfortunately, these are limited time only, which means this love was made to burn fast and hot. Luckily, tonight is the perfect time to show Chocolate Strawberry Oreos my true feelings. So, what’s in store? Let’s run through the itinerary of our date night.

Paying Homage to Saint Valentine

hith-st-valentine-e

Chocolate Strawberry Oreos is a bit of a religious history nut, so we’re taking part in a reenactment of the legendary Saint’s life at the local Rotary Club. It’s an odd bit of performance art where everyone in the audience gets a randomly assigned part. Then, under cover of darkness, the person playing Valentine illegally weds couples, only to eventually get caught. So, I might end up married to someone else, face religious persecution and martyrdom, or I might wind up executing someone. Anything could happen.

A walk through a strawberry field

strawberry-fields

As is typical with someone nearing the end of their life, Chocolate Strawberry Oreos wants to reconnect with their heritage and see the land of their ancestors. No better way that by walking through a strawberry field. Unfortunately, we live in the Northeast, so it’ll be covered in snow. All that will remain will be ghosts of past harvests and the hope that the sleeping plants will one day regain their glory. Kind of a downer when you think about it, but it’s still better than visiting a synthetic strawberry flavor factory.

Dinner

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What Valentine’s Day is complete without a romantic dinner out at your favorite restaurant? Unfortunately, not many high end places will let you bring your own food in, so the options are limited. So, we’re going to go the place I went on the day we met: Taco Bell. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate than sharing some Nacho Fries together. Add in a nice bottle of wine and some nice candles and the mood will be perfect.

Going home to watch Valentine’s Day

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What Valentine’s Day would be complete without this 2010 classic? Almost unthinkable not to watch this once a year. Decent chance I’m the only one who’s ever seen it, but that doesn’t matter to me.

Dessert

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It’d be kind of messed up to make Chocolate Strawberry Oreos eat chocolate or fruit, so all that leaves really are Sweethearts. Not ideal, but we can make the most of it. Maybe blend them up and make some smoothies. Maybe melt them down for some Sweetheart fondue. Maybe I’ll skip this part because they’re gross. It’ll be a game time decision.

Seal the Deal

What happens next? Well, I’ll leave that to the imagination. Let’s just say it involves a glass of milk and me eating a million Oreos in one sitting. Hope everyone’s Valentine’s Day is as good as mine is about to be!

Happy One Year Anniversary to Me

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Wow. As of today, it’s officially been a full year since I started The Brian’s Den. I know, I know. Congratulations to me and all that. Hard to believe it’s been 365 days since, a day after George Michael’s death, I decided to start this website. There’s been a lot of ups and a couple downs, but hopefully it was never boring. The world takeover hasn’t quite happened yet, but I still appreciate everyone who comes here to waste a few minutes every day. You’re all part of the the most exclusive club in the world, so don’t be afraid to puff out your chest a little bit and act like you’re better than everyone. You read the most educational website in the world, after all.

Now, were I a true professional, I’d have something special planned for my one year anniversary. Unfortunately, I’m not, so I don’t. So instead of forcing some content to materialize that undoubtedly won’t be good, I figured I’d just run back some posts that I know are good. That’s right, it’s the Official Brian’s Den clip show!

The Videos

Coors Field Concession Review

Denver Airport Conspiracy

Hot Dog Eating Contest

Episode 1 of my short lived cooking show (RIP)

How I Saved New York City

Can’t go too long without mentioning my (sort of) signature series, Burning Questions

Burning Questions Hub

The Food Takes

Which Fast Food Place Has the Worst Dressed Customers?

Fast Food Sauces Stink

Halloween Candy Power Ranking

Crab > Lobster

Why I Hate Lunch

The Grocery Store Rules

Best Pizza Chain

The Best #sports Talk

What’s up with JJ Redick’s tattoos?

The NBA’s Hidden Crime Syndicate

This is probably problematic but I still think it’s funny

Is Aaron Judge a True Yankee?

Pats Won the Super Bowl if you hadn’t heard

Entertainment News

Best Action Movie Characters

Stop Calling Die Hard a Christmas Movie

The Greatest Video Ever Made

Is The Weeknd a Virgin?

The Next Oscar Winner

The comprehensive list of Yu-Gi-Oh! takes

The Special Occasions

Countdown to 2017

Valentine’s Day

Eclipse 2017

Thanksgiving

Christmas (including Hawaiian Christmas)

So, what’s your favorite post? Did it show up here? Or do I have so many good ones that I overlooked some? What was my worst one (trick question, of course)? Let me know what you liked and would like to see more of. It was a good year one, and hopefully year two will be a big one.

My Valentine’s Day Plans

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Guys, I’ve found someone. After years of searching, I finally have someone I can call my own. A love so pure and profound I pity anyone who is unable to share in this feeling of bliss. And now, on Valentine’s Day, it’s time I go public: Chocolate Strawberry Oreos and I are getting serious.

dscn4857

Arguably the best tasting cookie I’ve ever had. How it took them this long to make, I have no idea. Delicious doesn’t even begin to describe it. It was love at first sight, and we’ve had great chemistry from the moment we first met. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Unfortunately, these are limited time only, which means this love was made to burn fast and hot. Luckily, tonight is the perfect time to show Chocolate Strawberry Oreos my true feelings. So, what’s in store? Let’s run through the itinerary of our date night.

Paying Homage to Saint Valentine

hith-st-valentine-e

Chocolate Strawberry Oreos is a bit of a religious history nut, so we’re taking part in a reenactment of the legendary Saint’s life at the local Rotary Club. It’s an odd bit of performance art where everyone in the audience gets a randomly assigned part. Then, under cover of darkness, the person playing Valentine illegally weds couples, only to eventually get caught. So, I might end up married to someone else, face religious persecution and martyrdom, or I might wind up executing someone. Anything could happen.

A walk through a strawberry field

strawberry-fields

As is typical with someone nearing the end of their life, Chocolate Strawberry Oreos wants to reconnect with their heritage and see the land of their ancestors. No better way that by walking through a strawberry field. Unfortunately, we live in the Northeast, so it’ll be covered in snow. All that will remain will be ghosts of past harvests and the hope that the sleeping plants will one day regain their glory. Kind of a downer when you think about it, but it’s still better than visiting a synthetic strawberry flavor factory.

Dinner

candle_light_dinner_social

What Valentine’s Day is complete without a romantic dinner out at your favorite restaurant? Unfortunately, not many high end places will let you bring your own food in, so the options are limited. So, we’re going to go the place I went on the day we met: Taco Bell. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate than sharing a couple Naked Chicken Chalupas together. Add in a nice bottle of wine and some nice candles and the mood will be perfect.

Going home to watch Valentine’s Day

valentine-s-day-valentines-day-2010-10454062-1287-1084

What Valentine’s Day would be complete without this 2010 classic? Almost unthinkable not to watch this once a year. Decent chance I’m the only one who’s ever seen it, but that doesn’t matter to me.

Dessert

5352737795-38b3007201

It’d be kind of messed up to make Chocolate Strawberry Oreos eat chocolate or fruit, so all that leaves really are Sweethearts. Not ideal, but we can make the most of it. Maybe blend them up and make some smoothies. Maybe melt them down for some Sweetheart fondue. Maybe I’ll skip this part because they’re gross. It’ll be a game time decision.

Seal the Deal

What happens next? Well, I’ll leave that to the imagination. Let’s just say it involves a glass of milk and me eating a million Oreos in one sitting. Hope everyone’s Valentine’s Day is as good as mine is about to be!