It’s time for everyone’s favorite segment- non-athlete says he could be an Olympian if he wanted to! I know, I know, I usually hate it, too. Like, no, random guy on the couch, you couldn’t roll out of bed and be an Olympic archer (to complete the Olympic debate cycle, yes, LeBron could have been the best handball player ever if he wanted to. But he didn’t, so who cares?). I understand the temptation, though. I even fall into the trap sometimes myself. At least half of Olympic events are weird, obscure curiosities that people only turn to when they’re not good enough to play real sports anymore. I know for a fact I could post up whoever the ski jump champion is. I know if I had the stamina I could dominate biathalon because all those guys are so mentally weak. They miss their first shot and they completely fall apart. I’d win on composure alone. But then I realize that, of course, I would never do these events because they take decades of training and dedication to physical fitness that I just have no interest in. But you’re telling me I couldn’t show up to the U.S. Olympic training facility and start putting up good enough times to make the luge team in 2022?
All these sledding events have to take the least skill of any event. I don’t have the guts to go down headfirst, so skeleton’s out, and I’d just turn into the Isaiah Thomas of bobsled and blame everyone else when we lose, but luge has to be easy. It has to be. Like, how do you even become good at luge? I assume there’s a way to control the sled, but how long could that take to master? Oh, here’s a turn, better turn. Boom, just mastered luge strategy. And all these Olympic guys are skinny and fit, but have they ever heard of something called momentum? Get a fat guy on the sled and it’ll be tough to top that kind of speed once you get going. I figure it would take me five runs to become world class. Two to get used to the speed, two to learn the controls, and one to put it all together. It’d be that simple. All the luging purists will come out and talk about the subtle skills and various intricacies that make the best lugers, and I just know that’s not true. I just Googled how to be good at luge and the first result was a PDF that said the three things you need are flexibility, the ability to relax, and feel. As a follower of the TB12 method, I’m as pliable as they come. Relaxation is my number one skill. You could even say I relax too much. And feel is just a BS intangible they made up to make it sound like not everyone could be good at luge. I’ve gone sledding before, I think I’ve got the gist of luge. I almost want to drop everything and find a luge track right now just to prove I could do it. If I luged every day for the next four years I might be the greatest of all time. Literally the only thing standing in between me and Olympic glory is getting up the motivation to actually do it. Which is usually enough to keep it out of my reach.
Welcome to Olympics SZN, folks. I, for one, am itching to watch the first huge sporting event of 2018. I still can’t believe they cancelled this year’s Super Bowl. Crazy. Truth be told, my hype level is pretty meh for these Olympics. I’m pumped to spend all day watching cross-country skiing and learning cool facts about Good Korea, but I just find myself caring less than I usually do. Maybe it has something to do with the NHL not letting their players participate (if you ever need a great business model, all you have to do is look up every single major decision the NHL has ever made and do the exact opposite). Maybe it’s because there’s no Russia. The Olympics need a villain to really work. What, I’m supposed to get pumped up when an American beats someone from North Korea who probably hasn’t eaten in four days? Doesn’t get the blood flowing as much. And I realize that we’re the villain for the rest of the world, but the American perspective is really the only thing that matters. I wouldn’t be opposed to Russia being let back in just this one time.
A lot of people hate on the Winter Olympics, but that just shows how uncultured they are. As previously established, snow is my natural habitat, so any time winter activities get their shine I’m in. Plus, the Winter Olympics is the ultimate collection of events that are really cool for about ten minutes until you’ve had enough and big time, world-stopping events like figure skating and mogul skiing. Asian countries are also great at hosting world-wide events, so there’s always the chance we won’t have to hear about how many slave laborers died trying to build the venues on time. It should be a great time. Now, with so many events and so many storylines, things can get a little overwhelming if you don’t know what you’re looking for. Luckily enough, I’ve scoped out all the details you need to stay up-to-date with all the tape-delayed action. So, without further ado, the Official Brian’s Den Winter Olympics Preview 2018:
Wait, press play first
- Cross-country skiing– Many people will say watching cross-country skiing on TV sucks. Fake news. CCS is arguably the greatest and most perfect Olympic sport to watch on television. It’s the ultimate background noise if you’re attempting to be productive while also watching TV (who would ever do that? Yikes) and is so boring that it’s impossible to look away. Try not to get emotionally invested in a CCS race after watching more than five minutes, it’s impossible. And there’s always some Norwegian guy in the middle of a huge dynasty, too.
- Biathlon– Take everything I just said then add guns.
- Short-track speed skating– Always felt like this would be the coolest to do if you didn’t want to be a skier/snowboarder bro.
- Ice dancing– It’s just figure skating, but without the fun or personality!
- Curling– Curling has somehow become the cliché event to ironically say you like (if you ever have the chance to never use the Internet again, take it and never look back), but I actually do enjoy watching people throw some stones.
Olympians to Watch
- Chloe Kim– When I first heard about this snowboarding prodigy like, last week, I tried really hard not to Google her because I was afraid of what I would see, but I wasn’t strong enough and my fears were confirmed. She was born in 2000 and I feel like such a lazy piece of shit.
- Iceman– He can control ice which would seem like pretty unfair advantage in the Winter Olympics but when has the IOC not been on the straight and narrow?
- Nathan Chen– His hair may be his greatest weapon in the male figure skating competition.
- Johannes Høsflot Klæbo– He’s a Norwegian cross-country skier who also has a vlogging channel on YouTube, so you know he’s someone who you’d really want to hang out with all the time.
- Iceman– The shock addition of stunt plane piloting to this year’s Games opens up the door for him to win gold.
Fun South Korea Facts
- The hugely popular music genre known as Korean pop, or “K-Pop” as the kids say, actually originated in South Korea.
- Haesindang Park in Sinnam is known as Penis Park because it has a bunch of penis statues.
- Korean babies are considered one year old at birth.
- They have the fastest Internet in the world but everyone is really stingy with their WiFi password so I can’t use it.
- Koreans treat their e-Sports “athletes” like rock stars and shower them with fortune and fame, but I’m a nerd loser because I like to play PS4. Very unfair!
Best Korean Food
- Kimchi– Legend has it Koreans serve kimchi with every meal, which means the salty, fermented veggies must go great with ice cream!
- Bulgogi– Korean BBQ is *insert chef kissing fingers gif*
- Bibimbap– Can’t say I’ve ever had it but it’s a funny name.
- McDonald’s– Korean McDonald’s have delivered for years and we’re just starting to do it. Tells you all you need to know about the sad state of affairs in the USA.
- Jjajangmyeon– Could have sworn jjajangmyeon was Italian.
Best Korean Companies
- Samsung– Pretty sure if you’re caught using a non-Samsung electronic device you get sent to North Korea.
- Hyundai– Hyundai is actually an official sponsor of the NFL, so it’s their fault the Super Bowl was cancelled this year.
- LG– I bought an LG TV my sophomore year of college and it still works now so, yeah.
- SK Group– This sounds like a fake company made up to spoof real corporations.
- Kia– R.I.P. Blake Griffin Kia commercials.
Best Winter Activities
- Staying inside all day– Really the only one you need.
- Skiing– I wonder if skiing is the whitest activity ever invented. Still fun, though.
- Eating a ton of comfort food since you have to wear a heavy jacket whenever you go outside, so who can really tell?– Is this just me?
- Getting someone else to shovel snow– This might be my primary motivation for wanting a son at some point.
- Complaining about how poorly everyone else drives in the snow– God, it’s like these people forget they live in New England or something! How are they not used to this?
- Luge– Luge is cool until you find out skeleton exists and then all of the danger and intrigue goes away.
- Hockey– Again, why did the NHL pull NHL players? Do they dislike exposure and money?
- Figure Skating– I think we all have a moral obligation to boycott figure skating with the Tonya Harding incident so fresh in our minds.
- Freestyle Skiing– Just pick up a board, brah.
- Anything USA doesn’t win– It’s not even a real sport, anyway. If he wanted to LeBron could be the best in the world in like, three weeks.
Best thing about huge International events that take place on the other side of the world so they’re put on tape-delay even though it’s 2018 and everyone knows the results the second they happen anyway so what’s the point of even watching?
I think that’s all you need to know about this year’s Olympics. Make sure you don’t get Pyeongchang mixed up with Pyongyang- I’ve heard they don’t appreciate it when you do. Gonna be some great Mike Tirico behind-the-desk action in primetime, and I can’t wait for the awkward “Cris Collinsworth sent to the streets of South Korea for some reason” pieces that will surely captivate the audience. But, it’s impossible to deny the sheer spectacle of the Olympics and the drama they
manufacture create through organic competition. Now someone get me a cross-country skiing feed!