Pats Win Super Bowl 51


Unreal. Greatest night of my life. Easily. I don’t know if anything can ever top this. I don’t know if that even really happened. Down 21-0. 28-3. And they won 34-28. Unreal. I’m still speechless. Am I dreaming? Is any of this real life? Greatest comeback ever. Greatest game ever. Greatest moment in recorded history since the invention of pizza. I don’t know what I did to be this lucky.

A team has never overcome greater odds. Down by a million. Can’t get anything going or stop anything. My completely-obvious-in-hindsight choice of chips backfiring. I knew I was in for a fight when I took my first bite of Flamas. Arguably the worst thing I’ve ever eaten. Toasted Corn was the most unnecessarily salty tortilla chip ever made. I’ve never had a worse omen. It was all downhill from there. But the great ones make adjustments. I ditched the chips at half. I switched couches. Lady Gaga brought me new life. Then I blacked out and the Pats were champs. Not trying to take credit, but not trying to not take credit, either.

Tom Brady, man. So good. So good in the second half. Elevated to a plane of existence usually only reserved for Colt Brennan in the fourth quarter. Willed the team to the most improbable win of all time. I’d follow him into Hell without question knowing I’d come out safe on the other side. James White, huge, huuuuuuge performance. Falcons gave up the most receiving yards to opposing running backs in the league and it showed. Belichick is the greatest football, nay, human mind in history. I don’t even know what the coaching changes were yet. I lost the ability to form coherent thought with about 4 minutes left in the 3rd. But it worked. The defense once again proved it’s worth. Only gave up 21 points to the highest scoring team in the league. Only 7 in the second half. But they’re overrated, right?

Other takeaways: I had legitimate fits of PTSD when Julio Jones made that crazy catch. Working on four Super Bowls in a row where the other team pulls some absurd, otherworldly catch out of the deep recesses of their asses. This would have been easier to live with since it was a Hall of Fame receiver, not some nobody. But then something happened. Finally, finally, we got one. Julian Edelman made the luckiest, least repeatable, most nonsensical catch ever. Everyone in the stadium knew it was over then. Especially the Falcons. What a choke job. Epic choke. Legendary choke. No one has ever choked harder. They let the Warriors and Indians off the hook. Aggressive, disruptive defense became soft. Matty Ice, league MVP, with some of the most boneheaded plays in Super Bowl history. Hate to be mean to the dozens of diehard Atlanta sports fans, but there’s a reason Fox showed a graphic that said Boston had 36 (now 37) major championships and Atlanta had 1. Only a team from Atlanta could have lost this. The Bills couldn’t have blown this lead. This will haunt Samuel L. Jackson’s dreams until he dies. It’s just a loser sports town. Always has been, always will be. Falcons win 9 games, max, next year. If they even play. I wouldn’t be surprised if they just contracted the team.

I’m afraid to go to sleep because I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and find out tonight was a dream. If I ever find a woman foolish enough to want to have kids with me, I’ll tell them about this game at least once a week. Just unreal. Brady is God. Belichick is God. Kraft is God. Greatest night of my life.

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