How Ruined is the NBA?

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So the Warriors won the title. Quite possibly the least climactic championship game/series in my lifetime. Total domination. Makes me sick. Sick league, guys. God, the NBA is such a joke. Why should any team ever play another game if they know the Warriors are just going to win in the end. I think I’m speaking for everyone when I demand the NBA put an asterisk next to these last two Warriors titles because they’re too much better than everyone. This would never happen in hockey.

Hey, Kevin Durant. Congrats, guy. You just became the first person to ever win two championships while also winning zero. Must feel great. Imagine a grown man deciding to take autonomy of his professional career? Imagine choosing not to play with Russell Westbrook anymore? God, this sham league was ruined the second he chose to use his legal right as a free agent to sign with whatever team he chose. Can you imagine a hockey player deciding his own personal happiness and quality of life was more important than some bullshit idea of “loyalty,” even though the Thunder would have just kicked him to the curb the second he wasn’t bringing a satisfying ROI? Just makes my blood boil. And signing with a 73 win team? Or any team that had previously won a championship, regardless of how long ago? Couldn’t be me. There’s no such thing as a viable free agency destination because real men stay with the teams that drafted them for their entire careers regardless of if they like it or not, but if there were viable free agency destinations, the only legitimate ones would be Brooklyn, Memphis, Toronto, Indiana, Charlotte, Orlando, Atlanta, Utah, Denver, Minnesota, Phoenix, New Orleans, Oklahoma City, or the Clippers. It’s called making your own legacy, not riding the backs of other, less talented players. Can’t believe a star would leave in free agency. Guys like LeBron or Shaq would never do such a thing.

Don’t get it twisted, though. This isn’t all on KD. The rest of the Warriors are to blamed for ruining the league, too. First of all, Larry Riley needs to be executed. He’s the guy that drafted Steph Curry and Klay Thompson. Two guys who like 3s more than layups. While I think all three deserve the death penalty, Riley really needs to go. He’s singlehandedly responsible for ruining this game I love by bringing in the two guys who sparked the 3 point revolution. Every time I see a 3 point attempt, I want to claw my eyes out. THIS GAME IS ABOUT LOW POST BASKETBALL AND PHYSICAL DEFENSE GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!! NOT 3s! What happened to the good old days of 74-61 games where there were no 3s made, no layups allowed, and no fouls called. Everyone’s is so soft these days. Only thinking about 3s. How about you run some team basketball? Maybe a little triangle action? Try having your big guy post up and attempt a bad fadeaway or ugly running hook instead of hunting 3s, playing fast, visually appealing basketball, and taking efficient shots? God, I just hate teams that try new styles to try and maximize their offensive output and take advantage of current defensive strategies. Just bang in the post like MEN and stop worrying about peacocking around after you hit your tenth 3 of the game. Love those Suns teams, though. Nash to Matrix? Couldn’t beat it.

I’m not done with the front office, either. You make smart salary decisions so you have the ability to sign Kevin Durant without gutting your roster? Are you kidding? What are all the bad GMs around the league supposed to do if you’re actually allowed to manage the cap correctly? Old school guys didn’t have this problem, mostly because the players these days are so overpaid. God, if Oscar was making all that money, had access to modern medicine and training techniques, was able to play in today’s game where there’s no hand-checking and you need actual basketball ability, played against this generation of soft, more-talented-than-any-crop-of-players-in-NBA-history-because-people-get-better-at-stuff-the-longer-we-do-them-so-it’s-not-an-insult-it’s-the-natural-progression-of-time players, and was 40 years younger, he’d still be playing today. And what’s up with the core of the roster? Three Hall of Famers through the draft???? What the hell? In my day you had to trade with all the stupid teams to form your SuperTeams. Imagine the Celtics or Lakers having the gall to draft incredibly talented players in non-premium draft positions? Hah. They would never. Red would just fleece some novice GM if he wanted a new star. Real dynasties take advantage of being smarter than anyone else to win.

And don’t get me started on Draymond. The game used to be played with honor and integrity. There were no loudmouthed, right-on-the-edge-of-dirty players when the NBA was great. Guys like Dennis Rodman, Bill Laimbeer, Karl Malone, Bruce Bowen, Charles Oakley, Rick Mahorn, Kevin McHale, Isiah Thomas, Reggie Miller, Gary Payton, and Kevin Garnett would never do something so heinous as kicking someone in the balls. Unlike today’s generation that only cares about their own brands, the real legends were so focused on basketball to even know what the human anatomy was. Today’s players have everything handed to them, and they still want to act dirty. SMH.

LeBron’s not off the hook, either. People forget he started all this SuperTeam nonsense when he joined the Heat. Before that, no one in NBA history had ever had three All Stars on the same team. Him and his Banana Boat Boyz are the driving force behind today’s buddy-buddy NBA culture. Imagine being friends with people in the same line of work as you? Or, even worse, imagine being friends with someone despite the fact that someone you’ll never meet or talk to hates it because, for some bullshit nostalgia-driven reason, thinks that you being friends with that person will make it less entertaining for him to watch you? Who would do that? Michael didn’t need friends. He made other people think they were friends, only to betray their trust and shatter them mentally when it was most convenient for them. That’s the kind of emotional manipulation I want out of my G.O.A.T., not seemingly legitimate friendship that, despite the fact that I find him annoying much of the time, actually makes me think I could get along with him if I met him in real life. Your G.O.A.T. is approachable? Please. You clearly know nothing about basketball. Next you’re going to tell me the greatest player of all time passed the ball to an open man underneath the basket instead of forcing up a contested fadeaway with less than five seconds left in a Finals game or something.

Lastly, if you legitimately agree with any of these takes, please jump off a bridge. The Warriors are probably the greatest team of all time. Deal with it. If you’re so upset, go pretend you hadn’t spent the last ten years crushing Ovechkin for never winning so you can feel better about yourself and leave the NBA to the people that still enjoy it. The Finals stunk, but the league has never been better. If you’re under 35 and disagree, I honestly don’t know if you know what a basketball looks like.

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Are the NBA Finals Actually Still Going On?

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Remember when there were NBA Finals games on? I don’t! No, seriously, I don’t remember. Someone needs to remind me what happened. How many games have there been? Is the league still ruined or has it been so long since the last game that the h8trs have a new anti-NBA narrative? Is LeBron Jr. in the league yet?

Look, I get it. I wasted my college years learning about media and TV, so I understand the league wants to optimize ratings and put out a quality, fatigue-unaffected product. But three days in between every game? Really? Who does that benefit? I guess J.R. is happy, but that has to be it. I mean it’s not like they need to let this series marinate and build drama. I think we all know what the end result is going to be. It’s honestly cruel and unusual punishment for LeBron, at this point. Every added off-day is another day he has to spend employed by the Cleveland Cavaliers and pretend to enjoy Jordan Clarkson’s company. The NBA should be able to flex these games. The day after each game Adam Silver should call up Steph, Klay, Draymond, and KD and ask them if they feel like trying next game, and if the answer is yes, just move the game up a day. I’m sure LeBron would love to just get this thing over with. You can only be Sisyphus so many times before you break. If the Warriors feel like winning, just let LeBron know beforehand so he can kind of take it easy and leave all these bums out to dry a little bit. Let them know how he feels. Adding all these off-days only lets him build hope, which leads to another 48-minute night, which means his body will break down in 2048 instead of 2050, robbing everyone. Do the humane thing, Adam Silver, and stop putting three months in between Finals games.

Boban Marjanovic Added to the Cast of John Wick 3

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source– Los Angeles Clippers center Boban Marjanović has joined the cast of John Wick: Chapter 3, multiple sources have told Collider.

Representatives for Lionsgate and Marjanović did not immediately respond to requests for comment.

Chad Stahelski returns to direct the sure-to-be action-packed sequel, which will feature the Serbian basketball star as an assassin, according to sources. His gigantic hands could end up posing a problem for our badass hero. Marjanović stands an imposing 7 feet, 3 inches, and he previously played for the San Antonio Spurs and the Detroit Pistons.

Alright, I’m trying not to overreact, here. I really am. But John Wick 3 is going to be the greatest movie ever made. It literally can’t fail. They already added Halle Berry, Jason Mantzoukas, and beast Hiroyuki Sanada to the star-studded Wickverse. But now the spiritual successor to Andre the Giant? Dear lord.

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I’m a known Wick stan. Before I saw John Wick 2, I ranked John Wick as the third best action movie character of all time. I never updated my list on here, but believe me, I’ve got a running list. And J-Wick is making a run at the McClane crown, which I thought was impossible. And if he can take down Boban? We might have to start a serious dialogue about who the GOAT is.

Boban was born for this. I honestly can’t believe this hasn’t happened sooner. He’s got the look, he’s got the personality, he’s got the star power. He was destined to be a lead henchman/bodyguard/intimidating assassin/giant with a heart of gold. This is a potential film goldmine, and it’s really no surprise that the John Wick team is who discovered it. It doesn’t even matter if he’s a good actor or not. Just stand there and be Boban and it’s a home run. The only concern would be that he’s too nice, but if you just show him some footage of kittens and puppies being abused and tell him John Wick did it, I think it’ll work out fine.

So now the question is how is Boban used, here? We know John’s on the run from the Continental and the entire assassin world, so is Boban friend or foe? I think the easy reaction is to assume he’ll be a bit character used to show the diverse assassin pool and he’ll get quickly eliminated, but I think that’d be a waste. I think Boban starts off coming for John’s head, but after chasing him through some presumably Eastern European backstreets, develops a level of respect and the two form a deep bond. We’ve seen One-Man-Army John Wick before (and it always plays), but how about buddy cop John Wick? Wick and Boban going back-to-back, facing down an army of assassins, then taking out the trash (I’m not worldly enough to know the state of European streets, but I’m going to assume they’re a little cleaner than New York City streets, which are filthy. Yes, I do live in New York City, how did you know? Why yes, that does make me better than you) (Sorry, I’m trying to develop my superiority complex now that I’ve been here a couple months) (The streets are bad, though. I’ve already been desensitized to seeing used condoms on the sidewalk). That’s what I want to see. Then when Keanu wants to hang up the black suit? Boban’s there to assume the mantle and keep the franchise going. Sure, he’d use a more physical, less poetic fighting style, but you can work with that. Maybe ratchet up the comedy and somehow increase the absurdity. Boban Wick makes at least $500 million, you can’t tell me otherwise. I can see the vision, here, and I pity anyone who can’t. Now someone go out and get a extra large shipment of No. 2 Ticonderogas.

NBA Finals Preview

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Finally, some new blood in the NBA Finals. Been a long time since there were two more shocking conference champions, but somehow, some way, the Cavs and Warriors are meeting in the Finals. While leagues like the NHL have to deal with yet another Golden Knights-Capitals matchup, the NBA shows it’s finally captured that fool’s gold known as parity. I, for one, am thrilled to see it.

I’ve done my rant on this before, but to all the mouthbreathers out there who are complaining about Cavs-Warriors IV, what else did you want? If you say Raptors, stop reading this right now and never watch basketball again. If you’re not a Celtics fan (☹️) you can’t be that upset their depleted roster, which was clearly at the end of its rope and flat out choked in game 7, didn’t make it since they would have been obliterated (since we somehow view Finals/Super Bowl/World Series losses as worse than not getting there at all, maybe not a bad thing for the Celtics’ long term reputation??? Always knew Brad had a plan). And don’t hit me with the Rockets if you were someone who was bashing their style of play all year. I seriously can’t understand the hockey guy/90s basketball guy’s mindset when it comes to the Rockets. You hate them because all they do is shoot 3s and manipulate the refs, but then you’re upset when they get eliminated because they were the best chance for a new champion? Huh? And, of course, the Super Team crowd, who apparently just started watching basketball in 2016 and have no idea what the NBA was like in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90, or 00s. But hey, Kevin Durant ruined the NBA, right? The Warriors are the best team in the league, and LeBron is the best player in the league. If you’re unhappy that that’s the NBA FINALS matchup, please die.

Anyway, as for the series itself. Kind of lazy on my part, but there’s really no point in pulling out any numbers or anything, because the Cavs can’t be summed up by simple metrics. They’re terrible, don’t try, hate each other, and are massive underdogs. They also have LeBron James, who, already mind-meltingly great, continues to improve at age 33. It’s not completely far fetched to say LeBron wins two games singlehandedly then the role players show up for one home game and force a game 7. In all honesty, though, that would require the good Jeff Green game, the good J.R. game, the huge Kevin Love (cleared to play in game 1) game, the good George Hill game, and the game where Tristan Thompson can actually stay on the floor against the Warriors to happen at the same time. I think the last time the planets aligned that perfectly Hades released the Titans from their underwater prison to stage an attack on Mt. Olympus (a little Hercules reference, folks). The odds are overwhelmingly slim.

Here’s what we know about the Cavs- LeBron will be LeBron and Kyle Korver will make 45% of his 3s. Everything else is a total crapshoot. Here’s what we know about the Warriors- they have four Hall of Famers in their primes, who, despite not looking as dominant as usual this year, can reach a collective level no team (maybe ever) can match. The Cavs were way better last year and got absolutely demolished. Apathy is the Cavs only hope at making this a series, if we’re being honest. I hesitate to count out LeBron, but I think this will be quick and painless for all parties involved.

Prediction: Warriors in 5

Turns Out the Celtics Stink

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Man, who could have seen this coming? I’ll be honest, I think this is on me a little bit. Going into the series I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up. LeBron will always give you just enough hope to make the loss heartbreaking, so just don’t get emotionally invested. But then the Celtics won the first two games by a billion points, and I fell right into the trap. Cavs tied up the series at 2 games apiece and now have the obvious mental edge. This thing is pretty much over.

So what happened? Kind of seems like some combination of the Cavs starting to try a little bit and the Celtics completely breaking down. I’ll throw game 3 out, because you don’t sweep LeBron, and if you’re going to lose, you might as well lose, but last night was tough. The Cavs were dying to lose. They had the big first quarter and kept inviting the Celtics to come all the way back. They were sloppy, played some typically terrible D, and did everything short of literally leaving the court and forfeiting, and the Celtics just refused to acquiesce. They missed every big shot, played even worse D than the Cavs were playing, flat out refused to rebound, stopping passing or moving around on offense. Just bad. And I get that it’s still a very young team that’s punching above its weight a little bit, but the Stevens calling card has always been effort. If they were clearly giving it their all and going balls to the wall and still lost, I can live with that. But when it seems like Marcus Smart is the only one prepared to compete, you’re going to get run out of the building in the Conference Finals. You just are. I think, much like the Pacers are probably kicking themselves over letting their series against the Cavs get away from them, the Celtics are going to be sick looking back at game 3 if they wind up losing this series.

Is there any way the Celtics win? Sure. They have two more home games, where they haven’t lost yet in the postseason. They’re still way more athletic than the Cavs. They just need to lock back in on D and stop trying to play Mamba Ball (I can already see Jayson Tatum’s career careening off the tracks because of this stupid Kobe video. Why do you want to be like Kobe??? Why do you want the “Mamba Mentality?” So you can chuck up 30 fadeaway long 2s then blame your teammates when you lose? Is that what you want your career to be?). I might throw a triangle-and-two out there and put one guy on LeBron, one guy on whoever the best shooter is, and three guys on Tristan Thompson, who might be the best terrible player in NBA history. He completely sucks against everyone but the Celtics, but whenever he sees green he starts dominating. No one can box him out. Somehow when they dump it down to him and let him create it doesn’t always end badly. He even hits his free throws. I simply can’t figure it out, and it’s annoying me to no end. I expected LeBron to enter God Mode. But Tristan Thompson is beating the Celtics??? And I don’t really think there’s anything they can do to stop him from owning the boards, either. He just works so much harder than everyone. Maybe just put Smart on him, that might neutralize him. I’d bet my life the Celtics win game 5 and lose game 7. That’s just what’s going to happen. Basketball is stupid.

The Cleveland Cavaliers Are the Biggest Group of Cowards I Have Ever Seen

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I’m disgusted. I’m literally sitting here with puke in my mouth thinking about the Cavs. I’m just so insulted that they thought they would roll into Boston and win just because they have LeBron. I’m just so insulted everyone keeps picking against the Celtics as they beat both presumed favorites’ in the East brains in. I’m just so insulted the NBA is forcing the Celtics to play games 3 and 4, since the only thing that could happen is Celtic injuries at the hands of cowardly Cavs losers.

Seriously, what’s the point of playing the rest of this series? This thing is as over as over gets. The Cavs quit. They got dominated game 1, so LeBron came out and shot a big, steamy load on the Celtics faces. But the Celtics just ate it and dominated the Cavs again. LeBron is the only Cavalier who could make the Celtics’ rotation. Maybe Kevin Love if he’s hot. But every other Cav is really old, really bad, or both. Somehow, that’s not the best way to build a team. Caught me by surprise! And how about that moronic chipmunk Ty Lue saying the Celtics gooned up the game?

The Celtics are gooning things up? Dude, one of your guys (who has a very long history of doing things like this) tried to end Al Horford’s career last night, and you’re going to say the Celtics are gooning up the game? Huh????? And it’s so perfect that J.R. won’t face any discipline, too. Just perfect NBA. “Look our hands are tied. We didn’t give the Cavs the number one pick, so we had to give them this.” Like, hey, there’s only one All Star in this series that actually cares, maybe protect him a little? On second thought, though, maybe not suspending J.R. is actually a gift to the Celtics. I mean, despite the fact that him putting my beloved Al at risk, I love J.R., but he’s been the worst player on the court this series, and Ty Lue is definitely dumb enough to keep playing him. Speaking of how idiotic Ty Lue is, Mark Jackson actually went out of his way to praise him during the broadcast. He said Ty Lue, the very same Ty Lue that is currently “coaching” the Cleveland Cavaliers, doesn’t get enough credit and is a great coach. That might actually be the most insulting thing that happened last night. Ty Lue could be out-coached by a blind, deaf  toddler who had never touched a basketball before. Don’t you dare put him in the same category as legitimate NBA coaches.

But yeah, that’s a wrap for the Cavs. LeBron’s second stint in Cleveland is gonna end with a 2011-Lakers-like whimper. Honestly LeBron should just boycott the rest of the series, because his (hand-picked) supporting cast might be the worst team in the league. Feel bad for Love, Kyle Korver, and Larry Nance. They don’t deserve to be with this group of losers, but they’ll probably all be on different teams next year.

Now the question becomes where does this Cavs team rank among the most cowardly, gutless groups in human history. They might be number one, honestly. I mean, they have LeBron and have been to the Finals three straight years. How do you lose to this (much better) Celtics team? Let’s see how they stack up:

2011 Lakers

Two-time defending champs face the slightest hint of adversity and start handing out cheap shots left and right. Guess that’s what you get when you have Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum on the roster. Just a bunch of sore losers. I think the Cavs are more cowardly, though, because everything the Lakers did in game 4 against the Mavs, the Cavs are doing in game 2. They’ve already entered their pouting child phase. An unreal lack of fortitude. Bonus points for the Lakers because 2011 Dirk would frustrate anyone into quitting (like LeBron’s team). Next.

2014 Colts and Ravens

God, remember Deflategate? I do. I remember every godforsaken detail. And it all started because the Ravens threw a temper tantrum that the Patriots outsmarted them then bullied the Colts into fabricating a deflated football controversy. The least sportsmanlike display in the history of the least sportsmanlike league on Earth. Add in the fact that the Colts, who built their entire gameplan around catching the Pats in a fake scandal, got absolutely DESTROYED and quit in the second quarter, and this is a pretty formidable duo for the Cavs to face. Still, the Pats were favored in both games. The Celtics weren’t. The Colts are clearly the more cowardly of the two teams, letting both the Ravens and Pats repeatedly walk all over them, but you can’t include one without the other. Ravens weren’t cowardly, just jealous. Cavs are straight up yellow.

1940 French Government

It’s funny how the way we view certain things in history changes despite that fact that, you know, nothing actually changed, because I think popular opinion is now that France’s surrender to Nazi Germany wasn’t cowardly. This is as incorrect of a take as any human can have. They built a glorified retaining wall thinking it would stop the strongest army in the world, and then, when it somehow didn’t, surrendered instantly. Have some backbone, guys. The Nazis wanted to destroy everything you’ve ever built and you ask them if they’d like some tea to go with it? Embarrassing. Still, the Nazis were heavy favorites. That’s a lot more than the Celtics can say. And the French were able to retain the culture and history, which is certainly more than the Cavs can say once LeBron leaves. I would argue that, considering LeBron’s pending free agency, the Cavs actually had more on the line in this series than the French did in World War II. Countries always rebuild themselves after wars. You don’t recover from LeBron leaving your team in shambles a second time. Plus, it took the French 46 days to quit. It took the Cavs 3.

The Galactic Senate

The nameless, faceless group of pawns and lackeys allowed a power-hungry madman to assume complete control of a supposed democracy, then gave his declaration of fascism and genocide thunderous applause. I don’t know if everyone involved was just ignorant or lazy, but the fact that no one thought Palpatine might be up to no good before he had already amassed enough internal power to survive any threat to his standing isn’t a good look. These are supposed to be the best representations of life in the Galaxy, and they let Palpatine completely control them. No one had the guts to oppose him or the growing mob, and no one had the courtesy of alerting the apparently clueless Jedi that the source of all evil was right under their noses. And still, nothing Palpatine did was quite as bad as repeatedly cheating on his pregnant celebrity girlfriend, and every member of the Cavaliers sat around and watched that happened. What kind of example does that set for your daughter, LeBron? God, just thinking about it makes me sick. At least the Senate voted on whether or not to pack up shop. The Cavs just quit.

2011 Red Sox

The most unlikeable team I have ever “rooted” for. Spent a billion dollars in the offseason on two straight up cowards in Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, and a thousand game lead in the division, somehow blew it, and cost Tito Francona his job. Most pathetic baseball performance ever given by a non-Mets team. Gonzalez said God didn’t have it in His plan for the Red Sox to make the playoffs, which is somehow even more apathetic than the Cavs have been. J.R. displayed more competitive fire than Crawford ever did. John Lackey actively tried to sabotage the season, which, to be fair, no one on the Cavs has really done, unless you count Ty Lue’s coaching. Sox get extra coward points for ushering in the Bobby Valentine era, AKA the worst year of my life. Looks like the Cavs’ run ends here. The 2011 Red Sox are the biggest cowards of all time.