Super Bowl LIV Preview

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Greetings from Miami. I’ve been down here for about a week now, just living the South Beach lifestyle. Don’t think I’ve worn anything besides an all-white suit with an electric pink shirt since I landed, and no one’s called me out on it because we’re all wearing the same white Lacoste loafers with no socks. All I do all day is wait for a table at Prime 112 and go to LIV and tear the dancefloor to shreds. Maybe think about going to the beach, but instead I’ll just stare into the window at Joe’s Stone Crab hoping to see Andy Reid crushing some crab claws, then try to join him at his table so we can talk Hawaiian shirts only to be told multiple times by the maître d’ that it’s just a normal big guy with a mustache and that I have to leave. But that’s just Miami life, though. I don’t think I’ll ever leave. I’m addicted to LIV. Apparently the NFL is, too, because they’re playing the Super Bowl there. What’s that? It’s not at LIV, it’s just Super Bowl LIV? Oh, okay. That’s dumb. Pretty huge missed opportunity, if you ask me.

I’ve barely even noticed the NFL has been here, to be honest. This is the most nothing build-up to a Super Bowl in history. No storylines. No drama. Terrible, terrible, terrible circumstances putting the game itself on the backburner of everyone’s mind. Maybe I’m just not watching enough coverage, but the only talking point I’m actually getting sick of is that there’s nothing to talk about (don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it). This is exactly why all of you are gonna miss the Pats when it’s 100% over (sorry, I tried). The leadup is never boring when the Pats are involved because everyone goes over the top to try and vilify them in increasingly preposterous ways. These two teams show up and everyone spends two weeks going, “man, Mahomes and Kittle are really good. Could go either way. Yeah. Hey, did you know Mike Shanahan is Kyle Shanahan’s father?” It’s a complete snoozefest. Credit to Frank Clark for trying to singlehandedly bring some spice to the proceedings, but wearing a sweatshirt with Kanye and Trump on it and then tweeting out that people are trying to draw attention away from the game, while hilariously asinine, can only go so far. If the Chiefs win, people will try and tell me Travis Kelce is better than Gronk, the man Kelce has put every fiber of his being into emulating, but Gronk would rather be dead than be as boring as Kelce was during media day. It’s been so terrible that it’s convinced me this game is going to be awesome. Because if it’s a stinker, historians will come to the consensus that this game never even happened when they look back on the entirety of the NFL in 15 100 years. We’re in for some fireworks, folks. Literally. There will be a lot of pyrotechnics in the pregame and halftime shows. The game will be good, too. So get locked in and find a place to watch the game where no one is just there for the commercials.

San Francisco 49ers vs Kansas City Chiefs (-1.5)

Normally, when I say looking at stats for a game is pointless and you just have to follow your gut, I’m just being lazy. But here, I mean it. This is a tale as old as time. I’m pretty sure the first football game ever somehow featured the best, most explosive offense in the league lead by a transcendent QB going against the best all-around team with a solid defense. And every time but once, literally one time in the history of the world, the defense won. And more often than not, they completely smash the opposition, either on the scoreboard (Seahawks-Broncos, shoutout Malcolm Smith) or mentally (Pats-Falcons, in which the Falcons held a 28-3 lead late in the third quarter and proceeded to lose. Shoutout Kyle Shanahan). Now, the Niners defense isn’t quite at the level of some of the all-time greats, but it’s still arguably the best in the league and they just completely shut down Aaron Rodgers, who some of you want to tell me is the GOAT. So, in my mind, they qualify for this distinction. In this eternal matchup, they represent the long line of teams that are actually good at everything. By right, they should win. But no one in history, not even the 2007 Patriots, had Patrick Mahomes (the second you finish reading this sentence, the entire blog will be deleted from your memory forever). And he’s just so hard to pick against, man. Every second is a war when you’re facing him. You could play a perfect 58 minutes giving up nothing and he’ll still find a way to score 35. This offense is stupid and impossible to stop. There’s going to be a point in the game where the Chiefs rattle off 14-21 unanswered points and the entire 2019 NFL season will be put on Jimmy G’s chiseled shoulders. I love Jimmy G and wish it had all unfolded differently (not in a don’t trade him sense, in a let’s live in magic Christmas land where no one gets paid money or wants to play sense), but I’m just not sure he’s got the ten straight key passes the Niners will need. I’m rooting for San Fran. I want the Niners to win and for George Kittle to be rightly recognized as the Scion of Gronk. And I know I’m just falling into the same trap everyone always falls into and then wonders why they thought this is the time the offense won. But Kansas City wins, finally getting Andy Reid his place at the table.

Pick: Chiefs -1.5

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Bonus Super Bowl Prop Bets

  • Demi Lovato National Anthem: Over 1:55 -220
  • Coin Toss: Heads -105
  • Will opening Kickoff Be a Touchback: No +130
  • How Many Times Will A-Rod Be Shown During the Halftime Show: Under .5 -145
  • What Color Liquid Will Be Poured on Winning Coach: Lime/Green/Yellow +450
  • Andre Dummond Rebounds -105 over Raheem Mostert Rushing Attempts
  • Super Bowl MVP: Patrick Mahomes +115
  • Who Will Super Bowl MVP Mention First: City +550
  • Tied Again After 0-0: Yes -200
  • Will There be a Flea Flicker Attempted: Yes +165

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