NBA Draft Preview

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There’s nothing quite like the NBA offseason. The crazy trades. The traitorous free agency decisions. The emoji wars on Twitter. In the week since the Finals ended, every day has had more drama than a Daniel Day-Lewis movie (R.I.P), and we haven’t even hit free agency yet! Dwight Howard was traded for a Plumlee, completing one of the most self-inflicted falls from grace in human history. The Lakers decided to give up on D’Angelo Russell after two years because…….? and traded him to the Nets in a move that somehow screwed the Celtics over twice. Phil Jackson has mysteriously put Kristaps Porzingis on the trading block (I doubt he’ll be traded), leading every fan base to rush to Photoshop to see what he’d look like in their jersey. But tonight is my favorite part of the NBA offseason, draft night. I’ve got my DiGiorno. I’ve got my spot on the couch picked out. I’m ready to be disappointed. Is it possible to go from all in on someone to all out on someone in a few days? Because that’s what I’m feeling now. Look at this:

??????????????????? What the hell is St. Louis-style pizza? Why would he pick a fake food over all the other quality foods that have a right to go number one overall? Now I’m seeing him in a new light. Now all his flaws clearly counteract his strengths. Now he’s just the exact same prospect we’ve seen in every single draft that does absolutely nothing. I can’t believe the Celtics are seriously going to take an un-athletic Tobias Harris number three overall. Hey Danny, draft Josh Jackson please!

You can go anywhere on the internet and find a mock draft, so I decided I’d just say which prospects I like and who I don’t like. That way, the only thing I can be wrong about is if they’re good or not, not if they’re good or not and what team takes them.

Guys I Like

  • Markelle Fultz- Oh, what might have been
  • Josh Jackson- Come on, Danny, think of him and Jaylen Brown on defense together! I’m aroused, aren’t you?
  • De’Aaron Fox- Completely dominated Lonzo twice. A sign of things to come for one of them
  • Jonathan Isaac- Anthony Randolph with a jumper. Guy could be the best player in the draft or be out of the league in four years
  • Dennis Smith- I like him a lot, especially if you can get him outside the top 10
  • Malik Monk- Don’t know if you’ve heard this before, but the NBA is all about 3-point shooting these days
  • OG Anunoby- People are acting like he’s dead. It’s just a torn ACL. It’s 2017, he’s probably already fully healthy. He’ll the best defensive player in the draft, just take him
  • Harry Giles- Speaking of not dead yet. His injuries are considerably worse than OG’s, but if you’re not in the lottery, absolutely no reason not to roll the dice
  • Bam Adebayo- Mostly because he’s projected to go so low

Guys I Don’t Like

  • Lonzo Ball- As I’ve said before, I don’t think he’s that good
  • Jayson Tatum- This is appalling
  • Lauri Markkanen- I watched him play a lot. He never had a good game
  • Zach Collins- Taking college backups highly in the draft works out every time!
  • Luke Kennard- I actually like him as a role player in the NBA, but lottery feels way too high for him
  • John Collins- I don’t know, I just don’t see it with him. He’s like a less-refined version of Caleb Swanigan that you have to take 30 picks earlier
  • Justin Patton- He’s a wallflower. Don’t pick
  • Justin Jackson- At best an 8th man in the league
  • Tyler Lydon- I just hate his face

Random Stuff I’m Looking Forward To

  • The one guy who gets old tweets bashing the team that drafts him exposed
  • How awkward every white guy that gets drafted makes the handshake with Silver
  • John Calipari somehow having a better seat than Markelle Fultz
  • The one girlfriend the internet loses its mind over
  • Some foreign guy who gets drafted in the second round but came to the draft and is sitting in the stands

Late First/Second Round Guys I Like

  • D.J. Wilson
  • Caleb Swanigan
  • Thomas Bryant
  • Frank Jackson
  • Frank Mason
  • Monte Morris
  • Kyle Kuzma
  • Derrick White
  • Cam Oliver
  • Jordan Bell
  • Jawun Evans
  • Terrance Ferguson
  • Semi Ojeleye
  • Devin Robinson
  • Alec Peters
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