GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, HE’S BROKEN IN HALF!!! Just like no Yankee is a True Yankee until they win at least five championships, no summer is a True Summer until it’s officially Pool Season, and no Pool Season is a True Pool Season until you start practicing wrestling finishers on small children into the pool. Ipso facto, Pool Wrestling is the ultimate, official, no doubt about it start to summer. So, thank you, Randy. Even though I’m a noted #teamautumn guy, I appreciate someone taking the reigns and dragging the rest of the world into summer. There’s not many things worse than late May/ early June when everyone is sitting around debating whether or not summer has officially begun or not (yes, I know summer technically doesn’t start until June 21st). If you’re debating it at all, the answer is yes. Well, thanks to this short Instagram video, the debate is over before it started. RIP Randy Orton’s kid.
Now, it should come as no surprise that I am a HUGE pool wrestling guy. When I was growing up me and my friend founded the PWF, and independent wrestling circuit based entirely out of his grandma’s pool. I was the longest reigning Intercontinental Champion in history, nbd. So I’m more than qualified to talk about the aquatic squared circle, more specifically the best moves to do. Some moves (like the stunner, unfortunately) can only realistically be done when both participants are in the water. That’s all well and good, and it makes for great fun. But the truly devastating moves require at least one person to be out of the water. Here’s the power ranking of pool wrestling moves, straight from the master.
Top Five Pool Wrestling Moves
- Spear– Unquestioned GOAT. So simple, so pure, so devastating. Nothing beats a good old fashioned spear into the water. Doesn’t matter if the spear-ee knows it’s coming or not. Try spearing a little kid into the pool like Goldberg and not feeling like a god afterwards. Only downside is that it can quickly force everyone to stay in the pool for eternity, since they don’t want to be the next victim.
- RKO– As Randy demonstrated above, it can work well with the RKO-er already in the pool, but it takes some immaculate timing. More traditionally done with both parties outside the pool, but, unlike in real life, the recipient better know it’s coming, or you may be responsible for some pretty hefty medical bills. As such, to get the true, out-of-nowhere RKO effect, wait to break it out until it has been well established who is and is not participating in your battle royale. If your pool parties looked anything like mine did, odds are everyone will be very eager to get involved.
- Frog Splash/Moonsault/Leg Drop/Etc.– Not for the faint of heart or inexperienced. Any kind of jumping-into-the-pool-onto-someone move can quickly go south, but they can also yield great results. If you feel like living with the consequences, frog splash someone lounging on an inflatable raft for some quick laughs. Combine with alcohol at your own risk.
- Powerbomb/F5– Another category not meant for novices. You’ll need some strength (or a serious weight differential) to pull these off, but they probably make the most satisfying splash. If you give someone a good, clean Batista Bomb into a pool you are their new father (or mother. This is an equal opportunity website, after all). I’m pretty sure it’s legally binding, so only do it if your finances are in order and if you feel like claiming a dependent on your next tax return.
- Chokeslam– Similar to a powerbomb, but a little safer. Like the spear, anyone can pull off a good chokeslam if the slam-ee is willing. Definitely has to be discussed beforehand, since just randomly grabbing someone’s neck usually ends poorly. When done against a small child, you can get some Kane-like vertical and feel like the new Big Man on Campus.