GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, HE’S BROKEN IN HALF!!! Just like no Yankee is a True Yankee until they win at least five championships, no summer is a True Summer until it’s officially Pool Season, and no Pool Season is a True Pool Season until you start practicing wrestling finishers on small children into the pool. Ipso facto, Pool Wrestling is the ultimate, official, no doubt about it start to summer. So, thank you, Randy. Even though I’m a noted #teamautumn guy, I appreciate someone taking the reigns and dragging the rest of the world into summer. There’s not many things worse than late May/ early June when everyone is sitting around debating whether or not summer has officially begun or not (yes, I know summer technically doesn’t start until June 21st). If you’re debating it at all, the answer is yes. Well, thanks to this short Instagram video, the debate is over before it started. RIP Randy Orton’s kid.
Now, it should come as no surprise that I am a HUGE pool wrestling guy. When I was growing up me and my friend founded the PWF, and independent wrestling circuit based entirely out of his grandma’s pool. I was the longest reigning Intercontinental Champion in history, nbd. So I’m more than qualified to talk about the aquatic squared circle, more specifically the best moves to do. Some moves (like the stunner, unfortunately) can only realistically be done when both participants are in the water. That’s all well and good, and it makes for great fun. But the truly devastating moves require at least one person to be out of the water. Here’s the power ranking of pool wrestling moves, straight from the master.
Top Five Pool Wrestling Moves
- Spear– Unquestioned GOAT. So simple, so pure, so devastating. Nothing beats a good old fashioned spear into the water. Doesn’t matter if the spear-ee knows it’s coming or not. Try spearing a little kid into the pool like Goldberg and not feeling like a god afterwards. Only downside is that it can quickly force everyone to stay in the pool for eternity, since they don’t want to be the next victim.
- RKO– As Randy demonstrated above, it can work well with the RKO-er already in the pool, but it takes some immaculate timing. More traditionally done with both parties outside the pool, but, unlike in real life, the recipient better know it’s coming, or you may be responsible for some pretty hefty medical bills. As such, to get the true, out-of-nowhere RKO effect, wait to break it out until it has been well established who is and is not participating in your battle royale. If your pool parties looked anything like mine did, odds are everyone will be very eager to get involved.
- Frog Splash/Moonsault/Leg Drop/Etc.– Not for the faint of heart or inexperienced. Any kind of jumping-into-the-pool-onto-someone move can quickly go south, but they can also yield great results. If you feel like living with the consequences, frog splash someone lounging on an inflatable raft for some quick laughs. Combine with alcohol at your own risk.
- Powerbomb/F5– Another category not meant for novices. You’ll need some strength (or a serious weight differential) to pull these off, but they probably make the most satisfying splash. If you give someone a good, clean Batista Bomb into a pool you are their new father (or mother. This is an equal opportunity website, after all). I’m pretty sure it’s legally binding, so only do it if your finances are in order and if you feel like claiming a dependent on your next tax return.
- Chokeslam– Similar to a powerbomb, but a little safer. Like the spear, anyone can pull off a good chokeslam if the slam-ee is willing. Definitely has to be discussed beforehand, since just randomly grabbing someone’s neck usually ends poorly. When done against a small child, you can get some Kane-like vertical and feel like the new Big Man on Campus.
I know it’s only May 19th and I’m digging myself an early grave here, but it’s just too hot. My phone says it’s 89° right now. 89°! Sweltering!! That’s too hot for May. It’s impossible to escape. As someone without central air in my house, I’m forced to decide between staying in The Brian’s Den with the AC blasting all day or downstairs with the windows open. Normally, that’s a no brainer, but someone has to pay for all that electricity. I’m sitting in a dark room with a million windows open and a fan going but I’m still glistening with sweat. No matter how many Refreshingly Delicious glasses of Simply Limeade® I drink, nothing can cool me down (limeade is easily the most underrated summer drink. Everyone loves lemonade, and for good reason, but don’t sleep on its superior cousin). And don’t even get me started on what’s going on outside. I can cancel those sauna plans I had because I can just sit in my car. Luckily all of my flowers are in the shade so they aren’t being vaporized by the heat. As someone who’s #blessed with Irish DNA, heat and sunlight are my mortal enemies. My alabaster skin can’t take the kind of beating days like this dish out. It’s obviously a double edged sword. Summer is prime Hot Dog and Bud Light Lime season, which can’t be overlooked, but the first heat wave of the year always reminds me why my Season Power Ranking looks the way it does.
I get a lot of flak from my friends when I tell them Summer is my least favorite season. “How?” they ask, “there’s so much to do! Great weather, great food, you can swim, etcetera etcetera.” Yeah, there’s plenty to do in Summer. And I don’t hate all of Summer either. I’m a very positive person when it comes to seasons. There’s good aspects of all of them. But, Summer still ranks last for me. Sorry not sorry.
Season Power Rankings
- Fall- Autumn is the unquestioned number one, and if anyone has anything else as their number one, odds are they live in somewhere south of Indiana and have things like “nice weather all year round” and “night life” and “tons of distractions besides sports.” Fall has everything: perfect weather (absolutely nothing can beat sitting inside on a rainy October day), football, playoff baseball, football, Thanksgiving, and football. I pity anyone who didn’t grow up in a place where the leaves changed. Fall flavors are tough to beat too. Apple, cinnamon, and every basic’s favorite Pumpkin Spice is a murderer’s row of limited time options. I had to search pretty hard for downsides, and the only one I came up with is raking leaves. And if you’re football team stinks, but I can’t identify with that.
- Winter- Easily my most controversial pick, but I’m a huge Winter guy. Huge. Everything happens in Winter: my birthday, Christmas, New Year’s, the Super Bowl, NBA All-Star Weekend, Valentine’s Day, what else could you ask for? I love snow, and, in my mind, a beautiful, moonlit snowscape is one of the most stunning visuals you can find. Some all time flavors, too. Nutmeg, peppermint, eggnog (not my favorite, but still beloved), and no season has a bigger claim to owning chocolate than Winter. Some weak minded people will say the cold is an issue, but I’d much rather be cold than hot. And snow days are the ultimate adrenaline rush, no matter how old you are. You can always add more layers, you can’t always take them off. Only thing keeping it from the top is the fact that shoveling is a huge pain and driving becomes a near-death experience with all the people that don’t know how to drive.
- Spring- I do often go back and forth between Spring and Summer, but, if you haven’t noticed, the basis of these rankings is pretty much primarily what sports are on at the time, and Spring has some of the best things in the world- March Madness, Baseball Opening Day, NHL and NBA playoffs, and the end of the soccer season for my fellow footy fiends. Spring has warm weather, but it’s pleasantly warm, not overbearing. Flowers start blooming. All the animals come out of hibernation or return from migration. Easter, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day aren’t the best holidays, but Easter has some very solid food options. I’m not sure if Spring really has any signature flavors besides different variations of sugar. Maybe peanuts and berries. Rain is the biggest downside, and the lack of football to watch during the day really accentuates it. Another negative is how sometimes Spring lasts for like a week before a bit more Winter. When I put shorts on for the first time, they’re on. I don’t go back to pants until September at the earliest. So when it’s 60° March 13th, I switch to shorts. Then I wind up wearing shorts during the last snow flurry like an idiot.
- Summer- I’m not a blind Summer hater. There’s a lot of things I like about Summer. The afore mentioned Hot Dog and BLL SZNs. I can emulate one of heroes Dom Toretto and knock back Coronas. You can only truly eat my favorite dessert, key lime pie, in summer. Ice cream and frozen novelties reign supreme. In fact, if you combine all of that with the wonder of barbecue, and summer probably has the most consistently strong menu of any season. There’s always some great movies in theaters. I’m a big water guy, too, and summer is obviously prime swimming and boating season. But everything is just so exhausting. It’s so hot at night, even sleeping is tiring. And when you just want to stay inside, there’s nothing to watch on TV besides the dog days of baseball. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Interact with other people? Read? No thank you. You need to take a million showers a day because you get coated in sweat the second you dry yourself off. And it’s super humid where I live, and humidity is the worst thing ever. It’s just unpleasant in the Summer. Sorry for being honest.